FORGIVENESS

TWENTYFIVE

Wil and The Doctor had hiked for several kilometers; the only sounds their rhythmic breathing and their footfalls against the hard ground.

The silence was finally broken by Wil, "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"I'm wondering if that was your doing back there."

"What do you mean?"

"Jack's apology."

The Time Lord shook his head, "No, I had nothing at all to do with it. That was one hundred percent unadulterated Captain Jack Harkness."

"Really?"

"You don't believe me?"

"Well, Jack tends to hang on to his feelings."

"Yes, he does."

She stopped, pulled out a water bottle and offered it to him. He shook his head again and waited while she drank.

"And I know that I've hurt him badly," she acknowledged.

"Yes, you have."

Wil smiled thinly as she stowed her bottle. "Thanks for understanding. Not much of a conversationalist, are you?"

"I can be, when I have something to say."

"Are you telling me you have nothing to say about Jack?"

"Oh, I do indeed. I'm just not certain you want to hear it."

"What do you mean?"

He said nothing.

"Go ahead."

He considered and then nodded thoughtfully. "Jack apologized, but he didn't say that he'd forgiven you. You're the one who first used that word. You made an assumption."

"But…"

"Think about it."

She flashed her eyes at him and they resumed hiking. After a few minutes she glanced sidelong at the Time Lord and sighed. "You're right; I assumed that was what he was saying. I jumped at it. I guess I've been so hoping…"

"Wil, he didn't disagree with you. But as you say Jack does have a very long memory and I suspect he's still hurt and angry. But he's making an effort to set those feelings aside for the good of the team. You know as well as I that above all else Jack's a hero, and that the success of the mission will always come first."

"Oh God," she said sadly, "I wish he could just forget I ever existed." She looked at The Doctor almost pleadingly, "You know, like when Spock makes Kirk forget Rayna in Requiem for Methuselah."

With a firm hand on her shoulder he stopped her. "But why? Why would you want to do that? Jack is a better person for having known you. A better man for having fallen in love with you. He gained so much from your relationship and yet you would seek to take that from him? Again I ask you why? Because you hurt and angered him?"

"YES! Are those not good enough reasons? I loved him. I still love him. Why would I want to be the cause of such pain?"

"Because you had no choice?" He shrugged but then he looked at her coolly. "And because in the end it was what you wanted?" She glared at him angrily but he continued unabated, "I know that what happened to you only happened because you wanted it, you embraced it. You encouraged it. I offered you a gift – an opportunity – and you grabbed it and ran with it. What you did was brave and it was altruistic and it was wise and it was bold but it was also selfish and self-serving. And that's okay, really. We're all of us driven by complex forces. None of us are simple or simplistic creatures. In truth you had few choices and you did the only thing you could do – the right thing. But you hurt Jack in the process. He's still picking up the pieces, Wil.

"The question is," he peered at her closely, "are you going to hurt him again?"

Her answer was unexpected. "How I wish," she said softly, as if only to herself, "that cup could be taken from me."

He looked at her curiously but did not speak.

"It feels to me like no matter what happens here I will end up hurting him. I accepted it as a fait accompli before I came back, but knowing it intellectually and living it emotionally are two very different things." She smiled, but it was not a particularly happy smile.

"If I remain in this universe, Doctor, I will hurt him. My presence would confound his life and confuse his heart. So I cannot remain here, but I will hurt Jack in a different manner by leaving him again. I have to leave and you more than anyone knows this to be true. Assuming you allow it – and I well know you can stop me, you can take back the gift you gave me – Grasshopper and I will disappear when we are finished with this mission, as you call it. My previous work is not yet complete, but that is not the real reason why I must leave. It is, however, the excuse I will give Jack and the excuse I suspect you will encourage him to accept. But you know the real reason, don't you?"

After a time he nodded.

Now it was her turn to shrug. "Good, then we are accomplices, but our conspiracy is solely for the ultimate good of all."

"Jack is gonna kill me," he smiled faintly, wondering if she recalled when he'd spoken the exact same words to her, once upon a time, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

She smiled back knowingly, remembering perfectly, "Only if he finds out. But if he does, I don't think he'll kill you, Doctor. He may punch out your lights – I'd watch out for his left hook if I were you."

The Time Lord laughed heartily, as always enjoying the radiant symmetry.

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"What about you?"

"Me? Oh, I always thought Spock made a mistake when he did that to Kirk."

"No, I mean…"

"I know what you mean, Wil. Water off a duck."

"Really?"

He thought for a long moment, "Not always and not often, but this time? Yes. You've earned your second chance."

The Doctor offered his arm to her and she took it gratefully.