Scenes from whatever it is in Mukuro's Closet (Mukuro: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLOSET!)

Notes: …If you read Forever Yesterday, that would make some sense to you. Most of us don't. Okay, this is going to be the last high school story you'll read. The next two should be the last ones in this. I really need to end this because now I have maybe four other things I'm doing and one other is close to the point where not much else could be added. So it's not because I hate this one, it's just out of convinience.

Story twenty something… or something: Season Finale- Hiei's Mom

"So… You guys are talking now?" Yusuke asked Kurama and Hiei, who looked at each other and shrugged. "Well, you better because we all gotta do our chem project soon. We gotta week, remember? Who's house are we going to this time?" Silence. "Not mine, guys. It's Friday and you don't want to see what my mom does on a Friday night."

"I think we should go to Hiei's house cause we never see it," Kuwabara said, poking Hiei with his plastic fork. "So, fair's fair."

"Fine. I have to give her a call then…" Hiei walked out.

"I swear this guy is the quietest out of all of us but he's always on his phone, what's the deal with that?" No, seriously. Check.

"Does anyone else have his number?" Kurama asked. The other two shook their heads. "You know, I might as well not have it. He never calls me back or texts me back. I think he has both of yours though…"

Hiei walked back in. "My mom says it's okay with her. She actually wanted to know who you were for a while."

"Geez, man, does he think you're hanging out with a bunch of hood rats or something?" Yusuke asked.

"What, you aren't?"

"What about you?"

"I'm not a hood. I just get into fights because I'm short. There's a difference."

"Does your mom know you do it?"

"No."

"Douche."

"What?" He shook his head. "Okay, so we're just going to walk over to Mukuro's place and pick her up first and then we'll get home."

"Why do we have to go there? Can't you take a break from each other for five seconds?" Kuwabara asked.

"Yukina'll be with us so we all know that you'll quit bitching after you realize that. And you can keep dreaming about you ever…"

"No, seriously, why do we have to pick her up?"

"You'll see."

"But… She could just follow us from school…" Silence.

"Hiei, I gotta ask. Why do you always get all the girls? It's like you get more ass than Kurama and I'd rather go out with him than you. I'm not gay or anything but I'd rather go out with him… And he's a nicer guy than you," Yusuke said. It was silent. "…Why do my questions never get answered?"

-.-.-

The five stood in front of Mukuro's house. Hiei turned around. "Okay, nobody touch anything. If you do, you should get yourself tested. And if a woman walks up to you, stand perfectly still and then she won't be able to see you anymore. Then she'll leave you alone. Any questions?"

"Yeah… What in the hell is going on in there? This place looks normal," Yusuke said.

"Yusuke, shut up." He took out a key and unlocked the door.

"Why do you have a key to her house?"

"No, really, Yusuke, shut up." They all walked in. Immediately a huge man came up to him and pointed a rifle in his face. Hiei looked at the barrel cross-eyed and then looked at the man. "Hey." The man continued to glare at him. "Look, just move out of the damn way, man. You and I both know you will never pull that trigger and even if you did you would have forgotten to take out the safety, only to realize that in the end you also forgot to load the gun and when you do you will fill it with blanks which would give me a concussion at best." Then Hiei and the man proceeded to have a stare down.

The man finally turned around and walked into another room, grumbled, "Get out of my house, boy."

"Who the hell was that?" Yusuke asked.

"Her dad. He does this every time I come here."

"This is really creeping me out. I mean, I've seen protective dads but that just took the cake…" Kuwabara said, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"If that's what you want to call it. Her room's at the end of the hall here…" they all followed him down, really not sure whether they wanted to touch stuff to spite him anymore. He stopped in front of the door and knocked. "Unlock the door. It's me."

The door swung open and Mukuro shoved a box in his arms. "This could help you. I found it when I was in the basement last night."

"Uh… What were you doing in the basement?" Kuwabara asked.

