Jo woke up the following morning after a restless night. The doctor had changed some of her medications, stopped some all together, and adjusted some of her pain meds in response to her pregnancy. The changes were not settling well, making her tired but unable to sleep, and now she felt nauseous on top of the exhaustion. "I just want to feel normal again," she whispered.
The nurse walked in and smiled, "You're awake bright and early," she secured the blood pressure cuff around her arm and began to write down the reading. "How are you feeling this morning sweetie? Are you in a lot of pain since we adjusted your meds?"
"Some," Jo admitted. "My back is aching, but it's not too bad." She sighed, "The worst thing is this sick feeling. I don't know if it's because I finally started eating solid food yesterday or if it's a side effect of one of the new meds, but I am really nauseous."
"Haven't you been feeling sick to your stomach the past few days?" the nurse asked gently. "It might be a touch of morning sickness."
"I think it's from my meds," Jo knew the nurse was probably right but she refused to admit it. There was no way she was going to let this pregnancy control her life. Especially when she hadn't made up her mind about how to deal with it.
"Okay," the nurse smiled gently. She understood what Jo was going through and wanted to make things as easy as possible for her. "Let's sit you up then," she suggested, "and I'll bring you some soda crackers to settle your stomach." She pushed the button to raise the bed to a sitting position and noticed as Jo cringed in pain at the movement, "Are you alright?" she asked.
Jo let out a deep breath trying to control her pain and nausea, "Yeah…it just hurts to sit. I'm okay though." She closed her eyes and the nurse put a plastic tub in front of her.
"Use this if you get sick sweetie," she patted her shoulder. "I'll be right back."
Jo opened her eyes and stared at the plastic tub. She held her breath and refused to throw up. Then she gently placed her hand on her stomach. "This is so unfair," she cried. After all the years she had wanted to have a baby, why did this have to happen now? Why did it happen this way? She considered herself to be a strong person, but the attack had taken all of her physical strength away and she was pretty sure her emotional strength was gone for good as well. "What am I going to do?" she sobbed.
"What are you going to do about what?" Blair asked as she came through the door. Seeing her friend crying she instantly realized something was wrong and rushed to her side. "What's going on? Are you okay?" Jo couldn't control her nausea any longer and vomited into the tub while Blair watched in disgust. "Oh goodness," Blair tried to be comforting. "You're going to be alright." She rubbed her shoulder while her friend threw up.
The nurse came in and held the tub while Jo tried to stop herself from getting sick. "I'm okay now," Jo sputtered weakly. "I think I'm okay…"
The nurse took the tub away and handed her a drink of water. Jo sipped it slowly. "Do you feel better now?"' the nurse asked and Jo nodded tearfully. She handed her some crackers, "Nibble on these," she suggested, "That should help."
"Thanks," Jo sniffled. "I'm really sorry…"
"Hey," the nurse rubbed her hand gently, "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nibble on the crackers and your stomach should feel better soon, okay?" Jo nodded and the nurse walked out of the room.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Blair asked as she sat back in the chair by the bed. "You don't look good."
"How can you tell through all the bandages?" Jo's voice was sarcastic, and Blair smiled realizing she probably did feel better. Jo took a small bite of one of the crackers and sighed, "I am feeling better, really…"
"Good," Blair said softly. "Other than the vomiting, how are you feeling today?"
"Like I want to die," Jo let the words spill out and wished she hadn't. She knew Blair was going to worry about her and she didn't want that.
"What?" Blair asked nervously. "What's wrong?" She knew the doctors had said Jo could end up very depressed trying to recover from the attack and she had noticed her friend's moods did go up and down but she was scared hearing her talk like this.
"The doctor got my blood test back yesterday," Jo began.
Blair felt herself tense up. She knew Jo had been afraid of getting HIV, but she had been sure the test would be negative. Apparently it hadn't. "Oh Jo…I'm so sorry…you can beat this though. HIV is not necessarily a death sentence anymore, especially with treatment…"
"I don't have HIV," Jo interrupted her. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you think that. I know it's scary; I thought the same thing when the doctor came in."
"Then what is it?" Blair asked, relieved that it couldn't be as bad as she thought. "What did he say that has you so upset?"
