Chapter Title: A minor earthquake
Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: I've tried to make both Bella and Edward flawed, complicated individuals. I'm sorry if you don't like these chapters, I know some of you won't. Obviously, I hope you do.
Last chapter: After several long moments (or several long hours?), Edward fractured the silence.
"I don't like it when you shut me out."
And just like that, our day off was over. It had been far too brief; those days always are. I knew that he was talking about the club and my "friendship" with Angela and Ben. I sighed and nodded heavily, the movement making me feel suddenly exhausted.
I sat up and took a deep breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to prepare myself while Edward got dressed. Now that I knew for certain our day off was over and we were definitely going to talk about this, I was anxious to get started as quickly as possible.
"I know, Edward. I-"
I was interrupted by my phone.
I would've been perfectly content to let it buzz impatiently until the person gave up, but Edward turned to collect it from my bedside table. He glanced at it briefly before handing it to me silently.
"It's from Jake," I said, my brow wrinkling in confusion. When did we exchange phone numbers? I vaguely remembered Kate suggesting we all get each other's numbers, but I couldn't actually remember doing it. I also had an older text from Angela I must not have heard before.
"He wants to know if I'm still alive. Angela wants to know the same thing, but she phrased it a little differently."
I tried really hard to block out the flood of memories that came rushing back from that night. I shook my head, hoping it would somehow help, and offered the phone to Edward in case he wanted to read the texts for himself. Edward and I were finally about to talk, so I decided to wait until later to respond.
He took my phone from me and quickly read the short texts. Since I was about to tell him everything anyway, there didn't seem much point in not letting him see them if he wanted to.
"I don't like you hanging out with this guy," he mumbled, placing the phone back on the table a little too forcefully. I was a bit surprised by his reaction. He looked… really irritated.
"Did you meet him? I don't remember that." This whole 'too drunk to remember' thing really sucked. It was just another way for life to make me feel inferior, like everyone else knew more than I did.
I definitely didn't remember Edward meeting Jake. What could have possibly happened between them to make Edward dislike him so much so quickly?
The only person I remembered Edward meeting was Angela. (Then again everything after that was a muddy blur, so who knows?) Stupid fucking universe. Of course I wouldn't conveniently forget that. That particular memory was burned into my skull. Another one of those god-awful stains on my mind that I'd give anything to scrub away.
I hadn't been ready for Edward to meet Angela yet, and it hadn't exactly happened the way I'd secretly wanted it to. I wanted to introduce my boyfriend to my friends like a normal person. Instead I was slumped over and drooling against the wall while my almost-potential-one-day-could-be friend actually apologized to Edward because I'd voluntarily had too much to drink. An actual apology! From one babysitter to another.
"No, I didn't meet Jake," Edward interrupted my thoughts. He put a strange emphasis on Jake's name – it almost sounded like a sneer, "But I don't need to. I know the type. Guys like him are only interested in one thing."
"If you didn't meet him, then how could you possibly know that?" I was more confused than anything else.
"You told me! You said he hit on you that night!" he huffed angrily.
"Oh… Oh God!" I cringed, letting my head fall into my hands. I didn't remember telling Edward about Jake's funny looks, but I sure as hell remembered thinking that he was maybe… I don't know… coming onto me or something.
It sounded so fucking stupid now. Completely ridiculous. "Ugh. Edward, no. It was the stupid alcohol. God, I'm never drinking again."
I shut my eyes as tightly as I could, hoping that would somehow make the memories go away. It didn't. "He was just being nice and I was being a total psycho and I misinterpreted everything. God knows what I said to him… I made a complete ass out of myself."
"Don't do that. Don't re-interpret everything now," he said, forcing me to lift my head and meet his eyes again. "If you thought that jerk was hitting on you, then I know he was, but guys like him... you can't trust them, Bella. He just wants to get inside your pants."
"I'm telling you that I overreacted. Like I always do. What you're saying is ridiculous." I was starting to get a little irritated.
Nice, Bella. It hasn't even been half an hour and you're already going back on your decision to listen to him.
However… listening to him when he knew more than I did was one thing, but how could Edward tell me who had or hadn't hit on me that night, when he wasn't even there? He didn't know Jake at all.
"No, it's not. He's a guy, and that's what guys want," he stated emphatically.
"You're a guy. It's not what you want."
