Sixteen weeks to the day, and I stood outside the adoption agency, leaning on the unmarked squad car, hands over my midsection, unsure if I was going to vomit or pass out. One seemed inevitable at this point, and I wasn't sure which one I preferred.

"Casey?" Olivia said from beside me. I looked over to her knowing I was pale and my eyes were unfocused. "If you can't do this, we can step away."

"I've been avoiding doing this for five weeks. I need to talk to some of these families." My stomach had finally started to swell, though not enough to really make my doctor happy. I could see it and feel it in the snugness of my pants, but apparently other people couldn't. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to convince my doctor that I was gaining weight until my doctor dragged me over to the scale. I had lost five pounds. I hated being proven wrong, but she had sent me out of the office with brand new ultrasound pictures for the two men I was meeting with today who were hoping to become daddies.

Kiwi still hadn't turned so that her sex could be confirmed, but even in my head, it was easier to assume she was female. If it turned out that she was a he, I might break down. I didn't know why, but my gut just told me that I wouldn't be able to handle the news. I didn't want to raise this child, but a part of me had grown attached enough that I knew I was going to be picky on who adopted her. Hopefully, these two men were prepared for some direct questioning. I knew little about them except that one was a stock broker and the other was a banker at the Chase Manhattan branch surprisingly close to my new apartment. If nothing else, I figured they had a good handle on finances and would be able to provide for Kiwi. Hopefully, there was more to them than that, but I really wouldn't hold it against them if there wasn't.

Olivia closed her door and came around to my side of the car, closing my door and wrapping her arms around me. "It's okay to be nervous, Casey. You might not be able to raise this baby, but it's okay to want the best for your child. You're strong. I have faith in you."

I smiled. "Thanks, Olivia." Shaking my hair out, I stood up a little straighter. I had asked Olivia to come with me for emotional support and a second opinion. I was worried about two things. The first would be that I was so desperate to get rid of Kiwi that I would overlook some very important aspects or not ask the right questions. The second was the opposite, that I would pass by a very loving, stable family because I was being too paranoid and judgmental. The detective followed me in about a half step behind, hands in her back pockets looking every bit the bad ass cop I had come to know she could be while at the same time looking every bit the warm, compassionate advocate I also had observed her to be. She was a puzzle and a headache, but, according to her, no more than I was.

I pulled my lime green jacket tighter around me, trying to hide my still flat stomach. The doctor said she wasn't incredibly worried, that the stress would have something to do with my not gaining weight, but she did say that I had two weeks to gain back the five pounds and start putting on weight beyond that or she was going to order bed rest until I did. Bed rest would make me go crazy. But, she had given me a clean bill of health on a warning and sent me on my merry way. I think she was trying to keep my stress about all the things that could go wrong to a minimum. I still didn't know what my medical problems during my first trimester had done to Kiwi, if anything. She seemed to be evolving regularly, though if the surgeries and the whole flat lining thing had messed her neural cortex or her higher brain function, I was going to cry. I didn't doubt someone would love her, but it would just seem too unjust to me. In the grand scheme of things, it seemed wrong that she would pay for my sins.

Alicia was at the door to greet me when I walked in. I had so many false starts at this that I think she was about to give up on me. I finally confessed that I was terrified of picking the wrong family but at the same time that I didn't feel like it was my right to judge people who wanted to love a kid when I was the one giving said kid up. "Casey, hi. How are you?"

"I'm alright. Alicia, this is Olivia. She's my emotional rock in this." I looked to Olivia. "Liv, this is Alicia. She's my adoption counselor."

"Pleasure," Alicia said as she held out a hand to Olivia. "Can I get either of you ladies anything?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Water?" I asked.

"You bet." I led Olivia to Alicia's office. Technically, I knew they had a room where prospective parents meet biological parents that looked a lot more cozy, but I didn't know if Andrew and John were in the room already or not. If they were, I didn't want to be in there without Alicia. I needed the barrier.

Alicia followed shortly with a bottle of water. "You ready?" I nodded but knew I looked panicked. I'd met with three prospective parents so far and turned each couple down. I didn't think I could handle another 'no.' "I'm so excited for you to meet them, Casey. John and Andrew have been looking forward to meeting you."

Clinging the water bottle against my chest with one hand, I clung to Olivia's hand with the other and followed Alicia into the initial meeting room. Two very casually dressed but straight backed men were sitting in the middle of the floor talking. Instantly, I knew John was the blond leaning back with his hands behind him for support and Andrew was the brunette leaning forward, chewing on his thumb. Their profiles had been really well filled out which was part of why I wanted to meet with them. Both looked up with the door opened and Andrew stood up immediately, hand outstretched. John was slower to stand, watching me and Olivia with intensely green eyes. Andrew shook first my hand, then Olivia's while Alicia made introductions. John followed suit, still watching Olivia. His face was carefully blank, but I could see the intellect. I guessed he was the stock broker. Andrew very much had that customer service personality that made for part of a good meeting with a banker.

