Chapter 25 – Waiting

"Crap!" I moaned as I slammed down the hood of my truck. Why I even thought I could fix whatever was wrong with it, I had no idea. My dad may have taught me how to change a tire, but when it came to engine troubles, I was at a complete loss.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I whined to myself, on the verge of panic. I quickly scanned through my cell phone contacts, but I knew everyone on that list were either out of town, or unavailable. "Shit, shit, shit," I mumbled, and seriously considered walking the ten miles home, but then…

"Something wrong with your truck?" Mike asked as he was heading to his car.

"Nope. Everything is great. Thanks," I said with a overly fake friendly tone.

"You sure? Because I can give you a ride somewhere if you need."

"Actually I have… a ton of people who can help me, so… no thanks," I replied with more bitterness than I intended.

"Okay, suit yourself," he said before heading to his car.

I stubbornly got back into my truck, and prayed to all things holy that it would miraculously just start again, but when it didn't make a sound, I huffed, and then sucked up my pride and ran after Mike. I absolutely hated doing it, but I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"So… how are things?" Mike tried to force small talk as we headed towards my dad's house.

"Great," I lied. I was sure he probably expected me to return the courtesy, but I didn't, and we drove the rest of the way in awkward silence.

"So-uh, I'm sure your truck won't be fixed by morning, so I can pick you up on my way in, if you want. We have the same schedule tomorrow," Mike offered as he pulled up to the house.

"My cousin Jasper lives with us. I'm sure he can give me a ride. But thanks for today," I said as politely as I was capable of.

"I just want to stress how important it is that you make it in tomorrow on time," he said as I was getting out of his car.

"I was only late once," I argued.

"Yeah, but you've taken quite a few sick days lately as well. Look, I'm not trying to be a dick. I know that's probably what you're thinking. I just have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, and I can't show you any favoritisms. My dad didn't even want me to hire you after what happened last summer, but I promised him I'd treat you like any other employee."

"What happened last summer?" I asked confused.

"Oh, come on. You remember the way we kept ditching work to hit the beach and all that."

I laughed once. "Oh, and that's my fault?" I asked incredulously. "It was always your idea, and you said you'd cover for us and it wasn't a problem."

"Yeah, but… now I'm the store manager. I don't know, it's just different now. I have to be more professional."

"I never asked you not to be. I couldn't help being late this morning, but I did notify you. It won't happen again," I assured him.

"Great. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page, and that there were no hard feelings because I made you work late and all."

"Why do you care about me possibly having hard feelings towards you?" I asked condescendingly. "You're my boss, not my friend. People have hard feelings towards their bosses all the time. If you can't take it, maybe you shouldn't be the boss."

"That's kind of harsh, Bella. We used to be pretty good friends before Cullen got in the way."

I unintentionally flinched at the casual way Mike brought up Edward, and he definitely noticed.

"What the hell did that guy do to you? You were never this tense before. Even when we were taking one of our breaks."

"Mike… can you just… not ask me about my personal life," I said, honestly trying to keep my tone light. I had to work with him for a while at least, and I was trying like hell to not make it any more miserable than it had to be, but he was making my attempt to stay cordial extremely difficult.

"I used to be your personal life," he argued.

"You were never my life, Mike," I corrected him. "You were only a small part of it."

"Maybe that's where you went wrong with Cullen. A guy shouldn't be your entire life, because when he is, it's hard to move on when it's over," he said, actually sounding sincere and almost companionate, as if he was legitimately trying to give me relationship advice.

It only pissed me off.

"You have no idea what kind of relationship I had with Edward, so mind your own damn business!" I said while slamming his car door shut, and then storming off towards my house.

"All I mean is it's hard to break up with someone when they're in every facet of your life!" he called after me through his opened window. "You can't get away from the guy if he's part of your family."

I couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he got a rise out of me, so I refused to stop and turn back to him. I just unlocked my house door, and slammed it shut the moment I was inside.

God, I hated that prick!

And I hated him even more because he was right. I had let Edward become my entire life. He was in my every thought, and in my every breath. Our relationship was only brief, but it was enough to impact me forever. I wish I could have just moved on the way I had after my break ups with Mike. They never hurt like that. I was never all that upset. So, I suppose, in a way, my relationship with Mike was so much healthier than my relationship with Edward ever could have been. I knew it going in. I knew it the first time Edward kissed me. If I ever lost him it would be excruciating, and I was right. Sometimes being right really sucked.

I sat in the kitchen for what felt like hours as the room grew dark around me. I knew I should probably make some dinner, but I just couldn't muster enough strength or motivation to do so. I told myself I was waiting for Jasper to arrive home, but I knew that wasn't really the truth. I was still waiting for Edward. I was always waiting for him. No one but him. And I always would be waiting for him, without any hope that he would ever actually come home.

