Chapter Twenty-Five: Listen to Your Heart

"You… you didn't even try. We could have talked. I could have helped you!"

"You could have helped me."

"How could you have helped? Squall… it wasn't up to you to help me. You were meant to live your own life, to be your own person. I saw the man you had become…" She could barely choke out the words, but she knew it was for the best. "You – my friends… I just couldn't. I just saw how happy everyone seemed."

"How can you base everything on what you saw?" he said exasperated. "Rinoa, you can't judge by sight alone."

"Then what do you expect me to judge by?"

She shivered remembering everything about that night. The way he looked at Elise - he had never looked at her like that. It was a way that she had always wanted him to hold her, to kiss her. It was just a chance that fate had denied.

"I-I... don't know... maybe see what's in your heart," he finally managed. "Rinoa, if you just looked at me with your heart, maybe you could have seen how much I needed to know you were there."

"With my heart?" What kind of line was that? He was kissing someone else for God's sake. He was finally living the life that he deserved... that was the brutality of what her heart saw.

"Please... it wasn't an easy decision. What you are saying now is a beautiful and idealistic concept, but it isn't reality. I lived reality. Squall, out on the balcony, I saw you smile. I could never get you to smile. You are a different person now. I really don't know you. Honestly, looking back, I'm not sure if I ever truly did. But Elise does. She has been there for you. She managed all those things that I wanted, but I-" No, she couldn't say that, it was too hard to admit she had failed.

"I just wasn't the right person. I couldn't imagine you with someone more perfect. She's beautiful, elegant... There was a presence in the way she moved across the floor that night. She is the opposite of me, she commands attention, not demands it."

What part of the Graduation celebration did Rinoa attend? The part where he drank enough liquor that he could barely find his way back to the hotel room? The part where he snapped at both his fiancée and Cid Kramer for no apparent reason? No, she saw him and Elise on the balcony, smiling and kissing.

The perfect couple.

The irony in the situation almost made him want to laugh. Not a soft chuckle, but that bitter chortle that begins from deep inside, quickly engulfing any trace of sanity. Would now be the right time to mention they were talking about her? The only reason he even smiled was at the thought of seeing her again. Even though that night he knew he would never make it beyond the steps of the Memorial; it was at least the hope that carried him in that moment. And that was the only damned reason he smiled.

"Squall, it's not her fault, it's not yours. It's just the way fate decided it was meant to be. You have a wonderful career and you're going to marry someone who cares very deeply for you. It's funny, it didn't take a shooting star to see this; it just took me seeing clearly with my own eyes. For once, just looking at what was best for those around and not looking at myself."

He couldn't make eye contact with her, his heart was defenseless, but his thoughts were all-consuming. Somehow he still refused to believe 'this' was what was best for everyone, or what was best for him. She had no idea what 'reality' was - no damned idea of the nightmares he had faced for so long.

"Squall, back in Esthar, I saw people who for seven years thought I was dead. Part of me realized that's what Rinoa Heartilly needed to be - dead. I saw that the friends I'd made at Garden had moved on. I was just a memory. The months I stayed at Garden felt like yesterday in my mind but that night I saw seven years fast-forward in a single heartbeat. I was a twenty-four-year old walking into a party with the mindset of a teenager. I swear... I thought I could walk up to you and..."

Well, she couldn't say what she had honestly hoped, even now.

"I just wanted one last chance. One last moment of the past before I had to live in the present, but that wasn't possible. I couldn't walk up to you and think that time would miraculously reverse itself. That time I knew we couldn't end up on the dance floor."

"Damn it Rinoa, that would have been my..." He so desperately wanted to say choice, although that truth would be unfair to Elise. "Problem... It would have been my problem - if you had shown up that night."

"No Squall, that's what you don't understand. It wouldn't have been just your problem. It would have been everybody's - yours, Garden's, an entire planet that couldn't accept what I had become. That is what I realized. That was the night I realized that Rinoa Heartilly was really just a memory, a bronze plaque engraved on a memorial. My existence was already intruding on the lives Quistis, Laguna, and countless others in Esthar. I couldn't ask any more to sacrifice because of who I am... what I had become."