Formalities out of the way, we simply got to chatting about different lifestyles. Neither Olivia nor I batted an eye about the fact that they were gay which made my respect for Olivia go up a notch. I knew she was open, but it was nice to see that she was truly open. "I went to the doctor yesterday for my sixteen week ultrasound and to give you guys a more update picture of Kiwi."

"Kiwi?" Andrew interrupted.

I nodded. "I don't know the sex, and saying 'the baby' all of the time seems silly. It was a nickname I came up with a few weeks back when she really was the size of a kiwi."

John laughed, and I felt better now that I had drawn a smile to his face. "I like it."

Reaching into the folder I had brought, I handed them both the latest ultrasound. Kiwi was curled up inside me, thumb firmly in her mouth, feet drawn tight against her body, and other arm wrapped around her feet. Both men made the appreciative adorable sound at the same time. "Aw. Kiwi's beautiful, Casey."

"And, that's her without pigment," I mumbled earning myself four grins. Lately, it was easier to smile when those around me smiled as well. I reached out to the detective and took her hand, squeezing it rightly. Olivia squeezed back. "Um, so, I know as the woman giving up a baby, I really don't have the right to ask about your parenting techniques, bu-"

"Oh, no. Honey, you have every right." Andrew held John's hands between his own. "Ask away. We wouldn't want you to give Kiwi to a family where you're not comfortable with the way they will raise her. Ask away."

I did. I asked every question I could think of, and Olivia asked a few that I couldn't think of. Both men answered patiently, and I fell a little bit in love with them as potential parents for Kiwi. They were incredibly laid back people, and by the end of the meeting, we had arranged for a time where I could come by their apartment and see how they lived. I think I pretty much made their week when I asked if I could see their apartment and talk to them about their plans to raise a child in New York, one of the more difficult places to raise a well rounded child.

Olivia also agreed to make every meeting until I felt comfortable alone. I was grateful beyond words. She was turning out to be an incredible support system, and almost exactly what I needed dealing with this. In fact, in the span of five weeks, my life was beginning to feel a lot more put together. I was less afraid of my shadow. David seemed pretty firmly located in Florence, Colorado. Jensen was stuck in Rikers until trial, and he was set on taking it to trial. His logic was that it drew out my misery just as much as it drew out his, and for that, I'd pulled all plea deals off the table. He wanted a battle, and I would battle him. Only Olivia and Fin knew why I walked out of meetings with him and his attorney with a racing heart needing fresh air as soon as humanly possible. They hadn't said anything, either. Always, though, one or both of them was always first in the room and last out behind me.

Olivia drove me back to the station. She offered to take me all the way home, but she had said that she had paperwork she needed to finish at the precinct. In short, I felt bad enough pulling her away from her desk on a Friday afternoon, and I didn't want her to go even more out of her way, but she really didn't seem to mind. At least, in minding, she didn't display as much.

"You are not walking home, Casey," Olivia said as she shut the engine off in the police parking garage. "I will drive you home if you want, but you are not walking." And, we both knew the subway was not an option. It was just past six, and the thing would still be too packed for my comfort.

I sighed, opening the car door. "I'll be fine, Olivia. No one's going to kill me."

"That's a long hike, and you told me the doctor is making you step away from too much physical exercise."

"I didn't ride my bike to work," I protested.

She stared at me. "You walked to work?" We both stepped out of the car, and I began to follow her up to the squad room, not one to loose out in an opportunity to butt heads. "Casey, please tell me you didn't."

I shook my head. "No, Mom. I took a cab in. Jesus. But, even my paycheck cannot handle that two times per day. Not with all the other bills I'm working through. The hospital bills from Santa Fe are killers, even with insurance."

Since I had attached to Olivia, I knew I had been healthier. I was less compelled to go to bars and go home with random men. It still happened. I still hated myself for it. But, after a long day, it was still easier than going home and thinking. It was the thinking that scared me. Fucking men I didn't know was just a distraction. And, a punishment. I still didn't think I deserved the freedom I now had. Olivia had proved to be a distraction from my self hate, and I clung to that like to tomorrow.

Self awareness has often been one of my strong suits, and while I have never been entirely self aware, I was probably more aware of my faults at that time than I was of anything else about me. Some days, I found myself relying on Olivia to prove to me that there was something a value within me, a reason to keep going.

"Fine. Then, I'll pick you up and drop you off. It's not like they don't give me a cruiser. I might as well use it."

I shook my head. "And, if you're called to a crime scene at six in the morning?"

