That's Why I'm Here
By LizD
Written September 2011
Chapter Twenty-five
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Brennan tried to sleep but each time she closed her eyes she was back in the trunk, back in the car, back underground - out of control, helpless, dependent. She rationally talked away her fear. Angel was dead. The gravedigger was dead. She was safe. Booth was safe. Hodgins and Carson were safe. The more she rationalized reasons not to be afraid, the more dread she felt. There was something looming just out of sight. Something she didn't want to see, didn't want to recognize, didn't want to know. This something or someone was just beyond her periphery that would impact everything irrevocably and forever. She wasn't ready for it.
Her life was changing, changing fast - too fast. This thing with Booth turned on a dime and was now moving faster than a freight train – metaphorically speaking. She had thought about being with him for so long that she never considered what would happen after. She had almost convinced herself it would never happen, but it did. He seemed happy. He seemed OK with the changes. He wasn't pushing for anything except more time with her; but something was pushing her. She couldn't help the feeling that she was being pushed fasted, farther and harder than she wanted to go and there was no stopping it.
She got out of bed. She couldn't stay there. She wanted to go to the lab – to bury herself in work, but she didn't want to have to deal with the people. She couldn't stay in the hospital. She would go home to her own space safe and secure. There was no reason she needed to stay. She checked the closet for her clothes, only her jeans and shoes were there. They had cut her shirt away. She didn't care. She would leave the hospital anyway.
"Where do you think you're going?" Angela asked from the doorway as she caught Brennan trying to pull on her jeans with one hand. "They haven't released you."
"I need to go home, Angela," she stated but it was partially a plea for help.
"Sweetie," Angela started to scold until she saw the look on Brennan's face. "Ok." She pulled off the cardigan she was wearing and helped Brennan into it. It was no fashion statement but she could get home without drawing attention to herself. Angela made a mental note to call Booth because she knew Brennan wouldn't. Booth would blow a gasket if he came back to the hospital and found her gone.
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Booth and Carson entered the bar. It was a pool hall actually. Booth felt no urge to play.
"Hey Booth … you still got it?" Carson asked nodding to the table.
Booth looked over at the table. "No … no, I don't." He nodded for them to take a seat at the bar. "Truth be told, Hank, I quit." Booth popped a few peanuts into his mouth. "Had to. Taking over my life."
"Really?"
"Really." Booth raised two fingers to the bartender indicating he wanted two beers. "Beer OK with you?"
"Yeah," Carson said. "For now."
The bartender placed the bottles down in front of them and walked away. The clicked the glass and drank. "So," Booth said after a moment. "What the hell happened?"
Carson paused. He knew that Booth's reaction in front of Brennan was not going to be all, so here it was. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly and then told Booth everything that happened in the minutest detail. Booth listened, asked a few questions but not many. When he was done Carson wait for Booth to say something – or hit him.
"Ok," he said. "Your report should read just like that."
"My report?"
"Yes." He drained his beer.
"This wasn't about what I told the Bureau, Booth," he exclaimed. "Or what I put in my report."
"No, it wasn't." Booth ordered two more beers. "One more thing. Don't ever take Bones out into the field again, got it?" He tried to say it cheerfully, but the intent was clear. He was pissed.
"Message received."
"It needs to be."
"I got it."
"She's more than my partner, Carson."
"I get it, Booth."
"I hope you do, because when Sweets asks you what happened, I don't want you varying from what you just said."
"What does Sweets have to do with this?"
"He's going to try to break us up … me and Bones – professionally. That's why he had you transferred in."
"I see."
"I don't care if you are added to the mix … frankly, I can see where you would be a lot of help." He shot him a look to let Carson know he was serious. "But Bones and I are not negotiable. Sweets doesn't think so and I don't want anyone helping him for the issue with the suits upstairs."
"I get it."
"Good." Booth rubbed his hand through his hair. "Thanks," he said almost under his breath.
"Don't thank me, Booth. I never should have let it happen."
"No, you shouldn't have," he nearly shouted. "But I'm glad you were with her."
