Silvers003: You're welcome. I needed it too after such a long break. Although I did write during that trip, it wasn't enough for me XD… That platform is supposed to be a physical body for Gideon. I'm sorry if that was unclear, but you know, it was said somewhere at the beginning of this story that she would also have a physical body. I know that was a long time ago, but it's true. XD I hope that everything else is clear and thank you really for your encouraging words. They help every time in the most beautiful ways. :)
bruno14: I felt sorry for that ending in fact, I really did XD, but it just had to come out in the end one way or another… Poor Sara :D I suppose that you're probably not gonna be happy when I say that Sara will be now sort of a regular thing in this story? I hope you'll survive… Cute Olivarry fluff is one of the most beautiful things on this world for me. I'm happy you liked it, because I just simply couldn't NOT write the morning after that night. I can't get enough of that when I read other fanfics and when I gave it a try, it was really a lot of fun… Felicity is great in everything she does. It's really hard for me to not like her :)… I'm glad for that too, because after all she is an AI so she is allowed to have feelings. I'm very interested to see how her character will develop in the future. And Harry wouldn't want to push her into anything. He just thinks differently, but he still has a heart. And I'm glad he chose to follow his heart rather than his brain on that matter… Maybe it doesn't look like it, but Oliver drifting away from Barry hurt me too. And this chapter hurt me even more, so you should look forward to it XD. Just trust me and everything will be okay, my friend. Enjoy it! ;).
Sad chapter incoming! So please don't be mad at me about it, because I too suffered while writing this XD. But I still hope you'll enjoy it at least in some small ways.
And the world didn't start spinning after that. Not even with minutes and hours coming and going. They'd called him from Mercury Labs just like Harry had said, offering him a real job. He would definitely lie if I he'd said that this fact had brought him nothing more than just clear annoyance. Because yes, he had a perfect job with his friends by his side. Yet he was full aware of the fact that Mercury Labs was comparable with its accomplishments and inventions to STAR Labs. Which was why he couldn't help and feel proud that they'd offered him the job without wanting anything else. It wasn't like he'd done something remarkable, considering Gideon was still a secret for the rest of the world.
However, he didn't hesitate, not even for a second, when the offer had appeared. And he used all the politeness within him to turn that offer down in the most pleasant way there was. The guy on the other end of that line wasn't exactly thrilled about that, but that was something which Barry refused to pay attention to. Because with this day, more problems had appeared than he was ready to admit.
Oliver refused to talk to him for the rest of the day. Even when Barry tried to approach him and speak to him, Oliver either just walked away or made some stupid excuse to do something else. And every time the blond did that, Barry's heart ached even more. Because the man he'd fallen in love with was once again pulling away from him and Barry had no idea how to fix it.
And when it was time to go home, he had no other choice than just go alone. Without Oliver laughing at his stupid jokes and holding his hand tightly. Without that warm feeling illuminating him inside. Now he felt cold and lonely. His mind was mercilessly drifting away to every bad memory he held in his mind. And everything good that had happened to him seemed to get astray to a place where he couldn't reach for it no matter how hard he tried.
However, he couldn't make himself feel sorry for what he'd said to Oliver. He hadn't done anything wrong and even though their current situation pained him in the most dreadful ways possible, he still believed in his words. To him going after Thea still seemed like the right decision. And he wanted to believe that Oliver would see that once too. Maybe it was naïve but in times like these, Barry's naivety was the only thing which was holding him back from an utter breakdown. It was a belief which had been born during that night when he and Oliver had been sitting on that roof and properly talking for the first time. And it had been growing ever since. Now it was so strong, that destroying it was something unimaginable in his mind. Thanks to that he knew that Oliver would really think about it like he'd said. Maybe other people wouldn't believe in such stupidities, but Barry was different. He believed in him and nothing could stop him from that. That was how love tasted like.
Yet he still missed Oliver's presence dearly. As he was lying in their bed, trying so hard to fall asleep, the thoughts of that talk they'd had were a constant reminder of how broken their relationship suddenly was. The thoughts of Oliver not being able to face him properly, to look him in the eye at least for a second. The thoughts of Oliver purposely avoiding him. Such things on his mind caused his heart to mercilessly ache. And it hurt even more when he'd remembered how happy they'd been just a day before that. How laughing and smiling couldn't be more natural for them. Now it was different and such carefree spirit had gotten lost in the process. And no matter how hard Barry was trying to find it again, he never did. Which was why falling asleep felt enormously difficult. After so many peaceful nights with no worries occupying his mind, he once again felt lost in that darkness, unable to find his way back home on his own.
He had no idea how much time had passed. Time seemed to have no meaning when the only thing he could do was to shift uncontrollably to find the right position. Although Barry didn't see any difference between them, because it still hurt the same, he couldn't help it. With all this pain, he welcomed every little stupid thing which would keep him from drowning in his sorrow. Which was another naïve thing he'd let himself to believe in. That it would pass soon when it had just begun. He had no idea where Oliver was. The only thing he knew was the fact the blond was away because of him. And if that wasn't meant to make him feel depressed, then what was? And after minutes and hours, it started to be really hard to hold back his tears, which were so aggressively fighting for the way out of darkness.
And then, when it seemed like he couldn't reach even bigger hopelessness, his ears suddenly heard familiar sounds. And even though it was dark so much that he could barely see, his insides ignited as soon as Oliver appeared in his sight. The blond didn't turn on any lights, didn't say anything. Instead of that, he did everything in his power to stay silent. And when he lied down on the bed right next to the brunet, Barry didn't dare to move. He stayed silent so much that he even forgot to breathe properly, which was exactly what gave him away to his lover. Thanks to that, Oliver was perfectly aware that Barry was awake even without seeing him properly. Yet he didn't dare to say a word, because after all this time he still had no idea what to say. His brain was blank for words just as his mouth was dry. But at the same time, he remembered how broken Barry had looked when he'd walked away from him that day. And knowing that he was the reason for that hurt him more than he was able to admit.
