Real or Not Real

I continued to call his name as I ran down the four connecting hallways on my floor, searching the perimeter desperately for any sign of him. My feet pounded frantically on the padded carpet and I could feel the drops of water from my hair staining the fabric below me. He couldn't have gone far, I assured myself. The pearl was still warm from his touch. That sensation was the only thing that kept me from breaking down into cataclysmic sobs. Crying was what had gotten me into this mess. I couldn't let my emotions slow me down and allow time to fester a mistaken wound. I had to fix this. I had to make it right.

But as I turned each empty corner I felt myself growing weaker and weaker. My heart clenched and my breathing quickened as a panic attack began to set in. Fear and disparity smothered me with every fruitless step I took. I felt cold and it hurt to inhale. My mind felt like it was racing in a million directions, causing a demented buzzing to fill my head, when in reality only one thought dominated my consciousness.

This was not happening. This was not real. This was the most not real hallucination I had ever had.

As I rounded back to my room, clutching my towel and Peeta's pearl to my chest, I continued to repeat it over and over again as though my entire sanity depended on the mantra.

"Not real, not real, it's not real…"

"Katniss."

I swung around and saw Gale chasing after me. In my rush I hadn't even processed his pursuit.

"Stay the hell away from me!" I screamed, the need for me to hold up my towel the only reason I didn't leap for his throat.

"Katniss, I swear I didn't mean for this to happen," he pleaded genuinely.

"I don't give a damn what you meant to happen!" I snapped viciously. "I was getting along just fine without you! I don't care about what we were or what you had to do because of the way you feel. You just ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me! So do me a favor and stay the fuck out of my life!"

Gale took a step back like I had slapped him in the face. The only thing I felt was a desire to push him further away.

"Catnip," he called soothingly, taking a diplomatic step forward. He was instantly pulled back by a huge dark hand that snatched his wrist. My shadow stood behind him, appearing out of nowhere and seething intimidatingly. The look of fear that crossed Gale's face squashed all unformed worries that Mikael was also in his payroll.

That, and the ID badge he threw in Gale's face, with a strip of Terrence's black shirt still attached to the clip.

Never one to back down from a fight, I expected Gale to protest my shadow's silent demand that he leave. A part of me almost wanted him to just so I could watch Mikael pummel him. Instead Gale straightened up, a look of extreme remorse crossing his chiseled face.

"I'm sorry, Katniss," he said simply, before turning around without looking back.

I spared no time dwelling on Gale's departure. Instead I burst into my room, grabbing a tank top and shorts to change into quickly. My shadow was posted faithfully outside my door as I rushed back into the hall.

"I have to go find Peeta," I told him seriously. "He saw me with Gale in my room and now he thinks…"

I broke off at the end of my sentence, unable and unwilling to voice just what Peeta might think. A look of alert flashed across my shadow's face. He paused for a moment, taking a deep sigh before removing his black sunglasses. Pale blue eyes stared back at me sadly, momentarily taking my breath away with the depth of their emotion.

"I'm helping you," he explained in a surprisingly soft tone, "because I like you too."

His kind and simple words left me floored. I was so full of appreciation for this powerful looking man I didn't register his scarred hand grabbing my arm and shoving me back into my room.

The heavy slip of the outside deadbolt drowned out my initial cry of rage. I shouted and cursed his name over and over again as I tugged and pounded manically on the door.

"No!" I half screamed, half sobbed. "No, you have to let me out! You can't do this to me!"

But apparently he could. No matter how hard I pounded or pulled the door would not budge. I rushed over to the far side of the room and grabbed the harsh metal chair sitting in the corner. When the legs bent backwards after I slammed it against what I had thought was only a wooden door I began to fully comprehend my predicament.

"No," I whispered fearfully, dropping the damaged chair to the floor. I was trapped. Caged in by a door that could apparently withstand a missile and guarded by a man who thought he had my best interest at heart and could probably snap me in half like a twig if it meant keeping me "safe".

