Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!
A/N: Hey, everyone!
Happy Halloween! Here's a trick for you. Did you know if you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible?
Enjoy! Please review!
Bilbo sits at the head of the table, his hands crossed on the surface before him. Nori and Bofur sit on either side of their friend. Gandalf stands behind Bilbo with his hands on the Hobbit's shoulders. Thorin and Dwalin stand on either side of Gandalf, their arms crossed. Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bombur, Dori, Ori, Balin, Fili, and Kili stand around their friends with varying degrees of smiles.
"We wish you a Happy Halloween," Bilbo says with a tip of his chin.
"May yer candy bucket be full," Bofur says.
"Your travels be safe," Balin says.
"You not get arrested," Nori says, ignoring Dori's glare at his back.
"Your parties remain safe," Fili says with a slight bow.
"You remain healthy through the night," Oin says.
"The food be plentiful," Bombur says.
"You not be murdered by a mad axe man," Bifur says, ignoring Bofur's glare.
"Your loot be plentiful," Kili says.
"Your night be rich," Gloin says.
"You be on you best behavior," Dori says.
"You know your way safely," Ori says.
"Your ship ever fly straight," Thorin says.
"The Orcs stay away from you," Dwlain says.
"And may you make the best of your night," the Dwarves Bilbo, and Gandalf say together. "Happy Halloween."
"Please enjoy the next installment of There and Back Again: Into Space," Bilbo says.
Dangers and Dreads
Dwalin awoke to the sensation of cold air blowing across his bare back. For a moment he wondered why he had even woke up. Then another breeze tickled his skin and he shivered. He reached behind himself blindly for the sheets. His fingers scraped against the fitted sheet, finding nothing else. Grumbling to himself, Dwalin rolled over to see a bundle of blankets at the foot of his bed. Sometime during the night Bilbo had stolen them and made a nest for himself. The pillows atop the mess explained the crick in Dwalin's neck.
"Bilbo," Dwalin grumbled. He turned over and crawled to the bundle of blankets. The mess rose and fell slowly with the breaths of the Hobbit, occasionally shifting in place. "Bilbo, you stole the blankets." Dwalin ran his fingers along to the bundle to find a seam. He could find none, though. The Hobbit had wrapped himself up tight. "Bilbo, wake up."
"Brother?" Dwalin turned to see his older brother blinking blearily at him. Trust the old codger to wake up now and not any other time of the night. "What happened?"
"Bilbo stole the blankets," Dwlain said in a hushed voice. Balin sat up in his bed in order to see better. "He won't wake up."
"He looks quite comfortable," Balin commented. Dwalin snorted and returned to finding a break in the blankets. Bilbo shifted, the mess moving with him. "Leave him be, brother, he deserves a good night's rest."
"I'm cold," Dwalin argued, digging at the blankets. "You know I can't sleep when I'm cold."
"Then go fetch another blanket," Balin suggested. Dwalin looked at him like he was crazy. Balin sighed and stood from his bed, moving to Dwalin's. He gently nudged the mass that was Bilbo. "Master Baggins, Bilbo, you are making my brother cold.
"Mph," a sleepy voice mumbled something unintelligible. The blankets shifted aside, moving away from Balin's hand. Balin smiled at that.
"Come on, Bilbo," Dwalin tried. "I just want to go back to sleep. Give me some of the blankets and we'll be fine."
"Nyan," Bilbo said in a squealing voice. The blankets wrapped tighter around him. Dwalin looked to his brother.
"Did he just say nyan?"
"I believe he did," Balin said, not evening bothering to hide his mirth. "He sounded rather like a cat."
"Well the pundurith needs to give me back my blankets," Dwalin said. He gently shoved at Bilbo.
"Nakid," Bilbo said. Dwalin frowned and leaned closer to hear better. When he poked the mess Bilbo spoke again. "Not kitty."
"Pundurith, give me back the blankets," Dwalin said. That earned him a clocking on the nose from a shifting body. Dwalin sat back, blinking in surprise. "Pundurith."
"Not kitty," Bilbo said again. He rolled over on the bed. "Sleepy."
"Master Baggins," Balin said in a warning tone. Bilbo whined and the blankets wiggled.
