I hope to be posting a couple of times a week from now on, although I can make no promises. Apologies.
The next week was a blur. Seren's squad were training without her, the Commander personally covering her sessions, while the less-than-impressed Lieutenant was drilled for the ball. What Cullen didn't tell her, was that he was glad to keep busy, the extra training leaving less time to dwell on his lyrium withdrawal, though it often found him once he was alone waiting for Seren in the dark of his office.
She worried he was over-doing it; some nights she'd return to find him slumped on the floor, unable to stand, barely able to speak, drenched in sweat and half-delusional. He was eating less every day, Seren having to sit with him to make sure he'd finish his plate. The headaches and nightmares were getting worse, much worse. It was taking more to wake him, seemingly sinking deeper every night. But despite everything, Cullen seemed determined and she could only admire him for that.
She was exhausted, her lessons with the spy-master and ambassador combined with the sleepless nights dragging her down, though she tried not to let it show for Cullen's sake.
Josephine and Leliana had been pleased to discover she had some dancing ability and a lack of two left feet; the steps Seren's mother had taught her as a child coming back with surprising ease.
However, Seren struggled with basically everything else and she was quickly losing patience with Leliana's constant criticisms.
"Lieutenant, for the sake of the Maker please stop looking at your feet. You must walk with complete confidence."
"You have seen the height of these monstrosities right?" Seren's balance waned, and she only just managed to keep her footing.
"You must be able to walk and dance with grace."
"Dance? In these? Are you joking?" Leliana ignored her.
"Straighten your back." The spymaster placed her hand on the small of the Lieutenant's back, which Seren jolted away from, as if the touch burned. The book that had been balanced on her head fell, hitting the stone floor with a thud. Leliana sighed, clearly frustrated. "You must practise Lieutenant."
"What do you think I'm doing right now? Doing this for the good of my health?" Seren snapped.
Count to ten.
Breathe.
You can do this.
"Start again." Leliana pushed the book into Seren's chest, her tone firm. Reluctantly, she placed the volume back on her head, straightening her back as well she could and began to walk again. She made it further that time, before stumbling and hitting the floor herself.
"And again Lieutenant."
"You know what? I'm done." Seren got to her feet, ripped off the shoes and threw them across the room. "I'm tired. I'm starving. I'm done."
"Lieutenant!" Seren ignored her, walking as quickly as she could, trying not to look like she was fleeing, knowing that was exactly what she was doing. "Lieutenant come back here!"
She slammed the door behind her, escaping into the evening chill of Skyhold's courtyard.
She's going to make me regret that.
Seren sighed, slumping against the fortress wall. The courtyard was quiet, except for the rustle of leaves, a slight mountainous breeze stirring them on its travels. There was a distant murmur coming from the mess hall, which at that time of night would be full with hungry soldiers. She couldn't face that, no matter how much her stomach protested.
Cullen came out of the stables. Noticing her, he shouted, "Bad day?"
She smiled, thankful for the distraction and walked over to him. He looked better, if only slightly, as if a weight had been lifted.
"You can say that again. What were you doing in there?"
"I came to check on Lexi because you've been busy." Cullen replied as if she should have expected him to be there, as if it were part of his regular routine, and just something she had forgotten.
"You didn't have to do that." She said gratefully.
"I know. But I wanted to." Then he added. "She's a good listener."
"Someone once told me that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
"Like I said, Lexi was listening." They smiled at each other. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Yes." She sighed. "No."
"Alright." He looked lost in thought for a moment. Then he grinned. "Come with me." He took her hand before she could reply.
He led her to the training dummies beside the barracks, releasing her hand only to pick up the two wooden poles that had been leaning against the wall. He tossed one to her, which she caught with a bemused expression on her face.
"What's this for?"
"I've seen Bull and Krem using them. Now I'm not suggesting we copy them, because it usually involves one sided battery of the other. But I thought we could spar for a while."
"Why?"
"Because you look like you want to hit something. Or maybe someone specifically?" He gave her a knowing look. "And as you're not in uniform, this is my best solution."
She studied him closely, noting the bags under his eyes, the heaviness of his shoulders. And yet, Cullen was doing as much as to keep her sane as she was for him.
"What if I don't want to hit you?" Cullen took a swing, which Seren dodged at the last moment. "Oh ok then. I see how it is." She retaliated, with a mad grin, their poles clashing in the middle.
For a time, they took each other's blows, stumbling around in the gloom, until the day's light vanished completely.
Breathless and drenched in sweat, Cullen bent over with his hands on his knees, his armour feeling twice its usual weight, Seren leaning against the Tavern's back wall, her shirt sticking to her uncomfortably.
"Maker's balls, I feel old." She managed, running her hand through her damp hair.
"Join the club."
"We used to play from dawn till dusk, and still have energy left over."
"I don't know about that. You were pretty exhausting."
"Oh, you're going to get it Rutherford." She ran at him, planning on tackling him, but he braced. It felt like she'd ran straight into a brick wall. She groaned.
"Nice try Lieutenant." He smirked at her, his arms embracing her. She glared at him.
"Kill joy."
"I've changed my mind. You're still pretty exhausting." She went to elbow him, realising too late that he was in uniform, the shock vibrating straight up her arm.
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck…" She pushed away.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, two seconds." Seren rolled her shoulder, massaging her elbow. "Bashing your humerus just isn't as entertaining as the name suggests."
