-:-
Chapter 25
Dive
"Have you heard one thing that I've said?"
-:-
She was a queen
Lost within a dream
Misconceived that he was fit to reign
Lies take victims
Separate them at the seams
Cause them to fall apart
Then move along to better things now
She wants to fall in love again
Don't you know that he
Is satisfied to own her.
"Broken Like An Angel" - Crossfade
-:-
"... And then the aliens came and invaded the city! Big, blue, bug-eyed aliens with pink bowties around their necks! They flew into town in spaceships that looked like frogs."
"What? Frogs? Really, Seifie?"
"Absolutely! If you'd honk the horn of the spaceship, it would quack! Like this: quack, quack! Quaaaaack!"
"Seifie! Frogs don't quack... they ribbit! Like this... rrribbit!"
The brunette male riding in the passenger seat of Seifer Almasy's red pick-up truck let out an abrupt snort of laughter. With storm blue eyes glittering in amusement, he swiped a glance at his little sister that was wedged in between him and Seifer on her booster seat. She was giggling as they were riding down the road and the brawny blond next to her was telling her animated stories of aliens attacking Balamb from outer space - sound effects included.
"Oh, they ribbit, huh? Are you sure?" Seifer asked, chuckling. He threw Squall a quick, intense gaze over the girl's head, grinning contently when he saw that the brunette was looking back at him.
Ellone nodded fiercely, and her little legs were flailing on the booster seat as she tried to imitate a jumping frog. "Yes, they do!" she exclaimed stubbornly. "They ribbit! And ducks quack! Like this, okay? Quack! Quack, quack!"
"Yeah, quack, quack, Seifer..." Squall murmured softly, a sarcastic undertone to his low, rasp voice. When Ellone wasn't looking in his direction, he quickly flipped Seifer the bird, leering playfully. "Quack, quack."
"Well, aren't you two just a critical bunch," Seifer laughed, regarding the pair with a sideways glance, faking hurt. Ellone seemed to be having a blast in their company, and even Squall looked uncharacteristically relaxed at the girl's side with just a hint of a wry smirk flickering on his face.
They had left Ward's Diner about fifteen minutes ago and headed for Perkins Park, which was located near Squall's and Ellone's home; the very same park where Seifer had found Squall on that fateful night not too long ago, his wrists cut up and bleeding, his soul somewhere between cracked and broken on the top floor of that jungle gym. For an abrupt moment, that memory carved itself through Seifer's mind like a knife, and the bright grin on his lips slipped as he remembered the darkness and anguish of that night.
He almost couldn't believe that the calm, stoic brunette male to his right was the same one who had clung to his own life by merely a thread that day, hidden in the shadows amongst his own misery, never expecting nor wanting to be found.
'... But I found you. And I'll be damned before I'm just going to let you go. You deserve someone who'll be there for you, no matter how dark it gets around you, and no matter how much you just wanna put an end to it all. I'll be that someone. I don't care what it takes.'
Seifer shook his head, goose bumps prickling on his forearms as he changed his focus to the road in front of them. Ellone was giggling by his side, playing with the Barbie doll that her mother had bought for her right before their lunch at Ward's Diner. They had spent over two hours at the brunette's workplace, talking, laughing and having an overall hell of a time. Seifer could hardly even remember what he ate, but he remembered staring at Squall throughout the entire meal, amazed by how much his friend perked up when he was around his family. When Ell had eventually asked Squall to take her to the playground at the park, Seifer had offered to go with them, and after some initial reluctance (and a bit of coaxing from his mother's end) Squall had agreed to leave with Ellone and Seifer near the end of his shift.
So here they were, riding in Seifer's pick-up truck, Ellone on her booster seat that they had taken from Raine's van, and Squall by her side in the passenger seat. It had gotten colder outside; Ell was wearing a fluffy pink coat, and Squall had put on a grey hooded zip up sweater and his black biker jacket. Even Seifer had bothered to wear a light brown, fashionably scuffed up looking leather jacket of his own, and he enjoyed the fact that Ell had snuggled against him more than once to tell him how soft it was.
Even now, she was leaning against him, tugging on his coat pocket, trying to fit her new Barbie doll inside.
'She's a lot cuddlier than her older brother, that's for sure.'
Squall was looking out the window, watching the scenery as usual, but he would glance over occasionally to monitor his sister's doings. He admired Seifer's patience and sweetness towards his sibling from afar, both intrigued and concerned at the same time. He was glad that Ellone was enjoying herself so much around Seifer, but Squall had learned that every bit of happiness in his life came at a price that was hell to pay. Kato didn't care when he was sad, hurt or upset, but when he was genuinely in a good mood, the man always became suspicious. Squall didn't know whether Kato was jealous, or if the man just hated him so much that he couldn't stand the idea of Squall being happy. Either way, it didn't make a difference. No matter how much he liked Seifer and genuinely appreciated the blond's company, Squall still found himself panicking during their random moments of silence, his throat tight as he pictured the consequences of his affection for the other male.
'There's no chance in hell I'll get away with this.'
Shivering, he turned to the side, wishing that he could wipe out these shapeless fears looming in the back of his mind, or at least keep them from constantly pushing to the surface. He had chosen to allow Seifer into his life; he knew he would have to endure more pain and suffering because of the blond, but in the end, this had been his decision alone. He had made the choice to keep Seifer around, and he would have to face the consequences. He only wished that he could simply accept this fact, instead of constantly worrying about it.
He hated himself for being so weak.
'I'm not even worried about myself. It's Ell and Mom that I worry about. I want them to be safe. As long as Kato lets his anger out on me, I don't care. I can handle it. I just—'
"Gonna run my fingers through your long black hair, squeeze you tighter than a grizzly bear, uh-uh-uh, yes sir-ee, uh uh, yeah, I'm gonna stick like glue, stick because I'm stuck on you!"
Blinking, Squall looked over at Seifer and his little sister. While he had been brooding, Ellone had leaned forward in her seat to play with the controls of Seifer's stereo that was located right in front of her. Whatever station she had managed to find, Seifer seemed to dig it, because he was singing along to the lyrics of the song at the top of his lungs, much to the amusement of little Ell. Squall stared at the two of them in bewilderment, cringing eventually as Ellone turned up the volume.
"What the hell?" the brunette quipped quizzically, drawing his eyebrows together. "Uh... is that Elvis Presley?"
Ell was bouncing in her seat to the rhythm, giggling "Elvis Pressy!", and Seifer merely smirked, winking suggestively in Squall's direction as he continued to sing.
"Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall, ain't gonna do you no good at all, cause once I catch ya and the kissin' starts, a team o' wild horses couldn't tear us apart!"
"Oh, fucking gracious," Squall groaned, covering his face in his hand. When he looked up, Seifer was still singing, shimmying from side to side, with Ellone imitating his every move, crooning an off-beat, off-pitch melody. Squall had never seen anything more ridiculous, but the two looked so goddamn hysterical, he couldn't help but get a laugh out of it.
With a resigned look on his face, he shook his head.
"You gotta be kidding me," he sighed, and a smile leaked across his face. "You two are completely hopeless."
"Next song, Ell!" Seifer commanded blithely, ignoring Squall's teasing comment. "Next song!"
Seifer took Ellone's small hand and guided it to the "next track" button on the blond's CD player, which she pushed in excitement. Squall quirked a brow in response.
'Are you shitting me? It's a fucking CD? I thought they were listening to the radio.'
"Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising, higher and higher, it's burning through to my soul. Girl, girl, girl, you're gonna set me on fire, my brain is flaming, I don't know which way to go! Your kisses lift me higher, like the sweet song of a choir, you light my morning sky - with burning love!"
And there they were, jumping around in their seats and singing along to the songs on Seifer's goddamn Elvis Presley CD. Squall didn't quite know what to do with himself, other than to watch the two most goofy human beings he had set sight on in a long freakin' time. Seifer and Ellone were like two silly peas in a pod, giggling and laughing and acting completely out of control.
'He's cracked in the head... completely mental,' Squall thought as he studied Seifer's glowing face. 'But... I actually kind of like it.'