"…You… I… Fell down the staircase there." And it was all kinds of awkward.

-.-.-

They all arrived at Hiei's house after a few moments of silence. Okay, make that several moments. Before Hiei could put the key in the lock, a woman opened the door and glomped him and Yukina and gave them both kisses on both cheeks. Actually when she hugged them, the others could hear bones cracking.

"Oh did my babies get home from school okay?" she asked. Of course, neither could breathe so she took it as a yes like usual. "And these are your…" Her eyes fell on Mukuro. "…your friends. How… lovely."

Hiei managed to get enough breath to say, "We have to get our project done…"

"Oh right. I'll just get dinner ready while you boys get that done…" She walked in.

"Why doesn't she like you?" Kurama asked.

"Because she's weird," Mukuro replied.

"She is not. She's just one of those people that thinks no one's good enough for their kid and I think she has something against me hanging around seniors…" Hiei replied. "Let's just go in."

As Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Mukuro, and Hiei sat down at the table (actually Mukuro had to stand because there weren't enough chairs), Yukina asked, "Can I help?"

"Don't you have to do it too?" Hiei asked.

"Well, yeah, but we already got it done. Keiko was really wanting us to get it done as soon as possible. She hates procrastinators."

"No, you can't."

"Dude, can't Mukuro help us? She's a senior so this'll be a cake walk," Yusuke said, elbowing her.

"You have two of the smartest in the class for one. For the other that's not even fair to anyone else. I know stuff that you won't even cover this year so your teacher would know someone else helped you," Mukuro replied.

"So why'd you come?"

"…Really, Yusuke?"

Hiei's mom, who shall be called Hina from this point on because it's short and we all know who she is, walked in. "Hiei, my dear, so how was school today…?" Heart.

"…Okay…?" He was really trying hard not to look at the others.

"Did you make sure you avoided all disease carrying women today because if my baby ended up sick I don't know what I'd do… You need to stay safe, you know."

Wait, what? "Uh… Right…."

"And does my baby…"

"Mom, can we do our work?"

And then the look on her face was like someone opened the world in half and showed her the depths of hell, revealing Hipster Hitler. "M… Is… You hate me now!" And she ran out. Hiei sighed and indicated that he wouldn't take long and he went out to comfort her.

"…Did I mention she thinks I have STDs?" Mukuro asked.

"Dude, he is the last person I would expect to be a mama's boy…" Yusuke mumbled.

"What, it's not obvious? She doesn't let me go anywhere in here without Yukina following me and when I touch something she disinfects it. So I can't really go anywhere here unescorted. It's really creepy."

"Jesus, did she do this to his other girlfriends?"

"You know I'm his first one, right?"

"Bullshit! No you're not!"

"What, yeah, she is," Kurama said. When he gathered weird looks, okay, maybe just ones from Yusuke and Kuwabara, he shrugged. "I've known this guy since… forever. He knows things about me that you'll never know."

"Man, Urameshi, why can't we be bros for life like these guys?" Kuwabara whined. "I mean, I know stuff about you that these guys don't know… Why…?"

"Man, that's so gay!" Yusuke hissed.

"You're gay!"

Hina walked back in… Actually she was kind of clinging on Hiei when he came back in. And then she finally let go and walked in the kitchen.

"Okay. Right. Glycolysis. Let's get this onto a poster. Yusuke, you'll start drawing the graph for…" Hiei was interrupted.

"The hell is that? Isn't that a food from England or something?" Yusuke asked.

"Yusuke, what do you think we were talking about in class for two weeks?" Kurama asked. "It's easy. So you have glucose slash C-six-H-twelve-O-six…"

"You already lost me…"

Hina walked in again. "Hiei, my baby, I just realized that I forgot something and I need to go to the store so here's…" She dropped a phonebook sized pile of papers. "Here's the phone number to the Pentagon, and here's the number to the FBI and a number to Pla-"

"Mom," Hiei growled. Actually he already knew where she was going with that last one.