"Others made sacrifices. We, your friends, could have dealt with it. You denied them of even that chance. We are all adults."

"No, you, Quistis, Selphie, Zell, Irvine, Elise... again, you were the adults. I was still the teenager who has aged a lifetime since then, for better or worse. Over the last months, I have learned more about living than I ever wanted to know. Leaving was a decision I made, one I won't ever regret. It allowed you the one gift that you truly deserved: your own life. To quote an article from a very smart Trabian Headmaster, 'Let my soul rest in peace.' What could I have been but a complication that you didn't need? A responsibility that you would feel the need to take care of?"

Take care of? Is that what she thought?

"Squall, it was for the best that I left." She defended her position knowing how many lives rested on her judgment. Moreover, balanced on a maturity level that she wasn't positive her mind had achieved. To let go of adolescent whims, no matter how deeply they still ran. To finally understand that the evening that they met could never be recreated, it was only meant to remain perfect in their memories. No, that first encounter was not perfect, it never was... but the memories were. She cherished that fact.

"It was for the best," she whispered, trying to convince herself that she had made the right decision.

"This is for the best."

Her stifled words echoed in his head. His mind divided two planes, straddling the lines of the present and the one moment repeated so often in his memories. A palm resting on a translucent prison, a crystalline tear never allowed to fall, words softly spoken before she had the audacity to tell him that she loved him. Even after he had failed her, even after she had lost everything, she had the nerve to say those words to him... nobody should ever say those words to him, especially not her. She couldn't have loved him.

He tried to look her in the eyes, but she immediately shied away. He was breaking down the façade that was ready to collapse into the sand. God, he so badly wanted to reach out, to touch her again, and to subdue that doubt that kept lingering – that she was just a mirage, going to fade back into oblivion. His heart believed she was real, although his head still doubted, he always doubted.

Squall Leonhart couldn't change the past - that was a lesson that Ellone had taught him when he was still a teenager. He could change the present; he could tell her how he felt now. Damn it, he didn't have to accept that this time, that her actions were 'for the best.'

Rinoa had echoed that exact response yesterday, when they were still upstairs, but at that time the words threw him into a wave of nausea. She might have been able to get away from his ire last night, the Headmaster was in no mood to argue, not that he was now. But there was no way in hell that fate would deny him a third chance to tell her how wrong one phrase could be, how much pain it could cause. He remembered exactly how he felt, not only in this moment, but in every moment during the last eight years. If only she could see, if only somehow he could bear his soul without ever having to utter a word.

"Not this time... not this time!" He repeated with unmatched determination. Memories rose to the surface, erupting in an inner firestorm of pain and confusion

"W-What?" Her body tensed in surprise. Rinoa gathered her willpower, looking him in the eyes, as delicate fingers outlined the Odine band Laguna had given her for security. It was subconscious, it was habit. As much as she tried to convince herself in its untold power, the ring wasn't Griever, and nothing would replace that lost portion of her soul. Right now though, it was all she had.

Rinoa wasn't afraid of him, she never could be, but she was afraid of her own actions. Then again, she deserved so much more fury from him than the restraint he had been showing.

"I said not this time!" He repeated more forceful than any words before. His mind focused in a clarity it hadn't for years as he moved closer. He felt as if his legs were sinking in a pool of quicksand, but this moment was now or never. If he were going to drown in the murky substance, she would at least hear his take on 'what was best' after eight long, painful years.

"You will listen to me, you will stop being so stubborn for once in your goddamned life and listen to me!" He reached out his hand, no longer fighting his need to make physical contact. Before his mind could convince himself that holding her was wrong, his fingers wrapped around her arm, clinging to that one fragment of his sanity that remained... her.

"Rinoa, who in the hell are you to tell me what is for the best? You tried that, and believe me, it didn't work out so well. Whatever you have to say, whatever excuse you are going to stand here and let come out of your mouth... just don't you dare say 'it was for the best,' because you believed it was. You have no right, do you understand me? You have no goddamned right to make a decision for someone else! Not now, not then."

