Chapter 25: We Got Ahead Of Ourselves

~Blaine's POV~

'Why did this have to happen Blaine? We didn't even get very far and I just fucking freaked out like a-'

'Hey, listen to me... don't do that.'

'Why Blaine?'

'I'm so sorry Kurt... and I wish I could tell you why, but I don't have the answer.'

Kurt laughed without any trace of humour. 'You always have the answer though. You're supposed to have all the right words at the right time.'

'Not always. But I think... maybe...'

'What? Don't spare my feelings; just say what you're thinking.'

'We weren't ready,' I said quietly. 'We got ahead of ourselves.'

'No, you mean I wasn't ready. This is my problem Blaine, not yours. I just don't understand it. Everything was coming together. I'm a proper teacher now, I was off the anti-depressants, we moved in toge-'

'Wait, I thought you were still on the medication?' I interrupted.

'No, I stopped taking them,' Kurt said quietly.

'Oh. Why?'

'Because I was happy... I didn't need them anymore.'

'It doesn't always work like that. Did you at least stop them gradually?'

Kurt shook his head. I wasn't going to pursue it now and it really wasn't the right time considering what Kurt was going through. He started to cry softly and I shifted closer, putting an arm around him and was pleased when he moved himself into my embrace and rested his head on my chest. I kissed the top of his head.

'It's going to be ok.'

'I'm s-sorry.'

'No Kurt you have nothing to be sorry about.'

'I wanted to b-be perfect for you.'

I had to choke back a sob. 'You are perfect to me. You always have been. How I feel about you… I've never felt that way before. I was waiting for you Kurt, just waiting for you to turn up in my life, because you're it for me. I mean, it's a bit of a cheek you've made my dog love you more, but I guess I can live with that.'

Kurt laughed and snuggled in closer to me. 'Thank you.'

'What for?'

'For being you. For always… just being there.'

'I'll always be here Kurt. I'm not going anywhere.'

I wasn't sure how long we were there but we sat in comfortable silence until Kurt started yawning. 'Tired?'

Yeah,' Kurt said sleepily.

'Do you want to go home?' I asked, even though technically my apartment was home for Kurt. But I wanted to give him the choice. If going back to his Dad's for the night was better for him then I was fine with that. But he shook his head, signalling no. Just then, Joey padded into the bathroom and sat in front of Kurt, his head tilted to the side slightly as though he knew something was wrong. Kurt sat up and I immediately felt a loss without him in my arms. His face softened as he smiled at Joey. An idea suddenly occurred to me.

'Would you like to sleep in the spare room with Joey?'

Kurt turned to look at me for a moment before looking back at Joey. 'Would that be ok?' he asked quietly.

'Of course.'

I stood up and Kurt began to remove the duvet from him, but I stopped him, helping him up to his feet instead with it still wrapped tightly around him. After all, he the one with no clothes on. 'No keep the duvet, I'll take the one from the spare room.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah,' I smiled.

I picked Joey up and he yapped at me, wriggling about to be freed to go back to Kurt. I walked out of the bathroom, putting Joey down at the doorway of the spare room. Then I went and gathered up Kurt's clothes and his nightwear from my room and returned to find Kurt standing by what would his bed for the night. I put his things on the bedside table before lifting off the duvet from the bed.

'Is there anything else you need?' I asked and immediately cursed myself for sounding so formal and stupid.

'No, I'm set,' Kurt replied as Joey jumped up onto the bed and looked at him expectantly. I rolled my eyes and Kurt smiled.

'I'm just across the hall,' I said to Kurt. 'Come and wake me at any time ok?'

'Ok, night Blaine.'

'Night.'

I went back into my room, threw the duvet down and sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh. How could I let this happen? It was partly my fault. I should have insisted we wait, talked about it more, built up to it in stages. But my stupid hormones got in the way, of course I was desperate to have sex with Kurt, to make him feel completely and utterly loved, pleasured and wanting to do it all again as soon as it was over. But deep down I had a feeling Kurt probably wasn't completely ready for that. I'm a fucking psychologist for christ sake, why didn't I go with my head? I was such an idiot, things had been going great between us. Better than great in fact. I can see how Kurt thought we were invincible, he'd made love to me and although that was a major step, being top was completely different to being a bottom.

I turned the bedside lamp off which plunged the room into darkness and laid down. I felt my eyes begin to water and ended up crying myself to sleep, not for myself but for Kurt.

I woke up, hearing sounds coming from the hallway as I'd left my door wide open before going to sleep. It was still dark outside the window and I looked at my glowing green alarm clock on the bedside table which said 06:03. I got out of bed and rubbed at my eyes before going out into the lit hallway. Kurt was by the front door, bent down and attaching a lead to an excitable Joey.

'Hey,' I said and Kurt's head snapped up to look at me. He looked disappointed at being caught.