"Of course it's what I want," he snapped at me, exaggerating every word as if what he was saying was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Edward, I want to talk about this and tell you everything, but you're confusing the hell out of me."
He exhaled roughly, standing up and pacing in frustration.
"Bella, of course I want to get inside your pants," he clarified, scraping his hand through his hair, "But when I get there, I'm planning on staying there, so this jerk is going to have to find his own pants," he grumbled under his breath. I wasn't sure if his words were even aimed at me anymore. They didn't even make sense.
"Bella, look," he tried again, seeming to remember that I was still in the room, "I'm telling you this as a guy. Even if you've told him you have a boyfriend, you still have to be careful around guys like that. The more I think about it, the more I don't like the idea of you hanging out with him."
"So what you're saying is… I'm not allowed to be friends with Jake?" That was a little hypocritical, wasn't it? I never asked him to stop hanging out with Alice, even though I didn't like her.
"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's what I wish I could say, but it's not what I'm saying," he muttered, talking to himself again.
I was starting to feel really weird. "Is that why you want to come with me to the club? You have absolutely no interest in astronomy. So, what? You want to keep an eye on me. You don't trust me," I stated. It didn't even sound like my voice. It sounded numb and uncertain.
"How can you think that? I know the shit with your parents doesn't help, but don't you know how much I care for you? I'd never..." I managed to choke out, my voice seeming to come to life again. The idea that I could actually cheat on Edward… it was completely nonsensical.
A part of me wanted to get mad. This was obviously about his father possibly cheating on his mother and he was transferring it all onto me.
Another part of me, however… that omnipresent voice... was quick to point out that maybe it was about me. He wouldn't feel so insecure if you told him how much he means to you more often, if you showed him more often.
I didn't know which side was right. I was starting to think that maybe this was just a part of Edward and I'd have to accept that. He'd done this before – last time he'd seemed a little too jealous about some random guy kissing me on the cheek years ago.
"Bella, I do trust you. I do. Look, I know I'm overreacting a little, but..." he sighed, stopping his pacing and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. It seemed like he was calming down.
"But what?" I asked, getting up and going to sit next to him on the floor. I stretched my pajama shirt over my bent knees, staring at it more intently than necessary.
"But you don't even believe that he hit on you now! You think he was being nice?! I know you'd never do anything intentionally… I'm not accusing you, I swear. I just think you need to be careful. Don't let him – or anyone for that matter – talk you into doing anything you don't want to do."
"So you trust me not to do anything deliberately, but you still think I'm so naïve that I'll mess everything up if you're not there with me." It was more of a statement than an accusation. It's not like he's wrong. That's exactly what you did.
"Fuck. That's not what I think."
"Not even a little?" I whispered, turning to search his eyes. I felt eerily calm, almost cold.
A very familiar charged silence hung over us, like a shirt that was just a little too tight. We just stared at each other for a long moment, listening to each other's uncertain breaths. I wasn't sure what it was – a stalemate? No. It was more like that moment – those few seconds before you decide which path you're going to take. Do you tell the whole truth, even though it's ugly? Even though you know it's not what the other person wants to hear?
Edward was always telling me that I could do it, that he believed in me… Was he going to confess now that maybe he had his doubts, just like I did?
"Okay… a little," he finally admitted. "I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but you are a little inexperienced and you've got horrible self-esteem and that makes you kind of easy to manipulate. I should know..." he broke off, turning away and tugging at his hair in frustration again. I knew he probably had a lot more that he wanted to say and I wanted him to say it. Of course he had doubts – any rational person would.
"Just say it. Say what you want to say. It's okay. I agree with you. I wanted to believe that I could handle it on my own, but you were right all along, Edward. I should've listened. You were right that I needed you there. I'm sorry. I know I can't do it without you. I was stupid to even try, but I know better now. That's why you wanted to come with me. You were just trying to help. You knew that I need you there with me."
I knew the easiest way to fix the whole Jake issue. Even though he wasn't asking me to, if Edward didn't like me hanging out with him, then I should've just promised him that I wouldn't. I wanted to. I wanted to swear to him that I'd never hang out with Jake, or any of them again if he didn't want me to, but the words caught in my throat.
You've already decided that Edward knows more than you do. Just do what he thinks is best. God knows you can't trust your own judgement, Bella.
But... But Jake was part of the group. If I couldn't hang out with him, then I'd never become close friends with Angela and Ben. I was pretty sure my drunken escapade had probably ruined my chances anyway, but I still couldn't make myself give up the possibility.
