we're in a spell that never ends
the empty hourglass wore me thin
so let the phone do it's work
your voice is heaven
but it hurts
your words are memories
but they burn
baby just say goodnight
I'll be gone tomorrow
baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
baby just walk away
you know I can't stay
there's no easy way to say goodbye
so baby just say goodnight
chapter twenty four
I don't fit into my jeans anymore. Seriously, I can't button them. I've been eating nonstop for the past day and a half and I've somehow put on ten pounds in that much time.
Something was telling me it wasn't just the food.
I sat on my bed, staring at my empty suitcase for probably an hour, waiting for the phone to ring. Every now and then my stomach lurched and grumbled, but I didn't move. I wasn't going to eat until it was dinnertime. I couldn't mess up my eating pattern or else that'd permanently fuck me up. Eventually there was a rapid knock knock knock knock on my front door. Shit...they were here. I heard the front door open and I closed my eyes as I heard them rushing up the stairs. God dammit; I was hoping he would come alone. I had to tell him, I'd have to make him understand...
"HEATHER COME ON THE BUS IS OUTSIDE TIME TO GO TIME TO GO!" he called from the hallway, still coming towards my room. I didn't move. He opened the door. "Heather?" he looked from me, to the suitcase, empty and open, and back to me. "Why aren't you packed yet?" he asked. I opened my eyes and found him standing a few feet away from me. I shook my head.
"I'm not going with you Patrick." I said quietly. He took an awkward step backwards.
"What?" he asked quietly.
"I'm not going Patrick." I repeated, louder than the first time. I wasn't even looking at him and I could see his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. it hurt me to watch him struggle like this, but I had to do this...it was so much better than the truth.
"But...why?" I stood up and walked over to him.
"Patrick...I've been...thinking. I don't want to follow you around everywhere. I don't want to go to L.A. I don't want to follow you around on tour forever..." my voice trailed off and cracked immensely. I was crying only because every word I'd just said was a fucking lie. I wanted nothing more than to follow him on tour, to L.A., to the ends of the freaking earth if I had to...but I couldn't. I wouldn't...
"Heather it wouldn't be like that...it wouldn't...I'd be...no." I couldn't imagine how, but this was definitely hurting him more than it was hurting me. I ran the last few steps into his arms and held him tight. He let his arms hang loose at his sides, but then his hands slowly slid up my back, and his arms wrapped tight around my shoulders. I heard him sob and I lost control. I kissed his cheek through my own tears and tried to choke out a few words.
"Be...okay..." I tried to say through hyperventilation.
"No...even Parker's coming with us...why won't you?"
"Patrick...please don't do this." he pulled away from me.
"Do what?" he asked, almost angry now. I took a step back. I'd never heard his voice sound like that before. I took a few steps backwards. "Get upset because my girlfriend wants me to leave without her? Heather do you understand this at all?" he asked, voice softening again as more tears welled forward.
"Of course I do." I swallowed hard, stepping back towards him. "Do you understand me?" I asked. He stopped. I think this was the first time he thought of the fact that this could be hurting me too. He nodded.
"Yeah. I..I get it." he said. He sort of went into slow motion as he looked down, closed his eyes, then his head turned to the door as Andy, Pete, Joe, and Parker came cascading in all at once.
"Pat we gotta go." said Andy, but then he looked at me. "Oh."
"Back away slowly." instructed Parker, grabbing Andy and Joe by the wrists. The three of them backed away into the hallway and sat down against the wall. Pete didn't budge.
"Heather...what's the deal?" he asked. I took a long deep breath that shuddered slightly at the end. I opened my mouth to speak.
"She won't come." said Patrick. Pete's gaze shifted to Patrick, then snapped back to me.
"What?" he asked. I nodded.
"I'm not going." I said.
"Okay." said Pete.
"WHAT?" shouted Patrick. I saw Joe jump. Pete shook his head.