Kurt stood up and cleared his throat. 'Hi... sorry did I wake you?'

'It's ok,' I smiled. 'What's going on?'

'I'm just taking Joey for a walk.'

'But it's six in the morning.'

Kurt shrugged. 'I know but... I couldn't sleep.'

'Well I'm up now; shall I make us some coffee? We can-'

'Blaine, I really want to take Joey out.'

'Can't it wait?'

'No.'

'Ok, well give me a minute to get dressed and I'll come with you.'

I was about to turn back to the bedroom when Kurt said, 'I want to go alone.'

After what happened last night I didn't really want to be apart from Kurt, but maybe a walk would be good for him? 'Right. Um... I'll make us breakfast then, for about seven?'

Kurt looked to the floor briefly before answering. 'No thanks, I don't know if I'll be back by then.'

'I see,' I replied, not really seeing at all. 'Well I'll make you something that will keep for a bit longer then, so when you get back it-'

'Blaine just stop.'

Kurt was looking at me as though I was an incredibly annoying toddler or something. What had I said that irritated him so much? 'Stop what?'

Kurt sighed. 'Talking. Just stop talking.'

'Oh... sorry.' It wasn't like Kurt to be this abrupt and he was worrying me. So I couldn't help myself when he reached for the front door handle. 'Kurt please, just stay here and-'

'Let me go Blaine,' Kurt shouted and with authority in his voice. I was a little taken aback and it was clear Kurt wasn't in the mood for the gentle approach. He just wanted to get out. But he seemed ok when we both went to sleep last night, I guess lying awake with only his thoughts for company he'd built up all the old insecurities again. 'I need to clear my head, please don't argue with me.'

'I'm sorry,' I said, trying to give him a warm smile. 'I'll see you in a bit then?'

'Yeah.'

Kurt turned away from me and left the apartment with Joey. I was left with complete silence. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was too awake to go back to sleep. So I went to make a coffee and just wait for Kurt to get back, we needed another talk.

~Kurt's POV~

I lost track of time. Without a watch or my phone on me I had no idea how much time had been passing, so when I got back to the apartment and Blaine was opening the front door a millisecond after my key had gone in the lock, I knew it had been a while. Two or three hour's maybe?

Blaine was stood there, his hair wild and curly, looking both stressed and relieved at seeing me in one piece. But I wasn't a child; I could go wherever I pleased. I stepped inside and unclipped Joey's lead and he ran off down the hallway.

'Jesus Kurt, where have you been?' Blaine asked shortly as I closed the door behind me. Was he serious?

'I took Joey out, you know that... or where you sleep walking this morning?'

'But you went out six hours ago.'

Really? Six hours? Shit. I didn't really know what to say. 'Oh I didn't realise,' I mumbled.

'What were you doing all this time?'

'Nothing,' I shrugged childishly. 'We went for a walk... then to the park.'

I went down the hallway and into the kitchen, suddenly desperate for a coffee. Of course Blaine followed me in there. 'Kurt don't just walk away from me when we're discussing something.'

I turned to face Blaine and crossed my arms over my chest. 'I thought we'd finished. I took Joey out, end of story.'

'Don't you get it? I was worried sick about you.'

'Why?'

'You're asking why? Really?' Blaine shook his head and sat down at the kitchen table looking completely drained.

'I don't understand why you're being so... weird.'

Blaine looked up at me, anger clear on his face now. 'So I'm not allowed to care, is that it? Do my feelings not count for anything?'

I laughed and threw my hands up in the air. 'Why are you making this into an issue Blaine? I went out for a bit, so fucking what.'

'Yes you went out; I'm not begrudging you that. But Kurt last night you... you... and then you leave the apartment at six in the morning and there's no word from you for hours and-'

'What? Did you think I was gonna try and kill myself or something?'

Blaine's face immediately softened at my words and he stood up and came nearer to me. 'No of course not... I just...'

'Oh my god, you... you thought I might have done something stupid don't you?'

'No,' he replied, shaking his head. 'It's just, after what happened last night you can't blame me for being concerned and-'

'I'm not a fucking textbook or some god damn case study,' I shouted. 'I'm a human being.'

'Calm down,' Blaine said softly, which just seemed to grate on my nerves even more. He was using his 'therapist' voice and it pissed me right off.

'Don't tell me to calm down.'

'Look, why don't I make us both a coffee and then we can talk about-'

'No, just leave me alone Blaine.'

I rushed out of the kitchen and to the spare room, Blaine hot on my heels. I turned at the doorway and looked at him. 'What?'

'Kurt please, don't just shut me out and-'

'You know, talking isn't the solution to everything,' I said and closed the door on Blaine.