"She's a hell of a woman," Carson said. "Direct."
Booth laughed. "Ya think?" They both laughed together.
"That's different in a woman," Carson said. "In my experience … which hasn't been -." He stopped himself.
"Hasn't been what?" Booth asked.
"I've been off the market for a while."
"Since Claudia and you broke up? So there is another woman. I thought for sure that's what broke you two up. But that was a long time ago. You still with the same woman?"
Carson bit his tongue. He was going to evade or obfuscate but decided that he needed to come clean. It couldn't come out later any better than it could come out now; and later would be harder to explain after the lies. Brennan knew, how long before she told Booth in some harmless way. "Brennan is pretty observant," he said. "Very observant."
"You have no idea," Booth said. "And she thinks a lot too … too much sometimes."
Carson had didn't know how to start the conversation. "How about a shot, huh?"
"Sure, you're buying."
"I am?"
"You bet."
"Right, I guess I am." He ordered two shots of Jack Daniels and suggested that the bartender not take the bottle too far away. He decided that the band-aid approach was the best – fast and clean. "Booth, Claudia and I split up over infidelity – true. But it wasn't another woman, it was another man."
"Oh shit, Hank. Sorry. That sucks. So what is Claudia so pissed off about if she cheated on you?"
"No, Booth. It wasn't Claudia who cheated." Carson waited as Booth processed the information.
A puzzled look crossed Booth's face. "Oh? … Oh. … OH!" He looked away quickly and then looked back. "Are you telling me …? You aren't suggesting that … I mean … What the hell, Hank? Are you gay?"
Carson nodded. "I am."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
Booth waved for another shot and downed it quickly. "Well, ya know it makes sense now."
"What makes sense?"
"Well, after that weekend in Philly I ran into the Sabitino sisters."
"You're kidding."
"No … not quite as pretty sober, I'll give you that. But Shelly, or Shelia or Sharon … whatever her name was said that you didn't close the deal with her." Booth almost laughed. "Heard that from quite a few of your women."
"Yeah, well … was still in denial at that point, I guess."
Booth turned to face him. "So … am I supposed to say something?"
"Like what?"
"Don't know … never been on this side of a conversation like this before."
"Ever been on the other side?"
Booth laughed. "No … no can't say that I ever have nor do I ever expect to be." He got curious. "Is this why Claudia and Rita are so pissed at you?"
"Yeah." Carson looked down. "But Rita called me the other day, so who knows, she might be coming around."
"Shit … sorry. But teenagers … you know … they're hard."
"Yeah, well … the things you deal with." He ordered two more shots. "Do you ... are you OK with this?"
Booth shrugged. "Yeah, sure … I mean, you aren't going to hit on me or anything are you?"
"No … not likely."
"Why not? What's wrong with me?" He looked into the bar mirror and futzed with his hair. "Not pretty enough for you?"
Carson smiled grateful that Booth could joke with him. "Just not my type."
"Right. Your TYPE! Whole new type." He shook his head. "Doesn't matter … I'm taken."
"Me too," he said. "Ten years next month."
"Really … wow … longer than you were with Claudia."
Carson nodded. Carson raised his glass. "Here's to our S.O.s."
Booth drank the shot and took a hit off his beer.
"Brennan knows," Carson said. "She saw me with Jeffery down at the Marina."
"She didn't say anything to me." Booth shrugged. "But she wouldn't. That's not her way." Booth smiled thinking about Brennan. He was happy – in some weird way. "So tell me about this guy."
Carson was confused. "You really want to know?"
"Hey, you're gonna be my partner too. It will come up."
Carson relaxed. "Ok."
"Don't go all touchy feely on me … just, you know … the guy stuff … guy guys not gay guys … well, you know what I mean." He gestured for another shot. "This might be harder than I thought."
"I know what you mean. Don't worry; I won't discuss our sex life."
Booth winced. "Oh man … yeah, no. None of that. How about you start with his name and what he does for a living and we'll see where it goes."
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Angela opened the door to Brennan's apartment and let Brennan enter in front of her. "Why don't you go get changed, Sweetie and I'll make us some tea."