"Bilbo, you need to stop," Dwalin tried. The Hobbit ignored him and rolled farther away . . . and right off the bed. His squeal of surprise turned to a grunt when Balin caught him before he hit the floor. Crawling forward, Dwalin helped his older brother return the Hobbit to the bed. He found a corner and peeled the blankets away. A ruffled looking Bilbo glared sleepily at him.
"That was dangerous, Pundurith," Dwalin told Bilbo who stuck his tongue out at him. Balin sighed and shook his head with a smile.
"Tired," Bilbo moaned, falling sideways. He made to pull the blankets back over himself but Dwalin grabbed them. "Gimme."
"Not unless you ask nicely," Dwlain said.
"Try to end this soon," Balin told his younger brother. "Good night." He made his way back his own bed, falling asleep in seconds. His snores filled the air. Dwalin glared at his older brother. Trust him to wake up, trust him to leave Dwalin to do the dirty work. Dwalin turned back to Bilbo who was busy trying to wrap himself up again.
"No you don't," Dwalin growled. Bilbo squealed in surprise when Dwalin grabbed his ankles and dragged the Hobbit back up the bed. Tossing the Hobbit at the head of the bed, Dwalin grabbed the pillows and blanket before he crawled up beside Bilbo. The Hobbit grumbled but burrowed himself against the warmer Dwarf. Pulling the blankets over the two of them, Dwalin wrapped his arms around Bilbo. He listened as Bilbo shifted against him, eventually sighing and falling asleep. Dwalin's eyes slipped shut and he allowed himself to drift back to sleep.
He woke up the next morning to cold air and a nested Hobbit once more.
"Aw, come on!"
O.o.O
Thorin looked up as Bofur stomped down the stairs. The usually happy engineer wore a grumpy expression. He glared at Thorin before marching into the kitchen and grabbing the coffee carafe. He fell into the chair across from his captain. Thorin stirred the tea bag in his cup of tea, slightly thankful he hadn't decided to have any coffee. Some mornings Bofur was not to be bothered until he had drank the entire carafe of coffee. Bofur took a long drink from the carafe, wincing at the strong brew, then set it down. He propped his heels up on an empty chair.
"Bofur," Thorin greeted tiredly.
"Thorin," Bofur said back. The two fell into a tired silence before the engineer spoke. "I tested that ring like ya wanted me ta." Thorin looked up from pondering whether his tea was worth drinking now.
"What did you discover?" he asked.
"Nothin'," Bofur grumbled. "Bless me, I must have done every test I could on that rin' and I still couldn't learn a thin' about it. Except that it bites."
"It bites?" Thorin repeated. Bofur nodded then took a long drink from the carafe. "Bofur, rings cannot bite people."
"This one does," Bofur argued over the rim of the carafe. "I put it on me finger and it bit me. Made me fell all weird 'til I took it off. Where did ya even get that rin'?"
"Dwalin found it in Bilbo's coat pocket," Thorin said. Bofur lowered the carafe, looking interested. "We believe he may have found it on the Misty Mountains."
"Maybe it's his," Bofur suggested. "He could've had it from the Shire System and he just never knew."
"I already suggested that," Thorin said. "Dwalin says the smugglers would have taken anything that belonged to Bilbo when they captured him. And I do not believe this ring was given to him by the Elves." Bofur hummed in agreement. Silence lapsed over them as they thought.
"Oi!" Thorin looked up at Dwalin's shout. Bofur leaned back in his chair to try and see what was going on. "Get back here, you little thief!" A familiar blur raced through the eating area and down the stairs. Thorin and Bofur both blinked in surprise.
"What was that?" Bofur asked Thorin who could only continue to blink in befuddlement. He could have sworn the shadow of the Hobbit lingered in the room with them. Dwlain stormed out of the sleeping quarters, his head whipping back and forth.
"Where is he?" Dwalin demanded. "Where is that little thief?"
"What are you talkin' about?" Bofur asked. Dwalin stormed into the dining area, ducking to look under the table. "Are you lookin' fer Bilbo?"
"Aye," Dwalin said. He checked the kitchen area next.
"What has he done this time?" Thorin asked. Dwalin straightened up to look at him. The anger in his eyes was almost hilarious.
"He stole the blankets," Dwalin said. Bofur roared with laughter and he frowned. "It's not funny. The rooms get cold at night."