She rolled up her sleeve, a faint dark smudge growing under her skin. "Bugger, that's bruising."
"Maybe you should think twice before beating up your senior officer next time?" He smirked at her.
"Ha ha." She answered sardonically, narrowing her eyes and sticking her tongue out at him. "Leliana isn't going to be best pleased when she sees me all battered and bruised… Someone's going to be in trouble." She smirked at him, raising one eyebrow.
"And I'm clearly to blame?"
"Exactly. Everything's your fault, stupid."
"Oh of course. How foolish of me to forget." He smiled, then his expression turned serious. "Is she that bad?"
"Do you need to ask? She thinks I'm not trying, that I think it's a joke. I mean it is, a big fat joke, but… I'm doing my best."
"I know you are."
"Well could you tell her that?" Seren snapped, instantly regretting it. She sighed. "Have you got any more of that Maker-awful rum?"
"Is that a good idea?" She gave him one of her looks. "Forget I asked."
Back in his office, Cullen located the bottle while Seren grabbed two glasses. She perched on the edge of his desk, glancing over the reports that littered the surface, noticing a page with familiar handwriting.
"Dear Mia, I'm still alive. Your loving brother, Cullen."
Honestly, is it so difficult? We thought you were dead. Again…
"I see Mia finally tracked you down." Seren raised an eyebrow.
Cullen flushed a little. "Yes, I forgot to…"
"Bullshit."
He sighed. "I didn't know what to say to her."
"Well, what she suggested at the top of that letter would have worked."
"I know. Have you read it all?"
"No. 'Again' though?"
"I may have forgotten to write before now…" He blush grew as he began to rub the back of his neck.
"Cullen Stanton Rutherford, you terrible human being." Seren laughed, shaking her head.
If he can't even write to his sister, it's not really a surprise you didn't hear from him for over 10 years…
"She asks about you. Says you haven't written in a while either."
"Well I've apparently written more than you."
"Have you heard from your father recently?" Cullen asked, desperate to change the topic.
"I received a letter from him a few weeks ago. He's… I don't know. He's getting older and without… with me being away…"
"You should visit him."
"Oh yes, in all my spare time."
"It could be arranged. I hear the Commander is a reasonable man." He filled the two glasses Seren had placed on the desk, before handing one to her.
"I know but… Maybe. After the peace talks."
"Does he know?"
"That I'm going to be a pampered princess for the night? No. I think that would definitely send him to an early grave." Cullen winced a little, while Seren downed the contents of her glass. "I worry he'll be… disappointed I guess."
"Why?" Cullen asked surprised, confused even.
"My mother left that life behind for a reason."
"That is true, but I don't think he could ever be disappointed by you." He smiled warmly, the firelight dancing in his eyes like it did back in her office in Denerim.
A lifetime ago.
She smiled back, tracing his handsome features with her eyes, wanting more than anything to reach out and touch…
"Another?" She asked, lowering her gaze, trying to slow her racing heart, burying her emotions. He filled her glass, one hand holding the bottle, the other steadying the glass in her hand, his fingers brushing her wrist. She felt her breath catch, cursing herself silently for being so obvious. He let go, replacing the bottle on the desk.
He held his own glass up in the air. "To being a pampered princess for the night."
She laughed, clinking her glass to his, before downing the contents in one.
That night, Seren awoke to his shout as usual. She pushed back the blanket of her bed roll, and stood, her eyes still half shut. She stretched out the cricks in her back, running her hand over her face.
Here we go.
She climbed the ladder, apprehensive of the state Cullen would be in when she reached the top. He was talking, begging someone to stop, pleading with them, apologising.
"I'm sorry… please… I tried… please… don't…"
She reached his bedside, crouching in the dark, whispering softly. "Cullen. It's alright Cullen. Just wake up."
"Please… I'm so sorry… please… Seren…" Her blood ran cold, time freezing around her. There was no sound. She'd stop breathing.
He's dreaming about… me?
I'm his nightmare?
"Please Seren… don't…" He thrashed, stretching out to someone unseen, trying to stop them.
Trying to stop me.
She went dizzy, falling backwards, landing with a loud crash on the wooden floorboards. Cullen bolted upright, disorientated and confused, searching for the source of the noise. His eyes found hers in the dark.
"Seren?" Panic flooded his features. He ripped back the covers, crouching down beside her. "Seren, did I hurt you? Seren? Did I hurt you?" He demanded, searching for any signs of injury and finding none, reaching out to her, his fingers lingering but not touching.
She blinked at him. "No." She cleared her throat, speaking with greater resolve. "No, I tripped. Over a floorboard. Sorry. I'm good."
His expression became one of relief, his whole body relaxing in an instant. "I thought… Never mind. Here." He offered his hand, helping her to stand.
"Thanks. I guess I'll just…" She gestured to the ladder, her head spinning, giving him a half-hearted smile. "Night." She moved across the floor, turning only to climb down the ladder. Cullen watched her go, lowering his gaze when she turned.
Seren heard him return to bed, as she herself crawled back into her bedroll. She tried not to think about it. She didn't want to ask.
It's a one-time thing.
He's never mentioned you before.
Let it go.
Eventually she'd drifted asleep, only to dream of Cullen battling demons with her face.