"But…. But… I'm concerned about my son's health. What if he gets a disease from some filthy harlot and then what'll I do when my son's rose is deflowered and rotted? (How does that work…? was what everyone wanted to know.) Is it wrong for me to be concerned? Am… Am I a bad mother?" And she burst into tears.

"No… I…" He sighed. "I'll… never.. get infected with anything. I was just going to say that… You almost forgot that… I… Uh… I forgot."

"I love you so much…" And she glomped him again. And then she remembered something and shoved it into his hands. "Okay, I'll be back soon so if you need me for anything, come out and call me. Okay…? And also, you really do need to…"

"Mom, you really should get going before it gets dark."

"Okay." And she kissed Yukina and Hiei on the cheeks before she walked out.

Hiei shoved the object into Kurama's hands. "You take it."

Kurama looked down. "Oh god, what the hell, Hiei? This is a…!"

"Shut up. I don't want it. You take it…"

"Seriously, be honest with us this time, man. Are you and Mukuro… getting it on…?" Yusuke asked. "I mean she's over here telling you to get tested like you guys are…"

"No. She's been doing this since freshman year. I don't know why," Hiei sighed. "Then she got even worse when… She doesn't trust me talking to other girls anymore. She used to freak out if ven gave one directions. And obviously it didn't go over well when she had to find out that Mukuro's in the picture."

"Well, I don't think she wants you to be like…" Yukina let that hang there.

"Really? She's going to have to deal with it. This is happening."

"That's so mean. Well, in the summer it's going to change anyway. We got, what, two months before June."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Yusuke asked, voicing everyone's thoughts. He also pointed a marker at him to prove his point. Whatever point he had.

"So in June, I'm turning sixteen."

"Dude, you are not fifteen."

Kurama cut in, "Yes he is."

"I thought our birthday was in November…" Yukina whispered.

"Someone lied to you. You should know- never mind." Hiei rubbed a temple. "So I'll turn sixteen and then we're getting married and we'll be up and out of here. And by that I mean our homes. That's all."

"What?" Kuwabara stood up in his chair.

"Dude, Kurama, give him the condom back, he's gonna need it," Yusuke nudged him.

"Yusuke," Kurama hissed.

"Oh come on, don't act like you don't know they're gonna you know… do it. It's an obligation that they…"

"You're not comprehending the level of this situation! He's… Does your mom know?"

"I didn't know…" Yukina mumbled. "Since when were you…?"

"Look, you can't talk me out of it. It's done. Everything's planned out and in June it's gonna happen. You can't convince me otherwise. And Mukuro already agreed to it. End of discussion," Hiei replied. "So- glycolysis…"

"Dude, how long ago was this? I mean, if not even Yukina knows then it's pretty hidden, then," Kuwabara said. "I thought we had something special, man. Now you're just hiding stuff from us."

"Because you idiots would tell everyone but now we got no choice so…"

"Dude, I wouldn't! You know who'd tell everyone? Botan! That's why she's not homecoming queen!"

"She's not homecoming queen because Kurama made the best pineapple-onion cake, smart one. There was never any voting done."

"But why would you run off and get married like that and not tell me? You tell me everything," Yukina said.

"Because they're in lurv…?" Kurama replied, gathering stares. They all turned to Hiei who rolled his eyes. He jabbed a finger on the poster board indicating that they should get to work.

Yukina glanced at the window. "You know, I haven't heard the car turn on…"

"Ugh. Let me go check and make sure she actually put the key in the ignition instead of the passenger seat again…" Hiei walked out. The four turned to Mukuro, who already knew Yukina's tactic. Hiei has a very crafty sister, you know.

"So how long have you been planning this?" she asked.