My heart pounded loudly in my chest as though it too were trying desperately to escape. I replayed over and over what Peeta must have seen through the cracked door with a false hope that maybe it hadn't been as bad as I imagined. It only took me looking at the discarded damp towel that was all I had been wearing for my tears to drag me back to reality.

I had been so close, I thought miserably as I sank to the floor. I had had him back. It would have only been a few more days, maybe even less than that, for me to be back by his side permanently. He could have been sitting with me now telling me about his day and making me smile in that way only he could. Instead of the sinking, nauseating pit in my stomach I could be feeling the flutter of butterflies as he grabbed my hand, kissed my lips, caressed the skin of my back…

I wanted to blame Gale for this, but even in my anger I knew the true fault had been my own. I had had years to tell Peeta how I felt about him. I had been so hell bent on survival I never stopped to ask myself what I would want if I actually did. I should have taken the time to focus on what I really wanted in life. I could have had a better direction of what to do during my painful recovery after the bombing and Prim's death. I wouldn't have felt so lost, or confused, or suppressed the painfully obvious answer to my unspoken question as he held me in his arms each night.

I loved Peeta. A part of me had loved him since the day he had burned the bread to save my life. I had loved him for that long and I had never told him. And so now, even with his memories returning, he had no confirmation of how I felt. He had nothing but a plate of mixed messages in front of him, the most recent being me clinging naked to the only other man that had ever held my affections.

My body curled up into a ball as I sobbed relentlessly on the floor. There had been a time where if I had thought about what I wanted I would have chosen a life with Gale. I actually had decided that on multiple occasions. But now I knew that only Peeta could give me the happiness I wanted. Only Peeta could do the unthinkable and have my callous, stubborn heart actually think that life was good. Only Peeta could ever make me hope for better things.

And I had taken that hope and Peeta's infinite patience for granted.

I had lost him. There was no way I could explain what had happened and have him believe me. Fear trickled down my spine as I wondered in horror if the image had caused another relapse. I held my body tighter, praying it wasn't true. I couldn't live with myself if I had done that to him again. I wasn't worth it. I was just a wicked, useless girl who couldn't even get out of a room, let alone tell the most amazing person she knew that she loved him.

I was worthless. I was a stupid little nothing who needed to fade away into oblivion. I was awful, and wretched, and I was…

A flash of lightening filled my dark room as a gentle shower began to pour outside. The change in atmosphere startled me, to the point where I almost over looked the pearl that I had dropped to the floor. Instantly I reached out for it and pressed it to my lips. I closed my eyes, remembering the day Peeta had given it to me. I remembered the locket he had brought to remind me of all the things I had to live for. I remembered his jokes and his arms and his kisses and how stupidly easy it was to talk to him when I just let myself open up.

I remembered this, and then I realized what I really was.

I was Katniss Fucking Everdeen.

I did not let a door or a guard stand in my way. I did not burst into tears and wait for the end to find me when my existence and those that I loved were at stake. I did not give up after the first try. I was a hunter, I was quick, I was observant.

And then I saw I had a window.

I jumped off the floor and rushed towards it. I gripped the bottom tightly, expecting it to be a struggle to open, and was slightly shocked when the pane slid open effortlessly. The rain continued to come down lightly, highlighting how high eight stories up really was. But there was also a ledge that ran around the building just below the window. It wasn't even two feet wide, but it was an option. The best one I had.

I stepped out carefully on to the ledge and began to shimmy against the wall to move. I tested my steps, rounding slowly about the corner of the building to the adjacent side before I let myself focus on a plan. Thunder clashed somewhere in the distance, and I waited and hoped for its more useful counterpart to answer. When the lightening filled the sky I peered down again, and saw each story had its own ledge.

I took a deep breath, preparing to search each and every level if I had to, even if it meant finding a way to climb up to the ninth and tenth floor, when I saw it. The fluttering of a curtain being sucked out an open window two stories below me.

There was only one person I knew who would keep their window open in the rain.