Barry kept his position still, lying peacefully with his eyes closed on one of his sides, fully facing the blond. Because of that he had no other choice than just listen to the unbearable silence hurting his ears. And as he was there, still refusing to move, he couldn't help but innerly fight with himself. Because he wanted so much to just open his eyes and snuggle closer to Oliver and stay in that embrace the whole night. But at the same time, fear was rapidly winning over him, keeping him from even attempting to do something like that. Which led to him cursing and hating himself more than anything in that exact moment.
However, every thought got silenced as he felt Oliver's hand grasping his own tightly. At first, he thought that it was just a mistake or that he was just hallucinating or dreaming about it. But after a few more seconds he easily realized that no such thing was true. Oliver was really there, holding his hand in a tight grasp, not daring to pull away. And that one simple gesture did wonders to Barry. It once again let that astonishing feeling of warmth be born and ignite inside his body. And as it was illuminating everything it could reach, making that darkness once again completely disappear, Barry couldn't help but genuinely smile. Because yes, he knew that this hardly meant that they were okay. They still needed to talk, but it was something. It was a first step and quite frankly it was the perfect sign that what they held was not gone. It was there, still going strong, ready to fight for its life if necessary. And that was all Barry needed to know in that moment. Thanks to that, falling asleep was no longer trouble as before. And even though he couldn't see it, something deep inside him was assuring him that Oliver was smiling too. Which couldn't be any truer.
"Ehm, Earth to Barry," Cisco said louder, snapping his fingers in front of Barry's face, who was clearly lost in his own world.
"W-what?" Barry stuttered as soon as his mind came back to reality.
"You know, it's really hard to talk about which comic book hero is the best when all I can do is lead a monologue," Cisco remarked and sipped from his coffee. With that it didn't take long until Barry realized it was morning and they were sitting in Jitters before they would have to go back to work.
"I know and I'm sorry. It's just that…," Barry replied, finding it hard to finish as he ran a hand through his hair with a clear frustration.
"Trouble in paradise?" Cisco asked, arching an eyebrow at his best friend.
"Is it really so obvious?"
"Pretty much. I think that the fact Oliver was here when we entered and immediately left as soon as he spotted us gave that away," Cisco pointed out, pursing his lips awkwardly. "Which is quite impressive, because even I have never screwed up so badly that he would avoid me like this. I really admire you."
"And that is supposed to make me feel better?" Barry murmured, little irritated of how Cisco was messing with him even though he could see that Barry was going through a clear crisis.
"I think you're forgetting the fact you're dating Oliver Queen, the meanest person I know. Or did those times when he'd done nothing else than just insulted you already get lost?" Cisco wondered, cocking his head slightly to one side. And Barry couldn't help but sorrowfully sigh. He wasn't mean to me.
"They didn't, but I thought that we were already behind that," Barry pointed out sadly, fiddling with his hands awkwardly.
"Unfortunately, that's part of who he is and you can't change him completely. No matter how hard you try."
"I know and I'm not trying to do that, but…"
"Sometimes you forget what a dickhead he really is," Cisco scoffed, finishing his sentence, causing Barry to chuckle.
"And here I thought that you two were already friends," Barry pointed out with a smirk forming on his face.
"Did he actually tell you that?" Cisco wondered, lifting one of his eyebrows hopefully.
"He did mention that once, yes."
"Oh my god, I can't believe that this is really happening," Cisco exclaimed childishly with a huge smile forming on his face. "Oliver Queen sees me as his friend."
"And what happened to him being a dickhead?" Barry questioned with a smug smile.
"Stop insulting my friend, Barry. It's really rude of you," Cisco judgmentally remarked, crossing arms over his chest and shaking his head.
"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Barry snorted, running a hand through his hair once again.
"Don't tell me that you two have just broken up when I finally became friends with him," Cisco begged sarcastically, lowering his head of sudden downfall of his mood.
"We didn't break up," Barry firmly denied, hinting on the fact he didn't like how insensitively Cisco spoke to him about it. "He's just way too stubborn."
"Let me guess - you wanted to convince him to go look for his sister and he wasn't as thrilled by this idea as you are," Cisco claimed, playing with his long hair.
"And how do you possibly know that?" Barry asked, totally stunned by the spoken words.
"Because I remember how Felicity and Harry were trying to convince him and failed. When it comes to this, his annoying stubbornness is an unbeatable opponent. No one has actually changed his mind about that yet and I doubt someone will."
"I should talk to Felicity then. Maybe she will know how to help."
"What for? She won't tell you anything new. I told you everything. It doesn't matter what you do, you can't convince that dickhead to meet his sister. Many have already tried and all of them failed. And I know that you two are close, but do you really think that this will be any different?" Cisco wondered, scowling at the man before him. He didn't want to suggest that Barry couldn't help Oliver. Only thing he wanted was to show that maybe letting go of this subject was the right decision. Because they were happy before. Even Cisco could see it every time he looked at Barry. Because there was always something which was so beautifully indicating how happy he in fact was. Those smiles, that carefree mood. He acted like the world couldn't hurt him anymore even though Cisco was sure that deep down Barry knew it could. And Oliver was the same. And Cisco would lie if he said that the blond was still just a dickhead anywhere he went. The brunet had really changed him. Thanks to that, Oliver was now a lot nicer, more empathetic and finally willing to let actually something more than just insults escape his mouth. Cisco could see it clearly which was why he no longer needed to avoid the blond. And although their friendship was not typical in so many ways, it was real and Cisco was glad that they escaped the enemy-status which had been making every damn day in STAR Labs worse before.
