A/N: My writing last chapter was so weak I am so sorry.
This chapter is just an ode to emails, but I had a ball writing this, because I immensely enjoyed the 'emailing' aspect of this story way back when. I enjoy characterization, too, and especially because this is an AU story and has a lot of progression, keep an eye out for how Nina and Fabian are developing over two computer screens.
As of November 27th, 2013, I'm currently on House of Risks & House of Thieves. I can't deal with all my Fabina feels, honestly. You'll never understand how hard I shipped them back in 2011. And I still like them, just a bit, I just wished the writers in s2 had drawn them out better. (Like there were no awkward moments whatsoever and their whole relationship is just awkwardness I don't know what happened.) EDIT: 12/5/13 - I'm on House of Who? & House of Frauds and ugh I hate season 2.
Also, like I said, I'm going to document my progress. I really hate season 2, so you're going to have to hold me over there, but by the time I get to season 3...I'm going to be a mess. The first couple of episodes will really hurt because FA-BI-NA and DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT THE SERIES FINALE. If the minuscule THOUGHT of the series finale can make me cry (And not just the "Ohemgee I cried so hard during the Notebook!" but you barely shed a tear kind of cried, LEGITIMATELY SOBBING YOUR EYES OUT KIND OF CRYING) then that just goes to show how much this show means to me.
Review?(:
/o~~~o/
Nina
Chapter 25: "The Emails"
My phone rang. For the first time, it read: "Fabian Rutter" as the caller ID. I had to say, it felt odd seeing that on my phone screen instead of on my computer screen.
"Hey," I breathed, and I could practically feel Fabian celebrating through the other end of the phone. I knew him, and I also knew that he was kind of sort of not really expecting me to pick up the phone when he called it. "What's up?"
"Nothing," Fabian responded, holding in his excitement. I grinned at how happy he was; I knew he'd wanted my telephone number since we'd reunited back in August, but he also knew I felt too uncomfortable doing so until the other day, when he'd come to pick me up instead of Eddie when I didn't phone him to tell him everything was going smoothly. "Um...I'm just getting ready for the reveal."
"Right," I whispered, scratching the back of my neck. I knew he'd was going to reveal our secret to the world for over a week now, but in these seven days he's been prepping for it, I've barely told him how scared I was. Because, honestly, I was terrified.
I had no idea how the people around me were going to react. My schoolmates looked at me differently when the first picture at the park was taken; how would they look at me when Fabian told the entire world that I was the mother of his child? I knew it wouldn't go down well; but Fabian kept reminding me that back on New Years Day, in the diner, I'd agreed; if I hadn't agreed with his idea, he wouldn't have done it, since I was final decision. I definitely wanted to get the truth out, just so I didn't have to live in hiding anymore, but I was terrified at the fact that now my private life would be exposed to seven billion people.
"How's Emma?" I asked him. Only a few hours ago, Eddie had driven Emma to Fabian's house, since I still couldn't drive. I'd agreed to also give his daughter to him during the livestream where he'd reveal the secret, but I also missed my daughter more than anything. It felt weird without her in the house; weirder than it felt to let Emma sleep over her father's house back on Christmas.
"She's good!" he announced, letting the receiver bounce a bit. I guessed he was looking for Emma, wherever she may be in his house. "She's playing with Isabelle right now. As you know, Isabelle is still pregnant, and expecting a baby...I let her play with Emma, just so she could see what a small toddler looks like. But Emma's going to be with me once I reveal it. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, perfectly okay," I breathed out again, trying to hide my fear in my tone. Even after all the photographs, even after the taunting at school grew so bad that I had to leave town, I had never been more terrified in my life than right now. "So...I guess we're really doing it."
"I guess so," Fabian's voice was nothing more than a whisper through the other end of the phone. It felt weird to not be typing out a message to him, and instead speaking it. This was much quicker than IMs. "I'm ready to do this, though. It's time we just rip the bandaid off. What do you think?"
"Yeah," I agreed, "let's do it. Let's rip the bandaid off."
I could practically feel Fabian's smile through the phone. He was getting rid of all the rumors and replacing them with the truth. He didn't have to deny the mother of his child in public anymore. "Nina, I have to get ready," he told me. "If I'm going to set up the livestream so the beginning doesn't come out choppy and annoying, I think I have to let you go."
"Okay," I said, letting him bid me a goodbye and hang up. The first time we ever spoke, he hung up on me while five months ago I was sure it would be that would hang up if we ever talked by telephone. I knew Emma was safe in the Rutter household, but it killed me to think of her in anyone else's arms but mine and Fabian's. I had grown so close to him over the past five months, it was surreal thinking about how close we had become when in the beginning I wouldn't give him the time of day.