It was impossible for the brunette to be thoughtful and gloomy while his two companions were belting those old fashioned feel-good songs so loudly that their throats would probably be sore before long. The memory hadn't even struck him initially, but when he thought about it, he remembered his mother listening to Elvis Presley songs a lot during her pregnancy with Ellone. Squall had found Raine dancing through the house to the cheerful tunes on more than one occasion, and he had joined her every time, whirling with her around the room, strengthening that bond between them that was much deeper than words could ever express.
'Mom is an amazing dancer... she always was, even before I was born. I'm sure she passed her talent on to Ellone. I can't believe I forgot all about this...'
There was a certain newfound fondness in his heart towards Seifer for bringing back those joyful memories that he had already forgotten several years ago. So many of his blissful childhood memories had been buried under the pain and suffering that Kato had brought upon him.
It was almost as if he had never been a child at all.
'No... that's not true. I had a great childhood, despite everything. Mom always made sure I was happy. That never really changed, even now. I owe her so much. I will do for Ell what Mom did for me: I'll make sure she's safe and happy and well taken care of, no matter what I'll have to deal with. Kato can do whatever he wants to me... but I'll kill him if he lays a hand on Ellone.'
"Hey, don't be looking so moody over there, Sir Glaresalot!" Seifer snickered from the other end of the bench seat. He had turned down the volume of the music, although Squall could still hear "Can't Help Falling In Love With You" bumbling in the background. Both Seifer and Ell were looking back at him, their faces flushed from the excitement.
With some trouble, Squall faked a smile, if only for his little sister's sake. "What? Are you two done singing already?" he asked, poking Ell in the side playfully. She giggled in response.
"Yes! Are we there yet?" the girl asked, impatience pouring into her voice as she strained her neck to look outside the window. To Squall's surprise, they had already pulled into one of the parking lots near the playground.
"Yup. Your able bodied chauffeur, Seifer, is honored to tell Mylady that we have arrived," the blond announced with mock seriousness. As he put his truck into park and turned off the engine, Ellone was already scrambling to get out of her seat.
"Hey, slow down, turbo!" Squall chuckled, twisting around to undo his sister's seatbelt. Then, he opened his door and jumped out of the truck, only to turn around and open his arms towards Ellone.
"Come on!" he motioned, smiling at her. She leapt into his arms with much laughter, and he held her tight for just one moment, simply cherishing the fact that she was healthy and alive, not cold and lifeless as she had been on that night after the snowstorm, three years ago.
She struggled in his embrace, wanting to be put down. With a small, inaudible sigh, he let her go. As he placed her on the ground, she jumped in circles, ready to take off running.
"Hey, Ell, you want your Barbie back?" Seifer asked loudly. He had appeared from behind the truck and stepped up next to Squall. The girl's doll was still sticking out of his pocket.
"No, you carry her!" Ellone commanded, causing Seifer to snort in amusement and exchange glances with Squall, who looked pleasantly humored.
"Fair enough," Seifer agreed in defeat, before a sudden idea crossed his mind. "Hey, Miss Ell... I wanna hold your hand! May I? It'd be a great honor, you know."
The petite brunette preschooler gave Seifer a long, thoughtful stare, as if she truly had to contemplate the blond's request. Her cute little face screwed up just the tiniest bit, and she nodded sternly.
"Yes, but only if you and big brother hold hands, too!"
With a small gulp and a puzzled expression, Seifer swiped a quick glance at Squall. The brunette looked as if someone had just creamed him over the back of the head with a frying pan. His eyes were wide as he gazed from Ellone to Seifer, who was reciprocating his looks with an air of uncertainty. Squall didn't know what to say. He couldn't figure out a simple way to explain to his sister that him and Seifer couldn't walk around holding hands, simply because it was inappropriate, possibly dangerous, and generally frowned upon by society. Her young, unprejudiced mind would never comprehend that sort of logic. In the hearts of young children, love was without societal restraint; it was pure and unguarded, given freely to anyone they deemed deserving. The terms "heterosexual" and "homosexual" meant nothing to them.
'What the hell am I supposed to tell her?'
Seifer saw the discomfort in Squall's face and the nervous glare in his eyes. He was holding his arms to his chest, grinding the heels of his boots in the gravel as he was looking helplessly at his younger sister. Seifer didn't know what was going on inside Squall's head, but he had a pretty solid idea. Part of him wanted to wait and see what the brunette would say, but the rest of him couldn't stand to see Squall squirming.
"How about we both get to hold your hand?" Seifer suggested in a warm, persuasive way as he knelt down before Ellone to be on the same eye-level as the five year old. He held out one hand, which she regarded with interest. "I'll hold one of your hands, and Squall holds the other. How about that?"
Ellone didn't have to think long on that proposition. The thought of holding both her brother's and Seifer's hand obviously appealed to her much. With a quick giggle and an excited nod, she grabbed Seifer's extended hand. The blond looked content as he stood up and walked her towards her older brother. Seifer was pleasantly surprised by the look on Squall's face; he had never quite seen anything like it before. There was gratitude glowing in the exotic grey blue of Squall's eyes, and something that was much closer to affection than Seifer had ever expected from the brunette. Squall was just standing there, staring at Seifer, pale and insecure and full of emotions that he didn't know how to express.
Seifer merely smiled.
"Let's go."
And as Ellone stretched out her hand, Squall grasped it readily, mouthing a silent "thank you" in Seifer's direction. The blond was relieved to see a small crack in Squall's façade of utter indifference, and he nodded in return. He hadn't done much, he figured, but he had learned by now that it didn't take any extravagant gestures to move his frigid brunette friend.
Simple ways of showing that he cared usually seemed to suffice, and although the brunette required a whole well of patience, Seifer didn't even mind so much anymore.
Somehow, Squall's presence had made his whole existence more worthwhile. Yeah, it was a cheesy thought alright, but he was closer to a state of complete happiness and satisfaction than he had ever been in his entire life. He had honestly never imagined that he would ever fall in love with someone – that he would feel the urge to do whatever it took to magically put a smile on someone else's face. Truthfully, he had always been rather selfish, and he had never thought that he'd long for more in his life than materialistic things and a quick lay with no strings attached. These days, the prospect of making Squall feel good inspired selfless acts from Seifer that he had never had the interest to perform before.
Seifer had never been an unhappy kind of guy; he knew how to have fun, and he was always surrounded by friends and flings alike. He had money, "toys" and a handful of family members that genuinely loved him. He had on no account lacked anything that a young adult could want or need, except perhaps for parental direction and guidance as he had grown up. When he was perfectly honest with himself, however, he had always felt the subdued inkling that something important was missing from the grand scheme that made up his life, but he had never spent much thought on the concept as a whole.
His life may not have been perfect, but it had always been good enough.
Now, he finally understood the difference between 'good enough' and true, honest-to-god happiness. He had found something of significance; a guy that meant so much to him that he strove to be a better person just for that boy's sake. He'd catch himself thinking about Squall throughout the day, smiling stupidly to himself as if he was the class fucking retard. On the contrary, Seifer had actually started to study for school to improve his grades, not only because he wanted to follow Squall to any college of his choosing, but also because he wanted to be someone that the brunette would see as something of an intellectual equal, instead of just another dumb football jock.
'Oh yeah, I know that's exactly what he thinks of me sometimes! Tsk. I'm a smart motherfucker, alright, I just choose to give my brain cells a rest every now and then. I pay attention to the shit that actually matters.'
They had been walking towards the playground, with Ellone babbling randomly and Squall responding to her with the teasing love and astounding patience of a typical older brother. Seifer honestly enjoyed watching the two of them together. Squall seemed like a completely different person around his sister; he was caring, protective and almost unguarded... nothing like his usual frigid, untouchable self.
'As much as he pretends to be a hard ass, his sister has him wrapped around her pinky finger. Too freakin' cute.'
