So, the idea for this comes from a tv series I used to watch called Heartbeat. It's been going for, like, a bajillion years. Anyway, there were these two characters, the Sergeant of the village police force and the ne'er do well jack of all trades petty thief with a heart of gold guy called Greengrass. The two of them were always at each other's throats, but once I watched a program about the program (yes, I am that cool) and the actor who played the Sargeant said: well yeah, they hate each other but at the same time, they can't live without each other. They're like an old married couple, always harping on the other.

Anyway, nigh on ten years later that little thought was still there and it reminded me of (guess who!) Mulch and Root. I'm pretty fond of this one, so I hope you enjoy it:)

Heartbeat

My thoughts on the late LEP Commander Julius Root? You've got me here, in this chair, you're plying me with food and drink, and you want to know about Julius Root? What about the time I infiltrated the Seven Dwarfs and helped the notorious human Artemis Fowl steal a priceless tiara right from under their hairy noses? Or my stint as the infamous thief the Grouch who terrorized mudmen all over the world? No? Julius, eh? Well. If you insist. Brilliant nettle brulée, by the way.

Julius now, Julius- man, if he could hear me saying his name like this, he'd go for me guns a-blazing- well, he was one of a kind. I mean, you'd have to be to survive blood pressure like that, good grief! And he did it to himself, let me tell you. Talk about micro-managing. And no sense of humour. Not a good combination.

Cider? Yes, please!

Coincidental that my retirement from a life of crime coincides with his murder? Yes, I said murder. No, I won't refer to it as the 'tragic accident which could have been prevented by a more level-headed approach'. Frond, is that the spin you people are putting on it now? Sometimes, you d'arvitting rumour-mongerers really make me wanna puke. And dwarves don't puke lightly. Have you ever tried regurgitating compacted earth?

And no, to answer your question, it wasn't. Coincidental. Look, kid, you're pretty young, so this'll probably affront your sensibilities a bit but, well, let's put it this way: thievery was, well, my one true passion. I lived to steal.

But he was the reason I stole.

And, let's face it, without him, there's just not Mulch left in it. Haha, get it, 'Mulch left'? Much left? Ok, so it wasn't very good, but it woulda gotten a rise out of Julius. I mean, he probably would've tried to garrotte me instead of chuckling appreciatively, but everyone shows affection in different ways, right? I mean, look at Holly: if she punches that kid in the nose one more time and she'll probably follow it with a proposal.

What d'you mean 'what kid'? 'You blind? No, clearly just kinda dumb. But, I guess, in all fairness, you don't really know them. Just like you don't-didn't-know Julius.

What? No, we weren't lovers. He was just... always around. You know, like that really ugly pair of trousers you just never threw out, or the mouldy cheese at the back of the fridge you swear you'll do something about. Or like... a heartbeat. Or a migraine.

It's funny though. I never thought it'd be this hard to live without him.

More cider? Why, no, don't mind if I do...