I just couldn't promise that.
Still, if he wanted to always be there when Jake was around… well, it was a moot point, but if he thought I needed him there, then I knew he was right. I was about to tell him that when he started speaking again.
"Bella," he sighed after a long pause, "This is all coming out wrong. The reason I wanted to come with you is that all of this is a really big deal for you and I don't want to miss it."
He paused a moment, like what he was about to say next was difficult.
"Okay, I won't lie… that's one reason," he began again, correcting himself. "It's not the only reason, but I swear it's the main reason," he mumbled, breaking away from my gaze and fidgeting with his fingers uncomfortably.
"Okay, so, I'm also a little… jealous… and a lot worried that something bad will happen and… I got kind of used to having you all to myself and now you've got all these new people in your life. There are so many variables now…" He broke off, exhaled shakily and turned to meet my eyes again.
"But I don't think that you'll mess everything up if I'm not there. I mean, I do think that I can help you stay on track and avoid a few obvious blunders. I think I can make the transition a lot easier for you in the short-run. But in the long-run… I know you'll figure it out and be just fine." He turned away from me again, staring at the wall instead. "I think the scariest part is that I know that you don't need me."
I wanted to disagree about that last part, but I kept quiet. I wanted him to just get it all out.
"A part of me knows that I should've tried to stay out of it. I've never actually invited you to meet any of my friends... only Mike… You've never met Eric. Or Tyler. Or Paul," he mumbled almost guiltily.
"So what? You knew that I wasn't ready to meet them. You were just protecting me," I told him, shifting closer to him and hugging one of his arms. I wanted him to get all of this stuff out, because I was hoping it would make him feel better, not worse.
"Yeah, but I decided it for you. I should've asked you if you wanted to meet them so we could decide together, but I didn't. I baby you too much. You tried to tell me that I was helping you too much, but I didn't listen. I kept pushing. I even… I even tried to guilt you into letting me go with you because I thought it was for the best. I tried to manipulate you like I did my mother." He shook his head, the next words spilling out in a rush. "I thought it was okay because I could help you. I didn't realize how you felt about it until that night."
"Wait - what? So those times when you sounded sad that I didn't invite you – you were faking?" I asked uncertainly. It wasn't an accusation. I was just trying to understand what he was telling me.
If he really had been faking the whole time…
It didn't make me feel mad, just scared. As much as I appreciated, and even needed, everything he did for me, on some level I was also a little scared of how much experience he had dealing with people. I'd always suspected the pet names and jokes had an ulterior motive behind them. Did he have more tricks that I didn't know about? Other ways of getting me to calm down or agree with him? He was so good with people… and he knew me so well… it was a little scary every time I remembered just how much power he had over me.
"No, not faking. Maybe just exaggerating a tiny bit..." he mumbled, still not meeting my eyes. "I thought I could help and… we weren't talking and I didn't know what was going on…" His guilty tone suddenly turned defensive. "And you're not the only one who's scared, you know. I'm scared too."
"Of what?" I asked. This conversation was such a roller coaster, emotion after emotion being thrown at me. We were back to confusion now. What could Edward, of all people, be scared of?
He looked so uncomfortable that I wanted to take the question back. He wasn't looking at me, and just fidgeted with his shirt. He seemed so… small. I wondered if that was how I looked when I was struggling to get something out. I rubbed his arm with my hand, trying to be as patient with him as he always was with me.
He seemed so unbreakable most of the time. This was not one of those times.
"Losing you, okay?" he finally mumbled, still staring at the wall, his voice trembling a little. "I don't know why you think it's just you, because it's not."
"Edward," I sighed, hugging his arm tighter and trying to get him to look at me again. He was afraid of losing me? He definitely had that the wrong way around. "That's not going to happen. How could that possibly happen?"
"You'd be surprised how many different possibilities I've come up with. You're going to realize one day that you have options and that you don't need me and then… I don't know what will happen then," he whispered. He sounded a little embarrassed, but at least he finally met my eyes.
I shifted closer and he pulled me towards him until I was sitting sideways on his lap, one arm around his neck, the other wandering his side in what I hoped was a reassuring manner.
"Then I'd still care for you just as much as I do now," I told him, trying to make my voice as strong as possible and kissing the corner of his frown. "I'll be here until you get sick of me, I promise."