Barry lowered his head as the realization struck him. He knew that he was stubborn and that stopping him from doing something was an impossible cause. Yet he would lie if he said that his determination to help Oliver was still as strong as before. Because it wasn't. He had his doubts and worries and mostly he knew that it could shatter their relationship mercilessly into million pieces if he wasn't careful enough. But how could he let this go? He knew that he was making Oliver happy, happier than ever before. Everyone had said that so it had to be true. Yet Barry couldn't help but believe that maybe Oliver could be even happier. Because he could clearly see every time he looked at his lover that something was still missing, that some kind of sorrow was still mercilessly dragging after him, following him everywhere he went. That darkness was still there. Not many could see it, but Barry was special. He knew that sort of pain very well and it was why he knew that backing down would be wrong. Because Oliver deserved better.
"Still worth a try," Barry stated in the end with a smug smile and with that Cisco really didn't have anything else to say. He just smiled, happy at how Barry loved the blond. It was getting to be more and more obvious by the days flowing around them. And hopefully, Oliver felt the same way.
Oliver kept his part of a bargain. He really tried to think about it. Honestly, that was the only thing he had on his mind. It kept him from doing pretty much anything else and so he didn't have any other choice than just think this through. And yet he came to the same conclusion in the end. That changing his mind about it proved to be impossible no matter how hard he tried.
Only a single thought was enough. It was all that was needed to cause his whole world to shutter into million pieces. Because yes, he'd thought about going after her. He could hardly count all those times when he'd missed her smile, her eyes and her voice so much that he'd almost gone after her. In the end he'd never done that, which had caused him the most dreadful pain there was. Because every time he'd been close to breaking his stubbornness and overcoming his fear, one single memory was all it took to stop him from making any attempt. Only one mere thought was enough to cause his world to collapse.
He was cold. Freezing even and it didn't matter what the thermometer was telling him, no matter how hard Oliver tried, he couldn't stop his body from trembling so much. He looked around his room for the hundredth time, earning nothing more than those same dreadful feelings all over again. This was no home, this was a prison, constantly reminding him that he no longer had any other place to go. He didn't have any home on this world anymore.
Oliver hopelessly looked at the nearest clock, lowering his head afterwards. He knew they were coming. They'd been always doing that in the exact same time every week since he'd showed up. Every time he didn't understand and every time he refused to fight back. Because there was no point. He was no match for them. Their number made them superior, but even if he'd had to fight with only one guy, he wouldn't find the strength to do so. Because after all, they couldn't cause him worse pain than the one he was already feeling. And so he was waiting for the horrible routine, which was inevitably coming to get him.
One thing which had always surprised him was the fact they'd never dared to come late. They were always on exact same time there, preparing themselves to get their hands on him.
And today was no different. So he watched how all of them approached him with their usual threatening stares, sharing the same insults on his account all over again. Their limited vocabulary held no meaning to him though. And neither did the bruises which were going to cover his body soon. The only thing that mattered was the fact that even though it hurt every fucking time they did it, it allowed him to forget about how wretched he in fact was. This was the only time when other thoughts placed in his head, stopped meaning anything. They just kind of vanished and only the feeling of hurt, caused by those children, remained. And he couldn't help but wonder why he was feeling this way, when all his life he'd believed that physical pain was the worst way of suffering in this whole world. Oh how stupid he in fact had been.
He watched as the biggest guy of them stepped forward. He'd known this was their leader since he'd first laid his eyes on him. It was obvious just by a single look at him. He was the highest of them all, nothing more than just muscles ruling over every inch of his body. His black hair was cropped almost invisible for Oliver to spot. But the worst thing about him were his eyes. Because at first, they looked normal like any other pair of eyes. But Oliver knew better and even though not everyone could see it like he did, there was something hidden behind these eyes. Something which was behind every child's eyes in this orphanage. It was a sign of how affected they were and that it had changed them in many ways. There were times when Oliver had been worried that this would happen to him too and that one day, his eyes would also indicate how even more fractured he'd become because of this place. Now something was telling him that it had already happened and there was nothing he could do to change it. Even Thea couldn't fix it anymore.
Oliver didn't dare to lift his head and to look into this boy's eyes. It was too much for him to take. He was scared of facing him and the only thing he wished was to finally be done with this heartbreaking routine.
He could swear that the guy had shouted something at him, but Oliver was so far lost, that paying attention to it seemed impossible. Then he felt how the guy had spat on him, which caused him to immediately clench his jaw and lift his head to face the bullies properly.
"Not so deaf, huh?" the guy mocked with the cruelest smirk Oliver had ever seen, yet he stayed silent. He'd been here long enough to know that speaking before getting a permission was one of the worst things he could do. But at the same time, he wasn't so gullible to believe that staying silent the whole time would save him from this upcoming physical assault. So he just waited, hoping that… he had no idea what he was hoping for. In his mind, everything looked like nothing could make him feel better. He had no home, no safe place to go. His mind was his own prison, so how could he spend his time imagining something better, when his hope was so quickly slipping through his fingers?
He heard a few more insults coming on his account, flinching every time one of those guys moved their hands. That earned him even more mocking from their side, but he didn't care. The only thing he wanted was to pray that she wouldn't come and find him like this ever again.
