Raelynn groaned as pain radiated from her torso and down her arms. She dragged her splayed limbs into her chest and pushed herself up, blinking at the ground beneath her until it came into focus. She frowned and looked around, noting in confusion that she was currently laying in the middle of a small grassy meadow. There were trees not too far off and two paths, showcased by arches. She grunted and dragged her body up so that she was seated, pushing her eyes into the palms of her hands. Her fingers brushed against something soft and she felt her head, yanking the hat off with another frown. It was an exquisite hat, one that a Thane would likely wear. Personally she thought they were a bit ridiculous, but she put it back on her head anyway.
She got a good look at her legs and shot to her feet, hands patting along her torso, confirming that she was indeed wearing finery befitting a noble, and not her standard battle robes. Her mace and packs were gone and when she tried to cast a simple magelight spell she gasped when the familiar hum of magic did not flow through her. She looked around in a panic, twisting and coming to a halt when she spotted the two men seated at a table not far from her. One of them had his head in his hands and seemed to be muttering to himself. The other was staring at her expectantly. He looked older and wore an outfit that made her head spin when she stared at it longer than a few seconds.
"Uh, hello?" she said. The word seemed to snap the second man into action and he grinned at her.
"I was wondering when you would join us!" he declared and then scooped up a kettle and waved his hand at the empty chairs. "Sit, sit! It's rude to keep people waiting you know!" She walked to the table and sat in a chair, utterly bewildered. "More tea, Pelly my dear?" the man in the strange outfit said to the other one.
The man looked up between his fingers and shook his head. "Oh, I couldn't. It goes right through me. So many detractors and undesirables, naysayers, buffoons. My… My headsman hasn't slept in three days." Raelynn blinked and shifted to the chair that was farthest away from that man.
The other one tutted. "You are far too hard on yourself, my dear, sweet, homicidally insane Pelagius. What would the people do without you? Dance? Sing? Smile?" He laughed as if he had just told a great joke and Raelynn smiled uneasily. "Grow old? You are the best Septim that has ever ruled. Well, except for that Martin fellow, but he turned into a Dragon god, and that's hardly sporting. You know, I was there for the whole sordid affair. Marvelous time! Butterflies, blood, a Fox, a severed head… Oh, and the cheese! To die for." The name Pelagius rang some warning bells in Raelynn's mind and she hunkered down in the seat, wishing she had some kind of weapon with her. She eyed the knife on the table next to her empty plate, wondering if she could use it to protect herself.
The other man, Pelagius, rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, as you've said countless times before," he responded.
The strangely dressed man scoffed. "Well, if you're going to be like that, I think its best I take my leave. I said a good day to you sir, I said good day!" He held his arms up and a swirling purple vortex appeared around Pelagius.
"Yes. Leave me to my ceaseless responsibilities and burdens," Pelagius started. The rest of his complaint was cut off as he and the vortex of magical energy disappeared.
Raelynn swallowed quietly when the obviously insane man sat back in his rather elaborate throne and looked at her. He blinked twice and then grinned in a way that had her cringing. "Well, well. What brings you here?" he asked.
Raelynn straightened and then frowned. "I don't remember," she said. Every time she tried to remember what had happened right before she woke up her head began to hurt.
"Don't remember? Don't remember! Bah! What good are you if you don't remember?" he blurted. "None, none at all!" He slapped his hand against the table, rattling several of the dishes.
"I need to deliver a message!" she blurted. The noise had jogged her memory, dredging up a bizarre conversation with a man in Solitude.
"A message? From who?" he asked, excitement now rolling off him in waves. "No, no don't tell me. Let me guess. Was it… Molag?"
"Uh…" Raelynn started, not sure who it was. She had failed to ask for the man's name.
"No, no…" He kept talking as if she was not trying to respond. "Little Tim, the toymaker's son? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it… Yes! Stanley, that talking grapefruit from Passwall." He again slapped the table, looking certain that he was right.
"I don't… I don't think it was any of them," she responded. "I could be wrong though, I didn't ask his name. He just sent me in here looking for his master." She frowned. "Who are you?" she asked.
He gasped and held a hand to his chest, adopting an injured expression. "Who am I? Who am I? I am a part of you, little mortal." He grinned at her and she flinched, not liking the suggestion or the fact that he called her 'mortal'. "I am a shadow in your subconscious, a blemish on your fragile little psyche. You know me. You just don't know it." He winked and held up the kettle. "Tea?"
"I don't… um…" He poured her a cup and set it in front of her, watching eagerly until she picked it up and held it to her lips. The liquid in question was thick and smelled bad and she put the cup down without trying it. "I'm sorry, I really have no idea who you are."
He stood and bowed with a flourish, knocking his throne over as he did. "Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness. At your service." He arched an eyebrow at her. "And who are you?" he asked.
