Chapter 25
This is no longer the journal of Shmi Skywalker, but of Shmi Lars. It sounds so strange – sweet Beru made me say it to her this morning as she helped me get ready, and then say it again when I stuttered over the newness of it. She has a sweet bright disposition, and is full of sensible talk and ideas. She confessed to me, blushing as she twined my hair about my head, that she hoped that she could marry Owen someday so that I could be her mother. Her mother, I'm presuming, is dead. I rose and hugged her, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. Perhaps someday she will be my daughter. Owen calls me Mother Shmi, and it makes me very happy. I only wish Anakin could have been here. He would be 13 years old now – an important age to one training to be a Jedi, I hear. I wonder what he would think of it all. I like to think he would approve. Owen is a little older than Ani, but I like to think they would get along even though they are very different. I love Owen, but I can never love him as I love Ani.
The ceremony was simple, and brief. I almost can't believe it has happened at all. Cliegg wore a neater, finer version of the farm tunic I have always seen him in, and Beru's family attended. I enjoyed meeting them – they were kind. Other than that, there was little fuss, though Wald stopped by on a swoop bike just a little while ago bearing Watto's good wishes. I wonder how he heard, and what he thinks of all this. He probably can't believe it either.
I sleep with my husband now. It is very strange, but he does not make me uncomfortable. He watched me our first night as I ignited a glowrod that I have always put in the window, to remind myself to be ready in case Anakin were to return. Suddenly, I felt a sinking feeling, knowing that he would not know where to look for me now. I sat up a long while, keeping vigil, as I say, and directing my thoughts on his behalf. I wonder if he can sense me through the Force. I would not be surprised. Cliegg waited for me in patient silence, seeming to understand. When I at last took a deep breath and came to him, he embraced me, and we lay down to sleep side by side. It was the first time I had ever been with a man in the night. But he is my husband. It somehow still felt wrong. Perhaps these feelings will pass in time.
This morning I rose and prepared breakfast for Cliegg and Owen, and the Whitesuns, who had stayed the night. It was a happy time of laughing and celebrating. Then we all returned to our work for the remainder of the day. Just like that. Moisture farming is an all-consuming life. But it is a good life. I am learning so much, and enjoying every moment of my new family.
That is so strange to record. My family. My family is Ani. Somehow, I feel I cannot ever properly have both. I have not spoken these thoughts to anyone, not even Cliegg. He has been more than kind to me, and says that I make him so happy.
That is it. This data tablet divides my loyalties, connecting me to my past. I will write only when there is something extraordinary to record now. I must live in the present – and not look back.