"Good thin' I sleep near the engine room," Bofur said. He raised the carafe to his lips and took a long draw, yelping when Dwalin tipped his chair further backward. The engineer landed with a crash on the floor. The beloved coffee splashed over him, leaving the Dwarf sputtering in the hot drink.
"He headed for the cargo bay," Thorin told Dwalin. "He is most likely going to his private place." Dwalin growled and stormed away down the stairs.
"There was no need fer him ta push me over," Bofur grumbled as he pulled himself upright. Thorin huffed in amusement, shaking his head. The engineer looked mournfully into the empty carafe. "And now I need more coffee."
"You could wait until Bombur woke up."
"That would be too lon'."
"Then make it yourself."
"I'm too tired."
Thorin shook his head as the engineer began to mutter to himself. Standing, he took his cold tea to the sink to pour it out. A pained shout from Dwalin caused his head to jerk up. Another shout carried up the stairwell followed by Dwalin yelling furiously.
"What's goin' on?" Bofur asked. Thorin ignored him, charging from the room and throwing himself down the stairs to the cargo bay. A hand shot out and grabbed Thorin by the lapels, dragging him back before he could enter the bay. Dwalin pinned him back against the wall.
"Dwalin," Thorin said breathlessly. "What happened?"
"I came down here to get the little thief," Dwalin said. "He started throwin' things at me." Thorin looked at him for a moment before he stepped past his friend, ignoring Dwalin's warnings. He stepped out into the cargo bay.
"Bilbo," he said aloud. "Come down from there." A small stone flew past his head, striking the wall behind him, and Thorin stepped back. More stones flew at him, sending the Dwarf stumbling back. Dwalin snatched him and dragged him back to the safety of the stairwell.
"What did I tell you?" Dwalin said. "He's throwin' things at us now. Got a deadly aim, too." Thorin rubbed his shoulder where a stone had struck him. Gandalf's previous words returned to his mind.
"Given projectiles, a properly angry Hobbit is a forced to be reckoned with."
"Did you make him angry?" Thorin asked Dwalin in a hushed voice. Dwalin blinked as he thought through the question. "What happened?"
"He stole the blankets in the night," Dwalin told his captain. "So I took them back. He stole them again this morning and I twisted his ear for it." Thorin sighed, letting his head fall forward.
"That was your first mistake," a voice said behind the Dwarves. Thorin looked up to see Gandalf standing in the stairs. "Hobbits have rather sensitive ears, more sensitive than an Elf or Dwarf's. They also enjoy warmth when they sleep. Bilbo has always had a tendency to make himself nests when he has slept."
"He hasn't done it before," Dwalin said.
"He did not trust you before," Gandalf told him. Dwalin blinked in surprise. "Bilbo is not a very trusting Hobbit. He has only ever slept well when he entirely trusted another." Thorin's eyebrows traveled up his forehead. "I would recommend you to add more blankets to your bed, Master Dwalin, if you do not want Bilbo stealing them anymore."
"What do you recommend for right now?" Thorin asked. Gandalf looked up, considering the question as Bilbo threw a few more stones in their general direction. Each stone struck the wall and left a small dent.
"I would recommend finding someone to reason with our Hobbit," the wizard said. When Thorin gave him a pointed look he laughed. "And that would not be me. Bilbo is not overly fond of me at the moment for the trouble I have brought upon him."
"Balin," Dwalin said. Thorin looked to him and he nodded back at Bilbo. "Bilbo likes him well enough. Maybe he can talk some sense into the Halflin'."
"Go get him," Thorin ordered. Dwalin pounded up the stairs. Gandalf chuckled, shaking his head, and made his way after the Dwarf. No doubt he was going to make himself more tea. Thorin listened intently. A voice seemed to carry through the cargo bay. Bilbo had started to sing a song Thorin didn't recognize.
"Hey! Ho! To the bottle I go,
To heal my heart and drown my woe,
The rain may pour, the wind may blow,
And there may be many miles to go."
Thorin couldn't help but smile at the song. He had never heard Bilbo sing before, though he knew Hobbits were fond of both drink and merry songs. The words continued to ring through the cargo bay. Leaning back, Thorin let them wash over him. He could see it now. A quiet, peaceful people dancing under the lights of a party tree. Bilbo would dance with pretty young women who would laugh and twirl, the ribbons in their hair rustling in the wind.