He turned and kissed me back then – a slow, needy kiss that we finally had to break when we both ran out of air.
"I don't know how I turned into the clingy girl in this relationship," he joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.
I offered a lame joke in return that I'd heard on a TV show about whether that made us lesbians, but I knew Edward better than that. The jokes were a natural defense for him and we'd already decided that neither of us was allowed to hide today. We still had a lot of serious ground to cover. However, it felt like we both needed a short time-out, so I let us stay huddled together in the corner of my room in comfortable, but slightly tense, quiet.
"What did you mean when you said that I think I'm the only one who's scared of losing you?" I asked Edward after a few long moments.
"You said something that night before you passed out. You don't remember, do you?"
"No. I'm sorry – the inside of my head is a complete mess right now. There's fragments of memories, then dark patches. It feels like everything's in the wrong order. Did I mention that I'm never drinking again?"
"Been there," he chuckled. "You were a funny drunk though," he said, smiling at me and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, before abruptly turning serious again. "Well, at least before you got upset. That wasn't funny."
He sighed and traced my bottom lip with his thumb. "Do you want me to tell you what you said? I told myself I wouldn't bring it up, but I'm through deciding things for you. No more, I promise. You don't need me to baby you. I'm just going to do what I want now and let the chips fall where they may. It's your decision. Do you want to know what you said?"
"I do, but not right now. I want to tell you something first. It's my turn."
I didn't like the idea of not knowing, but it sounded bad and I wanted to tell him something good first.
Deep breath, Bella. He had told me what was going on in his head and it was my turn now.
"I think this is my fault. Okay, partly my fault," I corrected when he threw me a pointed glance. "I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me."
I tried to get up, but Edward's arms tightened around me.
"Just give me a moment; I want to get this right." He let me up so I could take my turn pacing, trying to figure out the best way to word it all.
"Meeting Angela and joining that club has changed a lot of things for me, but it hasn't changed the way I feel about you," I began slowly, deliberately.
"I'm just going to start at the beginning, okay? Hopefully some of this will make sense," I thought aloud. There were so many reasons that it was difficult to untangle them all, but I wanted to tell him everything, every reason I had.
"Joining that club… at first it was because of Alice. It seems like you really want us to be friends, but I can't be myself around her. I thought that maybe if I had other friends, it would be enough. I'd still be someone who sort of had a life of her own, someone with friends, the type of girl you deserve, even though I couldn't make it work with Alice.
"I didn't want you to come because I didn't want you to have to do it all for me. I feel like I take too much from you. I didn't want you to have to do all the work, like you always do. I thought you'd be… I don't know… proud if I finally did something on my own," I mumbled, my eyes starting to fill with tears.
"And I wanted to actually prove to myself that I could do it on my own," I continued, blinking away the tears furiously and trying to keep my voice steady, "But it was also kind of about… keeping you at a distance. I know that hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you, I swear."
A part of me hadn't even really believed that I could hurt him, that I actually had that kind of power over someone else.
"I'm really sorry that I hurt you. You were just… everywhere, ingrained in every part of my life. And when you weren't there, it just felt like everything fell apart without you and that was really scary, because it makes no sense for you to stay with me."
"Bella-" he began in a familiar tone.
"Edward, please. Just let me get this out while I still can. Then I'll answer whatever questions you want me to answer."
"Okay," he agreed a little reluctantly.
I took another deep breath and continued. "It felt like I had everything to lose and I don't know… I guess I panicked and tried to do some damage control or something. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," I repeated. I would've spent the entire day apologising if he wanted me to, but I tried to finish what I'd started. He deserved as full an explanation as I could give him.
"Then, the more time I spent with Angela, the more my reasons changed. I started to enjoy it. I really like Angela. I think down the road somewhere we could actually be friends. Real friends," I said, continuing to pace around my room and stare at my floor.
"And I really want that now. I know it's selfish, but I want it. It's not that I don't love spending time with you, because I do, but I want it all now – I want my boyfriend, I want friends, I want it all. Just for me."
When I finally said it out loud, I realized that was the reason I couldn't make myself promise Edward I'd never hang out with any of them again. It wasn't just about him anymore. I wanted it for myself now too.
"That's great, Bella. You should want to do it for yourself. I get that, I do. I could never give up my friends. What I don't understand is…" He pulled me down to sit next to him again, "Don't you want me to be a part of it all? Do you think I'm going to steal your friends away from you?"