My fear of the dizzying height was replaced by elation and desire. Still, I respected the danger of my situation and discarded my initial notion to rush. I took a deep breath as I crouched low to the ledge. When my belly lay flat on the concrete I flexed my core muscles and refused to think twice as I clutched the edge and spun my legs over. In one quick motion I launched my lower body off the brink of the building, tensed my arms, and swung myself against the wall of the seventh floor. I knocked against a window loudly, and for one terrifying moment I felt myself tip backwards. But for once luck was with me that night and I kept to my feet.

I clung desperately to the wall, exhaling a shaky breath as I looked down again. I knew I had just scaled a good twelve feet but the ground looked no closer. The prospect of making a second leap was more terrifying than the first as I felt certain there was no way I could replicate the success. Only knowing that Peeta was right below me gave me the strength to lie back on my stomach once more. I had to get to him. I had to.

As soon as I heard the last of my breath leave my lips I swung over the ledge again and actually landed in a graceful crouch.

"KATNISS!"

The shout startled me out of my mind, causing my knees to tremble and my feet to falter from lost balance. Two incredibly strong hands had me by the waist and pulled me into a warm room before I even had time to be afraid.

"What the hell were you doing?" Peeta demanded after carrying me as far away from the window as he could and dropping me to my feet. "Are you trying to get yourself killed!?"

My wildly beating heart jumped up into my throat upon seeing him. Without a word I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him. My cool, determined exterior evaporated as once again I was reduced to pitiful sobs. His warmth, his smell, his touch, his mere presence was incredibly overwhelming, especially after I had convinced myself I might never hold him again. I could barely think, let alone form a word. All I could do was break down in his arms, crying into his chest and clutching him like I could never let him go.

It took a moment for Peeta to respond. Eventually his arms went around me too, but slowly, hesitantly. Yet as time wore on and I refused to budge his embrace became more engulfing. I sobbed harder and he began to shush me, stroking my hair and kissing the tip of my forehead as he rocked us back and forth.

His simple comfort was all I ever wanted, and it made me feel infinitely worse.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry!" I finally managed to gasp, pulling away for a moment to look at him. The heartbroken expression on his face was like a knife buried deep in my chest.

"It's okay," he told me quietly as his eyes glued themselves to the floor. "I understand."

"No you don't!" I cried desperately, grasping his face as I begged for him to look at me. "It wasn't what it looked like! Gale…"

"I know what happened, Katniss," he stated firmly, peeling away from my hold. "I saw and heard everything."

"You…you what?"

Peeta stepped away from me, shifting guiltily in his stance before speaking again.

"I was coming to see you and saw Gale and Terrence burst into your room from the other hallway. He looked really upset and I was worried something was wrong so I came to the door. I thought Terrence saw me when he left but he was so focused on you…"

Peeta had to stop as he fought the murderous look on his face. I shrank back, remembering shamefully how I had dropped my towel in front of both Gale and that perverted guard. I had done so then in a rush of self-defense, but now I couldn't help but feel intrinsically dirty and awful. Gale and Terrence had seen me completely naked and Peeta hadn't. Knowing Peeta it was the way Terrence had been looking at me that angered him, but on top of everything else I couldn't help but feel like I had robbed him of something.

"I should have left when I just heard you two talking. Gale would never hurt you and I know you can handle yourself," he continued quietly, still barely looking me in the eye. "But I just never moved. I stood there right by the door and listened to everything you said."

I tried desperately to remember the conversation Gale and I had just had, but all that I remembered was my anger at him for slandering Peeta and for putting me in a situation that might cause me to lose the man I loved.

"Then you know I didn't want him there!" I expressed desperately. "You know I don't believe a word he said."

Peeta remained quiet, and it killed me to see he was fighting off tears.

"Maybe you should," he replied sadly.

"Wha-? What do you…?"

For most of my life I could never really decipher someone's motives. I could only understand primal driven instincts of fight or flight and survival. Even Gale, who I had known longer and more intimately than anyone, had me in the dark about what he really wanted or what he really meant most of the time. But with Peeta it was different. Peeta's motives were always pure and selfless. He had proven that time and time again.