~Blaine's POV~

It was Monday lunchtime and I was sitting at the desk in my office, eating a homemade sandwich and the weekend's events going round and round in my head now I didn't have a client to focus my attention on for the next hour. Monday's were crap anyway, but this one just took the biscuit. Kurt and I had barely spoken a word to each other for the rest of Sunday and he slept in the spare room again overnight. A couple of times I tried to approach him to talk but he completely bit my head off.

I hated that he was shutting me out. But at least he hadn't run back to Burt and Carole, that was something at least. I did cross my mind that after our argument on Sunday he would just pack a bag straightaway and leave so I was pleased he didn't, not to mention I'd probably have Burt on my doorstep demanding to know what I'd done.

I guess I just needed to give Kurt the time and space he wanted to process what had happened and once we sat down and had a proper talk about everything he would feel a lot better and we could move on.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by my phone ringing. I smiled as I saw the display saying my friend Simon was calling. We hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks. 'Hey Simon.'

'I'm in love Blaine.'

I laughed out loud for the first time since Saturday and it felt really good. 'Ok.'

'What's so funny B?'

'You need to ask?'

'Er, yeah.'

'You fall in love about three times a week, it's hardly headline news.'

'Are you calling me a whore?' he asked, not sounding at all offended by my insinuation.

'Yeah I am sweetheart.'

Simon laughed. 'Fair point. But seriously, this time it's different.'

'Sure,' I replied sarcastically,

'I think he might be the one.'

'Oh yeah?'

'Yeah. Oh god, you should see him Blaine. He's so fucking hot.'

I shook my head and rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me. Simon's conquest stories were always highly amusing. He never said anything good about their personalities, just a review of their bodies. 'Well text me a picture of him and I'll give you my verdict.'

'Hmm... a naked one or a clothed one?'

'Oh my god, clothed.' I don't know how I would explain a photo of a naked stranger on my phone to Kurt. There was no way I was going to risk that.

'Are you sure?' Simon asked.

'Definitely. Keep it PG.'

'You'll be missing out; he's got this line of hair that-'

'So where did you find this one then?' I asked, interrupting him.

'He came to my work place to give a talk on some environmental shit.'

'Well you certainly paid attention to the subject matter.'

'We basically eye fucked through the whole presentation. Then I stayed behind and gave him my business card. He's perfect, great abs, cute bum and his dick was so-'

'Ok I've heard enough,' I said loudly. 'I'm very happy for you.'

'Talking of dick, when are you going to let me meet this man of yours? I promise I won't bite, unless you're both up for a threesome.'

'Eww, I'm in the middle of eating my lunch Simon.'

'Oh stop being such a prude. So when can I meet him? We could catch up over drinks one night this week if you fancy?'

I was tempted and it was a really nice idea but with things the way they were at the moment there was no way I could make concrete plans, and Simon was a little full on for the average person, let alone Kurt. 'I'd love to Si but we're a bit busy at the moment, he's just moved in over the weekend so lots of unpacking and stuff going on.'

'Jesus, you don't hang around. Ship one out and ship one in.'

'We've been together a few months, it wasn't a rash decision,' I said a little defensively.

'I'm just kidding with you.'

'Sorry, I just... well Kurt's it for me and I get a bit touchy.'

'You're seriously adorable Blaine. Honestly, I'm happy for you man.'

'Thanks. Actually I was going to call you this week anyway and invite you to our moving in party Saturday after next?'

'Awesome, I am so there. Oh guess who I bumped into over the weekend?'

'Um... I don't know... that Professor you slept with in college?'

'No... although I wonder what he's up to these days...'

'Probably still married to his wife,' I suggested and Simon laughed. At the time my twenty year old self had been horrified by Simon having sex with a thirty-something married man but we could laugh about it now.

'Oh my god Blaine, it was like sleeping with a horny sixteen year old.'

'You know, the details aren't necessary.'

'Sorry. Anyway, I bumped into Mark. He asked about you.'

I sighed. 'Did he now?'

'Yeah. I told him I don't get to see you much because you're too busy fucking Kirk and taking him on vacation for foreign sexy times. He went green with envy.'

'You're sweet,' I laughed.

'Well I better go but text me the time of the party yeah?'

'Of course, see you soon.'

As I tidied up my desk and my office in preparation for my next client a thought suddenly struck me. The big question was, would there still be a moving in party? Not to mention the dinner date we were supposed to be having this week with Kurt's friend Sam and his boyfriend Craig.

Kurt had gone on the defensive, was refusing to talk to me about anything of importance and I was seriously starting to wonder whether this was something that could be resolved quickly. I groaned as I slumped back into my chair. I just wish I could rewind the clock back two days and prevent all this shit from happening.

~Kurt's POV~

I walked into the staff room at lunchtime to find Lucy sitting at the table browsing the web on her iPad. Out of all the other teachers she was the one I'd grown closest to since I started. She looked up and smiled at me. 'Hey Kurt.'

