Clare

"Eli! Uh uh! Hell no! You are not sticking me with them for a month while you go and tour! You have to take one!"

"Clare that is crazy! They are babies and they are twins. We can't just separate them like that!"

"Fine take them both! Just don't leave me alone with them!"

"Listen to yourself! You sound like they have knives in their hands or their fingers on a trigger."

"Maybe they do Eli! I can't be alone with them for that long."

"What happens if I die?"

"Shut up Eli! Just shut up! If you want to just walk out on us then go! We don't need you!"

"Clare you are just a horrible liar. You need me and I need you… I know you are tired."

"I missed my deadline Eli! I missed it and I don't even have half of the story written!"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"When do I see you? You leave to go to the studio and crap before I wake up and you don't come home until I'm asleep! You are always gone!"

"Well what do you want from me? I'm trying to make money...you know? Money! That shit that pays for their expensive ass organic baby foods and diapers and shit"

"Are you complaining?"

"No, never but Clare somebody has to be the breadwinner and I don't win bread unless I make music and appearances and go on tour."

"Fuck you Eli! Just…Fuck you! Get out of here."

"Clare…"

"Get away from me."

"If that's what you want."

I started to cry as Eli got his pillow and went to the recliner in the living room. He's never here. He's always out or working and I'm all by myself. The babies are always crying and there is always some task I have to do for them like…changing diapers or cleaning up the mess when they throw their baby food and it splatters everywhere. He's never here…now he really won't be here and it's not fair. I'm hardly me anymore. I'm fat and I've fallen behind on my work. Whenever I do get the chance to write one of the babies cries or needs attention…Sometimes they both cry and need attention at the same time. It would just really….be nice if he could help out every now and then. He picks them up and kisses them and he calls that parenting while I do all the hard stuff. It's not fair! Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just packed my bags and left the babies here, in this loft while I went far far away… I'm a bad person for even thinking those thoughts but I can't help it! I don't even know who I am anymore…

Eli and I got married at the courthouse a week after the babies were born and things were a dream then. Now, I'm starting to wonder if that is a mistake. I had to put him out of the bed this early in the marriage and that's not a good sign. I feel like I'm pushing him away and I don't want to do that but I can't stop myself. Sometimes I feel like he will go on tour and he won't come back because he'll find happiness elsewhere. I can see it in his eyes; he loves me a little less every day. I'm just a fat nagging ghost of a woman and Eli knows that.

Eli

She doesn't understand anything! I'm trying to make things comfortable for us and all she can do is whine about how I'm never here. I offered to get her a nanny but she didn't want one… No she just wants to nag about my absence but she knew it would be this way before she signed up for it. She knew I'd have to be gone all the time and that my job would never end. She knew the facts but she put her name down on that paper so she was agreeing… I turned off the TV and I heard sobs coming from the bedroom. The sobs were hard… She's crying. I guess I have to fix this. No, I know I have to fix this. I don't want her to be mad at me. I just want her to see that I'm trying hard to keep up our lifestyle but I can't do that from this loft. I have to travel and I have to work long hours. I wish she could see that.

She does probably need a break though. I called my parents and asked them to watch the twins for a few weeks. My mother was overjoyed. Hopefully Clare will agree to the plan I've concocted. If she doesn't then things might get worse.

I knocked on the door and there was no answer so I opened it and Clare was in the corner, rocking and crying. I went to try and get her up and she pushed me away. I sat on the bed and she hid her face.

"Just go away!"

"Clare we really need to talk."

"That's a shock considering that fact that you never like talking to me anymore!"

"Clare, please?"

"Nobody is stopping you from bumping your gums."

"Are you going to listen?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"My mom wants the twins for a week or two."

"What?"

"She's taking the babies and you are coming with me."

"Why?"

"Because I asked her to. Clare look at you…crying in a corner. You need a break."

"I can't ask her to do that."

"You didn't I did and she agreed because she's been wanting them anyway. Clare we've only been married a couple months and we are already inches away from separating or divorcing. I don't want that for us… I love you and so we are going to save our marriage."

"Okay."

I helped pull Clare up from the floor and I hugged her. In such a short time it's like we've become strangers. One of the babies cried out, and the other followed, probably disturbed because the other was going off. I laid Clare on the bed and I covered her up before I went into the babies rooms. They were both mad and red. Their little arms and legs punched and kicked the air while they cried. It looked like their little heads would pop off like the tops of a shaken soda if they didn't stop soon. I managed to pick them both up but that didn't stop the crying so I put them back down and I changed both their diapers… The dramatics persisted. I tried feeding them but they both rejected the bottle of formula and the bottle of Clare's breast milk. I tried rocking them one by one, putting them in the baby swing, giving them gas medication and taking their temperature. Nothing worked!

"Look, nothing is wrong with you two so just shut up please?"

"Wahhhhhh!"

"Fine! Keep crying! See if I care!"

"Wahhh!"
"I can't deal with this!"

I left the room and I went back into the bedroom. Clare had put on the silence blocking headphones I gave her in high school. She still has those? She was asleep on the bed. I owe her a big apology. Those babies are possessed and they need an exorcism. She's been dealing with all of that for months without me to help. I should put on a pointy hat that says "dunce" because I am an idiot. I kissed Clare on the cheek and then I done something I should have done a long time ago. I reached into her nightstand and I got those damn diet pills she's been taking. I flushed them down the crapper. So…there is more of Clare to love these days but she doesn't need these.

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