CHAPTER 25 LELIANA

Author's Note: Not what you're expecting, so I'm sorry! But this needed to be done, so be patient a little while longer.

5 months ago

The hunt wasn't going as expected. Too distracting were the thoughts of the witch, too distracting was the pain in her chest, pressing her heart together in one tight knot.

A tear slipped down her cheek as she thought of the mage yet again. The woman was never far from her thoughts, but sometimes she had an hour or two of blissful ignorance. Not so now. The raven-haired beauty haunted her every step of the way; every animal she encountered seemed to bear her scent, her eyes, the color of her hair… something to keep her from shooting the already notched arrow.

Leliana sat down on a nearby log, leaning her bow against the moss-covered wood. For a moment she just sat there, watching the forest and its inhabitants, trying to forget about her pain. 'A foolish notion', the witch would surely have told her. Handling emotions hadn't been Morrigan's strong suit. Magic was, for sure, yet the intricate feelings that humans had to deal with had never been something she had been good at.

A choking sound escaped her lips when she thought of the witch in the past tense. Clasping her hand over her mouth to stifle the sound, Leliana lost whatever strength she had that had kept her from weeping.

Tears rolled down her face freely now, collecting on her chin and hand, falling to the ground with soft splashes. The longer she cried, the more painful it became, and soon her body was shaking uncontrollably, barely able to stay seated on the log. The thought of never seeing Morrigan again felt like a punch in the chest. Worse even, like a knife plunging into her heart, twisting and turning, ripping apart everything that made her who she was.

It took her a long time to calm down enough to even stand up, but eventually she did. Leliana returned to camp. Without game. Again.

3 months ago

Holding a strand of fur in her hand, Leliana was hiding inside her tent, content to be alone for a moment. Her companions had become increasingly annoying over time, asking her how she was, telling her stories, intent on making her laugh, but occasionally they were blunt enough to tell her she was wasting away, that Morrigan was dead and would never return.

She thought of the time when she had cried almost every day, had cried herself to sleep, had woken up with wet eyes. It was a little better now. Thinking of the witch still felt like someone was trying to rip her heart out, but she had more control over her face, and she could hide it better. The pain. The immense pain.

Twisting the bear's fur between her fingers, she imagined what it would be like to touch Morrigan again. To feel her warm body against hers, comforting her, holding her, protecting her from everything that caused her pain. A sad smile tugged at her lips, and her eyes closed for an instant, blocking out her surroundings. For a moment it felt like she was here. Her vicious remarks and sultry voice.

Shaking her head, the rogue opened her eyes, focusing on the real world. This was where she belonged. This was the world where she would find Morrigan or Morrigan's killer. She knew now that her hopes could very well be crushed, that the magnificent mage was most likely dead. But she couldn't live with that thought, so she kept telling herself that she would find the older woman again. She would. And if it cost her life.

1 month ago

Leliana's jaw tightened. When her punch cracked the elf's nose, a pleased smile spread over her lips. The smaller figure stumbled back, holding their face.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" Wynne came rushing towards them, her staff held protectively in front of her, as if she expected an attack. Although she did not bother helping the injured rogue to stand straight, her eyes went to the broken nose, inspecting it casually.
"What do you think you're doing, you stupid girl?!" The old mage's staff went up, coming to a halt right in front of Leliana's face. She stared at it for a moment, pondering what she should do with the irritating witch.

She decided that the woman would have to leave her and the elf alone. She effortlessly ripped the staff from the mage's hands and shoved it into the ground.
"Wynne. Go. This is between us." The grey-haired woman looked at the elf for a moment, obviously trying to figure out what to do. Nodding and ignoring the distrustful look the mage sent Leliana's way, the elf stood up straight, wiping the blood off his nose.

Zevran spit some blood to the ground, unaware of Leliana's angry glare. Human fingers twitched, longing to punch him again. Leliana stared at Wynne for a moment, praying the old hag would go. Just this once. The rogue knew as a mage of the circle Wynne had strict rules, and she hadn't been too happy about her getting closer to Morrigan. The events today had not changed things for the better.

"Leave. Now." Surprisingly enough, Zevran seemed to want her gone just as much as she did. Finally her prayers were heard, and the witch left them alone, muttering impolitely as she went away. She was barely out of earshot when the small elf spoke up:
"Leliana, listen t…"
"No. You listen. If you ever, ever do this again, I will do more than punch you. Whether you are drunk or not."
"Leliana…"
"Zevran, NO."

Looking at the small figure of the elven assassin properly for the first time since they started talking, she noticed dark circles beneath the blond eyebrows. She knew Zevran wasn't well. Some time ago he had started drinking, which he had rarely done before. He looked disheveled and unwell, his armor had been fastened clumsily, and now that blood was flowing down his chin, he looked rather pitiful.