"Playground!" Ellone squealed, as soon as they had passed a trail that led to the park's lake and a cove of trees and flowers. The playground had come in sight, with many kids and parents already gathered at the sandbox and the jungle gym. The girl pulled against them, and after a moment of hesitation, the two boys decided to let her go. Ellone ran towards a girl that she knew from previous visits, and Squall nodded politely when the mother of the other preschooler waved in their direction.
"She's got a bunch of little friends here, huh? Your sister sure is popular," Seifer said as he watched how the two girls begun to build something in the cool white sand and other children quickly joined them. By his side, Squall was studying his sister attentively, standing with casual grace, motionless as a statue.
"Yeah," the brunette murmured. "Mom and I take her out here a lot."
"That's good," Seifer nodded distractedly, then pointed at a nearby park bench. "Hey, let's go and sit down, alright?"
He didn't wait for an answer. Instead, he shuffled over to the bench and sank onto the slightly cold wooden seat. He looked over at Squall, who was still standing in the same spot, looking back at him with a blank expression. Finally, the brunette shrugged and placed his hands in the pockets of his jacket, before languidly walking over to Seifer's side, where he eventually sat down, not saying one word. He was sitting slightly hunched over, an arm's length away from Seifer, his eyes trained on Ellone, as if he was afraid to lose sight of her.
"Your sister's a freakin' doll, you know that?" Seifer commented, snickering in amusement as he watched the kids horsing around with each other. "Kinda makes me wish my parents would have another baby, ya know, but that ain't gonna happen. My mother's still whining about how much weight she gained when she was pregnant with me. I'll never hear the end of it. Hell, she's probably too old now, anyway."
"So you're an only child?" Squall concluded. His voice was mellow and a bit coarse, as if he was catching a cold.
"Yeah," Seifer said with a proud grin. "Spoiled rotten, too."
"You don't say," Squall replied cynically, but his tone was lacking its typical edge. Seifer could tell that the younger teen was simply poking fun at him.
"Nah, I don't think I was ever too spoiled," Seifer remarked with a shrug. He, too, had buried his hands in his coat pockets. He was watching the children at play, but his focus seemed to be someplace else.
Squall sneered. "Yeah, right."
Seifer heaved a long, heavy sigh. He seemed thoughtful, and uncharacteristically serious. His head was cocked back, and he was staring at the grey blue afternoon sky, which vaguely reminded him of the color of Squall's eyes. His blond hair was swaying lightly in the cold wind, and he looked more grown up than Squall had ever seen him before. The brunette watched him out of the corner of his eyes, searching for words that would break the silence, but simply didn't come to him.
"Well... honestly, my parents were always too busy to take care of me. They're both doctors, ya know," Seifer suddenly went on in a hushed, demure sort of way. He sounded so calm, and his mature seriousness immediately grabbed Squall's attention. "I guess they liked the idea of having a kid, but they really didn't have the time it takes to raise one properly. They figured they could just buy me a bunch of toys and pay a full-time nanny, and everything would work out fine. They really thought it was as simple as that. For two overly educated academics, they really are an extraordinarily stupid bunch."
When he saw the sad grimace on Seifer's face, Squall finally realized that he wasn't the only one without a picture-perfect childhood to call his own. The brunette suddenly felt very stupid for being so presumptuous and judgmental over Seifer's upbringing. He had always figured that Seifer had been too spoiled for his own good, and obviously his assumption hadn't been far from the truth; still, he had never questioned whether Seifer was even content with the way he had been raised.
"I'm sorry," Squall remarked contritely, devoid of anything more appropriate to say. As he shuffled his feet in the sand in discomfort, Seifer only smiled at him gently.
"Well, it wasn't all that bad, really. My grandmother, Belle, my Dad's mother, didn't want me to be raised by some nanny, so she pretty much stayed with me most of the time when I was younger," the blond went on to explain his childhood in greater detail. To his surprise, Squall had turned to face him, although his gaze would still drift over to Ellone frequently.
"Your grandma raised you?" Squall inquired eventually, a carefully masked shade of curiosity to his voice. He was obviously trying not to pry.
"Yeah, more or less," Seifer nodded, beaming at the brunette. "I love her, man, she's awesome. She's the reason I actually turned out alright. She always made sure I got enough tough love from her and grandpa. I could have gotten into a lot more trouble than I did. They kept me straight for as long as they could. My grandma's totally fuckin' cool for her age, too! Maybe you'll get to meet her some day. Anyway... Uh, what about your grandparents?"
Squall's face unexpectedly fell, and his head veered to the side, away from Seifer. The blond noticed a sudden stiffness in the set of Squall's shoulder.
Obviously, he had struck a nerve.
"I've never met them," Squall murmured dully, and he wrapped his arms around his torso tightly. He suddenly looked so impossibly small and helpless that Seifer was almost scared to pursue the subject further.
Then again, he figured that he might never get another opportunity like this again.
"Really?" the blond finally asked softly. "Why not?"
"I don't know who my biological father is, so I never met his side of the family," the brunette continued in a gritty, distant tone, then paused. He seemed to be struggling for words, and Seifer didn't push him to go on. The blond knew well enough that Squall had difficulty expressing himself. Given time, he would eventually get it out, and from experience Seifer had learned that the worst thing he could do was to rush Squall in any shape or form. All he would ever accomplish by pressuring the dark haired boy into opening up was to cause Squall to pull even further away from him.
"My mom's parents... they..." Squall started, screwing up his face. He had started to twist his wristbands that stuck out beneath the sleeves of his jacket. Seifer recognized that sign of nervousness that was so typical for Squall, and he studied the brunette attentively, prepared to diffuse the gravity of the situation if needed. "I never met them, either. My mother left home when she was pregnant with me in high school. She never talked about it much, but... basically, her parents wanted her to get an abortion."
Seifer's eyebrows drew together. He remembered Squall's outburst at his apartment the night before... the boy's seemingly unfounded feelings of guilt over his mother's pregnancy with him. He hadn't expected the younger male to open up to him about it all so soon, but he was prepared to listen and try to understand whatever Squall was about reveal.
"I don't even really... blame them, to be honest..." the dark haired teen went on, a sadness to his voice that that seemed much more profound than Squall would ever let on. He didn't even quite understand why he was telling Seifer all of these things, but the words were just coming out now, freed from the strict restraints that he normally had on his emotions. "She was a senior in high school, with her whole life and career laid out in front of her. She was a straight A student, a talented ballerina dancer, she had a scholarship to university... and she just... threw it all away."
"She didn't throw anything away," Seifer corrected him immediately, but he kept his inflection gentle. "She chose to bring you into this world, because you mattered more to her than any of that stuff. You're her son. Do you really think being a dancer would be more important to her than you? Squall... seriously, she made a decision that was only hers to make. She's your mother, and she chose to have you. Your grandparents had no control over it, and neither did you. Stop beating yourself up over it."
"They may not have had direct control over her, but their reluctance to support Mom's decision eventually caused her to leave," Squall growled bitterly, digging open old wounds that had never fully healed. "They told her she'd be kicked out of the house if she didn't abort the pregnancy... so she left, because of me, and she was all on her own. She was so young. My biological father wasn't there for her. He never even acknowledged the fact that I existed. My mother won't even tell me who the bastard is, because she's afraid I might go find him and kill him for what he's done. He wasn't there for her when she needed him. He's a pathetic excuse for a man. My mom did everything on her own. She had no one to help her. She was seventeen years old, with no place to go. It was... way too much responsibility."
"But she made it, right? Whatever she did, and regardless of what she went through, she still managed to raise you all on her own, and she did a damn fine job at it, too, might I add," the blond said encouragingly. He saw the darkness in Squall's eyes, and knew something was off, but he couldn't possibly say what it was. He smiled, hoping to lift Squall's spirits, but the brunette was ignoring him now, staring at the jungle gym, digging his fingers into his upper arms.