"Been about six months," Mukuro replied, shrugging. "Well, look. so he came over to my house one day, I can't remember what for, and after a while he decided that we'd walk out for a while. And so we did and he proposed out of the blue. I'm sure what he was thinking was he saw how bad it was at home, he decided that he was going to find a way to get me out of there. Next year I'm still going to be at home. So…" she shrugged. Yusuke and Kuwabara exchanged questioning looks. "…He's a nicer guy than you think. And I'm not at all surprised at… Well, you get the picture."

"No way. That guy is… How…" Yusuke was one step away from banging his head on the wall.

"No, he is nice. He's done stuff for me like once he stayed up all night with me when we were eight and he helps me with my homework all the time… And he made sure the bullies left me alone…" Yukina replied, still struggling with her own belief. "I can understand why he's… marrying… But he didn't tell me. And I'm so hurt."

"I would have wanted to tell you but he said that no one should know until it's ready to come out. And I guess now's the time for it to come out."

"This is too weird. Man, the hell, man?" Yusuke kicked his chair.

Hiei walked in. "She evolved from the passenger seat to the steering wheel." he noticed everyone was staring at him. "The hell did I just walk in on?"

"Dude, why aren't you nice to us?"

"Because you guys are dicks. Dicks that don't know when it's time to work."

"Yeah, well, you're a dick, too. A dick that doesn't tell people shit."

"There's a reason… Just drop it, okay? You know now. There. Shut it."

"Yeah, well, she'll be sitting there and her water'll be breaking when we realize that she's knocked up. And tell me your mom won't really freak out when she finds out. She'll disown you. Or something."

"What's done is done. Shut up."

Kuwabara was getting tired of this teen drama stuff and decided that he would look at the notes for the project. Then he realized he didn't understand a single thing on yhe page. "Ugh… You guys are something else. And I thought we could be bros for life. And I was really starting to think that the prez could be one of us and then this happens."

"Why can't i?" Mukuro asked.

"Never mind. Man, is there anything else anyone has to add since we're all coming out of the closet?" Kuwabara asked. "…No, seriously. Cause, I want you guys to all know that I'm going to shoot someone in this room if we have another revelation."

Silence. "…So is your dad this weird…?" Yusuke asked.

"Our dad died in Vietnam, dumb ass," Hiei replied.

"The hell was he doing in Vietnam? What country are we in anyway?"

"It was a hotdog eating contest…" Yukina mumbled. "We were five. And he missed our soccer match. It was the last game of the season and he wasn't there. So now we can't watch World Cup Soccer without crying…" She started to tear up at the thought.

"This is dumb."

Hina walked back in. "I'm back! Did my babies miss me? Are they okay?" She pinched Yukina's cheek… And then everyone remembered the giant revelation while she was out of the room and it was pretty awkward. Especially when she stopped and sprayed the table with disinfectant after Mukuro took her hands off it.

And then the guys finally decided to do their homework. Mostly because Hina was standing in the room most of the time. And then they ate dinner… Which tasted vaguely like disinfectant. Since these guys are apparently druggies and drink the stuff all the time.

After dinner, Yukina got up to wash dishes and the others decided it was time to go home.

"Where are you going, Hiei-dear?" Hina asked when he was walking to the door.

"I'm going to walk them home," Hiei replied. Actually it was more like he was just walking Mukuro home, seeing how they pretty much have to go different directions.

"Okay. Well, take this…" She gave him a handful of sanitary napkins. "It'll keep the diseases away. And don't forget your rape siren."

"Right…"

And they walked out.

Kuwabara asked, "So what country are we in?"

"It doesn't matter," Kurama replied. "We're all in Chernobyl anyway."

And so the Grecian children walked down the streets of Seoul, Boba in one hand, churros in another, singing a song of lamentations, awaiting the end times that arrive in the next day.

Notes: The last line was supposed to make you say, "What do you mean it wasn't made on drugs?" (…Technically everything I've written was. If you take medications into account.) Guys actually have to be eighteen to marry. Women can be sixteen. But when you're marrying at sixteen you need parental consent. So… Yeah. This is the most work I've put into something. Two stories left and I'm calling it quits.