'Hi,' I replied and joined her with my sandwich I'd bought on the way to work.

'How was the big move this weekend?' she asked, turning her iPad off and giving me her full attention.

'Yeah really good,' I said, giving her my best fake smile. 'Still quite a bit of unpacking to do though.'

'I remember when Greg and I first moved in together.'

'Was it a smooth transition?'

'Yeah, but it was a long time coming. We spent four years of college being a five hour ride away from each other.'

'Wow that must have been hard.'

Lucy nodded. 'It was and it probably could have gone either way, but we got there in the end. Did you have a boyfriend when you were at college?'

'Um no... not really,' I said vaguely. 'I'm really glad I met Blaine afterwards, I don't think I could bear to be too far away from him.'

'Aww,' Lucy smiled and I felt myself blushing. 'And now you're blushing. You know, from everything you've said about Blaine he sounds like an amazing guy.'

I had to swallow a lump that had formed in my throat. 'Yeah he is.'

'You should invite him on the next staff night out; I'd love to meet him.'

'Yeah I might do that.'

As I made my way back to my classroom at the end of lunchtime, I checked my phone before going in. There were no voicemails, missed calls or even text messages received. I sighed in disappointment. I didn't really expect Blaine to have tried to contact me today; after all we weren't really speaking. But a part of me kind of wanted him to even if it was just to say we'd run out of milk or something equally trivial. But nothing.

I'd been finding it near impossible to concentrate today with what happened over the weekend constantly going round and round my head. I didn't know what to do and I just felt utterly humiliated by the whole thing. I pushed Blaine and disregarded his concerns and it all blew up in my face.

The fact was I was never going to be free of him. Never. I thought it was finished with and that my life was my own again but I'd been completely wrong and stupid. I know Blaine and I had gone over it time and time again but I honestly believed that Blaine deserved better. He deserved someone who could experience one of life's most natural and intimate experiences without having to worry whether it'll just make everything ten times worse.

When I got back to the apartment just after four in the afternoon I went straight into our bedroom and smiled as I saw Blaine had made the bed before leaving for work this morning. I sat down on Blaine's side and then laid my head down on his pillow. It smelled like him and I grinned like an idiot. It was an incredibly comforting feeling.

My phone went off in my pocket and I sat up quickly to get it. It was from Blaine and I may have got just a little bit excited. I'm going to be home late, emergency with work.

My heart dropped. Where was the x? Why was the text so formal? It screamed avoidance to me; Blaine didn't want to come home. He didn't want to see me. Dropping my phone down onto the bed I abandoned it and then left the room. I immediately opened a bottle of wine and settled in front of the tv to watch trashy reality telly and just forget about everything.

~Blaine's POV~

It was almost nine by the time I pulled up outside my apartment block. Kurt hadn't replied to my text telling him I would be late or the subsequent texts I sent either. So I didn't know what I was going to find or how he was going to be. Would Kurt be ready to talk? Would he still be pushing me away? Would he be pretending nothing had happened? Would he even be there?

I felt nervous as I put my key into the lock and went into the apartment. Straight away I could hear the tv and relief washed over me. I took my coat off and dumped it along with my bag into the bedroom but as I was about to go back out I spotted Kurt's phone. I picked it up and it transpired he'd read my first text but not the following ones.

I carried on to the living room and what I found wasn't a possibility I'd factored in. Kurt was lying down on the sofa and on the coffee table was an almost empty bottle of wine. Shit.

'Kurt?'

Kurt's head snapped up to look at me and he laughed. 'Blaaaaaine.'

He stood up from the sofa and staggered over towards me, giggling. Then he took me completely by surprise as he threw his arms around my neck and I nearly toppled backwards. I had to use all my weight to keep us balanced.

'Woah Kurt,' I said as I removed myself from him and held onto his arms.

'Wheresh hello kiss?' he asked, slurring his words and smiling at me.

'Um, how about we sit down yeah? That way I don't have to hold you up ok?'

I guided Kurt back over to the sofa and we sat down. I was just thinking how best to deal with all this when Kurt lunged at me, trying to kiss me. I put my hand out to his chest halting him. 'Kurt, stop.'

'What's problem?'

I reached up and stroked Kurt's cheek softly, smiling sweetly at him and trying my best not to annoy him. 'You've been busy tonight huh?'

Kurt giggled. 'So has you.'

'Sorry, it was unavoidable.'

'What was?' Kurt asked, looking at me a little strangely.

'I told you in my text, I had an emergency with work.'

Kurt laughed, but this time there was no humour with it. 'Yeah a courshe you did.'

He didn't believe me? 'Um, right... anyway, I'm just gonna make myself something to eat. Do you want-'

'Whatdya do?'

'Sorry?'

'Tonight. Whatdya do? Did yous go find a normal guys to... to fuck?'