So when what he had said settled into my mind I realized what he meant. I realized why he had dropped the pearl and ran, and why he was being distant now. It was not because he had seen me being held by Gale, crying half naked in his arms. And even though that had been my biggest fear a few seconds ago I now found myself desperately wishing that were the case, as that would have been easier to defend than what plagued Peeta now.

"Peeta, no," I stated firmly, vanquishing my sobs so I could speak clearly. "Gale was wrong. He just said all of those things because he still has feelings for me."

"That doesn't make what he said any less true," Peeta responded painfully. "What's to stop me from relapsing and hurting you again?"

"Peeta, that's not you who does that…"

"IT IS ME!" he shouted loudly, causing me to flinch as he rarely ever raised his voice.

"It is me, Katniss," he repeated in an apologetic tone. "It doesn't matter what happened to me, it's still my hands that hurt you. It was bad enough when I almost killed you back in Thirteen right after the hijacking, but look what's happened since then."

"Peeta, no."

"I broke your hand in the hospital."

"You were in pain!" I exclaimed quickly.

"No, I was sleeping without my medication. I heard your voice, and all I wanted to do was hurt you," he spat irately. "Just like last night when we were kissing."

"That was my fault!" I cut in frantically. "I pushed things too far and you were recovering from your relapse."

"Yeah, and what's to stop that from happening again?" he demanded. "That the hijacking still affects me is one thing, but I never imagined I could revert back to that state where I wanted to…to…"

He broke off his sentence, turning away from me in disgust.

"Peeta," I said as calmly and soothingly as I could. "That happened in an extreme situation. You saw me gunned down and then I disappeared in a puddle of blood. That's never going to happen again!"

"That guy is still out there," Peeta countered bitterly. "And even if he wasn't you think he's the only person who wants to kill us?"

I stopped, terror sinking in my bones as I realized where this conversation was heading.

"So what are you saying?" I demanded, too afraid to move or come to my own conclusion. The anger melted off Peeta's face until his handsome features twisted into a look of intense and painful remorse.

"I can't let myself keep hurting you," he said, his hands and voice shaking anxiously. "I won't risk doing anything that would put you in harm's way. I would do anything for you, Katniss, but I don't know now if I can protect you from myself."

"Stop it!" I demanded, my eyes stinging hot as I fought against every word coming out of his mouth.

"I have dreams all the time where I want to kill you, where I do kill you, and then I wake up next to you and for a moment…for a moment I still want to. I still have hijacking spells where I hallucinate and can't decipher what is real or not real. I should never have exposed myself to you like that, but I was weak. I lied to myself and said that I could control it and that we'd be okay. But now that I know that at any moment I might snap and revert back to a monster that will stop at nothing to hurt you? How…how can I stay with you, Katniss?"

My regrown sanity snapped into a thousand pieces at his question. It was like my every bone had been jerked out of my body, and at any moment gravity would slam me flat against the ground. Worst of all I could feel my heart shrivel painfully as all my love and hope and reason for existing bled out of me.

He couldn't be saying this. This was not real. Peeta couldn't leave me. This was not real. I could feel all the pain of loss and grief consume me as I watched him shrink back from me despondently. Not real. My mind was shutting down and I wanted nothing but to push past him and run away. There was no way I could survive this. No way I could fight knowing I would lose him. I couldn't do this. I couldn't handle this… this was not real… I…

"NO!" I shouted loudly, discarding my crippling thoughts. I threw my arms around his neck and forced my forehead against his so he couldn't move.

"No! You can't say that! You can't leave me!" I proclaimed.

"I have to," he replied miserably, struggling to ignore my tears as he gently tried to pry me off him.

I slammed my lips into his frantically, using my momentum to push us back against his wall. The sudden movement caught him off guard and for a moment he stood frozen. I cupped his face and kissed him with every ounce of desperate passion I had welled inside me. I wept in frustration as his lips remained stationary.

"Katniss, don't do this," he asked sadly as he began to pull away.

"You don't do this!" I screamed childishly as I tried to secure my hold on him in vain.