"You don't have to stay, Ange," Brennan said.
"I'm not going anywhere," Angela stated in her practice maternal way. "They were not happy that you were leaving the hospital and I promised that I would stay with you."
"I don't have a concussion."
"With that thick head of yours? Of course not. Go. Change. Tea. Don't lie down." Angela gave her a look that said she was immovable. "Bren, please. Just do what you are supposed to do."
Brennan nodded. She really wanted to be alone. Angela was going to have a hundred questions and Brennan didn't have any answers.
Brennan stood for a long time in the bathroom just looking at herself in the mirror. Nothing looked different but she was sure something had changed. She dressed slowly and only came out when she heard the tea kettle whistle.
"Was just about to send a search party for you, Sweetie," Angela said cheerfully. "Come, sit down."
Brennan did as she was instructed and tried to taste the tea. It was too hot and bitter. "Can I have something stronger?" she asked.
"No ... no alcohol. Water. Juice. Tea. Drugs."
"Drugs," Brennan chose. She changed her mind. "Never mind. Just the tea."
"So, tell me, Sweetie, are you OK?"
"Yes."
"Sweetie?"
Brennan looked away. "Scott Angle put us in the trunk," she said softly.
Angela's mind – fast as a whip – knew exactly where Brennan was going with that. "That must have been very hard."
"Carson did all he could to help me." She was trying to change the subject.
"He seems like a good guy," Angela offered though she didn't want to talk about Carson.
"Booth is out with him now."
"Sweetie, what's going on?"
"Everything can be gone in a moment," Brennan blurted out.
"Yes it can."
"When you least expect it."
"That is also true."
Brennan turned to Angela and struggled with herself about asking the next question, her need to know won out. "How can you bring a baby into the world when you have no control over what will happen from one moment to the next? Your child could be blind, Angela. How difficult that would be to live in the world with that kind of handicap."
Angela was well aware of the possibility of the blindness and how hard it would be for her child. "I'm scared about that too, Bren. And that will play a role in whether or not we have a second child – or how we have a second child. Would we have taken this chance if we had known before?" She thought for a long moment. "I don't know. I don't know what we would have done. But I know I am going to love this baby - this little life we are creating whether he can see me or not. And I am going to do everything in my power to give this little guy all that he needs to be happy. Jack is already practicing the piano and I have gotten into sculpture - just in case. There are a lot of ways to experience the world, Bren. You know that."
"And that doesn't ..."
"Yeah, it scares me, but it doesn't control me. That's life, sweetie." Angela shifted her position on the couch which wasn't easy. "Life isn't random chaos. You think you way through and you do the things you can to keep yourself and the people you love safe and happy and you deal with the rest as it happens - day by day."
"And you can plan a future like that? Not knowing what will happen? Knowing that it can all be taken away from you in a second?"
"That's how it's done. Yes, things happen, but sometimes those things are great – sometimes not so great, I'll grant you. But sometimes things are really, really great. Sometimes great things come out of really bad stuff."
"Like me and Booth."
"You and Booth would have found your way to each other sooner or later, Vincent's death may have forced the door open, but you were both standing their just waiting for the other to knock. Don't kid yourself, sweetie. You and Booth are real and you two are solid. You two will weather any storm - metaphorically speaking."
"How can you say that? Four months ago he was so much in love with Hannah that he asked her to marry him. That is big for Booth, he wouldn't have done that lightly. And when she rejected him he told me he wanted nothing from me other than our working partnership."
"Look, I don't know what Booth was thinking then. I'm not sure Booth does either. But I don't believe he ever stopped loving you. Maybe he stopped believing that it could happen for the two of you – you had a hand it that, you know. But he never stopped loving you."
"Booth says that you can love a lot of people in the world, but there is only one you love best."
"And you are wondering if you are his best?"
"I don't know. I don't know if I want to be. That is a lot of pressure."
"I'm going to give you some advice … even if you aren't asking for it. Stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about stuff you can't control. You love Booth. He loves you. Just be together. Enjoy each other. If something comes tomorrow that is great – embrace it. If something comes tomorrow that is not great – you and Booth will work it through."