"I'm uh… I'm the Dragonborn," she answered, mentally cursing her own luck. She was stuck, probably on some plane in Oblivion, with the craziest Daedric Prince known. The fact that he was not the most violent did not calm her much. "And your follower wanted to know when you would uh… come back from vacation," she stated.
The look on his face fell into annoyance. "That's the message?" he asked and she nodded warily. He scoffed and righted his throne with a wave of the hand before he sat and grabbed the nearest piece of cheese. "Bah, you go through the trouble of stealing the key and breaking into the wing all to tell me I should go home? Well, I won't! You can't make me!" He crossed his arms and pouted for a few moments before he grinned. "Unless…" Raelynn shifted, not certain she liked where this was going. "Unless you can do something for me? What do you say, a favor for a favor?"
Raelynn groaned and rapped her head against the tabletop. "What is it with people?" she asked. "Nobody will help anybody without something in return, and I'm always the one doing the helping, even if I'm not the one benefiting in the end. Argh!"
"Being the hero sucks doesn't it? Everybody expects things from you," Sheogorath's words rang surprisingly true and she looked at him warily. "Doesn't change the fact that you have to help me!"
"With what?" she sighed, resigned to her fate. He grinned and clapped his hands in excitement.
"I'm sure you believe we're on a plane of Oblivion now, yes?" he asked. She nodded in agreement, propping her elbow on the arm of her chair and dropping her chin in her hand. "Well, you're wrong! Welcome to the deceptively verdant mind of the Emperor Pelagius III." He swept his arm in a wide arc, indicating the meadow around them. She groaned. Pelagius III was the one more commonly known as Pelagius the Mad. This was not good. "That's right!" Sheogorath continued, ignoring her distress. "You're in the head of a dead, homicidally insane monarch. Isn't it exciting?" He waggled his eyebrows at her.
"I'm not sure that's how I would describe it," she muttered.
He waved a hand in dismissal of her comment. "Before I go, you are going to help cure the mind of a madman! Doesn't that sound fun? And you're going to do it using…" He trailed off and rubbed his hands together, grinning like the madman he was. "The Wabbajack!" he cried, pulling his hands apart and conjuring a bizarre looking staff. "Didn't see that coming, did you?" he asked with a wink, holding it out so she could take it.
Her fingers wrapped around the cool wood and she studied it closely, more than a little freaked out by the strangely carved face at the top. "What's it do?" she asked.
Sheogorath made a noise of distaste. "You mean what doesn't it do?" he replied. "Why, it can cure the healthy, make the blind deaf, turn all your food into cheese! Who doesn't want that?"
"I'm not sure that's helpful," Raelynn murmured, spinning the staff in her hand. An orange globe of magic shot out the end and hit a nearby tree and it exploded into hundreds of butterflies.
"Watch where you point that thing!" Sheogorath barked. She blushed and cleared her throat. "Now, pick a path any path," the Daedric Prince continued, pointing at the three different arches in turn, "It won't matter which you chose, because by the end of the day you'll have visited them all!"
Raelynn stood and looked around. All three paths appeared identical from where she stood and she shrugged, picking a random one and starting down it. Sheogorath's voice echoed inside her head and she tried to stomp down the panic that was rising inside her stomach.
lllll
She dragged herself back into the center of the meadow, forest, mind of an insane and dead Emperor, wherever she was, and collapsed in a chair at the table. She looked over at Sheogorath and he grinned. "Well done, lass, well done! I suppose a promise is a promise then. Back to the Shivering Isles for me, back to Skyrim for you!" He paused and gave her that grin that sent chills down her spine. "Unless…" he hedged.
Raelynn stood and backed away, waving her hands in front of her as she shook her head. "No way," she said aloud. She had dealt with enough insanity to last her a lifetime. She belatedly realized she was still holding the Wabbajack and she gasped when another globe of magic burst from the end and struck Sheogorath in the chest. His jaw dropped and he blinked in surprise as the magic rolled over him and then sitting in his throne was a puppy. "Oh shit," Raelynn muttered as she dropped the Wabbajack, ignoring when another globe flew out and hit a tree, turning this one into a pile of sweet rolls. Her hands rose to cover her mouth as she stared at the angriest looking puppy she had ever seen.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no," she gasped. "Oh I am so sorry!" She fell to her knees next to the throne, hands extended but not touching the dog. "Please, please don't hurt me!" The puppy growled and then barked before it nudged her hand with its nose. She extended her fingers automatically, scratching his head. His eyes closed in pleasure and his tongue lolled when she began scratching around his ears. "You like that?" she asked. The puppy whined and headbutted her hand and she giggled, scooping him up and settling him in her lap so she could pet him.
He fell over in joy as her hands scratched and stroked his head and back and then tummy. She laughed and kept it up for several more minutes and then she eased the little creature out of her lap and grabbed the Wabbajack. The puppy barked and growled at her and she shrugged. "I have to turn you back. If you like being a dog, surely you can turn yourself into one. I thought Daedric Princes were all powerful or something?" It jumped around her legs and she ignored it, trying to aim at it with the Wabbajack. He danced around between her legs and she cried out when she missed the puppy and hit her boot, turning it into a rabbit.