"Look," Seifer sighed, inching closer to Squall on the bench. He wanted to touch the brunette so badly, but he didn't figure that fondling Squall in front of a whole group of preschoolers and their parents was such a fantastic idea. Sometimes he wondered if that was all Squall really needed – someone to hold him, be there for him and make him feel safe, so he'd finally allow himself to be vulnerable. No seventeen year old human being could be this guarded and self-sufficient all the damn time. Squall would snap eventually if he'd keep all of his problems holed up inside. "You did nothing wrong, Squall. I can tell this is bothering you, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your mother decided to raise you - nobody forced her to. I understand that it might have been rough on her at times, but ultimately, she managed. And now look at you! Here you are, seventeen years later, fine as frog's hair, and everything's alright. Your mom's married, you got a doll of a younger sister, and your family seems to be well taken care of. You shouldn't feel bad about anything!"
"... It's not that simple."
Squall stood up abruptly and walked over to the sandbox, where Ellone was still playing with her friends. Seifer watched him leaving, trying to understand the deeper meaning behind the brunette's words.
'What in the world is going on here? Why does he feel so damn guilty about being born? How long has he been feeling this way, anyway? Doesn't he understand how completely pointless and unjustified it is? He's an intelligent guy. Why doesn't it go into his stubborn head that none of this is his fault? There's got to be more to this story than he's letting on. Does he really have a happy family? He certainly doesn't act like it. And where is his real father at, anyway?'
Seifer was still brooding when Ellone came running towards him, flailing her arms, squealing her pet name for him in delight. Almost out of instinct, Seifer jumped up and grabbed her around her tiny waist, swinging her through the air as he spun around on the spot, laughing away the darkness that was looming over him like a shadow. He didn't know that Squall was watching him from a few feet away, a quiet expression on his face as he wondered just how he was going to protect Seifer and Ellone from a man whose mind had an intimate understanding of the law, but whose heart had been rotted by crime and corruption a long time ago.
"... A right off Westwood Lane? Okay, I see it. - Yeah, I'm on Pinecrest Drive now. What's the house number again, 409? - 'Right, man. See you in a minute."
Seifer snapped his cell phone shut, looking around. He was driving his pick-up truck down a narrow, tree lined street into a small, beautiful rural neighborhood. His eyes were scanning the numbers on the houses that he was passing on his left and right hand side. There was a particular one that he was looking for: 409 Pinecrest Drive, home of one of his classmates, Irvine Kinneas. Finally, Seifer stopped in front of a large brick home with a colorfully landscaped front yard. He immediately recognized the bright red Mustang convertible parked in the driveway next to two other cars.
"Well, that's Irvine's ride... which makes this Irvine's house."
Satisfied, Seifer pulled his truck in behind Irvine's car and turned off his engine. It was early evening and he had just left Ward's Diner, where he had dropped off Squall and his sister so that the little girl could catch a ride home with her mother and the brunette could pick up his motorcycle. Squall had effectively fended off the blond's earnest attempts at inviting him out for dinner, which had ultimately left Seifer with too much free time on his hands and some interesting ideas on what he could do with it.
His afternoon at the park with Squall and Ellone had made Seifer think. He had realized how little he really knew about his dark haired friend, and how much unseen troubles Squall was hiding beneath the surface of a seemingly carefree life. Squall's past was too vague for Seifer to understand; the fragmented bits and pieces that Squall would share with him made very little sense. Therefore, Seifer had decided to dig deeper, to look beyond the surface of Squall's existence, and he would do it on his own, without the brunette knowing anything about his efforts. Of course, Seifer was mostly interested in the brunette's previous love life, and that guy named "Aren," whoever he might be.
'Guess I'll find out here in a minute.'
Seifer had decided to enlist Irvine as an informant, simply because he was one of his few people who knew Squall better than most. His talks with Selphie hadn't made much a difference so far, and he hoped that Irvine would prove to be a little bit more useful.
Yawning, he walked up to the front door of the Kinneas residence and rang the door bell. He was tuckered out from his adventures with Ellone and Squall at the playground. Honestly, Ell was a real blazing ball of energy. He had chased her all over the jungle gym and the sandbox, Squall right on his heels. They had rolled around in the sand like kids, playing with Ell and her little friends, unfazed by a set of parents nearby wondering aloud, "And whose children are they?". It had felt good to just goof off and be silly, especially when Squall had been right there with him, enjoying himself just as much.
'That was a blast. I've never seen him laugh so much. Next time, I should bring Shiva. I think he'd like that.'
Just as he had lifted his arms above his head and stretched heartily, the door in front of him opened and a petite woman with long, curly red hair appeared in front of him, looking him up and down with obvious curiosity.
"Well, hello," she said, grinning as he dropped his arms and assumed a more appropriate form, while looking at her with a dumbfounded expression on his handsome face. "You must be Seifer."
"Eh, yeah, sure am," Seifer replied with a wry smile. "Uh, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," the redheaded woman chuckled, and her light blue eyes were sparking with humor. There was something mischievous about her that threw Seifer off a little. This woman didn't seem like a typical parent at all, despite the fact that she looked to be in her late thirties or early fourties. "I'm Tasha Kinneas, Irvine's mother. Well, don't just stand there, come on in, kiddo, make yourself at home."
"Thanks."
He stepped past her into a hallway with wooden floors and light colored walls that were lined with photographs and artsy trinkets of all sorts. The house looked warm and inviting, but it wasn't quite what Seifer had expected. Nothing about the house or the short, red haired woman in the jeans and simple white t-shirt suggested that her adolescent son was a freak case with a cowboy fetish.
'Looks way normal to me. Not sure where Irvine is getting his crazy from, but it doesn't seem to be here.'
Suddenly, another woman stepped around a corner further down the hallway. She had shoulder length, white-blonde hair that looked almost silver to Seifer's eyes. Her bangs obscured most of her face, which seemed strangely familiar. The woman's frame was short and slender, and she was dressed in a dark grey tank top and white jeans. When she tilted her head to give Seifer a look of plain curiosity out of dark, reddish brown eyes, something in the blond's mind finally clicked into place.
"Fujin?" he asked with a bewildered expression, before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, erh, miss Takahara. Sorry."
She watched him scratching his head in confusion, smiling just slightly, but giving no greeting or explanation of any kind. Just as he was trying to work out why on earth his weird art teacher was hanging out at Irvine's place, looking quite at home no less, the cowboy suddenly squeezed past her from the kitchen, only to walk up to him and give him a friendly smack on the head.
"Ey man, you found it!" the auburn haired cowboy declared contently, beaming at his classmate. He was wearing his trademark Stetson, typical tight Levi's jeans and a loose fitting black t-shirt. To Seifer's mild surprise, he was only wearing socks instead of his usual cowboy boots. All in all, he looked pretty laid back, but undeniably attractive nonetheless.
'... If ever I decide to develop a penchant for cowboys, I know just where to go.'
"So, anyway, that's my mom, Tasha," Irvine re-introduced the smiling redhead, before pointing at the silver haired woman, "And that's her wife, Fujin. She's a teacher at our school."
"We've met," the attractive silver haired female stated, seemingly unfazed by the fact that Seifer's head had just shot around to stare at her, both eyebrows raised to his hairline. The blond looked stunned and speechless for a second, and his slack jaw dropped just enough to make him look entirely retarded.
"Your mom's wife? You mean they're lesbians?" Seifer blurted out, all tact apparently forgotten. Irvine's mother was chuckling in amusement somewhere in the background, and Fujin looked entirely unimpressed.
"Yeah, they've been married for like, 10 years," Irvine explained with a bored shrug, as if it was the most unsurprising fact in the world.
Seifer merely nodded awkwardly, an estranged look on his face. "Right..."
Honestly, he was a little shocked. He knew that homosexual couples could tie the knot in Esthar, but that still didn't mean that gay marriages were all that common of an occurrence.
He had never figured that Irvine's parents were lesbians!
'With one of them being my teacher, no less. Wow. I had no idea. Uh, now what? This is awkward. I feel like I just stuck my head way up my own ass.'
Scratching his forehead in a gesture of discomfort, he looked at Irvine for guidance, who finally pointed towards a set of stairs.
"Well, let's go upstairs to my pad, man," the cowboy declared, already proceeding towards the staircase. "We can look for those yearbooks you wanted to see."