"I can't stay with you, Katniss!" he yelled, his expression fierce with rage. "I can't stay and risk jeopardizing your life. I won't do that and that's final!"

My open palm connected with his face, slapping him hard across the cheek and making him stumble to the side.

"Don't you know you're the only reason I have a life!" I screeched recklessly as he caught his balance. Peeta cupped his face, staring at me with wide, stunned eyes.

"Don't you know that you're the only reason why I haven't tried to kill myself?" I continued, my voice cracking as tears streamed violently down my face. "That all the torture, and the pain, and the grief are all worth suffering through because no matter what has happened to me I still have you? I am sometimes floored at how much I want to live, because when I'm with you I see what I would miss if I weren't. The smell of fresh bread, stupid songs about flowers, orange sunsets that mean soon I get to crawl into bed next to you… with everything that could have destroyed me it's the little things that have saved me, and it's all because of you. You never gave up on me or anything else. You always had hope in people and in life and you infect everyone around you with your goodness. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. So don't you dare tell me you're leaving me to save my life, Peeta Mellark! Because you are my life, and without you I have nothing but nightmares."

I exhaled a violent breath after my intensely personal outburst. My heart raced uncontrollably and my pulse pounded so hard I could feel it reverberating in my ears.

This was the time I usually ran. I had exposed myself, left myself completely vulnerable. I had just admitted out loud to him and myself that I couldn't live without him. That he held supreme power over me and could strip my soul away by merely walking out the door. It was my biggest fear realized, and I should have bolted out as fast as I could.

But I stayed. I stood my ground and looked straight into his eyes and let him know I meant every word I said. I needed him, but more importantly I wanted him. And if I had any chance at keeping him I needed to stay.

Peeta looked like he had the wind knocked out of him. His whole body went tight as he began to shake, and for a moment I thought he might be fighting a hijacking spell. But when he started struggling against his sobs I knew it was not the poison in his cerebral cortex that tortured him. It was me. It was me thrashing through his logic and telling him something he always wanted to hear. It was me saying I needed him as much as he needed me, and begging him not to go even though he knew leaving was the safest thing for us.

It might have been more humane to just let him go, but I didn't care. I had lost too much already. I was not going to lose him. I would fight for Peeta with my dying breath.

So again I did not run. I stayed, fresh tears streaming down my face as his own started to appear.

"Katniss, I don't want to leave you-"

"Then don't," I pleaded sadly, the last of my fire burning out with my heart-bearing admission. "Stay with me, Peeta. We'll find some way to work this out. There hasn't been a damn thing you and I haven't been able to overcome as long as we stayed together. Stay with me, please. Don't leave me…don't leave me…"

I pushed my lips on to his again, kissing him desperately as I gasped on my sobs. My heart suspended weakly in my chest, held together only by feeling his touch against me. I knew if he pulled away that I was done for. I would be broken beyond repair, and I truly would have lost it all. I had never been more terrified or been more vulnerable than in that moment, and I felt myself cracking with every second he didn't respond.

Then, finally, he moved.

I gasped in wrenching shock as I felt his lips mold against mine. His arms wrapped around me tightly until I conformed to chest. He kissed me passionately, uninhibited, possessively. I collapsed like a ragdoll into his arms. I was so overwhelmed with joy and love and relief I felt like I was going to fall apart.

But as always Peeta kept me together. He held me up and kissed me with a hunger I had never experienced. I could hardly keep up with his lips and touches at first. I couldn't even fully comprehend what it all meant.

But then it hit me.

"Peeta!" I moaned, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him back with every ounce of fire I had in me. He picked me up by the waist, never breaking our embrace as he walked us over and spilled us on to the bed. I yanked on his dress shirt and pulled him on top of me, needing to feel all of his weight bearing down on me so I could close my eyes and know he was still there. That he wasn't about to slip away. That this was real and not a dream or a hallucination or his twisted way of saying goodbye.