"What if we can't?"
"Of course you can. You and Booth have a history of getting through stuff. Just look at you know – you survived Desert Barbie."
"I could have died today, Angela."
"I know." She took Brennan's hand. "Believe me, I know."
"Booth could lose his job over this."
"You can't think like that, sweetie." She recanted a bit. "You can't let it control you and the decisions you make."
"I don't want to die. Booth would -" she stopped herself.
"That's good. There was a time when you never considered that it could happen to you or what impact it would have on the people you left behind."
"I've changed."
"You have." She smiled brightly. "That's a good thing."
Brennan just nodded not sure if it was good or not.
"What else is going on?"
Brennan thought for a long moment wondering if she knew what was really bothering her. It was still looming there just out of sight. Just out of the periphery. Then the words of the tech rang loudly in her ears. Are you pregnant? There was a very real possibility that she was. She hated thinking that way. She was an adult woman who took charge of her life, not some dumb teenager who knew nothing about the world. How could she have let herself get caught like that – if indeed there was anything to catch? "Nothing, it's just that … I was really scared today."
"Of course you were."
"No, Angela. You don't understand. I have been in dangerous situations before. I've been to Guatemala. I have faced down guerillas. I have killed before and I have been scared before, but I have never been this scared."
"You kept your head. You got away from the bad guy, enough for Booth to take him out."
"Booth doesn't like to kill people."
Angela laughed. "Good to know."
Brennan wanted to end the conversation, she wasn't making herself understood. She didn't understand herself. "How are you?" she asked in almost whiplash form.
"I'm good ... you know ... big as a house and just dying to get this kid out of me, but I'm OK."
"Only two weeks left."
"If I'm on time ... could be any day now. Jack is so excited he could burst. He's probably pacing around out front right now. He's never more than ten feet from me."
Brennan looked toward the door. "Dr. Hodgins is here? What is he doing outside?"
"Being a good guy." She smiled brightly thinking about what a really great guy Jack Hodgins was.
"Oh Angela, you shouldn't be here with me. You should be with your husband."
"I'm not leaving you alone, besides," she grinned. "Was going to send Jack for some Thai. You hungry?"
A slow smile spread across Brennan's face. "I could eat. Only if Dr. Hodgins joins us and we don't talk about me or what happened today. I want to hear about you and your baby."
"Your niece of nephew ... of the heart."
"Yes ... I am looking forward to being a pseudo-aunt."
"First things first ... FOOD! I'm starving."
"You know that it will be harder to lose the weight you have gained during your pregnancy."
"Yeah, I know ... thanks, Bren. Always the voice of reason."
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The room was dark. Brennan was not sleeping but she was lying very still and had her eyes closed. She didn't hear the door open, but she felt his weight on the bed as he climbed in behind her on top of the covers and wrapped her up in his arms paying special care to her shoulder. He smelled like whiskey, beer and fried food. He nuzzled her neck with his day old beard.
"You weren't supposed to leave the hospital," he whispered.
"You didn't drive home, did you?" she asked.
"I'm not drunk," he defended. "But I didn't drive." He kissed behind her earlobe. "You weren't supposed to leave the hospital."
"I didn't need to stay there."
"That's not what the doctor said."
"I know my body, Booth. I'm fine."
"I know your body too, and I want to keep it healthy."
"I'm here now." She didn't want to have to justify her reasons for leaving the hospital.
"Yes, you are."
"Did you send Angela and Dr. Hodgins home?"
"Yes, and it's a very good thing she called me. Why didn't you?"
"Thought you and Henry needed some time."
"So he could tell me he's gay?"
"Do you mind?"
"Not really … a little weird considering … not sure I know what to talk to him about anymore, but I'll figure it out."
She rolled over in his arms and faced him. "He seems like a good man."
"He's a good agent … in spite of the fact that he nearly got you killed."
"Booth -."
"It's over," he cut her off. "No more out in the field without me, OK?"
"Booth -."
"OK?"
"OK."