And suddenly without any warning, he felt as the guy in front of him mercilessly slapped him with all his might, causing him to almost lose his balance. And fighting an urge to cover his assaulted cheek had never felt harder. He already felt as the bruise was growing, although he refused to let it be known. Instead he just silently awaited another round of punches to his stomach, then someone from behind kicked him to his leg, forcing him to kneel in front of the bullies. His eyes fluttered as the tears held inside were strongly fighting for their way out. But he wouldn't let them, because deep down he knew that that would make everything only worse.
He watched as those guys lifted their hands and legs, preparing themselves to cause even more pain, but before they could do anything, he heard a far too familiar voice, which caused him to break even more.
"Hey! Leave my brother alone!" Thea shouted at them and furiously charged at them with everything she had. Oliver's heart relentlessly ached as he watched the bullies approaching her and attacking her with the same ruthlessness as him before. And although he knew he couldn't help as much as he wanted to, he still stood up and determinedly joined the fight, now actually exchanging some punches with those tyrants. Yet he knew that Thea was far more successful than he was. She might be younger than him, but she'd always been stronger both on outside and on inside as well. He on the other end was every time scared, struggling to find any courage within him. But now his sister was in danger because of his problems. The bullies wanted to torture him, not her. But every time Thea had seen them punching him, she couldn't hold back and do nothing. And right now, Oliver was really not sure whether he was glad for that or whether he hated her for that.
But even with all Thea's determination to save the situation, they were still in a disadvantage. So when both of them lost all their strength the job of those bullies was done for this week. They walked away from them, leaving them lying there with incoming bruises all over them without any sign of feeling sorry for it. Oliver looked at trembling Thea, trying so hard to reach her with his shivering hand, but before he could do it, his vision faded to black and the last thing he remembered from that day was how they'd both woken up in a hospital ward. And how enormously it hurt to see Thea's body covered with bruises.
"Why do you keep doing that? They are not your problem, so why can't you just leave it be?" he asked little angrily of her reckless actions. However, Thea didn't back down from his words. The only thing she did was smile warmly at him.
"Because you're the only person I've got left. And it doesn't matter where we are or how much we suffer, when you are with me I know that we are going to be okay," she softly whispered and reached for his hand, clutching it afterwards. And they stayed like this until the fatigue didn't take over.
"Are you okay, Oliver?" he heard a familiar feminine voice coming to the surface, breaking him from reliving this memory completely. He slightly flinched and blinked as his mind tried to come back to reality and when he'd finally remembered where he was, his eyes aimed at the ginger-haired woman in front of him.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked coldly, trying so hard to play everything cool, but obviously failing miserably. Caitlin's skeptical frown was the perfect proof of that.
"I don't know. You tell me," Caitlin persisted determinedly, came closer and sat beside him. During all the time she'd worked in STAR Labs she'd never seen Oliver literally do nothing in his lab. Every time her eyes had wandered off to the blond he'd been working. But now no such thing was true and she was really worried about the cause of it.
"It's nothing really. I just have a lot on my mind right now," Oliver admitted timidly and shrugged.
"Doesn't sound like nothing to me. Does it have anything to do with Barry?" Caitlin asked softly.
"It's just that…," Oliver sighed, lowered his head and ran a hand through his hair. "He's just digging into things he shouldn't be."
"I think he's just trying to help you in his own terms, so why don't you let him?"
"Because sometimes it's better not to know all the details."
"Maybe, but sometimes these same details are the very thing, which could destroy what you two have together. And I know you don't want that, do you?" Caitlin pointed out, pursing her lips and cocking her head slightly to one side. However, Oliver refused to say anything. His head stay lowered as before and he couldn't help but awkwardly start fiddling with his sweaty fingers, desperately trying to find words but staying empty-handed anyway.
Caitlin observed him with all thoroughness, but it still didn't help her in any way. She still had no idea what was going on in that brilliant mind of his. But then again how could she know anything? When it came to the blond, Felicity would be always the better choice or Doctor Wells or Barry himself, but her? What did she have to offer? She didn't know him. They barely talked so what was she supposed to say that would make it all okay?
She wanted to leave right in that moment, because she was too much scared that she would make things even worse. And she almost did that, when suddenly without any warning one thought struck her. And that caused her to smile bravely. Because there was one thing only she knew and only she could use it to her advantage.
"I was in Iron Heights the other day to see Henry and he actually asked about you," Caitlin pointed out with a small smile, causing Oliver to lift his head finally.
"What did you say?"
"I couldn't say much, because I doubt that Barry has said anything about you two to him. But I mentioned that you are better now mostly because of his son."
"And what did he say?" Oliver asked, letting a small smile take over him.
"He smiled and said that he was glad that he was right in the end. That one talk was all that was needed to create the pillars of a friendship," Caitlin responded tenderly, causing Oliver to once again lower his head as the realization struck him. Yet Caitlin's determination carried on. "Why can't it be enough to help you with anything you're going through?"
"Because I believe that even a guy like Barry Allen has his limits. I've done a few things in my life which I'm not proud of. And I feel like…," Oliver claimed, but his voice got broken as he failed to finish his sentence.
"You worry that if Barry found out, he would leave you," Caitlin whispered instead of him, shooting a compassionate glance at him.
"Is it really so hard to believe?" Oliver asked, shrugging hopelessly and letting a weak smile appear on his face. "Because I can't stop being worried, when I know that Barry is so much better than I've ever been. He would never lower himself as much as I did." At admitting all these things, Oliver felt as fighting his tears back was becoming more and more difficult. He didn't want to cry in front of Caitlin, but he couldn't help it. The thought of Barry leaving him just hurt so much.