"Real or not real?" I gasped, tearing my lips from his as I suddenly needed him to say the words. Peeta looked at me with dazed but concerted eyes, panting and shaking slightly as he pulled away. I sat up, pushing him back into a seated position so I could climb into his lap. He remained silent as I ran my fingers through his curls and gently stroked the cheek still red from where I had slapped it.

"You're not going to leave me over this," I poised firmly. "Real or not real?"

"I'll always want to be with you," he replied softly, kissing my neck as my face fell in disappointment. He lifted up my chin and forced me to look in his eyes.

"I will always love you. I will always want to be there for you," he continued.

"You have enough faith in us to work through this," I rephrased, shaking him slightly to get him to focus on my question. "Real or not real?"

"Well…real, but…"

"You trust that I know that it will always be hard, that we'll both always have our demons, but that no matter what I will always be there for you to get you past them," I stated. "Real or not real?"

Peeta sat back for a moment, fighting against the smile that eventually dominated his face.

"Real," he replied with timid resolve.

"You're the only "option" I'll ever want," I whispered sultrily, pressing myself closer to his chest. "Real or not real?"

"Why don't you tell me?" he asked, running his hands slowly up the side of my hips until a tingle spilled down my spine.

I responded by pushing him so his head lay at the foot of the bed. I straddled his waist, feeling his prick freely through the thin fabric of my shorts. He gasped when I thrust against him, fitting him between my thighs and rubbing against his length slowly. The rush of riding him, the flushed and slick sensation it caused me to have, and how he couldn't seem to help bucking against me himself caused me to moan my next word.

"Real…" I somehow managed to sputter.

We attacked each other. Peeta shot back up, wrapping his arms around me as I continued to thrust against him. We kissed frantically, and even though we were pressed together he was still not close enough. I tugged quickly on the hem of his undershirt, ripping it off his body and flinging it to the floor. My hands cascaded across his chest and biceps, feeling the novel and familiar curves beneath my fingertips. He thrust against me roughly, causing me to jump and gasp and return to looking at his face. He kissed me tenderly, gently running his hands up my sides and peeling off my tank top. I rocked against him rhythmically as he touched and kissed my breasts. His hot, panted breaths against my chest caused my skin to flush and tingle. One of his hands slipped down to my hips, steadying my wild thrusts into a slow, purposeful cant. I rolled my head back in pleasure, adjusting my position slightly so his measured movements rubbed against me just right. A choked whimper escaped my throat as he continued to kiss and knead my breast with his skilled hands. The joint sensations were so overwhelming I felt myself slipping away into a deep pleasure I had never felt before. And for once I didn't analyze what that meant aside from it being an edge I definitely wanted to fall over.

I raised my hips up slightly, enough so I could slip my hand between our hips and down Peeta's boxers. His cock was smooth, and hot and so hard it made me quake. I gripped him firmly, sliding his length up and down my loose fist, reveling in the shuddered groans he released against my neck at the contact. I kept my pace in concert with his thrusts, feeling him practically melt against me as I steadied my motions.

I soon grew frustrated that he still had clothes on. I gently released my grip on him and grabbed the hem of his boxers.

"Katniss, wait," Peeta choked, acting as though he could think and breathe for the first time in minutes. I jerked my head up quickly, and my racing heart sank at the pained look on his face.

"What is it?" I croaked self-consciously, pulling my hand away from his waist and immediately covering my bare chest. Peeta gently grabbed my arms to stop me from my increasing shame, stroking them tenderly as he gathered his words.

"Are you sure that this is what you want?" he asked difficultly. "That I'm what you want?"

"Peeta!" I exclaimed incredulously, hating myself for him needing to ask that question.

"I'm only asking because… because I'm pretty sure the only way I can stay away from you is if you wanted me too. I'm really scared that I might do something awful, but I'm dumb enough and respect you enough to hope we can make this work. I love you so much, Katniss, and if you're sure you want me to stay I promise I won't ever bring up leaving again."

My heart clenched in my chest. He couldn't have said anything more perfect to express and assure me of his feelings. I should have thrown my arms around him and kissed him wildly. Now, more than ever, was the time to tell him that I loved him too. He was more than I would ever deserve, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life trying to. He was my everything, and he had earned it a million times over to be told that.