"Thorin, what is going on?" Bilbo's words cut off and Thorin opened his eyes to see Balin standing before him. The older Dwarf wore a confused expression, his hands on his hips. "Dwalin woke me up saying you needed me."
"I may have made Bilbo mad," Dwalin said from behind his brother.
"He has started throwing things," Thorin told Balin. "He refuses to listen to either Dwalin or I, and Gandalf will not help." Balin sighed and shook his head. Stepping forward, he spoke to Bilbo.
"Laddie, it is me, Balin." Thorin listened as the Dwarf continued to speak to the Hobbit. No stones flew his way and Bilbo answered peacefully enough.
"Perhaps Gandalf was right," Dwalin said to Thorin. "He isn't hurtin' Balin at all."
"That would be a first," Thorin said. Dwalin laughed, shaking his head. Both Dwarves straightened up as Balin stepped back inside.
"Master Baggins is angry with both of you," he said.
"Well that's easy to see," Dwalin said. Balin gave his younger brother and exasperated look. "Sorry."
"What else?" Thorin asked.
"As I was saying before Dwalin interrupted me," Balin said, glaring at his younger brother. Dwalin shrugged apologetically. "Bilbo is angry at the two of your for forcing him to get the surgery done by Oin. He does not appreciate it and will stay angry at you for as long as he wants."
"How lon' will that be?" Dwalin asked.
"None of us will know," Balin said. He made to move up the stairs then paused, turning to look at Dwalin. "And Bilbo says if you ever twist his ear again he will slice your calf with his sword." Dwalin's eyes widened in shock. Nodding a good morning to the two Dwarves, Balin stormed back up the stairs. Dwalin turned to Thorin.
"What do we do now?" he asked his captain.
"Leave him alone," Thorin said. "Bilbo will come down when he wants to." Dwalin looked up at the rafters dubiously. "Unless you want to be attacked by a properly furious Hobbit." Thorin watched Dwalin shook his head then turned followed his brother up the stairs. Thorin made to follow him, but paused when words reached his ears.
"Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain,
And the stream that falls from hill to plain,
Better than rain or rippling brook,
Is a mug of beer inside this Took."
Shaking his head at the words, Thorin marched up the stairs to find himself breakfast.
O.o.O
Bilbo spent the entire day on the platform. Bifur brought him both breakfast and lunch, sitting in a comfortable silence with the Hobbit. He had only left to tend the engine when Bofur called him down. During these times Bilbo would take naps or sing quietly to himself. If Bofur, Ori, Kili, Fili, or Nori ever wandered into the cargo bay he sent them fleeing with a pounding of pebbles. At one point he'd had to climb down from his platform to gather his ammunition. When Dwalin and Balin had wandered down some times he had frightened them off with the pebbles.
"Wonderful," he had heard Balin say. "Now he has projectiles again."
Bifur returned to Bilbo's platform with a snack sometime after lunch. Bilbo had been happy to see the Dwarf. Siting up there had been starting to get lonely. Bifur sat and sang to himself tunelessly while Bilbo munched on the dried fruit and crackers. A tap on his shoulder made Bilbo look up. Bifur pointed at him, then to himself, and then to his own mouth.
"I don't understand," Bilbo said bluntly. He had learned quickly Bifur didn't mind bluntness. In fact, he preferred it. The Dwarf hated it whenever someone spoke in riddles. It gave him a headache.
Bifur pointed at himself, his mouth this time, and then Bilbo. Bilbo just shook his head. Bifur huffed and scratched his beard, thinking. Finally, he opened his mouth. The words he spoke almost made Bilbo's mouth fall open.
"I . . . t-teach . . . y-you," Bifur said in stuttering and halting voice, and then he made several signs with his hands.
"You want to teach me?" Bilbo asked. Bifur nodded excitedly. "Iglishmek." More nodding. Bilbo stared at the Dwarf, still in wonder at the Dwarf's broken speech. Bifur snapped his fingers in Bilbo's face and the Hobbit shook his head. "Sorry, I was just surprised when you spoke." Bifur made a hand sign. Bilbo squinted at him in confusion. Bifur made the hand sign again and then grabbed his head, making a face as if he was in pain.
