He feels like he's fallen off a cliff and is dangling, his only support a tree branch that's breaking.
He doesn't know how he can go on.
Everything sets him off, especially at work, with his new-temporary-partner. On Friday morning, after a week investigating a murder where the suspect claims the victim was going to rape her, he's getting dressed, tugging his tie straight with jerky movements, when she comes into the bedroom carrying a cup of coffee for him. She looks exhausted and sad and he just-can't-take-it.
'Can't you just smile for once?' he snaps, grabbing the cup from her and taking a weird pleasure in letting the coffee spill on the rug. 'For fuck's sake, it's been weeks, you need to get a grip. Do you know how goddamn depressing it is to come home to you every day? You're not the only person in the world goin' through something, Liz, and I'm so tired of you losin' it every day and every night and just not keepin' it together-'
Halfway through his sentence she bursts into tears, and he's never seen her like this before, never. She's sobbing as though her heart is breaking, as though all the tears she's wanted to cry have been saved up just to be released now. He cuts himself off, grabs his coat, and bangs his way out of the apartment without apologizing.
He's testifying today in court, one of Donnelly's cases, and he takes the subway because if he drives he knows he's gonna drive someone off the road. Better to deal with the mass of humanity, where a few shoves will ease his temper and are expected anyway on rush hour trains.
He gets to Centre Street on time and then proceeds to cool his heels all fucking day, grabbing a hot dog during the trial's quick lunch recess and then finally, finally being called at 4:30. He hasn't made any effort to call Liz during the day, even though he's been sitting across from the bank of pay phones and she's at home.
Somehow he manages to keep his temper under control when he testifies, the blonde ADA who did his witness prep in charge of the cross examination. He'd given her a second glance when they'd first met-even though he was with Liz he wasn't dead-and she was pretty damn attractive. She's a good lawyer, too, leading him through the questions without breaking a sweat or making him look dumb.
After he's dismissed, it's past five, so he goes to find a bar. There's one he's gone to a couple times across the street from the courthouse; he finds a barstool and orders a beer. He needs a break, needs to calm down before he goes home, and needs to figure out a way to apologize.
His peace is broken halfway through his beer when the ADA slides onto the stool next to him.
'You did a good job today,' she says, smiling. It's a nice smile, he notes abstractedly as he looks over at her. He doesn't want to talk, he just needs a break…
'Thanks, Counselor,' he says gruffly, taking another sip of beer.
She orders one for herself. 'Call me Sherri.'
'Thanks, Sherri,' he says, and takes another swig of beer.
She prompts him into further conversation and he relaxes for the first time in a month, forgetting Liz, forgetting Phil. It's easy to talk to her, to listen to her, to just… being, without having to watch every word and every movement and…
They stumble out of the bar into the chilly October night. He's had four beers on a nearly empty stomach, and his tolerance has gone down after this month, too, because he doesn't want to be drinking in front of Liz, and so when she says, 'My place is just around the corner,' he doesn't stop to think, just bends and presses his lips to hers.
He realizes what he's done after it's too late, when she's sleeping at his side and he's still tangled in her sheets, sweat cooling on his skin.
Oh, fuck.
He dresses quickly, quietly, making sure he gets everything that belongs to him, then heads out the door without waking her up.
It's 11 pm.
He takes a shower at his apartment and tosses his clothes from the day into his dry cleaning bag, then dresses in jeans and a tshirt and heads over to the hospital to check on Phil.
He sits by his partner's side for a long time, trying to figure out what to do.
He can't tell Liz-God, no. She can't deal with this now, and besides-it was a mistake. It didn't mean anything.
But he's got to apologize to her anyway, especially for this morning. Christ. She needs him and he just… he rubs a hand over his eyes.
It's 3 am by the time he gets back to the apartment. She's sitting up waiting for him anyway, and the second he closes the door behind him she's there, she's hugging him and pressing her tearstained face against his chest, and saying that she thought he'd left.
'I'm so sorry, Lizzie,' he tells her. 'I'm so sorry for everything.'
To his shame, he bursts into tears, and she does too, and they stand, holding each other for a long, long time.
She tells him why she did it early that morning, when they've finally gone into their bedroom and climbed into bed.
'Do you remember in August, that phone call-my patient, who tried to kill herself?' she asks softly.
He nods. 'Yeah.'
'I referred her to him. She needed a new gynecologist and my doctor… she said she wouldn't see her, and I remembered reading about… him… and his awards and accolades and I thought…' she breaks off and swallows. 'She told me he touched her. That he'd… that he'd done something to her. And I wasn't sure if it was true, because she'd been delusional, but she tried to kill herself… I had to find out.'
His heart is breaking all over again. He asks her, gently, 'why didn't you just tell me?'
She lifts her shoulders in a shrug and looks out the window. The sky is lightening. She says, 'I wasn't sure if it had really happened. And when he molested me-well, nothing happened, even though I came forward, so… I had to stop him. It's my fault.'
'It's not, Lizzie,' he tells her. 'It's not your fault.'
'I think it is,' she admits, her voice so soft he barely hears her. 'I know it is.'
He wraps his arms around her and she leans back against him, closing her eyes.
'It's not,' he tells her again, holding her tight. 'It's not your fault.'
He can feel the tears when she starts to cry, and he holds her, and they sit like that until the sun rises and it's time to go to work.