She put her hands on her hips which was a rare gesture. That wasn't really her stance, and the look on my face must have showed m surprise at her seemingly pixy-ish position because she groaned. I smiled. She had looked like Peter Pan for a moment. "One of the guys can pick you up. Fin's been to your apartment. I doubt any of us would mind, Casey. You're part of the family. Let us help you."

I laughed.

"What?" she snapped.

"You looked like Peter Pan."

"I think you're delusional." She rolled her eyes and pushed the button for the elevator to take us up to the third floor. I slid into the elevator behind her and leaned back against the cool glass. Lately, I had not been able to get comfortably cool no matter what I tried.

Folding my arms over my chest, I just shook my head. "I can't take you seriously when you put your hands on your hips, Liv." She smiled. I think she must have known. I playfully smacked her shoulder. She feigned hurt. "Oh, come off it."

Laughter spilled from her lips, but she went entirely too serious when the elevator doors opened, and I couldn't quite figure out why until we walked around the corner. She must have heard or noticed something that indicated the rest of the guys were still there, because they were crowded around a white board littered with pictures, talking. "Where'd you go?" Elliot Stabler asked as we walked into the room. He didn't seem to see me at first. "Oh, hi, Casey. What can we do for you?"

I shrugged. "I can't visit my detectives without my motives being called into question?"

John Munch leaned back in his chair in that fashion prone to private investigators in old movies. I always took it to mean the person in the chair was listening. Apparently, it meant the person was suspicious of the speaker's motives. He brought his fingers together on both hands at a point just under his chin. "No," he said slowly, as though it cost him great effort to do that. It was how I knew he was teasing, seeing what I would do or say.

"Ouch," I murmured, frowning and batting my eyes. I was not the type of woman who regularly did cute and vulnerable, but I did know how to play the part. "I think you hurt my feeling."

"Aw. Someone call Novak an ambulance." Fin snickered.

I leaned against Olivia's desk and stared at the white board. "Whatcha got?" I asked, nodding my head towards the mess of pictures.

"A damn fine mess," Elliot answered with a tired sigh. "ViCAP finally came back with some matches on an MO from a case brought in a month ago."

"That's pretty fast," I said. A month for the FBI to do anything really was quick. Then again, most of ViCAP was automated anymore.

Elliot shrugged. We would all prefer instant, but Stabler more than anyone else had trouble grasping that what we wanted was seldom what we got. Or, maybe he grasped it all too well, and that was what accounted for his almost constant sour mood. "We have four more like vics upstate and three in Jersey."

"None anywhere else?" Olivia asked.

The male detective shook his head. "Not unless those departments don't send out to ViCAP."

"So, he's a local," I concluded. "Eight vics, wow. In how long?"

"Nine months," John answered. "One every month except July. No idea why unless the victim's body was never found." I shuddered. I couldn't stand the thought of being dead somewhere where no one could even locate my body. More than anything David had implied, that he would dump my body in the middle of nowhere had given me nightmares. I briefly wondered if I could get a tracking device implanted just in case I went missing. But, I really did not want the government to have that much access to me. It was bad enough they could track cell phones – though very handy when we needed the information to find a suspect. I had conflicted feelings about all of that.

"Any leads?"

"A couple," Elliot answered. "One is a mobile dog groomer, Brandon Hilt. Three of the women upstate were on his client list. It was the only link anyone's been able to find on those four, but the three in Jersey don't match. Hilt hasn't been living upstate since just after the fourth murder. He was a primary suspect for a while, but the guys upstate couldn't find him. Jersey never connected him to the crimes in anyway."

"What about viable DNA from the rape kits?"

"Nothing in six of the women. Only the first two showed useable DNA, but there was no match in CODIS."

"What about the military database? Not all of those personnel are in CODIS," I suggested.

John nodded sagely. "True, but do you really think we'll get a hold of that kind of information."

"Send me the copy of the profile, and I'll see what I can do." My dad really had been in the military, and some of his old military buddy's sons were, too. Not to mention three of my brothers were in the army. I might have been the black sheep of the family with my radical non-practice of religion and not getting married and knocked up younger than I was and in that order – more importantly, in that order – but I knew they would cringe at the thought of someone out there raping and killing a woman possibly being a member of the US Military. The men of my family were the honorable sort.

Elliot raised a brow at me, but only Munch regarded me with outright suspicion. "You have a connection you're not sharing?" the oldest detective in my squad asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I'll find out pretty quick, though." I could put in a couple of calls and find out within a few hours if someone were willing to go to bat for me. On the bright side, if they got called out on it, I could always use my office to help get them free. It wasn't like it was personal. They would be helping in a criminal investigation.

"You do that." Elliot smiled. It was a very small smile, but Stabler didn't strike me as being someone who would smile big all that often. "Thank you."

I shrugged. "Not a problem." I shifted my weight on the desk, hands automatically falling to my stomach. I didn't realize it, but my thumb began tracing circles on my abdomen, just above my navel. I caught Fin's eyes across the room and he coughed, his eyes traveling down my body to where my hands rested.