Jo let her tears fall and mumbled her words through her cries, "He said I'm pregnant…"
Blair stared at her in disbelief. She hadn't expected to hear that at all and she wasn't sure how to react. "Oh no…" she felt tears welling up in her own eyes watching her best friend sob. "What are you going to do?"
Jo shook her head, "I don't know. The doctor thinks I should have an abortion. He said the baby could have birth defects from all the drugs I've been taking and that I might not recover fully from my injuries if I am trying to maintain a pregnancy while I'm recovering. Kyle wants me to have an abortion…he said he's not coming back until I agree to do it."
Blair hugged her as gently as she could without hurting her, and let her cry, "Jo…I know this is a hard decision. What do you want?"
"I don't know," Jo admitted. "I want for this to never have happened."
"I know," Blair tried to soothe her. "But you're going to have to make a decision soon. You know that right? You can't wait much longer."
"I don't want this baby," Jo cried. "I keep trying to think of it as my child, but I can't. It's like Lonvetti violated me and left a part of himself behind." She sobbed, "I know I shouldn't feel that way…it's not the baby's fault. I'm a terrible person…"
"No you're not," Blair insisted. "You are a good person put in a terrible position Jo."
"Kyle doesn't love me anymore. He said he is disgusted to look at me," Jo cried even harder.
"I think you heard him wrong Jo," Blair said gently. "I know he loves you."
"He lied to me," Jo shook. "He had a vasectomy, and he didn't tell me. If I don't have this baby, and Kyle and I stay together, I am never going to be able to have a baby."
Blair didn't think Jo was making sense. She figured she was probably too distraught to think clearly. "Jo…calm down." Blair tried to hold in her own tears. "You have to stop worrying about what Kyle wants and think about what you want. This is about you, not him."
"It's about this baby," Jo sniffled. She gasped as if realization had finally hit her, "I'm gonna have a baby."
"You want to have it?" Blair asked.
"I don't want to have an abortion," Jo said honestly. "But I can't keep this baby either. Kyle doesn't want it and I think I will end up resenting the baby and I would never want to do that."
"Do you think you can give it up for adoption?" Blair asked tearfully. "It's going to be hard."
"I know," Jo said sadly. "But I have to do it."
"We're all going to help you through this," Blair promised.
Jo looked at her best friend and a thought occurred to her. Maybe something good could happen out of all this tragedy. "Blair," she quivered, "Remember when you said that you and Tad wanted to have babies and also adopt?" Blair's eyes widened as she realized what Jo was going to suggest. Jo looked pleadingly at her, "Do you think you could adopt this baby?"
"Jo…" Blair tried to choose her words carefully. She didn't want to hurt her, but she couldn't say yes either. "I don't think that would be a good idea." All sorts of things were running through her mind; the fact that the baby could have birth defects, knowing Jo would always be there and things would seem weird between them, and most of all that in her heart Blair believed Jo would change her mind and decide to keep her baby after all. "I just don't think this is the time for you to start looking for adoptive parents…give it some time."
Jo nodded sadly. She was hurt, but she knew Blair was right, "I'm sorry I asked. I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that."
"I'm still going to help you through this," Blair held her hand. "It's going to be okay."
"Kyle's going to leave me," Jo said seriously. "He said he wasn't coming back if I chose to have the baby."
"He was just hurt," Blair insisted. "He didn't mean that."
"He meant it," Jo sighed. "He lied to me for seven years about wanting a baby. Now he can't face this. I can't really trust him."
"Did he say why he had a vasectomy?" Blair asked. "It seems odd."
"He wouldn't tell me," Jo closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "No reason will ever be good enough. He shouldn't have lied to me."
Blair squeezed her hand, "You haven't exactly been honest with him all these years either Jo…you know that."
Jo nodded, "I know…maybe this is my punishment for that. I'm going to have to raise Jamie by myself, and have this baby and give it away to strangers…" she started to cry again. "I can't let Jamie find out I'm pregnant…she'll be devastated if she finds out I'm giving the baby away."
Blair wanted to tell her it wouldn't be easy to hide her pregnancy for the whole nine months, but Jo was too upset to bother with obvious details like that. Blair leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, "We're going to work this out…I promise."