I threw the phone on the sheets of my bed, letting the mobile device crash next to my open laptop on the foot of the bed. My gaze rested there, my mind traveling to all of emails that Fabian and I had sent, since I refused to give him the number. I sighed, looking down with sadness and nostalgia; nostalgia for five months ago, before I invited him to the park, and the photo of Emma, Fabian, and myself was taken.
My phone was resting there, lonely, while the email platform was waiting to be opened. I figured I had enough time to glance through them; Fabian would take at least another twenty minutes before the livestream premiered and our secret was revealed.
I opened our emails.
/o~~~o/
The first thing I saw was the date of August 9th, 2012; almost five months ago from today. It seemed like such a long time ago, since Fabian and I had developed into what we were right now (with some forks in the road, also).
Fabian Rutter Hey.
Nina Martin Hi.
Fabian Rutter How are you?
Nina Martin I'm fine. What about you?
Fabian Rutter Sisters are annoying. One of my sisters won't leave me alone. You'd think at sixteen she'd be more mature about who I'm talking to on the Internet.
Nina Martin One of?
Fabian Rutter Yeah. I have four sisters. -_-
Nina Martin Well, that sucks
Fabian Rutter Tell me about it. How's Emma?
Nina Martin She's fine. I told her about you. She wants to meet you.
Fabian Rutter Can I? I've never seen my daughter before. Ever. But beware because I might freak out and pass out because I don't think the fact that I'm a dad has fully sunk in yet.
Nina Martin Sure. Are you free today?
Fabian Rutter I'm free after six. Does six pm sound good?
Nina Martin Great.
.
My teeth bared in embarrassment from our first conversation; the messages were so short and awkward compared to our conversations recently. We had been fighting a lot in person and over the computer screen too, but compared to August, I treated him like a distant relative, when he was anything and everything but that to me.
I've admitted I was just too scared to get close to him, in fear he'd do something unthinkable to me because he was famous and didn't have a choice. Back before I even sent him the photograph, I was convinced Emma would never have a father. I loved Fabian and his music, I really did, but I still remembered that time, in December 2010, six months after Emma was born, on the day I found out Fabian was the father; I couldn't say his name, nor matter how many times I tried to force it out of my mouth.
The afternoon before that felt disgusting to me, because I had said his name when Mara mentioned him to me without even knowing who he was at the time. Then after I saw his face on the Internet, I couldn't force the three syllables out of my mouth. They felt cursed, somehow, like if I said his name, I'd forget all of my memories of him. I had nothing but four hours of memories of him, and I couldn't afford to lose them when I had finally found Emma's father.
The next batch of messages were the ones that we had sent the day after Fabian had met Emma for the first time.
.
Fabian Rutter Morning.
Nina Martin Hey.
Fabian Rutter What's up?
Nina Martin Nothing.
Fabian Rutter Why so glum?
Nina Martin No reason.
Fabian Rutter Well, there has to be a reason. Do you hate me?
Nina Martin Fabian, if I hated you, would I have asked you to meet Emma yesterday?
Fabian Rutter Good point. How is she?
Nina Martin As good as a two-year-old can be.
Fabian Rutter How are YOU?
Nina Martin Good. And you?
Fabian Rutter I'm okay. Aaron's pestering me.
Nina Martin Aaron...?
Fabian Rutter My manager.
Nina Martin Oh. I keep forgetting that you're famous.
Fabian Rutter That's coming from you, the obsessed fan.
Nina Martin I'm not obsessed!
Fabian Rutter Well, do you like my music?
Nina Martin Of-of course I do? I've liked it since 2009?
Fabian RutterWhat do you mean OH WAIT WE MET IN 2009 I FORGOT.
Nina Martin Yeah, well, I never forgot because I couldn't.
Fabian Rutter Jeez, I'm sorry. This must be hard on you.
Nina Martin Well, I'm over it by now.
Fabian Rutter Okay. I...Well, Nina, I have a question. Do you honestly, /really/ want me in Emma's life?
Nina Martin Of course I do. Why wouldn't I want Emma to know her dad?
Fabian Rutter Well...you seemed kind of...distant yesterday.
Nina Martin Did I? Well, there's a reason for everything, Fabian.
Fabian Rutter Can you tell me?
Nina Martin I've already told you. Maybe if you'd listen.
Fabian Rutter I AM listening, you're just not continuing!
...Sorry, did that upset you?
Nina Martin No, I'm good
Fabian Rutter I'm sorry. When I'm angry...I don't know how to get the anger out, so I...I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Nina Martin It's okay. I've had much worse.
Fabian Rutter What do you mean?
Nina Martin How do you think people treated a pregnant teen in the late months of 2009 and the early months of 2010?
Fabian Rutter Shit, I'm so sorry.
Nina Martin Stop apologizing. It's not all your fault.
Fabian Rutter Still...that night we met, do you remember it?
Nina Martin Crystal clearly.
Fabian Rutter Do you want to talk about it with me?
Nina Martin Not really. Thinking about it...I haven't done that in a while. It would hurt too much.