'Then' - it was so easily misinterpreted as a few months ago in Esthar and not all those years ago in the desert. God, how he remembered the warmth of her body against his in the Ragnarok's cockpit. Her arms were around him, truly around him... the comfort he so desperately denied in that moment. That was the only 'then' he wanted to truly revisit. It was the only one he wanted to make her realize the consequences of... the decision she made alone, the one she had no right to make. Didn't she see; couldn't she see?

"I… needed you Rinoa." His voice was barely audible now. But his eyes spoke emotions loud and clear. He suddenly felt selfish that he had admitted that to her face. She was right, this just wasn't about what he wanted… what he needed. He tried to correct himself, "I needed you to be all right."

Her eyes scanned the computerized card catalogue once more, making sure she hadn't missed it in haste. Cactuar's Day Out, Calm of the Sea, Castles in the Sky... The story 'Calling the Wind' was not among the books listed in the library. Should that fact honestly surprise her? Would Garden be so careless as to stock a children's book that contradicted everything that they taught?

Every moment she scrutinized the situation more, felt like costly time slipping into oblivion. Although, for the life of her, she couldn't even figure out what was her driving force - what unknown kept her going when by all accounts, she should be seceding from this reality. Maybe it was that sense of urgency that kept her sane, because without it, she honestly didn't know what she was fighting for.

Who she was fighting for.

Why did instinct tell her this book was vital? How could a children's fairy tale hold anything she so desperately sought? Honestly, she wasn't sure if there were answers anymore or just another veil of deception hidden behind bureaucracy. It was by hearing a child's fable that she had discovered the relationship between a knight and his sorceress. It was told through innocence, one not scorned with hatred or fear for a sorceress, that the simplest discovery was made. Sometimes it took a leap of faith greater than all your being, and right now she felt as if she was standing at the edge of a cliff.

Elise groaned in aggravation, this was going nowhere. Well, she did know of at least one copy of the book... the little girl. It might be a struggle, and take some convincing. Especially if it was the only memento that she had left of her mother, but maybe she could understand. Maybe sharing something of her mother would be something Annette would understand, and maybe, even appreciate. Right now, it was the only chance Elise had, and she'd be damned if she didn't take it.

Elise only had to wait a second before the young girl opened the door. "Annette, I'm really sorry to bother you."

"Dr... Dr. Vandermere... Did I do something wrong?" The child looked terrified not used to having Garden staff showing up at her door.

"No, no... not at all sweetie... I was just in the area and wanted to see how your stitches were doing. Is it all right if I take a quick peek?"

"Uh-huh..." The little girl bravely held out her arm. Elise crouched down to her level, carefully removing the gauze before checking the wound.

"Well, that is looking pretty good so far... Is it all right if I come inside and redo the bandage for you?"

"I guess. Sure." The little girl hesitantly stepped to the side allowing the doctor in. Annette tried to smile, but bit her lip nervously. There was something that felt very strange to have the Headmaster's girlfriend in her room. She nervously shifted her weight from one foot to the other as the doctor carefully started to tend to her wounds.

"Annette, I was wondering, do you remember that book you told me about earlier? Calling the Wind? Do you happen to still have a copy of that?"

"Of course I do...it was from my mother... Actually, she left it to my sister and I, we share it."

Elise smiled trying to hide her own nerves. She had gone through far worse, why was asking for this feeling like an overwhelming weight?

"Do you think it would be all right with you and your sister if I borrow it for the night? I promise to be very, very careful. I know how much it means to you, to have those memories of your mother."

"My sister is in Balamb taking the field exam. I don't think she would mind... You promise to be careful with it?"

"With my life." Elise finished the bandage, placing her hand over her heart for emphasis.

"Okay. Hang on..." The little girl bounded off into the other room appearing a few moments later with a small hard-covered book. Annette carefully wiped it off, although Elise honestly had seen nothing on it, but still the girl treated the book with the utmost respect. The young cadet firmly held it in her fingers before finally parting with it, little hands trembling with the unknown.

"And Dr. Vandermere..."

"Yes."

"Don't be scared of the sorceress...the one in the book is beautiful - like a princess or something. All she wants to do is be with her knight and not have people scared or hate her. She's really pretty and nice."