Leliana sighed and looked down at the shivering creature, kicking him in the shin out of pure spite. Her well-placed kick sent the rogue sprawling to the ground with a yelp.
"I said I'm sorry, Leliana…"

Sighing, the bard sat down on a nearby rock, wondering what she should do. She still missed Morrigan, and she knew it showed. The only person she had even let remotely close had been Kaala. She hadn't realized that by spending time with the lively elf she had attracted Zevran's attention. Apparently the rogue and assassin had become rather close, close enough to share their bed from time to time. Leliana hadn't known that until mere moments ago. The somewhat inebriated and jealous elf had approached her when she had come back from Kaala's tent in the middle of the night. He had been yelling at her in a way that was completely out of character for the usually quite rational elf, throwing insults left and right.

At first she had been confused by his outburst, hadn't known what it was about. Until the drunken ramblings had started to make some kind of sense and she had become angry and annoyed. It was true. She had spent many a night in Kaala's bed, in her arms. Shaking and crying. That's all she had ever done. Kaala had comforted her when no one else could, taking care of her, never disagreeing with her when she had said Morrigan was still alive. She had needed that, and it had helped her. The red-haired elf had been the only one who hadn't tried to convince her that Morrigan was dead and gone forever. She had stayed silent, nodded once or twice, but never argued.

When Zevran had yelled at her, she had stayed surprisingly calm, even though she had known he would probably wake the whole camp. Which he had. Wynne had come out of her tent first, but others had followed. Leliana had become slightly agitated at that point. She had kept ignoring the curious glances and murmured complaints, but she knew that her annoyance had been visible for everyone. Except for Zevran, who had continued shouting.

At one point, he had gone so far as to grab her by her armor, pulling her towards him, his drunken sputtering showering her in spit. That had been the moment her patience had run out. When she had punched him, it hadn't been lightly, and hadn't been meant to simply push him away. She had wanted to hurt him.

Now, with thoughts running through her head like a horde of crazed skeletons, she regretted hitting him.

Slightly.

2 weeks ago

"Kaala, no."
"Why? You should let it go, you know he's an idiot sometimes." An unbidden smile spread across her lips, and Leliana regretted it immediately. Zevran was not an idiot. His love for Kaala had forced him to lash out, that was all. He always said he didn't love, but this time he obviously did. His eyes followed the lithe elf everywhere she went, even though he tried to hide it.

"I said no. Don't think you can force me into it." Kaala looked at her, annoyed and disappointed, and maybe a little hurt.
"I know I can't force you. But look, I know the two of you have been good friends, why…"
"Because. I can't talk to him any longer, try and understand that. His behavior… It wasn't right and… and I'm not sure it won't happen again."

The look in the elf's eyes told her everything she needed to know. Kaala didn't know either. Zevran had distanced himself from Leliana after the incident two weeks ago, and he hadn't returned to drinking since. But still, the bard and the elf both knew that the part of him that had yelled at her was still in there. And Kaala's behavior wasn't helping. At least one of them knew that.

"You can't come into my tent anymore when you're drunk, Kaala." Hurt flickered in green eyes, and for a moment Leliana wondered whether there was more to the elf's friendship than met the eye. But to her surprise the rogue didn't argue. She smiled weakly and pointed towards the looming figure of Zevran in the back of the camp.
"Yeah, I get that. He'll be happy about that, I assume."
"I bet he will. Listen…"
"No, really. It's fine, Leliana. I understand. No matter how many times I tell his scrawny ass to stay out of it, he just keeps interfering. I'm not sure what to do. Ordering him around works fine in battle, but it obviously doesn't work in this case. He's… he's become too attached. That's why I thought it would help if you two talked to each other…?"

"By the Maker, I told you no!"
"I know, I know…"

2 days ago

Ever since Kaala and Leliana had talked, Leliana had gone out of her way to stay away from the two elves as much as possible. It was lonely. The loneliness surprised the redhead. She had spent a lot of time in the last few months alone, away from the others. Shutting herself off. Mainly because she did not care for discussions about whether or not Morrigan was actually dead. It seemed no matter where she went, the topic was bound to come up. So she had secluded herself from the others. It hadn't bothered her. Kaala had visited her at night, and in the beginning they had found comfort in the knowledge that they both missed the witch. She hadn't been alone.

But now, with no one to talk to, Leliana felt lonely. Back were the days when she cried herself to sleep; back were the sleepless nights or nightmares. She felt awful. But she couldn't let go. And it was more often than not that she went to bed with a certain strand of hair in her hand.

TO BE CONTINUED.

I took kind of a liberty with the Kaala/Leliana friendship there, since I said in chapter 22 that Leliana had distanced herself from the others… Not sure. But it felt right to write it like this, because of the upcoming chapters. I hope you guys don't mind! Reviews would be appreciated, as always :)