Fabian Rutter I don't...I don't understand.
Nina Martin I have to go, Fabian. I'll try to talk to you tomorrow.
.
"Ugh," I muttered, scrolling through the messages; I couldn't believe how I had acted. I knew that because Fabian had acted like the ultimate mystery the night we met and never told me his name, I was now acting like the ultimate mystery by not telling him anything about me or my life, even though we has still one of the most interesting people (Well, interesting is putting it lightly).
I pressed the down arrow key, my eyes scanning over myself typing out messages between us: messages that consisted of me trying to blow him off every chance I got. I remembered what was coming next, and I almost laughed at myself at how stupid I was being. Compared to now...if I still acted like that around Fabian, Emma wouldn't have a father. Sure, I was still mad at him to the day, but we'd just keep going in circles if I continued to be a mystery around him.
.
Fabian Rutter Hey, Nina, are you there? We haven't talked for a few days...I just want to make sure you're okay.
Nina Martin Oh, I'm fine.
Fabian Rutter Good, good. Why haven't you talked to me lately?
Nina Martin Oh, no reason.
Fabian Rutter Come on, now, there has to be a reason. Why haven't you talked? You can trust me, Nina. I promise.
Nina Martin Oh, alright. Before you do anything drastic to prove your loyalty...I'll tell you. I was just thinking about you and I realized that I do not wish to talk to you anymore.
Fabian Rutter ...What?
Nina Martin This is hard enough as it is, Fabian. I can't do this anymore.
Fabian Rutter Why not? Nina, we promised we'd give Emma the family she deserves. You can't back out on me now. Don't shut me out, Nina, I'm here for you.
Nina Martin Yes I can, and no, you're not. I know I've said this before, Fabian, but you don't know anything about Emma, and she's your own daughter!
Fabian Rutter Well, that's because you refuse to both 1) let me see her and 2) never tell me anything about her.
Nina Martin Fabian, honestly, we're just strangers with memories. I wish I could just go back in time and never send you the photograph at all. I'm an idiot, okay?
Fabian Rutter No, Nina, don't say that. It's going to be fine, if you'd just let yourself talk to me. I'll always be here, it doesn't matter that I'm famous. I'm a father, like you said, above all.
Nina Martin Okay. Just please don't get my hopes up.
Fabian Rutter Yeah. So...why don't you tell me more about Emma?
Nina Martin Kay. So, um...she has brown hair and blue eyes.
Fabian Rutter Yeah, Nina, I know that obviously haha. What else? What about her full name? And the day she was born? It's saddening that I don't know these things.
Nina Martin You don't know these things because you weren't there, Fabian. Her full name is Emma Grace Martin and she was born on May 25th, 2010.
Fabian Rutter I see...so that's the date my daughter was born...what does she like?
Nina Martin Well, I can't answer this properly because she's only 2 and hasn't yet developed likes and dislikes.
Fabian Rutter We're living in the present here, Nines. What does she like as of right now?
Nina Martin Um...smashing food with her hands. Getting her face messy. Getting along with my DEMON CAT Luna, meanwhile Luna hates my guts.
Fabian Rutter Haha you have a demon cat?
Nina Martin LUNA IS A DEMON CAT.
Fabian Rutter And Emma gets along with this demon cat?
Nina Martin They're like best friends. It isn't fair.
Fabian Rutter Well, I'll have to remember that the next time I come over your house and see this demon cat of yours. What else can you tell me about Emma?
Nina Martin Fabian, only five minutes ago I told you I never wanted to speak to you again. I'm not going to tell you about her.
Fabian Rutter You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but please, just this once, tell me about Emma. Please.
Nina Martin You don't really want to hear about her, you just feel guilty that you missed the milestones.
Fabian Rutter That's not true!
Nina Martin Oh, so you don't wish you weren't here to hear her first word or see her first steps? To hear the first time she laughed or smiled, or ate food on her own?
Fabian Rutter Well, of course I do, but the past is the past. I can't go back in time and see those things. But, just out of curiosity...what were they like?
Nina Martin What was what like?
Fabian Rutter Her first steps.
Nina Martin Oh, jeez. Emma was fourteen months old, right? Eddie's over my house, helping me look after her, when suddenly she lifts herself up and starts to toddle across the carpet. I wanted to help but Eddie held me back and told me to let nature do its business. So because he held me back, I couldn't do anything as Emma banged her head into the television and toppled to the floor. She didn't walk again until she seventeen months old. Eddie traumatized her.
Fabian Rutter OH MY GOD is that true?
Nina Martin 100%. I still blame Eddie for Emma's unstable-ness as she walks to this day. It's horrible.
Fabian Rutter I can see why. Jeez...what about her first word?
Nina Martin Mom. Nothing exciting, it just happened at breakfast one morning while my grandmother was making eggs.
Fabian Rutter The first time she laughed or smiled?