"I think you should let him be the judge of that and tell him the truth. Because he knows you, Oliver, better than almost anyone. He is the person you should lead upon the most, the person you shouldn't be afraid of sharing certain things with. He chose to be with you for a reason and I doubt that this reason has stopped being true. And there is nothing you have to say, which could convince him to leave you. He chose to dedicate this part of his life to understanding you. So help him with that," Caitlin assured him kindly and gently caressed his shoulder. And Oliver actually listened to her words, repeating them over and over again in his measureless mind and then storing them carefully. And as he was rapidly slipping from reality, he didn't even notice when the comforting hand of Caitlin had vanished from his shoulder and he'd become once again alone in his lab.
He didn't let any other memories come to his head, because he knew that they wouldn't help him in any way. They would once again channel the inner fear in him, which was his most menacing enemy. It was what had been always holding him back from doing things which hadn't felt right at first but then they did. The very thing which had convinced him to do things which had seemed right at first but now he could see they were one of his biggest regrets. And this caused an utter discrepancy to be born in his head.
He didn't want to be afraid all the time. Especially of saying things to Barry. The brunet had never judged him in any way and even though he'd had multiple reasons to leave Oliver alone, he never had. It was just like Caitlin had said – Barry had chosen to be with him. That was something which was strictly laid out in a stone. It couldn't be erased or overwritten. It could just exist and continue holding some meaning. A meaning which had been the constant reminder of the fact that fear was okay if Oliver hadn't let it rule over him in the end. Because he'd been scared of letting Barry enter his life completely and of letting him stay there for good. He'd feared to start caring for him and to accept his every offered help. And when it had come to repaying this help, he'd struggled enormously, but he had still done that in the end, because he hadn't let fear take over him completely.
And then, when his feelings had finally come out of the darkness, he could hardly explain how much terrified he'd in fact been. Because even with his perfect memory recalling times, when he'd cared so much about something, about someone as much as he cared about him, had felt much harder than anyone would think. He'd thought that he'd become more resistant to this sort of falling for someone. And yet here he was, completely enchanted by everything Barry represented, by everything his boyfriend stood for. He was so in love that he couldn't help but feel wonderstruck that so many things which had held meaning before were now rapidly getting overshadowed by how happy he in fact was. And he knew that this happiness could prevail if he'd fought for it.
So in the end he just timidly smiled at the ground beneath him and slowly closed his eyes, feeling as the ruthless discrepancy was leisurely vanishing. With that he finally knew what he was going to do. And quite frankly, he was terrified beyond belief, but at the same time he also knew that it was fine. It was okay to be scared for as long as he wouldn't let it overpower him completely. And damn straight he would never dare to do that.
Barry was silently leaning on the railing of Oliver's balcony, watching as the countless lights glittered throughout the whole Central. He listened to numerous sounds of noise spreading rapidly through the streets. And yet they the noise itself wasn't so loud for him to consider it unbearable. But then again, he was so fed up with multiple thoughts troubling him that focusing on such small details as the noise proved to be impossible. So he just carried on with his brooding until a far too familiar sound came to the surface.
"I thought that you were afraid of heights," Oliver pointed out sheepishly, breaking Barry from his trance.
"I thought that it could actually help me to think about something else for a change, but it seems that I was wrong," Barry murmured and smiled weakly. Without turning his head he spotted as the blond walked closer and leaned on the railing right next to him, yet still keeping a slight distance between them. At this fact Barry found it enormously difficult to not see that as a bad sign. And fighting the urge to let his paranoid thoughts take over him felt much harder than he was brave enough to admit.
He waited for Oliver to say something, to make some sound or expression, anything to be honest. Just a little hint of the fact that Oliver had come in peace and not to argue anymore. But in the end nothing came and as the silence happened to be ruthlessly unbearable, Barry couldn't hold it anymore and say the one very thing which had been occupying his mind since he'd talked with Cisco.
"I know that we are now busy with preparing Gideon for her big night and I want you to know that I'll do everything that you need from me no matter what," Barry assured him calmly, turning his head slightly to look at him. However, Oliver's face stayed as expressionless as before. The blond was too scared to face him still, because deep down he knew that some but was coming from Barry's mouth.
"But there is something else I need to talk with you about. When we're done with everything, I plan on coming to Starling City for a while. It will be just for a few days so I'll be able to return before you present Gideon to the world." Oliver listened to Barry with everything within him and when these words had found their way into his ears, he could swear that time completely froze for a minute. Yet for him it seemed like a whole eternity twisting him remorselessly like he was some sort of puppet. He tried to repeat those exact words in his measureless mind but only one fact played an actual role in the end. Barry Allen was going to Starling City and Oliver was going to be alone. It didn't matter that it was just for a few days. It was enough to make Oliver tremble of fear just by a single thought of it. And with that it was really hard to not let the fear rule over him completely.
"Are you sure?" Oliver asked hopelessly, slowly blinking with a clear frustration coming to get him. He knew it was a stupid question with the most obvious answer there could be. Oliver was fully aware why Barry had decided to go and although he didn't like it at all, he doubted there was some way he could change it. Yet he was willing to try.
"Yes, I am sure and I'm not gonna change my mind about it," Barry determinedly replied, turning his gaze back to Oliver. Yet the blond still couldn't take it and refused to look at him as well. "Please say something."
"You're acting like preparing Gideon is easy, like it's something that can be done in one day," Oliver pointed out condemnatorily.
"You know perfectly that I don't think that. I told you I would finish whatever work we had and then I'd leave, but I'd be back right after a few days."