But my throat choked up. The last of my reserve and my fear of loving someone that strongly, that intimately, dragged the words away from my tongue violently. I hated myself and my inability to overcome this last barrier with him at such a pivotal moment. I wanted to scream. But instead I did the one other thing I could think of doing. The one other thing I could do to show him I was ready and wanted that intimacy with him and him alone, and that I never wanted him to leave my side.

I grabbed his hand in mine and softly dragged it down my sternum. My stomach fluttered as he caressed it, following my guidance without a word. I stopped our hands at the hem of my shorts, pressing my body up against his so I could feel his rugged heart beat in time with mine.

"I want you, Peeta," I whispered as I slid his hand down to the soaked meeting of my thighs. "In every way possible, I want you."

Peeta let out a rugged breath as I released his hand. I moaned in pleasure as he gently explored me, rubbing his finger along the lining of my lips and using my own wetness as he circled my clit.

I collapsed against him, whimpering in heated delight as his artisan fingers continued their light strokes. He continued to caress my outer lining, teasing my entrance without actually penetrating. I found myself squirming wildly against his touch, gasping in ecstasy while still craving more.

"I love you," I mouthed wordlessly against his neck, kissing and sucking on his skin as I struggled for breath. I cried aloud blissfully as he slid one finger, and then another into my slit. He pumped into me steadily, following my rhythm as I rocked against him. I felt a heated passion build up as he worked his fingers inside me. I clutched his hair and curled my toes as I felt awash with a sexual desire I had never known.

After a few moments of this he withdrew his fingers and hooked them around the side of my shorts. I took a deep and calming breath before pressing my legs together and sitting up straight. He pulled them down slowly, kissing my stomach and stroking my back as he pulled the fabric down my legs and off my toes. I felt myself flush in self-conscious embarrassment, yet a part of me was wildly thrilled that he couldn't take his eyes off me. Peeta gently laid me down against the pillows, kissing me softly as I stretched out across the bed. I forced myself not to try and cover my body as he pulled away and looked at me. He stroked down my chest and stomach, hips and thighs with the back of his hand, flipping his fingers over occasionally to draw lazy circles on my skin.

"You're so beautiful," he proclaimed as he leaned down to kiss me. I pulled him close, tugging on his neck until his body was on top of mine. I caught his kiss happily, whimpering as he gently canted against my hips. My hands went to his thighs, tugging down his boxers the best I could until he took the reins and wiggled out of them himself. When he leaned back over me I could feel his stiff prick rubbing against my clit. I gripped to him tightly as he wet the length of his shaft with my juices. The sensation was raw and powerful and sent spasms to my stomach. Soon the contact came to be too much yet not enough. I released my tight grip on him and sank lower on the bed, spreading my legs apart and adjusting my hips up. He fit between my thighs eagerly, and though I could feel his hard length pressed against me he made no further movements.

After a few moments I tensed up, feeling grossly self-conscious and undesirable as he suspended himself above me with shut eyes.

"What's wrong?" I finally asked, failing to hide the timidity out of my voice.

Peeta's eyes shot open, wincing apologetically as though he hadn't realized what he had been doing.

"I…I mean…I don't want to sound like a broken record or…well, a pussy for that matter, but I don't want to hurt you."

I couldn't help my barked laugh that escaped from his uniquely phrased concern. Peeta grinned sheepishly, and like that the powerful tension and unspoken expectation disappeared. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him affectionately as he laughed against my neck.

"It'll be okay," I told him softly, kissing his cheek with a smile. "Just go slow."

Peeta nodded, stroking my hair and kissing me sweetly. I felt the anticipation build back up as our passions grew more heated, but this time I enjoyed every second of the wait. Peeta's hand slipped back down my stomach, stroking my clit somewhat clumsily as his fingers shook with nerves. I kissed his cheek and shoulder as he grabbed his cock and pressed it up against my opening.