Nina Martin Fabian, I could tell you these things, but I feel you're just making up for it since you weren't there.
Fabian Rutter That's exactly what I'm doing...? Nina, I've already said I wasn't there, but I'm Emma's father and I deserve to hear these things, especially from the mother.
Nina Martin I know...but still, it doesn't make up for the two years you were missing. It doesn't make up for all the nights I cried myself to sleep because I knew Emma would never know her father. You weren't there to experience it yourself, since the only fatherly/love figure I have in my life is Eddie and I couldn't be less romantically attracted to him than a dead slug.
Fabian Rutter Nice comparison. I know this isn't a laughing matter, but I'm here for you, Nina, and you're yet to understand that.
Nina Martin I have to go, Fabian. I'm sorry.
Fabian Rutter Oh, come on, Nina, don't do this right now.
Nina Martin Do you know how many times I've cried for you? You weren't there when I held the pregnancy test and faked Eddie out, making him think I was asleep. He didn't know that I was awake when I heard him converse with Mara about how he thought me getting pregnant was entirely my fault and that he doesn't blame the father for not wanting anything to do with me. I tried to find you the day after I found out I was pregnant, but since I didn't know your name and could barely remember how to get back to the coffee shop, since I just wandered there that day back in 2009, I couldn't find you. And I just gave up hope.
Fabian Rutter I'm sorry.
.
I sighed after reading the messages. I never told Fabian that in the late months of 2009 and the early months of 2010, I was still considering getting an abortion. I knew from the moment the plus sign popped up on the test that I wouldn't be able to take care of a baby at only fifteen years old, but somehow I gave into love and gave birth to the damn child anyway. And after all this time, I knew it was a good decision. I wouldn't know what I would do if I had aborted Emma; I wouldn't know her, and no other parents would know her, either, if I had given her up for adoption.
I was not against abortion (I think it's a personal decision and no woman's rights should be negotiated with), but I didn't regret my decision giving birth to Emma at all. I loved her, I truly did.
Even after all this time, Fabian really didn't know Emma all that much. All he really knows about her is that she likes horses, carrots, playing with people's hair, toy cars and dolls and more than anything, messing up people's hair.
.
Fabian Rutter What's today's date?
Nina Martin The eighteenth of August, I believe. Don't you have a calender on your computer?
Fabian Rutter Not since Olivia took it and dropped it, damaging the inner screen, conveniently destroying the lower right corner, where the calender is.
Nina Martin What about on your phone?
Fabian Rutter My phone fucked up a long time ago because I was letting Chloe screw around with it and now I can't scroll on any applications, so the calender on my phone has read 'October 17th, 3111 for, like, ages.
Nina Martin Well, that sucks. Is Olivia the oldest one or the second oldest?
Fabian Rutter Olivia is actually the youngest one.
Nina Martin Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
Fabian Rutter Don't apologize, Nina! There's nothing to be sorry for. How long have we been talking for? Five days? I doubt you'd be able to know all of my four sisters in that time. Oh, and...do you know all of their names by now?
Nina Martin Oh, hell no. I'm predicting you want me to guess their names, so, um...Olivia, Sophia, Chloe, and...I don't know, Layla.
Fabian Rutter Well, like you said and I told you, Olivia and Chloe are two of them. But Sophia and Layla aren't their names; Isabelle and Rosie are.
Nina Martin Ah.
Fabian Rutter Urg. Don't shut me out, Nina.
Nina Martin What? How did you take "Ah" and presume I'm shutting you out?
Fabian Rutter I don't know. I just felt like you couldn't be bothered by talking to me.
Nina Martin I'm taking time out of my day to talk to you right now, aren't I?
Fabian Rutter Well, yeah, but it's a Saturday right now. You aren't in school and you could talk to me all day, since you're not overwhelmed with schoolwork.
Nina Martin Oh, and I don't have friends I could be seeing and talking to right now, instead?
Fabian Rutter I bet you didn't even give them your telephone number, either, so they're out with their other friends.
Nina Martin Argh, Fabian, how long are you going to hold that against me? I do not feel comfortable giving you my phone number.
Fabian Rutter Why? If I had your number, I could message you on the spot, and call you when I needed you. I'd be able to learn more about you. What if I thought you were choking on a peanut and couldn't call you to make sure you were alive?
Nina Martin Good argument, but still, no.
Fabian Rutter Okay. Whatever. But I'm serious about the 'getting to know each other' stuff. See, Nina, the way the whole 'friend' thing works is that you have to tell each other the deep stuff.
Nina Martin The deep stuff.
Fabian Rutter Yeah.
Nina Martin Like...what?
Fabian Rutter Like...what's your favorite color?
Nina Martin Oh, now you've crossed the line.
Fabian Rutter Ha. But I'm serious, what is it?
Nina Martin Blue. What about you?
Fabian Rutter Red. So I guess together, we could create purple ;)
Nina Martin Yeah, right.