"And then what? Some complications will appear like they always do with you and you won't be back on time," Oliver hissed with his voice in a tone Barry didn't like at all and frowned.
"Why can't you just trust me with it? I'll be able to come back on time, I swear," Barry protested firmly, trying to get a hold of Oliver's eyes but failing miserably which was one of the main things indicating that something was definitely not right with his boyfriend. More than Oliver was willing to show.
"This is not about trust, this is about pointing out the facts. Barry, you're late everywhere you go so yes, I can't help but doubt everything you have to say to me," Oliver snapped, irritated beyond measures. He wasn't even trying to stay calm. His mind was so messed up that listening to his common sense was getting to be more and more difficult as the seconds were flowing around them. His brain was nothing more than just a blender mixing his thoughts ruthlessly and letting only reckless words escape his mouth. Yet they were honest, they were coming right from his heart, expressing what was mercilessly downing him. That he was suffering, because it was hard to think clearly when the only thing he could hear was silence, which was rapidly getting louder, deafening any other sound.
And suddenly one second followed when Oliver had allowed his eyes to wander off to the brunet's, locking them afterwards. Although it was just for a split of seconds, it was enough to reveal all that Barry needed to know. One mere look right into those piercing blue eyes he loved so much was everything that was necessary to know at least one of the answers Barry so desperately wanted to find. It was a reminder of that part of Oliver which Barry had gotten to know the day they'd met. That part which would always be cold and abrasive, showing no emotion to the outside world when in the same time it was dying inside. That part which would rather push people away than allow him to get closer with them. And seeing it now after all this time definitely changed his perspective.
He'd never wanted to change Oliver in any way. He'd never been interested in erasing things which had been the pillars of Oliver's personality. Because that was how Oliver saw him too. He might be broken and hurt, but instead of seeing it as a flaw, Oliver saw it as one of many things which made the brunet unique. And Barry saw it the same way, which was why he couldn't be mad about the fact Oliver was now struggling and pulling away from him. He couldn't judge him. The only thing he could do was to find the right way how to make him stay.
And with that ruling over his thoughts it was only a matter of time before something else entered his mind. A memory of that night which had changed everything. It was that night, when Oliver had let himself be completely seen. When Barry had helped to make the nightmares disappear and succeeded. And how Oliver's eyes had transformed into a new level. Before, they'd been lonely, hurt and broken, filled with billions of tears, unable to stream down his face. After that they'd been sincere, soft and understanding, ready to let these tears flow in front of Barry, because he trusted him. So much had changed with one simple gesture and now they were here. Barry hadn't realized it before, but now it was clear to him that what had happened that night mattered in the most endearing measures. And with that, Barry really didn't need to wonder anymore. He knew exactly what was wrong with the blond.
"You're worried that the nightmares will come back, aren't you? That's why you don't want me to leave. Because you believe my presence is the only thing keeping them in bay," Barry softly claimed, not daring to let his eyes drift away from his lover. His hands wandered off to Oliver's, but as soon as the tips of his fingers reached their goal, Oliver flinched and rebuffed the gesture, turning his back to Barry and walking away from him to the other end of the balcony. Such sight caused Barry's heart to ache. However, the determination to help Oliver hadn't vanished. And Barry would keep trying, even if it was meant to kill him.
"Ollie, please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong," Barry pleaded softly, approaching his lover once again, but keeping a safe distance between them. Oliver hopelessly let his head drop, allowing first tears to escape his eyes.
"Don't go, Barry," he begged sorrowfully, his voice breaking into a barely audible whisper. "Just… stay… please." Barry didn't dare to wonder anymore. He instantly closed the distance between them and cupped Oliver's face gently in his hands, forcing the blond to fully face him. Revealing the sight of his wretched boyfriend caused him an utter pain, yet he persisted and kept his expression soft and caring.
"I'm right here, Ollie, and I'm not going anywhere," Barry reassured lovingly, keeping their eye contact still. And as he heard how Oliver started sniffling, he couldn't help but wipe all tears away from the blond's face only to watch countless more stream down.
"But you still want to go to Starling."
"Yes, but I already told you that it's gonna be just for a few days. And then I'll come back."
"Few days for you, but for me it's few nights of horrific nightmares," Oliver gasped hopelessly, backing away from the contact and once again turning towards the Central before him, desperately trying to hide his flushed face full of tears.
"You had nightmares before though. How did you deal with them back then?" Barry asked carefully and Oliver stayed silent. He just sheepishly shrugged and sighed. He knew it was time to tell the truth no matter how scared he was.
Barry followed the trail of Oliver's fingers towards his scarred wrists. As soon as the realization struck him, he couldn't help but let a gasp of disbelief escape his mouth while he slowly blinked.
"But you don't have any other scars," Barry wondered with his eyes rapidly widening.
"There are other ways how to hurt yourself," Oliver sorrowfully pointed out. That caused Barry's heart to skip multiple beats as he repeated Oliver's words in his brain over and over again. Regular breathing was nothing more than just a memory now and stopping his limp knees from collapsing also proved to be just another dead end. Mouth which had always had some soothing words to say was suddenly dry, letting the silence take hold of them. And before Barry could finally find some courage to break it, Oliver went back inside the apartment, sat down on the couch and pressed his head against his palms. Barry didn't dare to wonder for even a second as he followed him inside, sitting right next to him. And as he clutched Oliver's arm in a tight grasp he was determined to never let go. This simple gesture left Oliver completely stunned.
"Why are you still here? Why can't you just leave when you can clearly see I'm fractured beyond repair?" Oliver murmured sorrowfully, letting more and more tears stream down his face, watering his hands.