With no word from Jasper, I decided I was simply too tired to stay awake any longer, so I headed to bed, and ended up fighting my night terrors all night. There was always so much blood in my dreams. Sometimes I'd find Edward dead, and other times he'd actually open his eyes and talk to me like there was nothing wrong with him sitting in a pool of his own blood. It was absolutely traumatizing, and I ended up being startled awake by the sound of screaming.

Of all the countless nights of my childhood when I'd hear Alice scream, I never could have imagined that one day I'd be the one screaming, and I was screaming for the exact same reason she had…

It was for Edward.

I was completely trembling after my last set of nightmares, so I got out of bed, and headed downstairs hoping to see Jasper's car in the driveway. I had no intention of waking him up at that hour, but just knowing I wasn't alone in the house would have made all the difference, but then I saw his disheartening text...

'Sorry, Bella. Stuck in some crappy weather and cell service is going in and out. I'm going to hunker in a hotel for the night. Hopefully roads will clear by tomorrow so I can make it home.'

"Figures," I said, while tossing my phone to the side. Even though I had never actually stayed home alone overnight before, I wasn't really scared, I just felt completely isolated. Every member of my family was gone, and I didn't even have friends left in that town. It was just a horrible feeling, so instead of even attempting to get back to sleep, I just curled up in a ball on the couch, and stared out the blackened window as I waited for the sun to come up.

When the room was no longer dark, I couldn't put off the dreaded inevitable any longer, so I grudgingly picked my phone back up, and text Mike asking for a ride into work after all.

Mike readily agreed, and when he arrived at my house, I was grateful he didn't rub it in.

"Thanks for the ride," I said evenly as I slid into his passenger seat.

"No problem. Your house is right on my way, so I can give you rides everyday until your truck gets fixed."

"Hopefully my cousin will be able to take me tomorrow," I mumbled, trying desperately hard to sound gracious rather than irritated like I was feeling.

"Yeah, but he works at my uncle's garage, right? That's like on the opposite side of town, and his hours are pretty sporadic. I'll just swing by and pick you up until you have your own car again. It's really not a big deal, and it makes much more sense."

Fearing that he was probably right again, I sighed and then nodded. "Okay, thank you. Hopefully it won't be for long. I'm sure my dad's case will be done soon, and we can figure out a different solution for my transportation."

"Yeah, sure. Just let me know when you get other plans. Until then, I'll make sure you get to and from work on time."

I nodded, and forced out another "Thank you," before spending the rest of the short drive silently staring out the window.

Work was as horrible as ever, and the only light in my day was when I finally made it back home, after another silent ride from Mike, and saw Jasper's car, finally in the driveway.

"Hey, you're home!" I nearly cried as I hugged him hello.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about last night. I know your dad didn't want you to stay alone overnight, especially after everything he said that happened with Edward, but I just couldn't get home. They completely shut down the interstate where I was. It was crazy," he told me.

"Well, I'm just glad you're back," I told him sincerely.

"Me too. How are you doing? I can't believe all that stuff that happened with Edward. Alice must be besides herself."

I closed my eyes tightly in another attempt to ward off the violent images, and thankfully, Jasper seemed to get the hint and he quickly changed the subject. "Hey, where's your truck? I didn't hear it when you came home."

"Oh, it took a crap on me yesterday. I had to leave it in the store parking lot. Do you think you can tow it to the shop for me tomorrow while you're working."

"Yeah, of course. Maybe I should head over there right now and see if there's a simple fix," he suggested.

"No, you don't have to do that. Mike said it wasn't a problem leaving it there for a couple days. It can wait until tomorrow. Maybe you can give me a ride over there in the morning, and take a look then."

"Sure. What time does your shift start?"

I looked up my schedule on my phone. "I don't go in until ten."

"Really? Crap, I need to be in work by eight."

"Oh…" I said disappointedly, realizing I was still going to need a ride from Mike.

"I can try to take my lunch break at ten to come pick you up, and I can tow your truck then too, but if there's other customers at that time my boss won't let me leave," he said regretfully.

"No, it's okay. I'll get a ride with Mike," I said with a sigh.

"A ride with Mike, huh?" Jasper said with underlying disapproval.

"Uh, it's certainly not by choice," I told him strongly.

"You sure about that?" he asked with a raised brow.

"Of course I'm sure about that!" I said insulted.

"Okay, I was only checking. It's just, you always seem to go back to that guy, and I'd hate to see you continue to be caught up in that trap. I mean, I know first loves are hard to let go of, and all…"

"He's not my first love!" I said, repulsed by the thought. "He was my first boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I ever loved him."

"Okay, I get it. I'm just saying, I don't think that guy is good for you."