Fabian Rutter What, you don't see kissing me in the future?
Nina Martin I thought I had told you this already, Fabian. And I thought we were 'getting to know each other'?
Fabian Rutter Okay, okay. Why do you like the color blue so much?
Nina Martin ...I don't really know. But the shade of blue I like is weaker than the ocean, but stronger than the sky. The sky lets anyone fly in it, but the ocean fights back. I like...like a concrete shade of blue. Why do you like the color red?
Fabian Rutter Dunno. I just like how it looks. So what's your favorite movie?
Nina Martin I'd have to say Titanic.
Fabian Rutter Oh, come on, Nina. I figured you'd like a movie with a love story that ISN'T love at first sight. If there's anything I remember from our night together, is that you were very cynical.
Nina Martin See, this is your problem, Fabian. You're too thickheaded and stubborn and won't open your mind the slightest bit.
Fabian Rutter What do you mean by that?
Nina Martin The love story featured in the film Titanic wasn't love at first sight. In fact, I don't even believe in love at first sight. Their relationship developed nicely, and it's one of the only love stories I actually believe nowadays.
Fabian Rutter Do you not believe OUR love story?
Nina Martin Well, lately, I've been doubting it.
Fabian Rutter How have you been doubting it?! You were there with me, Nina. I asked if you wanted to have sex, and you said you wanted to. As I got you pregnant, I'm pretty sure you remember that night pretty clearly. How do you not believe our love story?!
Nina Martin Because it's not a love story.
Fabian Rutter Not a love story? But...you...I fell in love with you that day.
Nina Martin We knew each other for six hours, Fabian.
Fabian Rutter And your favorite love story, the Titanic, knew each other for THREE DAYS.
Nina Martin I thought we were discussing favorite movies?
Fabian Rutter We were. Anyway...I guess my favorite movie would have to be Ghost. Mostly because I love paranormal stuff and I like the story of Sam and Molly.
Nina Martin Cool. What about your favorite food?
Fabian Rutter Uhhhhh I love spaghetti. You could hand me a plate full of spaghetti and I'd eat it in five minutes. And you?
Nina Martin I don't really have a favorite food.
Fabian Rutter Oh, come on.
Nina Martin I'm serious! It would be unfair to the other food if I picked a favorite!
Fabian Rutter Well, then, okay. What do you usually eat for breakfast, then?
Nina Martin Oatmeal.
Fabian Rutter You answered rather quickly. What do you eat for lunch on the weekends, when you're not in school?
Nina Martin Oatmeal.
Fabian Rutter Okay, then...what about snacks?
Nina Martin Oatmeal cookies.
Fabian Rutter You certainly love oatmeal.
Nina Martin I DO. I'M SORRY IT'S ALL MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD EAT BACK IN 2010. I ate it so much that I actually grew quite fond of it. I have a whole cabinet full of oatmeal, so me and my grandmother will be eating that for breakfast for the next few years or so.
Fabian Rutter Oh, yeah, and I have another question. Why do you live with your grandmother? Where are your parents?
Nina Martin Oh, they died when I was ten.
Fabian Rutter Well that was blunt
Nina Martin Yeah, it was, wasn't it? I guess I was being a little insensitive, which I shouldn't have. But whenever I tell people that they passed away, they always expect me to like break down in their arms and cry or something. I don't think they understand that it's been seven years.
Fabian Rutter Well, I'm sorry for that.
Nina Martin It's fine. I'm over it by now, of course. So anyway...where do you go to school?
Fabian Rutter Oh, I don't go to school.
Nina Martin What? But when I met you, you said you were attending a performing arts school. Not to mention that you hated going there because no one was nice to you, believed in you, or thought you could become a singer.
Fabian Rutter Well, I was attending that school at the time. But in the early months of 2010, I stopped.
Nina Martin What do you mean?
Fabian Rutter I asked for a record deal, and I got it. I met Aaron, my manager, the most annoying man on the planet, and he insisted on homeschooling me because 'I have so much talent and I shouldn't let minorities stop me from thinking that I don't'. Ugh.
Nina Martin Oh, I understand.
Fabian Rutter I would've thought you, Nina Martin, the obsessed Fabian Rutter fan, would know everything about me.
Nina Martin Okay, Fabian, here's something you need to get through your thick head: I am not a fan that demanded to see you and you obliged to make me happy.
Fabian Rutter I know that...?
Nina Martin Just let me finish. Like I said, we only knew each other for 4 hours before you started to unhook my bra strap, Fabian. You sang to me and played me the guitar when we went back to your flat, but that's all I heard of you before we started having sex, and in the morning I left, never to see you again, not knowing that you had gotten me pregnant. I didn't even know your name, so when Mara said that she liked the 'new singer' Fabian Rutter about October 2010, I had no idea what I'd see when I searched up the name.
Fabian Rutter What did you see?
Nina Martin I saw your face.