"It hurts?" Bilbo guessed. Bifur nodded enthusiastically. "Alright, I won't make you speak anymore." Bifur patted him on the head. "So how do you propose to teach me Iglishmek?"
The words sent Bifur into a teaching frenzy. He would point at something, Bilbo would say aloud and then he would sign it. Once Bilbo understood the sign, Bifur would have him sign it back to him. This continued for several hours. By the end of it Bilbo had a headache, but he could at least ask Bifur how his day had been and had he seen the blue bird that flew over Thorin's head and pooped in Dwalin's beard. Bifur had been extremely pleased once Bilbo had been able to sign the sentence entirely on his own.
"Oi, Bifur, Bilbo," Bofur called up. Bilbo's hand strayed to the pile of rocks beside him but Bifur snatched caught it in his own. He shook his head at Bilbo's questioning look. "Ya two still up there?" Bifur shouted something down to Bofur that made his cousin laugh. "Aye? Well, Thorin says ya two need ta come down now."
"Why?" Bilbo shouted back. "I like being up here."
"We've arrived at Gandalf's friend's house," Bofur said. "The one who won't han' us by meat hooks." Bilbo looked to Bifur incredulously.
'Long story,' Bifur signed to him. 'Don't ask.'
"Why do we have to come down?" Bilbo asked Bofur. "Can't we just stay up here?"
"Gandalf says we all have ta be there," Bofur answered. Bilbo leaned over the side to the engineer waving at him. "Apparently this fella doesn't trust Dwarves very much."
'We go,' Bifur signed. 'Trouble if not.' Bilbo sighed in resignation.
"Fine," he said. "But I'm taking some rocks with me." Bifur roared with laughter as Bilbo gathered some rocks and stuffed them in his pockets. Together they trotted through the rafters and scurried down the walls. The rest of the crew had gathered by the time they reached the floor. Dwlain wrapped his arms around Bilbo the moment his feet touched the floor, pulling him for a hug.
"I'm sorry, pundurith," Dwalin muttered. "I won't do that again." Bilbo looked over Dwalin's shoulder at Nori who could only shrug. Dwalin released Bilbo and stepped back.
"I want you all to be on your best behavior," Gandalf said, sweeping into the cargo bay. "Beorn is not overly fond of Dwarves and he may remember the last time I visited." Several of the Dwarves groaned, shaking their heads. "That was not my fault that time. It was entirely the Southerner's. Now, best behavior." Gandalf gave each Dwarf a speculative look and Bilbo an appraising one. "Let us go, then."
Gandalf led the Dwarves to the door of the cargo bay and opened it. Leaning sideways, Bilbo watched eagerly as the door swung open. He didn't pay any attention to the bear of a man standing on the other side or the dogs that stood on their hind legs. He didn't care for the large bees. The adorable ponies remained forgotten. He just wanted to see the sun.
O.o.O
A blonde girl sits at the dining table with Nori, Bofur, and Dwalin. She looks up from the cards she's holding, playing poker with the three Dwarves, and smiles.
"Hey, everyone, Pollux here," she says. "I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I know I had fun writing it. Have fun tonight trick or treating and stay safe. Don't make yourself sick on candy." She grabs Nori's hand as it sneaks away from her pocket. "Drop it, thief."
"I didn't steal anything," Nori argues. Pollux glares at him and drops the cellphone.
"Thank you," Pollux says. "No, as I was saying . . ." She stops talking as something small darts past. Fili, Thorin, and Dori are hot on its heels. Fili skids to a stop, panting.
"What's goin' on?" Bofur asks in surprise.
"Bilbo got a hold of the candy again," Fili says breathlessly.
"Shit!" Dwalin shouts. Throwing the cards on the table, he charges from the room after Bilbo. Nori, Fili, and Bofur follow him quickly. Pollux blinks down in surprise at the poker chips on the table.
"Looks like I win," she says, scooping the chips up. "Suckers! Happy Halloween, everyone!"
A/N: What did you think?
Pundurith means 'the cat that is young'. So it basically means kitten.
Now I have to go write a paper about how because I'm white, straight, or 20 years old it makes me privileged than other people. -.- Honestly, if you don't want to be told that you're racist just because you're white, don't take sociology class. Wish me luck.