"Of course she is... princesses are always 'nice,' but what about the knight's fiancée?" Elise hadn't meant to say the last part aloud, it just slipped.

"Fe-once-ey? I don't think the knight has one of those..." Annette thought hard about that subject. "He does have a horse though!"

"Great." Elise added smiling the best she could muster, "I'll remember that."

She couldn't help but look at him, her eyes engrossed in something he hadn't meant to divulge, a weakness. Rinoa could not form lucid words in her thoughts, let alone find any to speak. Maybe for a microcosm of a second he had let his guard down. Maybe she saw something deeper than she had allowed herself to see before - his pain, his suffering, his guilt? Was it possible that somewhere under all of this, he seriously blamed himself for her decision? Was that what his outburst was about?

"Squall…please tell me that you…you don't…" A sudden jarring against the front door cut her statement short and she jumped in alarm.

She looked at the door as the resounding rap on the heavy oak came again. The lingering fear she had held since arriving in Winhill returned. That fear that came with a knock at the door. She gave a sideways glance back at Squall who looked to be in an almost defensive stance with his fists clenched closely at his hips. Turning back towards the door, she summoned up her courage to question the insistent guest waiting outside.

"Who…who is it?"

"It's just your friendly neighborhood meals-on-wheels delivery service…well actually meals-on-creaking knees and arthritic feet prone to gout…but who the hell wants to be politically correct about that?"

The young woman tried to keep the sigh of relief from exiting through her lips. "It's Maude." She said more to herself than to Squall as she walked to the door to greet the older woman. Fortunately for him, Rinoa didn't see the scowl that formed on his face at the mention of the name, nor did she hear the slight sigh of loathing that exited his lips immediately after.

Maude McCay gave the sorceress a warm and cheerful smile as the door opened before her. She held a lidded pot out between them into the doorway. Rinoa returned the smile, masking all of the lines of hurt and pain in her face.

"How are you Maude?"

"You're just being polite young lady. I've been around too long. You really don't want to know the answer to the question, unless you pencil me in for the rest of the evening." The older woman gave a lingering stare to the man standing in the living room. "And I can see you have better things to do than hang around me tonight."

"Not really." Rinoa sneered under her breath. "I mean, please come in... you're not interrupting anything..." All right that might have been the understatement of the year, but it was obvious Squall didn't want to honestly talk about this. Hell, when did he ever want to talk about anything? She would give him her blessing, if that is what he sought, if that is what this pilgrimage was about. He could marry whomever he wanted, she never expected him to feel any guilt. Being sealed was her decision... how dare he take the one noble thing away in her life and turn it into some personal quest for redemption.

Once again she fingered the ring around her neck seeking solace that she wouldn't bring the walls in around them and bury Squall's past, her future, and an innocent bystander beneath the rubble. She was actually relieved to see Maude; the old woman's timing seemed to always keep that consistent impeccability. Her hands shook tremulously and she knew she would have to get this under control. She had learned in Esthar that above all else it was anger and rage that sent sorceresses spiraling out of control. She could feel it ebbing through her when Ultimecia had control of her body. Blessings became curses and compassion became wrath. She wouldn't allow it to control her, and for the moment she allowed herself to step away from her conflict and focus on someone completely different. A person that had helped to bring meaning back to her life and associated her with nothing else but kindness.

"Can I get you something to drink?" She offered, pleading for an excuse to get out of the room if for just a moment.

"No, no dear. I don't have time. But thank you. I just wanted to drop off a pot of soup I had simmering at the house. Earlier I offered Mr. Personality an invitation for the both of you for dinner this evening." She quipped while motioning towards Squall. "He declined, so, well…I'm delivering." Maude handed the pot to Rinoa.

"Oh thank you so much. You shouldn't have." Rinoa grasped the container in her hands. "I'm sorry…he didn't say anything about talking to you." She gave the headmaster a daunting glare out of the corner of her eye.