Fabian Rutter Well, obviously, but...what else happened? How much damage did I do that night?
Nina Martin What else happened? I screamed. I cried. I didn't come to school the next day. Eddie came to my house when he realized that I wasn't in school. I cried to him and told him I found Emma's father. He didn't believe me.
Fabian Rutter He didn't believe you?
Nina Martin Of course not. No one did.
Fabian Rutter No, wait, back up a little bit. Who's Eddie? And why wouldn't anyone believe you?
Nina Martin Think about it. What if I came clean, what if I told the entire school that famous singer Fabian Rutter was the father of my child? What do you think they'd say? What if you weren't the father, what if you were just a schoolmate?
Fabian Rutter I don't know. I probably wouldn't judge because I don't know.
Nina Martin That's not the point, Fabian. Would you believe me if I said that a famous singer was the missing father to my child?
Fabian Rutter That a famous man got a fifteen-year-old girl pregnant? No. But it happened, and that's why I don't understand why you don't just come clean. If you say the truth, then...
Nina Martin Fabian, if my best friend didn't believe me when I told him you were the father, what makes you think that the entire school would?
Fabian Rutter I guess you have a point there. But...if you said it now...I wouldn't deny it.
.
I sighed, looking away from the computer screen. He said, back on August 11th, that he wouldn't deny the truth if I just came out and said it, but on October 28th, he did just what he said he wouldn't.
I don't think that either of us really got to know each other on that date, as neither of us really would. I know Fabian says he knows me, just because he knows tons of little things, how I developed a habit of climbing stairs while holding on the railing because when I was pregnant, I couldn't climb them any other way, and how I always wore my mother's green ring because all of my memories of her have faded by now, and the ring was my only reminder of her.
We barely got to know each other, even in the almost-six months we've been talking.
Scrolling down a bit more, I noticed the date was September 3rd, 2012: the day before I went back to school. I remembered that conversation I'd had with him. talking to him about how I dreaded tomorrow, as I'd have to see all of my classmates: all of the people who constantly taunted me and made me feel like I was worthless day by day.
Many weeks had passed between our last conversation on August 18th and the one approaching, which was all sent on September 3rd. Our conversations between then had mostly consisted of talking about how our day went while Fabian complained about Aaron, pestered me for my telephone number, and tried to make small talk while I avoided anything and everything to do with him.
However, within the few weeks that passed, we had grown close. Not the Ya'aburnee kind of close, but close enough that I wished him a happy birthday when he turned nineteen without him even once telling me what day it was (And I call that progress). I felt comfortable enough talking to him about going back to school, since Eddie and Mara just didn't understand, nor did they know that I had been in contact with Emma's father for almost a month, and he was the only one I'd ever consider going to in this situation.
.
Nina Martin Hey, Fabian, are you there?
Fabian Rutter Yep. Why, what's wrong? Do I need to kick someone's ass?
Nina Martin No, ha...but I am going back to school tomorrow.
Fabian Rutter Oh. And what's wrong with that?
Nina Martin Everything. I hate going to school.
Fabian Rutter Why?
Nina Martin I've told you this before, Fabian. I was just a poor little girl, still waiting for her happy ending that she'd never get, with the person she'd never find.
Fabian Rutter What do you mean by that, exactly?
Nina Martin Fabian, you're a smart boy! You know what I'm talking about. No one at my school, except for Eddie and Mara, know about you being Emma's father. Each and everyone of them think that some random dude just knocked me up and never called me again because he realized how bad I was in bed. I wanted the one I couldn't have, and my schoolmates constantly taunt me to this day. I can't stand school. I don't want to go back, Fabian, don't make me go back.
Fabian Rutter I'm sorry, Nina, I really am. I'd do anything to help you if I could, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do. Do you want to get an education?
Nina Martin I do, I really do, but...sometimes it feels worthless, you know?
Fabian Rutter Because of the people around you?
Nina Martin Yeah.
Fabian Rutter Nina, don't think like that. The people that are making you feel bad just want satisfaction. They don't know what we had; some of the people that hurt you probably haven't even had their first kiss yet.
Nina Martin Fabian, I don't know why you keep saying that we had something when we barely had anything at all.
Fabian Rutter And I don't know why you think that the night we shared meant nothing. I'm not dumb, Nina. You were the one that sat down next to me and said hello. I brought you back to my flat and we'd had sex. There was a spark between us, and you know it. That spark may have died down a bit by now, but you know there's something there, as faint as may be.
Nina Martin Well, the people at my school don't think there's anything between us at all.
Fabian Rutter They don't know about us! I know you've said that we're not fifteen anymore, and I understand completely, but they're just being children. You shouldn't care about what they say about you.
Nina Martin Are they? We were just children when we met. We no nothing more about sex and relationships than they do. I've got nothing left to lose except memories of you, so why should I care what they think? But somehow, I do. And I let their words get to me.