He pulled her close. "Could have lost you today." His eyes watered with unshed tears.
"I'm fine." She snuggled into his embrace grateful to be in his arms and safe. She couldn't tell him how scared she really was. It would make him feel helpless and responsible; she didn't want to add to his burden. "I don't want to have sex tonight."
He almost laughed. "Oh no?" Sex was the furthest thing from his mind - not exactly the furthest but he was content just to hold her.
"So if you don't want to stay here."
"Do you want me to go?"
"No."
"Bones, this isn't just about sex. You understand that right? That we are working toward something."
"What? What are we working toward?"
"A future ... you know ... love and happiness in life ... fate. And before you say that you don't believe in fate, look where you are. Did you think nine years ago that you would wind up right here, right now with me?"
"No, but that does not prove that fate exists."
"You saying I made a lucky guess?"
"Of course not."
"We took a twisted course to get here ... but don't for one minute think that it was about sex - just sex. You knew that ... you knew that and that's why you turned me down that night after you suggested that we ... you know."
"I told you that was the tequila."
"No, it wasn't. You kissed me and you felt it too ... you knew that we were not just some roll in the hay."
"I don't understand."
"Admit it."
"Admit what?"
"When you kissed me - way back when - when you kissed me you knew that we had a future."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Why did you change your mind?"
"I told you ..."
"It wasn't the tequila. What was it?"
She thought for a moment and decided that true confession was the best way to go. "It was because you told me about your gambling."
"You didn't want to get hooked up with a degenerate gambler?"
"No, I didn't care about that. It was the reason you told me."
Booth thought for a moment. "I don't remember."
"You said that you thought that we were leading somewhere."
"Was I wrong?"
"I wasn't looking for a relationship, Booth. I had been with men who wanted a relationship and a future and all it led to was trouble. Fights and arguments and them saying really unkind things about the type of person I am."
"You were - the type of person you were. You're different now."
"The only thing I know for sure that is different now is that I want to try ... but that still doesn't prove your fate theory."
"PoTAto, Potato."
"I don't know what that means."
"Doesn't matter."
"You think you were right? You think that you knew that we were destined to be together."
"Yes. I knew. All seeing Seeley Booth."
"That doesn't explain your actions of the past year and a half. If you believed in fate then why -."
"Don't!" He stopped her. "Don't say it. Don't go there. If I grant you your fate argument can we move on from this? It wasn't fate ... it was just a wish. My wish and look at us." He kissed her. "I got my wish."
She was quite for a moment. "I did too."
He pulled her close. "Good."
"What date did you write down?" she asked after a moment.
"Date? What are you talking about?"
"That night of the blizzard ... what date did you write down?"
He smiled. "What date did you write down?"
"I asked you first."
"I don't remember."
"Yes, you do."
"Does it matter now?"
"No, but ... was it early or late?"
He thought for a long moment. "Early ... but only by a little bit." He kissed the top of her head. "I cheated a little. I didn't write down a date some much as a time."
"A time of day?"
"Not really ... an event."
"What was the event?"
He considered. "No, you'll get mad at me."
"What? No, I won't."
"You will."
"I promise I won't."
"You can't make the kind of promise."
"I can't ... but tell me anyway."
He really didn't want to say. "When you kissed me."
"What? That is not an event."
"It was to me," he grinned.
"But you kissed me first."
"Like I said, I cheated a little." He got serious. "I wouldn't have chosen all the events of the day we first slept together, but in hindsight I was ready for you the night of the blizzard. If you had kissed me that night, everything would have clicked into place."
"I wanted to."
"What? Kiss me?"
"Yes ... that night and several others."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell me."
"What? You want to know all of the times?"
"How many are we talking about?"
Brennan thought for a moment. "A few ... quite a few."
"More than a handful?"
"How can it be a handful?"
"It just can." He leaned into her. "Do you want to kiss me right now?"
"Yes." She kissed him quickly.
"How about now?"
She smiled and kissed him again.
"And now?" he asked.
"This could go on all night."
"I'm hoping for longer than that … a lot longer … how about now?"