"Oh, uh... right, yeah," Seifer answered hastily, hurrying after the other male. For some reason, the thought of staying behind with the two smirking women scared him just a little. He could hear them giggling among each other as him and Irvine were making their way up the stairs, with the cowboy whistling some random, cheery tune.
"So... uh... yeah, uh..." Seifer started, stumbling over the words. He had never quite felt so tongue-tied before.
"Yeah, my mom's a dyke," Irvine stated quite bluntly, performing a 'so-what' gesture with his right hand. He was smiling, and he seemed completely unmoved by Seifer's awkward behavior. "I've been around women pretty much all of my life."
Seifer couldn't help but let out a small snort.
"Well," the blond said, producing a sarcastic sneer. "That explains a few things."
"Like what? The fact that I'm such a ladies' man?" the cowboy assumed proudly, drumming his fist against the right side of his chest. "Yeah, I've heard that one before. Chicks dig me 'cause I'm in touch with my feminine side."
"Yeah, aren't you ever," Seifer laughed, earning himself a jab in the side from Irvine.
"Up yours, jerk off," the other male warned, but he was grinning good-naturedly. He had walked Seifer through a hallway across the second floor and straight into his own bedroom. It was a large, inviting looking room with a queen size bed, a TV set up, a computer desk, a few video game consoles and a guitar that was laid out on Irvine's coffee table. Random things were strung here and there across the carpet, and Seifer noticed a large pile of dirty laundry in a far corner. The blond felt immediately at home; a feeling that, quite truthfully, he hadn't experienced when he had walked into Squall's room for the first time.
'Hell, Squall's room is about as cozy as a fuckin' morgue!'
"Make your happy ass at home," Irvine told him as he plopped down on one of the two couches and grabbed the controller for one of his video games that was still running on his TV. Absentmindedly, he pointed at a nearby bookcase and said, "Oh yeah, if you wanna look at those yearbooks, they're over there on one of the shelves."
"Right on."
Seifer acknowledged the information with a nod and proceeded towards Irvine's bookcase. Earlier today, he had found himself enlightened with the brilliant idea of going through Irvine's old high school yearbooks (his freshman one, to be precise) to hopefully find a trace of Squall's elusive former lover, Aren Collins.
"So," Seifer started as he picked a couple of books from the shelves. Looking at the dates imprinted on the book sleeves, he figured that these had to be from Irvine's freshman and sophomore year. "You ever know a guy named Aren? Aren Collins?"
"Aren?" the cowboy questioned, still playing his video game. It was a first person shooter as far as Seifer could tell from a distance, and the music to it was playing somewhere in the background, coming from Irvine's surround sound system. "Nah, man, don't think I've ever heard the name before, sorry."
"Really? You sure?" the blond asked again, sounding skeptic. He had furrowed his forehead into a frown.
"Yup." Irvine replied absently.
"Well, fuck me running," Seifer growled, moving towards the couch across from Irvine while dragging his feet.
"Yeah, I'll get right on that," Irvine quipped with a playful grin. Seifer merely gave him a sour look.
"Hey, why you askin', anyway?" the cowboy finally inquired, more engaged in the conversation this time. His face had turned halfway to meet Seifer's. When he noticed the solemn glare in the other male's eyes, he finally paused his game and tossed his controller aside to give his friend his immediate and undivided attention. "Okay, seriously dude, what's the deal? Who's that guy supposed to be? You're up to something."
"It's someone Squall used to know," Seifer replied vaguely as he sank into the seat cushions, cradling the two yearbooks in his lap. He glanced over them hesitantly, not sure if he would like what he'd find once he opened them.
"Oh, Squall you say, huh?" Irvine sang, a sudden peak of curiosity to his voice that hadn't been there before. His amethyst eyes were glittering with unconcealed interest. "Say, that kinda reminds me... What's the deal with you two lovebirds, anyhow?"
"Lovebirds?" Seifer shot back instinctively, sounding more defensive than he had intended to. "No clue what you're talkin' about."
"Dude, I was raised by two lesbians," Irvine stated matter-of-factly, crossing his legs and throwing them up on the coffee table in front of him. "You don't have to bullshit me, okay. I pretty much know gayness when I see it."
For a moment, Seifer seriously considered slugging Irvine right then and there, if only for his smart mouth. Then, he thought better of it. Yeah, the cowboy could be a downright pain in the ass and all, but aside from Selphie, he was the only person Seifer had ever met that seemed completely unbothered by the concept of him having the hots for his male classmate.
Honestly, he wasn't quite used to this much approval of his sexual orientation. This was starting to feel just a little bizarre.
Meanwhile, Irvine was surveying him from beneath the wide brim of his cowboy hat, which he casually pushed up with his thumb.
"So?" the auburn haired teen asked. "Am I right, or am I right?"
"Kiss my rosy ass, Kinneas," Seifer taunted, flipping the other male off. "So what if you're right, dingleberry?"
"So you two are all gay for each other," Irvine shrugged lazily, looking entirely unimpressed. "Hey, that's cool."
"I'm not sure he's all that gay for me, but thanks for the approval and all," the blond grunted, now planting his feet on the table as well.
"What, are you two fighting over who's gonna be the pitcher and who's gonna be the receiver, or what's the deal here?" the cowboy joked. "You two could always flip a coin, ya know."
"That's not really the issue, although I hadn't thought quite that far ahead," Seifer replied indistinctly.
'What's there to think about, anyway? I've always been on top. It's what I do. I'm pretty fuckin' good at it, too, if I do say so myself, and I sure as hell love doin' it. Granted, Squall's got more balls than all the guys I've ever fucked before, but someone's gotta be the bottom here, and it ain't gonna be me, I tell you that. As long as he lets me fuck him just once, he'll never want anything else, anyway.'
"You are a piss poor liar, my friend," Irvine laughed. "You pictured his ass naked the first time you saw him!"
"So I'm just as horny as the next guy," Seifer shrugged, a wide grin on his face. He was grateful that Irvine had interrupted his thought process, because he had already felt a hard-on coming on. "Sue me, Kinneas."
"Well, he ain't a bad lookin' guy, I guess," the other male admitted in a contemplative tone. "Not the most charming thing out there by any means, but... ya know. If I was gay, I guess I'd be tailing his ass, too. Alas, I prefer the fairer sex, so you're in luck. That ass is all yours, man. Have at it."
"Gee, thanks," the blond snorted sarcastically, before his face abruptly grew stern. "Hey, seriously, though... did you know that Squall was gay before I came along?"
"Eh, let's say I had my suspicions," Irvine informed him with a half-shrug and a wave of his hand. "A guy who's that good looking but never had a girlfriend kind of raises questions about his sexuality. Then again, he's got lousy damn people skills, so I figured maybe he's been wanting to go out with girls but just doesn't know how to go about it. Rinoa was after him for the longest time, but he always just kind of ignored her. Not that I blame him or anything... that girl's been around."
"I see," Seifer said thoughtfully, the significance of Irvine's statement lost on him for right now. His eyes were drifting around the room as he pondered the cowboy's words. Finally, he slanted his head to the side and gave Irvine a look of uncertainty. "I take it that means you've never seen him date a guy before?"
"Hell no!" Irvine chortled. "You know, I don't think the guy so much as dates his right hand, if you know what I mean. Completely clueless, I swear."
"You ain't kidding."
"Then again, maybe you know something I don't," Irvine suggested sneakily. He waggled his eyebrows at Seifer, but the blond snorted in reply.
"Like hell," Seifer grunted under his breath. "He threatens to neuter me every time I come near him."
"Ouch," the cowboy winced. "No love lost there, I see."
"Oh, he wants me, he just hasn't given it up yet," the blond insisted stubbornly, trying to keep his male pride from being compromised. "Trust me, I'll pop his cherry and put some whipped cream on top, too."
"Yeah, sure, you hang on real tight to that thought, my friend," Irvine chuckled, grinning from ear to ear. "Meanwhile, I'll look into reconstructive surgery for ball sacks for you."