Fabian Rutter Why? You're one of the strongest people I know...why would you let their useless words hurt you?
Nina Martin I don't know. Maybe it's because everything they were saying...it was true. You never came to find me, so I was forced to think you didn't care about me. You didn't tell me your name when we first met, so I was forced to believe that you never even liked me, much less loved. You were everything they said you were, and the worst part of it was that I believed every word of it. Oh, God, Fabian, I don't want to go back, I really don't.
Fabian Rutter This is your final year of school, is it not?
Nina Martin Yeah, it's my final year before I go off to college, but I don't think I can because of Emma. She won't be able to live with just her great-grandmother, plus she's getting sick and had pneumonia two years ago and I just don't know what to do with school anymore.
Fabian Rutter Nina, I don't know how to talk to you about school, since I haven't taken classes in almost two years. I don't know what it's like to go to school every single day, only to be taunted and teased by people who are the same age as you because you met someone you really liked. I've never walked in your shoes, nor will I ever, and nor can I ever imagine the pain you must feel every day. I am so sorry I put you through all of this, I really am. But you have to promise me you'll try to make it through the school year, just for me. For Emma, too.
Nina Martin Okay, Fabian, this isn't Titanic. I've made it through two school years being pregnant/a mother so far, and I think I can make it through a third.
Fabian Rutter Yeah, but you just told me how you don't want to go back.
Nina Martin I really don't.
Fabian Rutter So...I don't understand...?
Nina Martin I want to give Emma her best chance, but I can't do that if I don't have a college education, since I basically can't get any job. My grandmother is getting sicker by the day, and when she dies I doubt Eddie's dad will be able to support another teenager AND a toddler. I know he said he'd become my legal guardian if my grandmother dies...but school is stressing me out because I don't get the best grades while everyone else is making jokes about how my poor child doesn't have a father and my parents are dead and my whole life is fucked up, according to them. My teachers think I'm unreliable because they don't understand that I can't always turn homework in on time because oh, yeah, I'm a damn mother of a two year old child! Ugh.
Fabian Rutter I'm really sorry, Nina. I wish I could help you. What are you doing this weekend, though?
Nina Martin If you're asking to see me in person, I don't think I can this weekend. I just have to get used to the feeling of my new schedule and teachers, etc...but I think I can meet up with you the weekend after that.
Fabian Rutter Really?! Oh, okay. Where should we meet? I'll do whatever I can to help. I'll even tell the whole school our secret.
Nina Martin Fabian, you'd know how much I'd love that, but people wouldn't believe it.
Fabian Rutter Why wouldn't they believe it?
Nina Martin How do you think I knew you were the father? People at my school LOVE you. If they didn't love you, if my school wasn't obsessed with you, I'd have no idea that Emma's father was even alive. So I'm thankful for that but it comes with a price.
.
School had been especially hard on me this year, since I wasn't doing as well as I should be and I was busy with my daughter, but Fabian somehow always got me through. Just the idea of talking to him after school ended kept me hopeful and always made me think that surviving the six hours at school were worth it if I'd get to talk to Fabian later.
I scrolled down a little bit further, dismissing some random conversations we'd had after school one day or the days when Fabian worked his ass off in the studio. And, hey, maybe I lied; maybe it didn't just happen in one day, but I could say that we knew each other by now. I understood him; and, as I approached a rather interesting, and rather important conversation we'd had on September 18th, only two weeks after my final year of school had started.
.
Nina Martin Hey, it's me. Are you there?
Nina Martin Fabian, I really need to talk to you.
Nina Martin Are you out there? Look, I need someone to talk to. I don't know if you're there or not, but I need to talk to you.
Nina Martin Someone called me a whore in school. Do you think I'm a whore? Did I make a mistake with you in the first place? Is that what I am to you: a mistake?
Nina Martin Fabian, please answer! I don't know where you are, but I need you to answer me. I need to talk to you. Please!
Nina Martin Please, Fabian.
Nina Martin I need you right now. Please talk to me.
Nina Martin Please respond.
Nina Martin Please.
.
It wasn't like I was going to cry, but I could definitely feel some emotions in me stirring. I remembered that day very clearly; and I couldn't understand why I had gotten so emotional over it. People at my school made fun of me and called me out because I was a teenage mother all the time, and I usually brushed it to the side. Who were they to judge me when they knew nothing about me?
However, that conversation I'd had with Joy and Patricia made me feel rather bad. I knew they were two of the cruelest girls in school, Patricia especially, but their name calling of not just me, but Eddie and Mara too, probably sealed the deal. The only person I'd thought of going to for comfort was Fabian.
I hadn't seen him in person three times yet; the first time was August 7th, when we reunited, and the second time was on September 8th, the weekend after the first week of school, when he drove me to the coffee shop we'd met at and had a nice, peaceful conversation about the night we met, which, somehow, both of us, even after six months, were still reluctant to talk about.
