Indifference

A/N: I was bored, so I wrote this while listening to Lady Gaga on repeat.

"Narrow your eyes."

Valkyrie narrowed her eyes.

"That's excellent eye-narrowing, Valkyrie, well done. Now press your lips together."

Valkyrie pressed her lips together, looking threatening. Skulduggery nodded approval.

"Great job," he said. "I think that's the Interrogation face perfected."

"Yay," said Valkyrie.

"Now," said Skulduggery, "onto Indifference. This is easy. Completely relax your face. That's right. COMPLETELY RELAX IT."

"It's completely relaxed."

"Now, think of blank pages and bored fish and paint drying. Really make me feel your indifference. I WANT TO FEEL YOUR INDIFFERENCE! THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH VALKYRIE! YOU HAVE TO REALLY MAKE ME FEEL YOUR INDIFFERENCE!"

"I'M TRYING!" Valkyrie shouted.

Skulduggery shook his skull. "No. No, no, no, no, no. Indifferent people do not shout! THEY KEEP THEIR VOICES BLANK AND WITHOUT EMOTION!"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP MY VOICE BLANK AND WITHOUT EMOTION IF YOU KEEP YELLING AT ME?" Valkyrie screamed.

Skulduggery roared "YOU'RE LOSING YOUR TEMPER VALKYRIE! STOP LOSING YOUR TEMPER!"

"I'M TRYING!" Valkyrie yelled.

"ACT LIKE CAELAN!" Skulduggery yelled.

Valkyrie relaxed her facial muscles into a blank, dead-eyed stare.

Skulduggery nodded. "Nooow you've got it. When people interrogate you, Valkyrie, you must always give them this blank stare. Show no emotion. Got that? No emotion whatsoever."

"Got it."

"Great. Now, I want you to practise your indifferent voice. Say the following sentence: 'Skulduggery Pleasant is an amazing genius.'"

"Skulduggery Pleasant is an amazing genius," Valkyrie repeated indifferently.

"Oh, come on, Valkyrie. A bit more feeling."

"I thought I was supposed to be indifferent?"

Skulduggery sounded hurt. "Valkyrie, no-one should say that sentence in an indifferent way!"

Valkyrie sighed. "Fine! SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT IS AN AMAZING GENIUS!"

"Fabulous. OK, now back to indifference. I will proceed to interrogate you and possibly bombard you with unexpected information, but no matter what I say, you must keep a straight face. Understood?"

"Understood."

Skulduggery suddenly yelled "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CRIME?"

Valkyrie was confuzzled. "What crime?"

"Actually, you're supposed to say calmly, 'I do not know anything about this crime,'" Skulduggery corrected her, 'but the confused approach works too! Well done for showing initiative."

"Thanks."

"Now please do as I tell you in future."

"Yes, Skulduggery."

"So. Indifference." Skulduggery put on a shocked voice. "Oh, Valkyrie, terrible news! Your hamster has just died!"

"I don't have a hamster," said Valkyrie.

Skulduggery was frustrated. "You don't have to have a hamster! Just act indifferent!"

"Sorry."

"Now, again - Oh, Valkyrie, terrible news! Your hamster has just died!"

She blinked indifferently. "Oh."

"Excellent," said Skulduggery approvingly. "You're learning. Right, onto the next test." He put his hand on his heart - or at least, where his heart used to be - in mock disbelief. "Oh, Valkyrie, wonderful news!" he squealed. "Your mother has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl!"

Valkyrie sat up and screamed. "OHMIGOSH REALLY?"

Skulduggery sighed. "This is going to take a long time..."

Just then, Caelan burst in, wearing a blonde Hannah-Montana style wig and a frilly dress. 'GUYS!' he shrieked. 'I'M GONNA BE A MOTHER!'

'What? No you're not. It's my mum who's having a baby,' said Valkyrie.

'YOUR MOTHER IS NOT HAVING A BABY!' Skulduggery yelled at her. 'THAT WAS PART OF THE TEST!'

'Ohhhhh.' A look of crushing disappointment crossed Valkyrie's face. Skulduggery felt slighty guilty for a second, but Caelan in a wig and dress was too distracting to let him focus on his guilt for long.

'Is he part of the test, too?' Valkyrie asked.

'No, he is not,' said Skulduggery with as much dignity as he could.

'OK. Caelan. I have to ask. Why are you cross-dressing, and why do you seem to think you're pregnant?' Valkyrie enquired.

'I'm not pregnant,' said Caelan in an unusually high-pitched, girlish voice. 'I'm adopting! I'm going to have a little baby girl! Or boy! Isn't it just beautiful?'

'Your dress isn't,' said Valkyrie bluntly.

Caelan didn't seem to notice the insult. He did a twirl. 'I'm in a wig and dress because I've come to a crossroads in my life where I realised that to be happy, I have to be in touch with the true me. And if the true me is feminine, then I'm going to be a woman. I want you to call me Kayla from now on.'

'That shouldn't be difficult,' said Skulduggery. 'I've been calling you that in my head for years. It'll be so refreshing to be able to say it out loud.'

Caelan smiled a lipsticky smile. 'And Valkyrie, I want you to be godmother to my child!'

'That's probably not a good idea,' warned Skulduggery.

Valkyrie ignored him. 'Sure! And Caelan - I mean Kayla?'

'Yes, dear?'

'Now that you're a woman, does that mean you'll stop asking me out and stuff?' Valkyrie asked hopefully.

Caelan/Kayla blinked thoughtfully. 'Well, yes, probably.'

Valkyrie did a little happy dance.

'Valkyrie,' said Skulduggery. 'Indifference please.'

'Oh sorry,' said Valkyrie and stopped happy dancing.

'Well, bye-bye chickies!' cooed Caelan, blowing them a kiss. 'I've got to dash. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, you know!'

He skipped away.

'I think I definitely prefer the new Caelan to the old one,' said Valkyrie.

'So do I, orange one,' said Skulduggery. 'So do I.'

A/N: Couldn't resist the Potter Puppet Pals reference. XD