"Fuck you, Kinneas," Seifer shot back, swiftly flipping the other male off for the second time that afternoon. The cowboy, however, was roaring with laughter at his offended expression. He honestly seemed to enjoy the imagery of his blond friend becoming a eunuch at Squall Leonhart's hands.
Seifer watched him cracking up, his hands twitching with the urge to pummel Irvine off the couch for being such a pest. Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that Irvine wasn't going to stop acting like a retard anytime soon, and he spared the cowboy with a lopsided grin that radiated pity. "You really are a fuckin' dingleberry, you know."
"Man, I almost pissed myself there for a minute," Irvine prompted, still chortling and wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. Finally, after several moments, he managed to compose himself just enough to regard Seifer with a half-smirk and a thumbs up. "Seriously, dude: good luck with the ice princess – you're gonna need it."
Seifer rolled his eyes in a gesture of annoyance, but said nothing. He demonstratively begun to flip through Irvine's freshman yearbook, proceeding immediately to the senior class section. Even after minutes of browsing the pages, however, he couldn't find anyone by the name of Aren.
"What the hell..."
He frowned, staring at the glossy paper in front of him. He had looked at all the photos, all the names, and found nothing.
'There's no one by that name in this yearbook, and Irvine never even heard of the guy. What's going on here? Did he lie to me about the guy's name so I wouldn't find him if I looked for him? What the fuck.'
With a few harsh hand movements, Seifer flipped to the section of the Deling City High freshman class, irritation written on his face as he glowered at the pages. It didn't take him long to locate Squall's class picture, and for some reason, Seifer's anger dissipated as soon as he laid eyes on it.
The brunette looked as striking as he always had, but Seifer hadn't expected much else. Squall's hair was slightly shorter in the photograph than it was today. His skin looked tanned, with a healthy flush glowing on his cheeks, and there was a certain intensity and brightness about his face that Seifer only rarely saw on Squall these days. He had a small, almost impish smile on his lips and the fearless curiosity of a thirteen or fourteen year old in his eyes. He looked to be as carefree of a kid as any.
Apprehensively, Seifer placed the hardcover bound pages next to him on the couch and opened Irvine's sophomore yearbook instead. When he finally found Squall's picture situated between that of a Jennifer Lennon and a guy named Charles Lewis, Seifer's face froze as the significance of the photograph hit him like a ton of bricks.
'... Something happened to him, three years ago. Something that turned him from a happy, normal kid into a completely dysfunctional teenager. Something that makes him want to cut his wrists and stay as far away from everyone as he possibly can.'
Narrowing his eyes, Seifer continued to stare at the picture of an absurdly handsome, yet entirely emotionless looking brunette boy. Squall's face had a flat affect, and he looked paler and skinnier than he had in the picture from only a year prior. His light, grey blue eyes were lacking luster. There was a dullness there that Seifer found nothing short of alarming.
'What in the world happened to him?'
He had asked Squall that question before, but the brunette's explanation no longer seemed satisfactory. Squall's alleged ex-boyfriend, Aren, was nowhere to be found in the records of Squall's freshman year, and Seifer suddenly began to wonder whether the faceless male even existed at all. He had never questioned Squall's word, but something here wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
"... What's wrong?"
Seifer looked up, swiping Irvine, who was still sitting on the couch across from him, a sideways glance. The cowboy was reciprocating his look with a certain suspicion and a touch of concern. Obviously, he was waiting on an answer.
"How well do you know Squall, anyway?" Seifer asked slowly, aligning theories and questions inside his mind. They formed a complex pattern, with no tangible solution in sight that even remotely appealed to the blond.
In all truth, he wasn't quite sure how he was going to get to the bottom of this.
"I'm not sure, to be honest with you," Irvine replied evenly. He leaned back in his seat, scratching his nose as he reflected on the past. Obviously, it was something that he hadn't done in a while. "I used to think that I knew him pretty well. I mean, I actually considered him a friend for a few years."
"Well, what happened?" Seifer asked impatiently.
"Couldn't tell you," Irvine admitted dumbly, raising his shoulders. "I've known him since kindergarten. Then him and his mother moved to Esthar for a while, when we were in elementary school. That's where his mom met Squall's stepfather, as far as I know. They moved back here together and Squall started high school at the same time as I did."
"What was he like during his Freshman year?"
The auburn haired youth seemed to ponder that question. "I think he was just like he used to be as a kid," he said. "We were still friends. I remember, cause he defended me in front of some idiots from Junior class who had gotten wind of my mother being a lesbian and all that. Him and I really whooped those guys' asses! He decked one of them with just one punch, I totally remember. It was pretty badass."
Seifer smiled faintly at the thought of Squall and Irvine beating the crap out of some older high school kids. His gaze flitted to the picture of Squall in Freshman class; that bright, cheeky looking kid with a healthy tan and a dusting of freckles on his nose, whose only concern in the world seemed to be what his mother would cook him for dinner or if his favorite cartoon was running on TV when he came home from school.
'He looks like he has absolutely everything going for him. There doesn't seem to be a thing wrong with him at all.'
"Then... things kind of changed," Irvine continued hesitantly, pressing his lips together.
"What changed?" Seifer questioned, his interest stimulated once more.
"He did," the cowboy explained, animatedly waving his hands through the air, obviously referring to Squall. "I swear, for the longest time, I thought that it was me. I thought that I had pissed him off or something, because he stopped talking to me and hanging out with me. Then I kind of figured out that he just wasn't the same guy he used to be. He didn't want to be around anyone. It wasn't just me. He became completely introverted and started acting like the most gigantic asshole towards anyone who tried to be nice to him. Eventually, I just gave up and let him do his own thing. I thought that maybe it would get better over time, but overall, it really only got worse."
"When did all of that happen?" Seifer asked, furrowing his brows.
"I guess sometime during Freshman year," the cowboy responded. "I think something happened when his family went on Christmas vacation to the Trabia mountains that year. I heard some rumors, something about him and his sister getting into an accident, but nobody ever really figured out what happened. Squall doesn't talk about it, and I don't think the rest of his family does, either."
"Did you ever look in the newspaper or anything?" the blond suggested hopefully.
"I did," Irvine said, shaking his head. "Nada. It's like this big, fucking mystery."
"Well, shit," Seifer grunted, blowing out a breath.
"You could ask him about it, but I don't really recommend it," the other youth offered, tipping back his cowboy hat to scratch his forehead. "I tried, because I thought that's what friends should do, ya know, be there for each other, but he kind of blew up in my face and pretty much refused to speak with me for the rest of the year. Even since then we don't exchange much more than a quick sentence here and there."
"Yeah, I noticed you guys weren't exactly getting your bro-mance on," Seifer said with a low chuckle, covering up the fact that he was actually quite unsettled by the things he had discovered this afternoon.
"I really don't know what his deal is," Irvine finally concluded, resignation to his tone. "I think something pretty significant must have happened for him to do a complete one-eighty like that on everyone, but I don't know what. Maybe you can figure it out."
And that was all that Irvine said, gazing at the blond with a look that was a mix of skepticism and pity. Seifer, however, snapped the yearbook shut, determination blazing in his eyes that wouldn't be extinguished before he'd have finally unraveled the truth about Squall and the clouded mystery of his fucked up past.
"You bet your ass I will."
'How long does it take for a person to drown? How many minutes? How many breaths? And why couldn't we drown ourselves on purpose, even if we wanted to?'
He was floating on his back, in the warm water of his parents' heated indoor pool. His eyes were staring at the ceiling, and he was listening to the fading notes of a piece of classical music playing from a CD somewhere in the background. Anyone watching him would have found the sight of a half-dressed brunette teenager floating in the middle of a lavishly tiled granite pool entirely bizarre. Squall couldn't have possibly cared less. He had found a perfect balance between his body and the water, keeping himself from going under without so much as moving a single limb.