For a moment we looked at each other, and I swore I felt the accumulation of everything that had lead us up to this point pass between us. A spark ignited in my heart, and without a doubt I knew that this was the man I was meant to be with. And even though I didn't believe in soul mates, ours were undeniably and forever tied together.

I buried my head against his neck as he slowly slid himself inside me. It took everything I had not to cry out as my body stretched around him. I felt like my insides were being scraped out, and when I felt the internal 'pop' I couldn't help but bite down hard into his shoulder.

"Katniss," Peeta choked out a few seconds later. I unclenched my teeth and took a steadying breath. When I opened my eyes I saw his face red from restraint. I looked between us and was amazed to see he was only about half way inside me.

"We can stop," he implored through a shaky voice. "If it hurts too much…"

I responded with shut eyes and a violent thrust, pushing him inside me until he sunk to the hilt. We both cried out loudly, gasping for breath as we clung to each other for grounding. I panted heavily, feeling like I had been split in two…and yet I could feel immense pleasure as well. For once my feelings and emotions detracted from the physical pain as I realized I was whole. Every time I found myself wanting more when Peeta held me, this was what I had wanted. I felt so intensely connected with him it was like we were one entity, and this feeling trumped the cramping in my womb and fueled me with passion and ecstasy.

This had been what I had been running from my whole life, this need, this want, this dependency.

I was a fucking idiot.

"Are you okay?" he murmured against my ear softly.

"More than," I muttered, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him fervently. Peeta moaned into my mouth and began rolling his hips against mine gently. The movement stretched and tore me further, yet at the same time I felt his cock pressing against something inside me I had only read about in health class, causing that pleasurable knot in my stomach to intensify. The mix of pain and pleasure and intimacy was so overwhelming I began to slip back to that alarming edge.

"Katniss, you feel amazing," Peeta groaned. "I just…I don't think I'll be able to last much longer."

I nodded in understanding, feeling the same and reminding myself while this excursion was about to end, this was actually just the beginning.

After a few more thrusts Peeta moaned loudly, withdrawing from me quickly. A few seconds later I felt him shudder as warm liquid pooled on to my stomach: District Twelve's official method of birth control.

"Oh, Katniss!" he groaned, hanging his head down as he panted heatedly. "That was…oh no, Katniss!"

His sudden tone of concern ripped me out of my elated state. I jerked up and followed his eye line to my stomach. It was not, as I had expected, his seed that ran down my thighs. It was blood. My blood. And a lot of it.

"Shit!" I shouted in embarrassment, rushing to grab my discarded tank top. It seemed to be everywhere. On me, on the sheets, and most horrifyingly on Peeta.

"Katniss, are you okay?" he asked frantically as he reached for his own shirt.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I begged as I moved to wipe him off. A struggle ensued as he tried to push me away so he could clean off my thighs. I stood my ground, horrified at the ridiculous amount of blood compared to how much the experience had actually hurt.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed…"

"You didn't push, I pushed!"

"Well I should have stopped you."

"When the hell has that ever worked?" I demanded in frustration. Peeta took one look at the irritated scowl on my face and broke out into a smile. I melted inside, loving him all the more for knowing I was okay because I had gotten angry.

Without another word we discarded our stained shirts and latched on to one another. We kissed uninhibitedly, grasping on to each other passionately. I felt a flood of overwhelming emotion striking me so hard it took me awhile to sort out that it was pure, unadulterated happiness. Tears stung my eyes as I clung to him, finally having him the way I always should have.

Well, almost the whole way.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, rocking us back and forth as we sat together on the bed.

"Peeta, that was the most incredible thing I've ever experienced," I exclaimed. "I was so afraid that I was too late and that I had let you slip away. I was so stupid to keep you waiting! You're the most amazing, the most wonderful human being and I…and I want to tell you that I… and I don't know why I'm still so afraid to just say that I…"

Peeta grabbed my face, wiping away my tears with his thumbs as he steadied my emotional breakdown.

"You love me," he whispered. "Real or not real?"

I smiled, praising the stars that this wonderful man had inexplicably tied himself to me, and told him, "Real."