Word Count: 1,700
Levi closed the door behind his squad memebers. He glared at them for a solid window before walking over to the minute and tossing Lillian out the window.
All of this squad members jaws dropped in horroe, but then, a million million ghosts whoosehed upward, catching everyone by surprise. Except Lillian. The ghosts couldn't seem to catch her, so she ended up splattered all over the floor. The ghosts shrieked on utter horror. They had never seean a dead body before.
"CAPTAIN WHY?!" armin screeched.
"Because," he answered himself in a much deeper voice but before he could say anything else, the goats burst through the worm, baaring loudly.
"Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetings," the ond wrinky one said, phitting Jean in the thigh. "We have come for Jeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan."
"Actually, it's pronounced 'Jean,"'
"Shut it, horesy," the smol one said.
"Wait but why?" Sasha asked.
The old wrinkly goat stared her straight in the eye. "The deeeebt must bee paaaaiiid."
"The deeeeebt must be paaaaiiiid."
"The DEEEEEEEEEBT must be PAIIIIIIIIID."
"THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBT MUST BE PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID."
"THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBT MUST BE PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID."
Jean fainted. The goats dragged him away by the ears.
Connie suddenly fell to his knees, sceeching.
"Con-con, what fuck you screechin 'bout," sasha grumbled.
"MY HAIR!"
"You don't have any hair"
"MY HAIR IS FAKE!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR."
A shrunken suddenly flew through the air and pierced Connie's hairy head. Mikasa blew the smole away from her smouldering finger, giving her best bitch glare at everyone.
"NOOOOOO. CONNIEEEEEEE!" Sasha screeched.
"Wow, that was sexy," her boyfriend said.
"Thanks"
"Let's go save all humanity from the titans then get married"
"As long as you don't becomeporn s-"
"YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!" sahs pulled a fully loaded crossbow from her bra. She pointed it as Levi, even though he had had absolutely nothing to do with this any.
Erwin stepped in, dramatically posing. His eyebrows blushed in embarrassment.
"Everyone;" ge; dramatically; posted; "I;" he; dramatically; posted; againe; "have;" dramatic; pose;"no;" drama; pos; "idea " DRAMATIC; POSE; "how;" another; "to;" dramatic; "use;" pose; "semicolons;"not; one; not; two; not; even; three; or four; but; FIVE; dramatic; poses; "please;" pose; "send;" not; dramatic; pose; "help;" EXTRA; DRAMATIC; POSE; ; ;
"Tch," levi tched. "Eight out of fifteen for that last pose. Not dramatic enough."
Erwin;s; eyebrows; snapped; sssily; "Binch;" his; left; eyebrow said; "Sweaty;" his; eyebrow;s; said; "We; were; going; to; eliminate; all; the; titans; for; you; but; binch;" the; byebrows; raised; their; not; on; fleek; eyebrows;
"Wait, erwin, it was your EYEBROWS causing the Titan War?" Armin demanded.
"I; was; not; informed; of; this;" Erwin; dramatically; said;
"Yes;" his; brow; stated; "We; cantrol; the; titans; WE; caused; the; war; And; now; with; Erwin;s; lifespan; waning; we; must; select; and; groom; a; new; host;;;;;"
Everyone turned to Armin, including the eyebrows, who plucked themselves off Erwin's face.
"Any; last; words; befre; we; take; over; Arlert;" the; jeered; the; eyebrows;
Amin's already enormous eyes widened wonsiderably as tears formed at the corners of his eyes. He threw himself to the floor and began to grandy weep. "I'm in love with a rOCK!" he cried
"哎呀," mikasa said. "誰啊? 誰啊、誰啊?"
"Wat," hange said.
"誰啊? ?"
"Wait!" Eren yelled. "There's only one rock in this universe that Armin could have possibly fallen in love with! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
"誰啊? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? " Mikasa helplessly asked as everyone else chorused, "WHO?" and held their breath dramatically.
Eren reached into his pocket, and very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, veyr, very, very, very, very, vey, very, very, very, very, very, very, vey, very, very, very, very, ery, vey, vry, veryv, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, vey, beyu, very. Very .v ery, very, very, very, vey , vey, very, very, very ,vey, very, ery, vey, very, very, very, very, very, very very, very, very, very, very, "very is a very green word to me, " very veried, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, varioousoisd, variosus, varuous,very, very, very, very very, very, very, very, very, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, very, veyr, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, vry, berry, bery, bery, very, very, very, very, very, ery, ver, very, very, very, very, very ,very, very ,very ,very ,ver h,ver h, ery,v ery, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, very ,very ,eyr veyv,,sg,yvwr,y vw,yr, very, very, very, veryj, very, very, fey, vey veyf, veyv ey, very, very, very, very, very, ver very, very, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, vey, vey, vey, very,, very ver y, very, very ,very ,very ,very ,very, very,very, veryvery, ververy, ery, very, evey, veryda, very, very, sveyr, vdyer, veydr, every, dverye, vdery, vye, very, vey, ve4y, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, er, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very ,very, very, veyr veyre, veyr, vyef, ey ,efy ve,ry ,efy ver,yve yr, veyr, vyer, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, vyer, vyer, very,v ery, very, very, very,v ery, very, veyr, veyk,v eyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, vyekr, vye, vye,r ve yr, veyr, vey, vey, veyr, veyf, veyf, eyvv,ev yk,ev ye,, vey,v ey,v ey,v e, very, ve ry,v ery, ve ry, veyr, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr, veyr ,veyr, veyr, veyr, very, very,v ery, very, veyr, very, very, very, very, very, very, ey, very, very, very ,eyyyy lmap, veyr, veyr very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, 420 blaze it lmao, v3ry, vyr, very, veryvery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr,v ery, veyr very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very ,very ,very, very, very, very, very,v ery,v ery,v ery, very, very, veyr, very, very very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, very very, vey, very, veyr, very, very, very, very, very,, very, very, very, very, veyr, veyr, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, very,, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, veyr, veyr, veyr, very, very,v ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, ery, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
"OKAY," levi yelled, "we get it. There are a lot of "very"s!"