Squall went to the pool quite often, swimming for hours until the tape around his wrists became so soggy that it nearly dissolved and his muscles had tired to a point where he could hardly even stand. He didn't do it for the sake of getting a work-out or sculpting his body; he did it because it was one of the few things in life that still brought him a fraction of enjoyment.
Tonight, however, he didn't feel like doing laps. He had simply made his way here after his mother and Ellone had left to visit with another family and have dinner with them. He hadn't bothered to take off his washed out blue jeans and white t-shirt. Instead, he had immersed himself almost completely dressed, struggling with the forces of the water until he had finally achieved a state of complete equilibrium.
His skin was glistening in the dim, artificial light cast by numerous lamps inlet into the ceiling. Other than that, it was perfectly dark and quiet in this part of the house. Squall could hear the echo of his own heartbeat in the water. His eyes were red around the iris; they stung, and they were constantly watering in an attempt to wash out the chlorine, but it didn't bother him enough to get out.
He just wanted to lie there, cradled by the subtle waves created from the pool's powerful jet system, thinking about everything and yet nothing at all.
'We're born with this strong instinct to survive. Even as babies, our bodies fight with everything we have to stay alive. We may know nothing of the world we're brought into, but we do know that we don't want to leave it. Why is that? Why are we born with such a strong will to survive, and yet no mechanism that will control how much we hurt the people around us? Are we just brought into this world to be selfish?'
He sighed, feeling his breath like a cloud of cool, heavy mist against his wet skin. It was completely silent around him; apparently, the CD had stopped playing a while ago. His mind felt like lead, and he wished that he could simply fall asleep like this, floating in the water.
'I must've been in here for over an hour now...'
When he suddenly realized how cold he had become due to his lack of movement, his body started to tremble. He had been laying motionless in the tepid pool for too long, surrounded by an element that had gradually been draining all of his warmth. His muscles were almost stiff. He let out a soft groan and swirled his arms around himself, trying to create heat through motion.
'It's so cold. But I don't wanna get out yet...'
"What in the world are you doing?"
He started, and that break in his concentration alone caused him to lose his sense of balance and go underwater. Quickly, he pushed himself upwards, coughing up gulps of water that had entered his lungs. He placed his feet on the ground of the pool, his head and shoulders barely peeking through the surface of the water. Rubbing his eyes to ease the increased sting of the chlorine as he continued to cough, he looked towards the edge of the pool.
Kato was lingering by a pile of towels that Squall had left at the head end of the pool basin. The dark haired man was still wearing the pants of a black, tailor made suit, a dark grey dress shirt and a red tie around his neck that he had loosened just slightly; apparently, he had only just returned home from work.
Squall swallowed, but he couldn't get rid of the lump that he suddenly felt in his throat.
"Why are you in the pool with your clothes on?" the man asked, no particular emotion to his voice. Squall noted curiosity, at best, reprimand, at worst.
The boy released a breath of air he had unconsciously been holding.
"... No reason," he said, sounding indefinite.
He avoided the man's eyes and glared instead at the rippling surface of the water in front of him. His body was still shaking.
"You really are an odd kid," Kato stated evenly, watching Squall's blank face from afar. He was soaking wet from head to toe, but he looked so beautiful with every strand of hair and every fiber of clothing clinging to his perfectly shaped body. His skin was pale, and his lips were tinged a fascinating shade of blue. He couldn't seem to stop shivering.
Kato let out a sharp sigh.
"You look like you're freezing," he remarked brusquely, half turning on his heel. "Get out."
Squall swiped the man an upwards glance that was tentative and full of long nurtured, skittish suspicion. Kato had bent down to pick up one of his towels, and he was holding it in his hand in a pretense act of kindness, gazing upon his stepson expectantly.
Squall hadn't moved an inch from his spot.
"That wasn't a request, Squall. Don't make me tell you again," Kato warned, his inflection as soft as the purr of a carnivore.
"... I want to stay a while longer," the boy gave a quiet reply, avoiding eye contact with the other male once more. He knew that Kato's temper was volatile and far too easily inflamed. The only reason Squall chose to disobey his stepfather this time was because he was frightened by the idea of getting out of the pool in Kato's presence. He was soaked and his clothes stuck to his body, outlining every curve of bone and muscle that he could call his own. He had noticed that dark glint of desire in Kato's eyes when the man had looked him up and down, and he knew precisely what it meant.
"You do what I tell you to. I'm done playing games with you, Squall," the man bit back icily, and the brunette saw him dropping the towel to the floor. "You won't disrespect me again like you did last night."
"I'm not the one playing games here," Squall whispered, his voice brittle as he pressed the words through teeth he had clenched too hard to chatter. He had opened his mouth before thinking, and as soon as he realized what he had said, he knew that he had just made a very stupid mistake.
He flinched when Kato suddenly leaped into the pool, completely dressed, wading towards him so rapidly that the abrupt flurry of motions sent all of Squall's flight instincts into overdrive. Just as he had veered around in a futile attempt to get out of the water, he felt Kato's hand closing around the nape of his neck, yanking him back.
Squall lost his tread on the bottom of the swimming pool and his head went underwater once more. He could feel Kato pulling him towards the edge of the pool, but Squall only offered half-hearted resistance. He was too taken aback to do much more than flail his arms and legs pathetically. His pulse was racing as he started to panic, and he choked on the water in his airway. Frantically, he tried to catch his breath, but he kept losing his balance as Kato was dragging him along.
"You think you're really clever, don't you?" Squall heard the man barking as he shoved him up against the wall of the pool, somewhere where the water only came up to their waists. The impact knocked the wind out of the brunette, and he found himself struggling for air once more.
"S-shit," the dark haired boy gasped against the burning in his throat, his features contorted as he tried to regain his balance. He spun sideways hastily to face his adversary, who had released his grasp on Squall's neck.
The man was staring at him, his grey eyes hard and blanched of any trace of paternal kindness. Squall was reciprocating his stepfather's cold gaze with apprehension, holding one arm against his side where his ribs had made painful contact with the edge of the pool basin.
"You are a dumb little shit for thinking you can back-talk me, Squall," Kato finally snarled, grabbing a firm hold of Squall's left upper arm. The brunette instinctively jerked back and his eyes cut to the side as if he was expecting to be hit, but he remained perfectly silent. He had suddenly lost all intention to argue with the man.
"It's been three years and you haven't learned a goddamn thing. Have you heard one thing that I've said?" the older male asked roughly, pulling his stepson closer. Squall could feel him breathing down his neck, and he couldn't help but shiver in response. Kato noticed him shaking; he was surveying every inch of Squall's body, appreciating the brunette's exquisite looks that seemed only enhanced by his fright.
"What do you want me to say?" Squall finally asked, the words coming out weak and breathless. He was staring at some point past Kato's head, trying to ignore the nausea welling up inside him. He couldn't take being so physically close to the man.
"Just keep your mouth shut," Kato suggested with a soft sneer. His eyes were still roving over Squall's body. He took one step around the brunette, moving towards his back with the grace of a predator. Then, he bent his head down just slightly to bring his mouth close to Squall's left ear.
"But... if you insist on playing games, Squall, then trust me, I have no problems playing with you all night long," he whispered, ghosting the lobe of Squall's ear with his lower lip. The brunette jumped at the sudden contact, but Kato was still clasping his arm tightly with one hand.
"No!" Squall winced, a strangled plea to his voice that hadn't been there before. His body shook more violently now as a primal, deeply rooted terror settled in.
"You know, I've been wondering about something," Kato continued, smiling eerily, savoring the fact that Squall's eyes went wide in fear. "If you weren't this fucking pretty, would anyone but me still be interested in you? Maybe we should find out, you and I. Boy, I could ruin your looks forever and it would never even look like anything more than an unfortunate accident. I hardly think that football player crush of yours would wanna touch you with a barge pole after I'm finished with you. God, Squall, you have no idea how much I want to fuck you up right now."
Squall swallowed, biting back tears. Despair was sinking into every crevice of his soul; he felt so completely and utterly helpless. For just a brief, seemingly insignificant flicker of a moment, he felt himself longing for Seifer to come and put an end to this fucked up nightmare that was an everyday part of his life. It was an absurd fantasy, and he felt ridiculous for even thinking about it. After all, what would have been the point? The image of a knight in shining armor coming to his rescue seemed entirely wasted on him.