"No, of course I don't think that, but I don't know if they're actually my friends yet! It hasn't been that long and they've only just started inviting me to do stuff unrelated to the club. I want you to meet them – I do, I really do. They all know about you.
I just want to be sure that we're friends first, that I actually did it on my own. If you meet them before we're actually friends… well then you'll do the hard work for me, and I'll never know if they actually like me for me, or if they're just putting up with me so they can hang out with you. We both know the only reason Alice tried so hard is because I'm your girlfriend."
He ran his fingers up and down my arm and I crawled back into his lap.
"The club changed me a lot, but none of it has changed the way I feel about you. I really want to tell you. I want you to know…" I stuttered, fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't I just tell him? Why did I suddenly want to cry like a freaking baby?
"It's just so... This thing between us is so new and it's so intense now. It all feels so impossible sometimes."
"I know, Bella. I'm scared too. This whole thing kind of blindsided me," he whispered and I nodded in agreement.
Neither of us was looking at the other. We both stayed deliberately still, our bodies rigid. It even felt like we were both trying to breathe as quietly as possible.
It was just so awkward.
I'd tried to stop myself from feeling it. Tried and failed. I didn't know if I could actually say it. He'd never said it. How would he react? Don't some guys run when they hear the "L" word?
Saying it first would put me in such a vulnerable position… Then again, I was already in a vulnerable position, just because I felt it. It was too late for self-defense. There was just no going back, and if Edward needed to hear me say it…
I guess if the choice is between Edward feeling scared, or me feeling scared… well, of course I'd choose the latter.
I swallowed loudly and licked my lips.
"I – I love you," I finally mumbled to his shirt. It was so quiet I wasn't sure whether he even heard it.
A part of me truly thought the world would end when I finally said it out loud. At least a minor earthquake or something.
But nothing quite so dramatic happened. The only change was that he suddenly turned to look at me, his eyes wide and so… alive. I also had an overwhelming urge to kiss him in weird places. I kissed his knuckles, his wrist, his elbow, his hair, shoving words out as quickly as I could. "So, so much," I mumbled after I kissed his earlobe. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to stop talking. And if I was gonna put myself through hell, I may as well do it thoroughly.
"You're the best possible friend I could imagine. You're so good. You give everybody the benefit of the doubt. You're funny and smart and you understand me and put up with all my crap. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I should've tried to talk to you, to explain myself. I just needed some more time and I thought that, in the long-run, it would be better for both of us. You must be sick of babysitting me by now. I know you must want someone who has a life, someone normal, and I really want to be that someone for you-"
"Bella," he sighed, cutting off my rambling. "You know… I really don't know what I want. I mean I do, but I can't label it. I had this whole list of things I thought I was supposed to be looking for, before I met you. I'm not gonna lie. With those other girls… it was pretty good sometimes, and in some ways it was much easier, but it was never… I don't know…" He gestured uncertainly and then let his hand fall limply back to his side again, as if he'd hoped that he could pluck the right word out of thin air, but was ultimately disappointed.
"Then I met you and you… you don't fit the list," he told me, lifting my chin until our eyes met. Not satisfying his list of criteria seemed like a bad thing, but he said it like it was a compliment and he had this ridiculous smile on his face.
"You don't fit the list and you drive me crazy sometimes, but this works for me. This feels right," he whispered, tracing some non-existent pattern on my cheek. "I don't know how or why, and I really don't care. It works for me and I think it works for you. I don't give a fuck about anything else."
He pulled me towards him and then… Well, I wasn't sure what being kissed senseless felt like, but if this wasn't it, then it was pretty damn close.
"I love you too, by the way," he panted when we finally broke apart. I nodded and pulled his head down so I could kiss his forehead. It just felt like the right thing to do.
I pressed my cheek against his, hugging him as tightly as I could.
Somewhere deep down there was a quiet voice telling me I had already known that.
I hoped, despite everything, some part of him had already known how I felt too.
Still, it felt good to say it out loud, and it felt even better to hear it. I suppose it always does.
We still had a lot to work out, but at least it was all out in the open now. There were still a lot of fears pushing at the edges of our moment, both mine and Edward's, but we left them at the edges. They could wait.
A/N: This chapter and the next chapter are two parts of the same conversation. They should hopefully make more sense when read together. Chapter 26 should already be posted – please let me know if something has gone wrong and it isn't up. Thank you.