Unfortunately, Elliot's eyes did the exact same thing, leaving me in a tight predicament. I could acknowledge that both men were now staring at me tracing soothing circles on my stomach by pulling my hands away. Or, I could pretend not to notice and continue to draw patterns. Either one would give me away to Elliot. Fin already knew. I wasn't worried about that. My breathing slowed. I stopped moving my thumb but didn't move my hands from their perch below my ribs.

"Casey-" Elliot started, his voice with an inflection, letting me know that he was about to ask a question.

"Who was the second suspect?" Olivia asked, her eyes dead locking with Elliot's. I knew they had silent communication between the two of them. They were close, and it made them both great partners and terrible partners. Both the best and the worst. They got their job done and well, but I wondered if it truly came down to the wire, how much damage one would take for the sake of the other. Enough to be detrimental was my best guess.

Whatever silent words were spoken, Elliot turned back to the case on the board. If his question had been whether or not I was pregnant, he doubly had his answer. And, he would now know that Olivia, at least, also knew. If that wasn't his curiosity, then he was probably still just as baffled. "The second guy was Marcus Young, a retail salesman who moved to Jersey a month before the first Jersey murder. He lived in upstate New York before that, but they were never entirely sure where. It turns out he lied on his application for employment about his previous residence, so we're not even entirely sure on that point."

"What was his alibi for the murders?"

"None. That's just it. But, then, there wasn't enough to hold him just based on no alibi."

"Did he match DNA?"

"They couldn't compel DNA," Elliot explained with a defeated shrug. "They couldn't even arrest him. The police in Jersey interviewed him but didn't get enough."

I stood up and walked over to the board, looking at the series of women. Raped and murdered. I shuddered involuntarily. I couldn't help but imagine if David raping me were the last thing that I ever experienced. It didn't seem right. It wasn't fair to these women. Someone needed to do something. "How did he even get on their radar?"

Elliot shrugged. "I can't figure that out. As far as I can tell, they never put it in their report. I don't know if he was the neighborhood kid about to snap and they just suspected him, or if something went on that they would rather not put on the books."

Sighing, I took the picture of the woman killed in the city. "Can we put him in New York for her murder?" I asked, biting my lip. "Because, how they got him on their radar doesn't concern me in closing this case. And, if we can convict him on this one and link this one to the others, Jersey and Syracuse can pick him up and try him on their end, too."

Elliot looked at me like he suddenly appreciated me a lot more. "That's the goal, Casey." He gave me a soft look, and I realized it was an incredibly paternal look. I returned it with a sharp one of my own. I didn't want Stabler going soft on me. The one true pet peeve I had was people treating me different because of something that happened to me.

Biting my lip, I turned away. "Great. Well, send me the DNA profile and I'll forward that on if I can and let you know either way. Otherwise. I need to head home I just thought I'd stop by on my way out of the office."

"You want a ride?" Olivia asked. "The subway's gonna be hell."

"So will traffic," I pointed out.

She shrugged. "At least you'll have company."

"Alright," I said because I really didn't feel like walking thirty some blocks home and I absolutely would not be taking the subway. "Thanks."

Olivia grabbed the keys she had just thrown on her desk back. "Call if you need something," she said and turned and followed me back to the elevators. The doors slid shut behind us, and I hugged myself, shivering. "You okay?"

"Yea," I lied. "I can't imagine what those women must have experienced, though."

"What do you mean?" the detective pressed. She had a knack for doing that, though I had a feeling she knew exactly what I was talking about.

Shivering, I pulled my jacket tighter and shoved my hands in my pockets. "The horror of being raped and then being murdered, like none of it mattered. There was no opportunity for recovery. It was just this utter violation and then death. I can't imagine what they thought."

She nodded. "What did you think? I know there was time between when David sexually assaulted you and when he shot you, but what went through your mind?"

That stopped me. That flat stopped me, and I stared at her. "I don't know," I whispered, my eyes wide with horror. Actually, I did know. I know exactly what my thought was when I felt him shoot me, before I knew he'd been shot as well. Please, God, don't let him hurt Alex.

I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I quickly pushed it away, but Olivia caught my hand before I could put it back in the pocket. "What's going on in your head, Casey?"

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The, uh, friend I stayed with in Santa Fe, Angie," I started. Olivia nodded as encouragement, showing that she was listening. "She was the one who shot David. But, before I knew she had shot him, my only thought was a prayer to God that he wouldn't hurt her."

Olivia squeezed my hand. "You really care about her, huh?" I nodded. "You're a good person, Casey Novak. And, you surprise me every day." With that, she let go of my hand. I shoved it back in my pocket and stared straight ahead, willing myself not to cry.