"Now you can't go blaming him Renee sweetheart. He is a man after all. A man will turn down a free seven course meal if he has something more pressing on his mind." She gave the other woman a wink. Rinoa felt the blush creep up from her neck once again as she looked quickly away at something seemingly distracting on the wall. She tried to quickly steer the subject in a different direction.

"What is this Maude?" She asked looking down at the pot. "It smells wonderful."

"Ah." The old woman said proudly. "That my dear is my award winning, never duplicated, Catcherpillar chowder! It has been dubbed by the townspeople of Winhill 'a soup so damn good you'll smack your mama.' Yeah…I think it went something like that. You know, I don't get to make this often. It's only when someone manages to kill one of those ugly bastards when they creepy crawl into town. It just so happened one of them decided to saunter in to Lucky's barn. And well…you know the last thing anyone sees when they try to cross in to my baby's territory don't you lumpy?" She grinned widely at the headmaster who half grunted in response. Rinoa tried to control the giggle that suddenly surfaced from her throat.

Squall internally rolled his eyes. He didn't think it was possible for that woman to be any more annoying. But she appeared to be determined to prove that assertion wrong with each and every encounter. The old bag had the worst timing possible. For the first time he felt like they were actually getting somewhere, then she had to come and stick her nose where it didn't belong. If she just insisted on fixing him a decent dinner, maybe he could show her how to filet and quarter that damn chocobo of hers. The thought of insect soup made him ill. Though he kept this queasy anger beneath a cool façade he'd built over the last two decades. Nothing betraying save a slight clench of his left fist.

"I really hope you enjoy it. Like I said, it's a very rare treat for special occasions…which…if I may say…this seems to be indeed. I was going to make you something really boring like potato or chicken soup. But you know Lucky doesn't have that namesake for nothing…he always seems to come through in the clutch."

She smiled wistfully before glancing at her watch.

"Well I won't keep you kids any longer; I just wanted to drop that off before I turned in for the evening. And I wanted to make sure you had the house all secure. Because it looks like one doozy of a storm is headed this way. The radio has been chattering and squawking about it all day. All the different warnings and what not going off, buzzing like June bugs. Do you have everything you need in case the power goes out?"

"Yeah we'll be fine. I really appreciate the meal Maude. I haven't really had a chance to think about food." The young woman said.

Maude grabbed the door handle as she turned and then smiled widely over her shoulder at Squall. "Yes, I can certainly see why. Call me if you need anything alright?" She didn't wait for a response as she closed the door behind her with a wave leaving both occupants stunned and speechless in the now silent house.

The young woman sighed and looked down at the container she was holding. She wasn't ready to dive back into the heated conversation they were having even though there were answers she still needed. Right now she was tired, her head ached, and for the first time that day she was noticing her hunger.

"Look, I think we should just sit down and pretend to relax for a few minutes. I could really use some food and I'm sure you could too. I'll go get some bowls and utensils in the kitchen, just…go have a seat at the table alright?"

He nodded. Though his longing to continue their conversation, the answers he desperately sought fell back a little at her retreat not to mention his fatigue and the remaining consistency of his headache.

He sat down at the table with the nerves of a teenager meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. Squall found himself drumming his fingers idly on the waxed wood surface. He tried to clear his head of everything, an impossible task he knew, but for a few moments he just desired peace…peace with her. His mind wouldn't let him however and his thoughts suddenly turned to the last time he sat down at a table for a meal. There was a pain in his heart as he thought of Elise. He thought of the taste of the vodka as it burned its way down his throat. The dryness in his mouth suddenly became very noticeable and unconsciously he licked his lips.

His hands began trembling again with need for that temporary solution to the permanently fucked up mess he was. Elise had cried for him so many times. Squall wasn't supposed to see it. But he did. He had put her through so much in their time together. And now, because he couldn't face her, she was probably teetering off the deep end and preparing to lead a search party to Winhill to find him. Now he was bringing all of this to Rinoa. It seemed to him that it was all so much easier when he didn't allow anyone to get close. Everyone who did seemed to be sucked through the vortex into the slow burning hell he resided in.

"No one needs you Squall Leonhart," he thought bitterly to himself. "You'd be doing the world a favor if you would just wink out of existence and undo all the mistakes you made."