The moment where he could still be saved had passed a long time ago. There was no going back, and there would be no happy ending. At this point, the only question that remained was just how many scars he would take to his grave.
'No...'
Squall took a breath and held it, reaching for that small spark of hope inside of him that trauma had not touched. He wasn't going to surrender himself to some fate that the monster named Kato had sketched out for him. For now, he would cooperate, but some day his mother and sister would be save from the man's threats, and Squall would be save from his desecrating hands. He could do this, all by his seventeen year old self. He had no illusions about recovering from the pain and suffering that Kato had put him through, but this had never been about his own well-being. The only reason he was still here was because he knew that he could put an end to that bastard's control over his own and his family's life.
It was only a matter of time.
Acquiescence fell over his face, and Squall slowly closed his eyes, drowning out the man's presence and the touch of his hands, which had begun to roam his body eagerly. There was more strength inside him than Kato would ever manage to destroy.
With newfound calm that was entirely foreign for someone his age, Squall said, "Do whatever you want. I don't care."
The man paused, staring at his stepson from behind. This wasn't the response that Kato had expected, nor was it the one he had hoped for. It wasn't like Squall to surrender to his advances without at least a bit of a token struggle. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why Kato enjoyed himself so much.
Then again, he wasn't quite so easily fooled.
"Right," he said with a cynical, self-content sneer as his left hand closed around Squall's windpipe from behind and he unbuttoned the brunette's jeans with the other, laughing ever so softly. "Because I was going to ask your permission."
Squall tensed, but remained in place even as Kato's hand slid over his hipbone and eased his pants halfway down the shallow curve of his butt. He swallowed against the pressure that the man exerted on his throat and cocked his head back to breathe more easily. He could feel Kato nipping at the skin on his neck, right near the slope of his left shoulder, and Squall's face twisted in response. His eyes stung with tears, but he refused to put up a fight, unwilling to grant that man any gratuitous bits of satisfaction for tonight. Instead, he persuaded himself to stay motionless and endure the fact that his world was burning all around him.
"You must really be enjoying this," Kato taunted, pushing his hand into the back of Squall's pants, attempting to elicit a response. As he savored every inch of the brunette's cold, wet skin, Squall shifted and jerked his head to the side, trying to scatter the thoughts in his mind that seemed to orbit only around escaping from the horrible things that were being done to him.
'I hate him. I hate him so... much...'
He tried to turn completely inward, ignoring his stepfather's hands on his body. He had years of practice at this, but he still couldn't manage to block Kato's touch out completely. For a moment in which his mind seemed to wander into less traumatizing territories, he wondered, with almost childish innocence, how other people could possibly enjoy sexual intercourse – how anything this terrifying could ever feel good. The act itself was physically painful, even without the sickening emotional twist that Kato managed to add to it. Sometimes, Squall asked himself whether Kato was still sleeping with his mother, and whether he brought her any pleasure at all, but the thought itself almost caused the brunette to vomit.
The only good thing that had ever come from any of Kato's sexual advances was Squall's younger sister, Ellone.
'I can't believe that someone who is this fucking disgusting could manage to produce something so absolutely beautiful. She is perfect. I would never let him touch her.'
He let out a shaky breath, now absorbing the feeling of Kato's fingers gliding over his skin, lingering here and there, moving only to catch Squall off guard. There was no urgency driving Kato's movements, only perverse, playful patience.
'Why can't he just get it over with...?'
His fear felt like a stone in the pit of his stomach. He didn't know what Kato was waiting on, and that uncertainty caused Squall's panic to flare at last. He tried to collect his thoughts and think of anything but the man's hands on his body, but it wasn't working. He couldn't decide what was worse: the actual feeling of Kato raping him, or the knowledge that it was about to happen and that he could do absolutely nothing to stop him.
Suddenly, Kato's hand tightened around his throat, causing Squall to gag against the painful obstruction of his airway. He shifted and pushed his chin back, fighting for a breath. His hands reached backwards, attempting to push Kato away, but his efforts were to no avail.
"You've been fucking him, haven't you?" Kato hissed in a low, semi-growling tone that was spiked with hatred, which immediately caused Squall's struggles to still. "I bet he's been doing you all this time. That dumb little pisser of a football player."
"N-no," Squall pressed in a fragile, flattened tone of voice that was cracking due to the pressure Kato was exerting on his vocal chords. "I told... you... I haven't... ugh..."
"If you're lying to me," the man whispered now, pressing his mouth to Squall's ear, "I will break every bone in your two-faced little body. I will fuck you up until that cunt of yours will cry at the mere sight of you. And I won't stop with you, Squally boy. Rest assured of that."
With that, Kato pushed Squall away from him, never giving the boy a chance to work out just who the 'cunt' was that he had referred to. For some reason, the image of his mother shot into Squall's mind, and his stomach dropped. Kato was filled with a carnal viciousness and spite; even if there was one grain of goodness left in him, Squall was sure he'd never see it. How was he possibly going to keep his loved ones safe from a man who had no restraints on his own temper? Kato had no sense of morals, and the term 'boundaries' meant nothing to him at all.
He was completely insane.
Gasping for air, the brunette stood facing the edge of the pool, his eyelids fluttering as he was breathing rapidly in and out. He was waiting for the man to put his hands on him once more, every muscle of his body freezing up in anticipation.
The expected assault, however, never came to pass.
Squall heard movement in the water, and eventually, the sound of Kato climbing out of the pool and exiting the hall. The brunette didn't dare to turn his head. He simply remained standing stock still, feeling the water moving evenly around him... wondering just why Kato had spared him tonight.
'He has never... done this before.'
He shuddered, taking a deep breath against the tightness in his chest. Then, something inside of him seemed to dislodge. It was as if all of his walls came crashing down around him, burying him under weeks and months and years of abuse that he thought he could handle, but that had broken him a long time ago.
He collapsed against the edge of the pool, laying his head down in the crook of his elbow, crying like a child with his pants still halfway down his legs. Overwhelmed by fear, anger, relief, loneliness, pain and pure, heart-wrenching despair, he couldn't stop sobbing, even as his body was going into spasms and his knees nearly gave in on him. Every time he thought that he couldn't possibly hurt any more than he already did, Kato always managed to add yet another little nuance of abhorrence to his life.
As if Squall didn't already have enough things to be afraid of.
'I didn't lie... I never... Seifer and I never slept with each other... Kato can say nothing... nothing... I've done nothing wrong! Shit... ugh... Does he even know about the ball yet? He can't... I'm sure he would've said something... It's just a dance, he can't possibly think it has anything to do with sex... he can't... ugh...'
He didn't even know who he was defending himself to, or why he even saw the need to bother. No answer of his, no matter how truthful or right, would ever be anything but wrong to Kato's ears. Deep down, Squall was painfully aware of this, but for right now, he wanted to cling on to some pathetic concept of hope. His voice was thick and coated as he cried on, muttering senseless pleas and justifications against his own skin. Darkness was pouring in all around him. He looked for the world like a small, scared and disheveled human being that had grown up too fast and lost a kind of innocence that he would never be able to reclaim.
Still, there was a stubbornness and pride to him that would one day likely cost him his life.
Squall hadn't learned that his psyche could only take so much abuse before it cracked. Somehow, he still figured that he could cope, even through all the tears and all the vile memories collecting in the corners of his mind.
He didn't know that all of his coping mechanisms had failed from the first moment he had ever employed them, even many years before Kato had ever entered his life. He mistook his own strength for invulnerability, holding the firm belief that he needed no proper father figure, no protection from harm and no healthy outlet for the dark, shapeless emotions that always seemed to find their way through his veins into the cuts inflicted upon his own wrists. He had carefully constructed a spectacular scaffolding of lies and excuses that were intended to fool him just as much as anyone else, not knowing that everything would collapse on top of him at last.
It had only just begun.