She was barely able to hop away before she stepped on it, falling over and landing hard on her side. Another sphere went spinning across the open ground and hit a stone, shifting it into the smallest mammoth she had ever seen. The puppy abandoned her legs to chase the rabbit and the mammoth lumbered after them. Raelynn groaned and grabbed the Wabbajack, firing off several spheres and crossing her fingers, hoping that one of them would hit the puppy.
Much to her dismay, one of them gave the rabbit long fangs and it growled, sending her scrambling up onto the table. The mammoth shrunk even smaller and the puppy turned into grown dog. Behind the three animals, bushes and trees exploded into all kinds of objects and she groaned as blank scrolls, several heads of cabbage, and a massive stack of cheese fell into the clearing, scattering along the grass. The rabbit started after the mammoth and the dog sat down and began to lick himself.
Behind her there was a strange noise and she twisted to see the air warp with a purple vortex and then Farkas was standing there. He was similarly dressed in noble clothes and was facing away from her, but she knew it was him. He turned slowly and as his face came into view she could see he was trying to absorb everything going on around him. When he caught sight of her crouching on the table, also dressed in noble finery except for one boot, he stopped and shook his head.
"Hey Farkas," she greeted him cheerfully. "Welcome to the mind of Pelagius III. Or, what's left of it." She cringed and looked around at the chaos.
"Where?" Farkas asked, disbelief evident in his voice.
She sighed and nudged some empty plates aside so she could sit on the table. "I came in here to help some guy find his master and send him home," she started. "It turns out this guy's master is the Daedric Prince, Sheogorath. He pulled me into the mind of Pelagius III and told me if I helped him… er… fix it I could go home and he would also. Unfortunately before he could send me home I may have turned him into a dog." She motioned to the dog that was really going to town with the licking. "Wait. Why are you here?" she asked.
He snorted. "Falk saw you go into this wing and when you didn't come back out he sent me in after you." He crossed his arms and looked at the dog. "You're telling me that is our only way out of here?" he asked. She nodded and bit her lip. "How did you turn him into a dog?" he asked.
"With this," she held it up. "The Wabbajack."
"Well don't point it at me!" he snapped, reaching over to grab it from her. She flushed and shrugged and he shook his head at her. "Okay, let's see if we can fix him." He pointed it at the dog and sent another sphere of magic out of the staff. It hit the dog and Raelynn had to clamp her hand over her mouth to stop the giggles when the dog transformed back into Sheogorath who was still trying to lick himself. He paused and blinked and then lowered his leg and glared at her.
"Please don't hurt me!" she gasped, dropping down off the table. "It was an accident! I'm sorry."
To her surprise the glare dropped into a wide smile and Sheogorath laughed. "Hurt you? Ha! I should thank you! I haven't had that much fun in ages. Insanity! Chaos! You took a homicidally insane man and turned him into a regularly insane one! Brilliant! Couldn't have done better myself."
Farkas held the Wabbajack out to Sheogorath. "That's lovely, can you send us back now?" he snapped.
Sheogorath waggled his eyebrows at Raelynn. "Little protective of you, isn't he?" he teased. She flushed and shrugged. "But a deal's a deal. I'll send you back and here." He took the Wabbajack and handed it back to her. "A reward for you."
"Oh no, she does not need that. She gets into enough trouble without it," Farkas interrupted, snatching it away. Both Raelynn and Sheogorath pouted. He gaped at her. "You saw what you did. Why do you want it?"
She shrugged. "Because if I use it on a dragon, it will most likely turn the dragon into something that's less likely to eat me. That's why," she said. Farkas frowned, contemplating her words and then he shook his head and shoved the Wabbajack at Sheogorath.
"Sorry, not worth it, Raelynn," he stated. She made a noise of protest and he grabbed her around the waist and looked at the Daedric Prince. "We're ready to go back now," he said.
"Yes, yes. So bossy, keep your pants on," Sheogorath muttered. He held his hands up and summoned a vortex around them and just before the meadow faded he winked at Raelynn. They spent a few moments in the inky blackness of nothing and then they were standing back in the middle of the empty wing in the Blue Palace in Solitude.
Farkas let out an unmanly shriek and she looked at him and her eyes widened and she tore them away, unable to stifle her laughter. She was still wearing the finery that she had had on before while Farkas was now clothed in a too small tunic and his loincloth only. "Keep your pants on indeed," she murmured with more chuckles. Scattered on the ground was their armor and packs and Farkas muttered to himself while he got dressed. Raelynn tucked her armor into her pack and swung it over her shoulder. "Shall we?" she asked. Farkas grunted and together they walked out of the wing.