"Because I don't actually believe that you are as lost as you claim to be," Barry tenderly replied, leaning his head on Oliver's tense shoulder.
"Stop playing with me, Barry. I saw that horrified look on you when I said it. It was filled with fear."
"You're right, at first I was horrified by the thought, but not of you. I know you had good reasons for this and do you honestly think that I've never thought about this either? Because I have, multiple times. I've never found the courage to do that in the end though, but I can't say I didn't try," Barry admitted timidly, which caused Oliver to raise his head and look at him.
"But I did it. Many times, without thinking clearly about it."
"When was the last time you did it?"
"When you saved me from dying."
"That was months ago, Ollie, and many things had happened since then."
"Maybe, but that still doesn't excuse my doings," Oliver protested dejectedly, running a hand through his hair and sniffling even more as the tears were an unstoppable force ruling over his face.
"Oliver, listen to me," Barry spoke up once again, raising his head, reaching for Oliver's hand and entangling their fingers together. "There is nothing wrong with you, okay? Absolutely nothing. Because it's like with Gideon. This does not define who you really are under all those layers that cover you. It's not the only thing that matters when it comes to you. It's about details, all those little things you have done throughout your whole life that matter. And you can't convince me that they were all bad, because I know that isn't true. You might've made mistakes, but honestly who hasn't? When I saw Mardon, I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me and then all I could think of was the constant rage within me. You changed that, you helped me. A person who is beyond repair would never be able to do that for sure."
"Not everything I've done is something to be proud of. Especially when it comes to my little sister," Oliver pointed out brokenly, letting his head drop once more. "The truth is that I did something which hurt her. At first, I thought it was the right decision but after some time I wasn't so sure anymore. And when you asked me what was wrong I didn't want you to know, because I was too scared. I don't want to lie to you anymore."
"It's okay, Ollie," Barry hushed him tenderly and squeezed his hand encouragingly, dedicating him a warm smile. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but if you do, then know that I'm here and I'm willing to listen to everything you have to say."
Oliver looked at him for the last time, spotting that sincerity in his boyfriend which he so desperately craved. And with that he was ready to begin.
Little Oliver was patiently waiting for Thea to show up under the tree. It was their spot, where no one was bothering them. But in the same time, it was close enough to for the nurses to see them. Other children were playing and he was there, thinking. The director of this orphanage had told him that someone wanted to adopt Thea, but could not adopt him as well. And truth to be told, he was angry for that. Because they wanted to separate him from his younger sister, the last family he had, the last person in his life he cared about. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't understand what kind of cruelty this was. Why after so much suffering he still deserved more.
"Hey, Ollie, did they ask you who had beaten us like they asked me?" Thea asked as soon as she approached him, breaking him completely from his trance.
"They did, but I didn't say anything," Oliver whispered cautiously, making sure Thea was the only one who could hear him. "Please tell me you didn't say anything either."
"But why? They deserve to be punished for what they did to us," Thea pointed out angrily, showing vivid confusion written all over her features.
"You don't understand. Even if they get punished, that will hardly stop them. And if yes, then the word will spread and everyone will know what you did. And no one will ever leave you alone after that," Oliver claimed nervously, running a hand down his face. He knew this was wrong and that he had to do something with it before something bad would happen to her.
"That doesn't matter, because I have you. And as long as we are together, we'll be okay," Thea innocently assured him, reaching for his hand and squeezing it encouragingly. And before he could stop it a single thought entered his mind. A thought of Thea getting herself a better future. The one she so desperately craved and so clearly needed. And although it hurt him enormously, he knew that it would be better for her. So much better than he had to offer. He was her brother and he loved her with all his heart and that was exactly why he needed to let her go and take the blame. She didn't deserve any of this. Neither did he, but no one wanted him. Unlike him she had that chance to start over and he couldn't take that away from her no matter how hard and unfair it was that he would be left alone in this cruel world. He couldn't be selfish anymore, even if it meant that he had to lose the last person he truly cared about.
So he did his best to hide any emotion there was to see on his face, rebuffed the kind gesture his sister was doing and pulled his hand roughly from her grasp.
"What are you doing?" she asked with confusion and he only offered her another death glare. That was a trick he'd learned from his bullies. At least they were good for something in the end.
"What I should've done a long time ago. The truth is that I'm fed up with your whimpering. Leave me finally alone! This world will never listen to anything you have to say. No one will ever care about how much you are suffering. And you know why? Because world is a cruel place. No one is going to be okay and especially the two of us are not going to be okay no matter how much you want it. So stop living in naïve fantasies and finally accept the truth," Oliver hissed at her, using every inch of rage he could find within him. He watched as her eyes started glittering, indicating the groups of tears, ready to stream down her face in any second. Although it was one of the biggest pains he'd experienced, he knew he had to carry on for her sake.
"Please, stop," Thea pleaded hopelessly, but Oliver only scoffed at her efforts.
"You don't get it, do you? But then again you were never a match for me so I shouldn't be really surprised. Poor Thea, always so slow and naïve. Every time we were in public I felt ashamed of how stupid my sister was." With that said he quickly spotted how the first tear came out of Thea's eye, leaving a watery trail as it streamed down her face. Yet he persisted no matter how much his heart begged him not to.
"You see, I don't need you. You were always just a burden for me, holding me back from things I wanted to do. And now you're just a constant reminder of the fact that our parents are dead and are not coming back. So why don't you just leave me alone for good?" Oliver growled at her, seeing now hundreds of tears streaming down her face, making it completely wet and without thinking it through he just angrily turned around and walked away from her, hoping that this was everything that needed to be done. However, in that moment he let himself also be gullible as he soon found out that his sister was smarter and more persistent than he'd thought. She'd seen right through that lie.
