A week passed in relative peace, and things seemed to be getting back to normal. School was out for the summer, so Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Neville all moved into Sirius' place. (He had sold the house in London and bought a mansion in the village.) The gang had fun every day, and tried to forget about the whole catastrophic European Tour. Then Jacob woke up and was shipped home to live with them again. And the fun was over.

Edward had turned emo, and had dyed his hair black with neon rainbow streaks, and was writing sad poetry all night. Bella didn't understand why he wasn't in love with her anymore. The family didn't pay him much attention, because they were still so upset about Jasper, so he got to enjoy his loneliness and tried to cut, but the knifes just kept breaking.

Dumbledore called them all to a meeting in the Tardis, and explained the situation.

"We have apprehended the culprit," he nuanced, "but we still haven't gotten to the bottom of the mystery. What is Vaughn's evil plan, and how is he going to achieve it without Edward?"

"I think my biological father is aiming for world dominance," said Bree. "He almost had it, didn't he? Everyone loved PFP, so there must have been some sort of hypno in their songs."

"That sounds plausible," said Adam.

"So what do we do next," Harry asked.

"I've called in an expert," said Adam.

Suddenly MacGyver came in the door. He looked like he did in the 80's so he was clearly time traveling. His mullet was righteous, and he wore an ugly leather jacket and pimp sunglasses.

"Listen up, losers," said MacGyver. "Things are gonna be changing round here. I've been up agains real enemies, and I know what I'm talking about. So y'all must do as I say, and we will have those mofos' asses handed to them. We gotta work together here, and show no hesitance, you diggin' it?"

They all looked at MacGyver like "WTF".

MacGyver ripped off his sunglasses in a dramatic motion, and gave them the dramatic "Modern Talking" look. (Because he came straight from the 80s, and he thought pop culture was the ultimate expression of thought freedom.)

"I have conciderable knowledge of how the despots try to contaminate our minds and hate liberty," MacGyver explained. "I've seen it in schools and prisons and asylums and camps. The virtues of ancient Rome live among us. There are sharks in the paddling pool. Elvis has left the building and the wolved howl at the moon."

"So what exactly do we do?" Nikki asked.

"We gotta KILL EM!" MacGyver hooted. "Everyone to the stations! Man the tanks!"

"But we don't have any..." Harry protsted.

Nikki grabbed his arm. "Just do as he says," she whispered as she dragged Harry out of the room.

Meanwhile, Alice was having cold shoes about her relationshop with Peter. She loved him a lot, but more like a friend. But she loved Jasper like the flowers love the sun. Hopefully he'd be back to his old self soon.

Peter was sad, and felt shut out. He went walking sadly around the lake, when he met Bella sitting alone and lonesome, forlorn on a rock.

"What is wrong, Bella," he asked with sensitivity. "Has Edward been mean to you?"

"No," said Bella crying. "He's just been so cold and distant since he lost his voice. I don't get it."

"It's okah," said Peter, rubbing her back caressingly. "You'll work it out."

Suddenly she kissed him. They fell off the rock and into the wild shrubbery below. Before they knew it they were naked and DOING it.

"Oh, Bella!" gasped Peter.

"Oh, Peter!" gasped Bella.

Nessie saw her Mom cheating on her Dad, and started crying sadly. Then she swam away, heading for the wide ocean to find her own kind.

In his room, Edward was smoking weed and painting gruesome scenes of torture and heartache on the walls. He'd bought a diamond drill online, and with that he gave himself body piercings that were symbols of his emasculation. He was hoping that in 300 years, the artworld would understand the subtle references, and appreciate his pain.

He hated Tom Quinn with all his vengeful heart.