"Well, he certainly never made me hurt the way I am now," I murmured, before getting up and heading back towards the stairs. "I've had a really long day; I'll talk to you more tomorrow. Okay?"

"Sure thing. Good night, Bella," he said with a sympathetic smile.

"Good night," I replied.

The next week basically went on the same way. Mike would give me rides to and from work, and even though I tried to be grateful and polite, we hardly spoke. When I would get home from work, sometimes Jasper would be there, and other times he wouldn't. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a casual conversation with anyone that didn't involve work, and I wondered if I was slowly going insane. Although, my stagnant lonely days were still almost heaven compared to the incessant nightmares I was having.

"So, at what point are you going to take a break from all this nonsense, and actually go get some help?" Jasper asked me one morning.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said in denial.

"Look, I can pretend like I don't hear you screaming at night, but I don't think it's doing you any good to just ignore it. You're like, suffering from PTSD, or something."

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"I don't think you are. What you saw… How you found Edward…"

Once again I squeezed my eyes shut, and this time put up my hand to silently ask him to not go there. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't. I had to just keep moving.

"Bella, you need to take a break from all that grocery store stuff, and see a therapist," Jasper said, despite my nonverbal protest.

"I can't take a break from my job. There's a hundred other people just waiting for a chance to get in there. I can't blow this."

"Why?" Jasper questioned. "This is silly. Go to college. Get a real job."

"You should take your own advice," I retorted.

"I'm a lot older than you. It would be weird for me to go to college now."

I rolled my eyes at him. "There are people of all different ages and backgrounds in college."

"Okay, so what's your excuse?" he challenged me.

"How am I going to go to college, and support my baby?" I asked frustrated.

"Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but that baby is a Cullen, no?"

"So?" I asked with a shrug.

"So, they're the richest family in the area. They're richer than the damn Newtons who own half the town. They offered to support you, so stop being so freaking stubborn, and let them."

"Jasper, you don't understand," I sighed. "I need to be able to take care of it myself, because otherwise, what the hell business do I have even bringing it into the world? I don't want to be dependent on anyone, but especially not on Edward's family when I'm hoping someday he will choose to go back there, and I don't want me and this baby stopping him."

"Bella, he has responsibilities to the baby too," Jasper said quietly.

"No he doesn't. Why is parenthood dependent on the girl? She chooses an abortion, the guy has no choice; she chooses to keep it, the guy still doesn't have a choice. I don't think that's right. We both have choices, and we've made those choices. I want to be a parent, and he doesn't, so that's that."

"Yeah, well… he probably should have thought about that before he had unprotected sex," Jasper countered. "If his family wants to help, you should let them. If having you and his child around prevents him from ever going home, then so be it. That's on him. You say you're working so you can do what's best for your baby, well, maybe what's best for your baby is for you to go to school and get a real career."

"I'm not against going to school, but it's still summer, so… I'm going to keep working as much as I can while I can. I'll sign up at the local junior college for some fall classes, but until then I need to work."

"No, you don't. It's not worth the stress," he continued to argue.

"Working is the only thing keeping me going right now," I said, becoming emotional. "I need to stay focused. I need to keep going everyday, because… because if I don't, I'm going to slip down that hole again, and I can't let that happen. I need to exhaust myself, or I'd never sleep at all. I have to stay busy, otherwise… otherwise I'll just be completely alone."

Jasper stared at me for a few moments, and then he smiled sadly and nodded. "I get it… I just wish there was a better option for you. Maybe if I talk to your dad, maybe…"

"No!" I snapped at him. "Jasper, don't talk to my dad about any of this! I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving all the time. He's worked so hard to get where he is at his job, and I'm not going to take that from him."

"But you're his daughter. If he knew you felt like this…"

"He'd ask for a different position," I finished for him. "I know, and I don't want him to do that. I'm eighteen. I don't need him sacrificing his dream job for me, and it wouldn't really change anything anyway. I'd still feel the need to keep moving as much as possible."

Jasper sighed. "It'll get easier for you. I know it will," he said supportively.

"I hope so, but…" I raised my shoulders.

I couldn't even fathom it getting any easier. In fact, I was sure it would only get harder. Much, much, harder. How was I going to give birth to Edward's baby without Edward? The thought was unbearable, so I tried like hell not to think about it, and the best way to not think about it, was to go to the worst place imaginable – Newton Grocery.

"My ride's here," I said to Jasper as I saw Mike pull up out front.

"Bella… just don't forget that guy is a jackass," he said unexpectedly.

I wanted to explode at him and tell him I'd never, ever, go back to Mike, especially while pregnant with Edward's baby, but I felt saying such a thing would just be a waste of breath. For Jasper to feel like he even had to tell me that at all was maddening, so I had to fight the urge to flip him off. Instead, I settled for just a flick of a wave, and then I walked out the door.