Thea quickly reached for his hand, gripping it tightly afterwards, unwilling to let go of it. And in that moment Oliver could swear that something had broken in him, something which would never find the way to fix itself. That was what he wanted himself to believe in, because otherwise he would never forgive himself what followed after that.
Oliver once again rebuffed the gesture, pulling his hand quickly away from the grasp and slapping her little sister on her cheek with all strength he could find within himself. That action shoved Thea away, causing her to almost lose all her balance. Oliver watched as she reached to the red mark of his hand on her face with a horrified look ruling over her. He could no longer breathe, no longer look into her green eyes anymore. He could no longer take how much he'd hurt her. The only thing he could do was hope that one day she would understand why he'd done what he'd done.
Yet he couldn't convince himself to move, his whole body was utterly stunned, unable to shift in any way. The last thing he could remember was how the nurses were dragging him away from Thea and helping her afterwards. He dedicated her his last glance as he watched her crying on the grass with one of the nurses comforting her until she completely disappeared from his sight. After that he'd never seen her again.
An unbearable silence was ruling over them as Oliver desperately waited for Barry to say something. Anything to be honest. Just something which would indicate how disappointed his boyfriend now was. Yet Barry didn't dare to move, say nor do anything else. He just retained the same composure as before. And when the silence had become too much for Oliver, he decided to break it instead.
"Now you know why I'm so scared of facing her. I've never told anyone but you, so you would understand why I can't go to see her. She probably hates me still," he claimed hopelessly, running a hand through his hair, letting another pair of tears escape his eyes. With his perfect memory he could still clearly remember her horrified look. It was strongly printed into his brain and because of that, it hurt even more. Then he suddenly felt how Barry gripped his hand and placed a soft kiss on it. That made him instantly return back to reality.
"What was that for?" he asked, confused and Barry couldn't help and just lovingly smile at the man before him.
"You know what I see when I look at you?" Barry questioned softly, still not letting go of Oliver's hand. The blond sadly shook his head and Barry gripped it even tighter. "I see someone who has suffered more than enough, but came stronger in the end. Someone who is willing to do anything to make their dreams come true. You might've struggled and gotten lost more times than you can count, but in the end you always found your way back. And although you don't want to show it, you have a caring heart, which is willing to do anything to help people you care about. And every time I look at you, I smile. I don't feel annoyed, sad or angry. I just simply smile, because that's what your presence causes. And not just to me but to others as well. And what you said is just another proof of how huge meaning your love holds. Maybe your decision wasn't the right one, but the intention came right from your heart. You wanted to protect your sister whatever the cost and that's what counts for me. You're still a hero to me, Ollie, no matter how hard you try to deny it. And this one sin will never change that." After that Oliver quickly pressed his head against Barry's chest, desperately yearning for comfort which was Barry thrilled to provide. The brunet quickly wrapped his arms around Oliver, keeping him in the loving embrace for as long as he dared. And as he felt his t-shirt getting wet of Oliver's tears he pressed his lips against the top of Oliver's head with a gentle kiss. That caused the blond to clutch into him even tighter.
"I wish she would see it the same way," Oliver whimpered and closed his eyes, pushing even more tears out.
"Maybe she does and honestly you can't know that unless you see for sure," Barry pointed out, letting go of his lover as Oliver suddenly raised his head back to face him properly. "Come with me. We can get everything done in no time and we'll be away just for a few days. We'll be back on time. We won't miss it, I swear." Oliver really tried to think this through, to picture himself brave enough to face her. And her forgiving him. The thought was really breathtaking, yet surreal and deep down he knew that if he'd gone to Starling City, he would return even more broken. He'd done something unforgivable. Not even he could forgive himself for that. So why should Thea? When she was the one he'd hurt the most?
So he just closed his eyes and hopelessly pressed his forehead against Barry's, cursing on the fact he couldn't say yes to the brunet no matter how much he wanted. Fear was stronger now and although he wasn't proud of that, he doubted he could fight it. Maybe it was okay to step back from time to time, when the strength to overcome his fear was nowhere to reach. Or maybe it wasn't. He wasn't really sure. The only thing he knew was that this trip could cause him unthinkable pain and he didn't want that anymore. So he just sighed and hoped that Barry would understand.
"I can't, Barry," he admitted shamefully in the end. But Barry was not disappointed nor mad. He wouldn't dare to be either of those things after all that honesty which he had heard tonight. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's okay. I understand," Barry assured him and weakly smiled.
"You want to leave?" Oliver asked, horrified by the answer, which caused Barry to frown.
"I told you. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, because there is no place I'd rather be," Barry whispered softly and smiled warmly at his lover. After that he once again wrapped his arms around Oliver in a comforting embrace, showing every emotion, which words couldn't. And Oliver didn't pull away. He openly let himself linger in the feeling of Barry's hands clutching him. And as he gripped the brunet's t-shirt tightly and nuzzled into his neck, the gap which had been swallowing him in whole was suddenly filled and with that he once again felt like home. Like the only one thing that mattered in his life was the fact that Barry was still there with him regardless of how Oliver had sometimes gotten lost from his true self. And for as long as Barry was with him, he knew that he was going to be okay.
As long as Barry is with him…in that case I wonder what will happen when he leaves for Starling… Anyway, thanks for reading even though it was sad (or wasn't it?). At least our two boys are handling their sorrow together and not apart. So it could always be worse… See you soon :) (I hope).