"She doesn't wanna go dude. You can't make her."
"But...but she said she..."
"No I didn't."
"You never had a problem with it until now."
"It's been making me sick." I said to explain the sudden wave of nausea that just came over me for the fifth or sixth time today.
"Oh..." said Patrick slowly, a light bulb going on in his brain. Oh how I wished that light bulb would shatter. Shatter and stab his brain and skull in all different directions, so I wouldn't have to be telling him all this. I started to cry again. I heard a honk from outside.
"Guys we gotta go. Heather come on get your bag." said Parker.
"She's not going." said Patrick. Parker was in my face within sixty seconds.
"Why not?" she asked.
"I don't need to explain myself any more." I said simply, not looking into her eyes. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
"Shit Heather...come on even I'm going."
"Well I'm not." Another honk.
"Guys..." said Joe from the doorway.
"Fine." said Andy, finally speaking. "If she's not going then she's not going. But we are." he walked up to me and gave me a tight hug and one kiss on the cheek. "We'll call." he said, before turning around and walking out. Joe looked at Patrick, and Patrick looked at Pete. Pete looked at Parker, and Parker looked at me. Joe walked over to me. He didn't say anything, just hugged me once and went silently down the stairs. Parker looked at me, tears in her eyes.
"I don't understand you sometimes." She choked out.
"I don't understand you ever." I said, equally choked.
"You sure you don't want to..."
"I can't." she nodded. I hugged first this time, and I felt tears drop onto my shoulder.
"I'll see you." she said. I nodded, and we finally let go. She looked at me for a second, then followed Joe down the stairs. Pete stood close to me and held my shoulders. He kissed my forehead gently.
"You leaving me again Petey?" I asked in my best imitation of a second grader's voice. He laughed briefly.
"Don't ever fucking call me that again." he said, shaking his head. I pouted at him. "We'll visit all the time. Promise." I nodded. He gave me one more brief kiss, on the lips this time, then slapped Patrick's open palm on his way out. Patrick just kind of stood there, head staring at the floor as if his neck were broken.
"I'll miss you a lot." I finally said. A sound escaped him, it almost sounded like a laugh.
"I'm probably gonna suck on stage now. The lyrics will be great...but Heather come on this is gonna bring me so far down..."
"Patrick that's what phones are for...and computers...and airplanes...and the postal service that's always helpful..."
"Heather it's not the same!" he said. "I won't see you every morning, or every night, you won't be at the shows..."
"You can see me when you're on your breaks! Fly back out here!" I said. He just shook his head. "And we'll be together when this is all over." He rushed over to me and kissed me hard.
"I will come home for you." I won't wait up. "I'll call you every night." I won't answer. "I'll come home to visit you..." I won't answer the door. "And I'll always love you." So will I.
"So will I." I said. He kissed me again, this time lasting a bit longer, until the horn honked twice.
"I love you."
"Like oxygen." and then he let go. My body froze as soon as his heat moved away. He stopped in the doorway to look at me, before walking down the stairs. I heard the door open and close and I ran to my window. I watched as he walked down the lawn and got into the bus. Pete and Parker both blew me a kiss from the open door and I waved down to them. The bus started up and slowly drove off down the street. I took a deep breath and sat there for a minute, staring at my bed. Images started their own little three minute movie in my head, summarizing the past year a half. The ups, the downs, the tears, the laughs, the booze, the car crashes...the blood and the bruises, and the sex. Everything just kind of molded together into the best two years of my entire fucking life, and now it was all gone. I sighed and stood up, walking over to my closet. I pulled out a pair of jeans and slid off my shorts. I stood in front of my mirror and slid the jeans on. I had to jump and pull once I got about halfway up my thighs, and the jeans would not button around my stomach. I turned to view my profile in the mirror and sucked in as much as possible. I finally gave up on buttoning the damn pants and placed my hand right above my belly button, scowling nervously at the chubby reflection.
"Ohhh baby."