Eddie and Mara, at the time when Patricia and Joy were out name-calling, had no idea I was in contact with Fabian. They wouldn't be able to help. Neither of them were related to Emma, even in the slightest. Eddie and I were from different sides of the United States, and Mara was from a complete different continent, for one thing. Fabian was the only person I'd thought of going to, the only person that could understand, the only one I'd want to talk to when something like this happened. And when he didn't respond, Eddie had come over and hugged me.
I knew Fabian was famous and I knew he was busy, but he was always there when I needed him. He was there the night before I went back to school, he was there the night when Eddie had a large family gathering and invited me to go since he couldn't stand going alone and having to talk about paperwork and students he didn't know (His dad was a headmaster of a large school), and Fabian was there
You trust people because they're reliable. I knew, if I was with Fabian in a race to find a Cup that supplied immortality against older, more wiser people, I'd trust him even if we standing on a Senet board and there was a chance I'd be sent down a pitfall and not see him for at least five days. I trusted him because even if time passed, he was always there.
.
Fabian Rutter Nina!
Nina, God damn, are you okay?
Nina Martin I'm fine.
Fabian Rutter No you're not. What happened?
.
After that, I had talked to him about everything: how Joy and Patricia were feeling especially cruel and called me out, how I never usually got that emotional about what people said about me but that particular day struck a cord in me. They'd called me words like 'whore' before, but I'd brushed it to the side and never let people's words affect me but somehow theirs broke through my walls and hit me hard, just like WHAM lines.
I had ranted to Fabian about school — and I don't normally rant since I've learned to hold in my feelings — but I started to rant all about the time when I was pregnant and how the names were worse then, how I never liked being called names because my idiot father always called me names and by the time I was ten, before they both died in the car accident along with my brother, I'd been fully convinced that I was a shmuck. If Eddie hadn't saved my ass in that parking lot and the shopping cart had knocked over my grandmother, I don't know where I'd be.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love spending time with both Eddie and Mara. If I didn't, well, I wouldn't be friends with them. But like I've told them before, neither of them are the father. I didn't meet Eddie at that coffee shop, I met Fabian. I didn't know what to call it — it wasn't love — but interest, perhaps? It took me a while, but I warmed up to him. I saw how caring he was, how shy, kind, and loyal he was, and soon enough I fell head over heels in love with him.
I skipped a few messages after that, since there was nothing important to glance. I saw the many quizzes on the United States I gave him, the many attempts at trying to ask me out on a date or over his house with Emma, and our final conversation, the day after he denied me in front of the entire world, only two days after the first photograph was taken. I didn't particularly want to be reminded of that time, so I scrolled down until I reached our last message: him asking me to come over for Christmas.
There was nothing left to view except my unsent message:
I know we don't talk much anymore but around 1 AM you cross my mind & I just miss you so much that my stomach ties up in knots and it actually HURTS. You won't ever come back and that's okay, but wow oh man I want you back.
.
I had no idea what to feel as I exited out of the email platform and clicked on the link that Fabian had tweeted, telling us where to go so he could reveal the truth between us.
My heart was pounding; and this time I literally thought it would pound out of my chest. How would you feel, if the father of your child was seconds away from telling the entire world that he got you pregnant at fifteen? I was fucking terrified. I was terrified as the livestream loaded, and I was terrified as his face appeared on the screen, Fabian's wonderful, kind, beautiful face with his adorable, dorky smile and his million guitars surrounding him in his bedroom.
The blind eye might not have seen it if you weren't looking out for it, but because I was a mother, I had super-sight when it came to my child. I saw Emma sitting under the table to Fabian's left, and she was playing with a loose string one one of Fabian's sixteen guitars. I doubted he noticed, because he was way too protective of his guitars and if he realized that Emma, out of all people, was playing with a loose string, well...
"Hello, world," was Fabian's first greeting, smiling at the camera. He didn't know I was watching this, since he thought I couldn't bear the thought of it, so he didn't know that I was smiling back at him.
"I guess this is it," he started, clapping his hands together. "The truth. Today is the sixth day of January, and this is the day when the truth about the two photographs are revealed."
/o~~~o/
A/N: NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I WATCHED TITANIC TODAY AND ROSE HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE CHARACTER BUT I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST FALLEN IN LOVE WITH JACK DAWSON ALL OVER AGAIN. HELP ME.
Sooo, we've finally reached the point where the truth is revealed. 9 chapters to go, now! My favorite chapter is on December 20th, so look out for that because something really big happens in Fabian and Nina's relationship and it involves two lips touching. Yuppers.
Also instead of writing chapter 26 like I should have been doing I made a thing. /watch?v=ePFxPnlnRvM. Just add a YouTube in front of the link and you're golden. I stayed up all night working on that shit, I'm so glad it's up and nothing will ever make me take it down.
Have a nice weekend!
~Lia xx