Very, very, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrryyyyyy slowly
"NO! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" Levi screeched, slapping the nattator/author's hand. "Not slowly. No verys, no slowly. Just. GET. ON. WITH. THE. STORY."
Eren pulled a rock out of his pocket and proudly held it over his head. "Hilbert!" he declared.
"You fool! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" five-year-old Lillian screeched, slapping Hilert the rock out of his hand. She picked up hilbert the rock and started running away again. "You FOOLS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
"Yeah, what Lily said!" Sasha yelled. "You fool! No one on this earth could ever love Hilbert the rock!"
"Only Dwayne "The Rock" ohnson is a rock capable of being loved!" Connie cried, coming back from the dead.
Everyone softly gasped.
"SOFTELY; GASPS;" Erwin; softly; gasped; "Armin; it; it true; Are; you; really; in; love; with; Dwayne; "The; Tock;" Johnson;"
Before Armin could answer, a oopy green portal opened itself up in spacetime and Pixis and Cooler Pixis stepped out.
"Shit," Levi said, pulling out a mixture of glitter and ashes out of his pocket and throwing it at his feet and disappeated in a sprakly pink poof.
"Nuuuuuuuuuu," not-Col Pixis cried, reaching out to touch the sparkly pink poof, but Cooler Poxies stopped him.
"It's okay, not- Cool Pixis, you'll have a gay old man threesome with him someday."
"You don't understand, Cooler pixis! You at least have your coolness to get you AU Levis! I… have nothing."
"It's okay not-Cool Pixis, you just have to find the AU Levi that likes not-Cool Pisises. Pixises? Pixi? Prix-prixions?"
"Pixi," not-Cool Pixis sadly said and began to bawl, "But the only AU Levi that likes me is the not-Cool Levi! I don't handt to settle for the not-cool Levi!"
The door and wall leading into the room suddenly broke down and Gasolinea remixed with Megalovania remixed with Hello Darkness my old Friend remixed with "All Star" by smash Mouth except every time the word somebody is said "somebody" plays in its stead remixed with the entire bee movie except every time they say bee it gets faster began blasting, but ten seonds in i t changed into a rIckroll and everyone groaned.
"Moblit!" Hange snapped. "What's gotten into you?!"
Moblit linked his tongue up and down and started blasting Evanescene "Wake Me Up Insde."
Guess We'll have to figh t fire with fire," Hanjo mtuttered , reaching into her pants and pulling out a paunch pad. She pressed a few buttons, and a few seconds later, arude Sandstorm began ot play. Weed grew up all around her as she crosesd her arms and a hat and shades appeared on her head.
Moblit squinted at her, twiddled a few buttons, and just before the next chrous of Neer gonna Give You Up played, airhorns began to blast and everyone screamed, "JOHN CENA(™) ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Doo-doo-doo-dooooooo! Da-dunha-duh! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
eVERYONE freeze framed and record scatced, followed by another freeze frame, Hagjime Isayama jimped out of nowhere into the real lifes and yelled, "WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT? WHAT WILL HAVNGE MEME NEXT IN THE NEXT MEME WAR AS THEY MEME FOR THE TITLE OF MEMELORD?! FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
Author's Note xxx. hey kids fun fact 35.7% of this year's crackfic is the word "very". I stopped looking at the screen or the keyboard as i typed, but it's not technically blind. I wrote it all out in my wee little notebook that I carry around with me for me writing ideas. So, technically, there is a perfectly spelled version out there. The "very"s just kind of padded out the word count because i wanted an Even Number like last year, but I didn't want to make you all suffer with 400 extra "very"s... because originally there were only 464 verys, but now there 607.
Also holy CRAP season TWO airs TOADAY and i'm not sure how i feel about it because as i type out this author's notes it's the anniversary of julius cesar's stabbing! ! ! ! march 15th for y'all plebeians. anyway HYPE STILL I'M SO NOT READY. also there's a piece of legitimate foreshadowing in this crack fic... though i suppose it's not very subtle. idk leave a guess or something in the reviews (if that's what you're into) and as always kiddies, have a greaaaaaaaaaat daaaaaaaaay~