Chapter 25: Pirates of the Canadian

Heather and Bridgette were resting up before the finale, but were having trouble falling asleep. "I can't believe we made it to the finals", Bridgette said. "I mean, I know your alliance worked last season, but I didn't expect it to work again." "Guess it was worth it for you to trust me", Heather replied. "Now we're the last ones left... which means we get the trailer all to ourselves." Bridgette yawned. "Yeah, it's so much easier to relax without Eva here." Heather blushed. "Oh, yeah! That's totally what I was referring to! Well... goodnight!" Suddenly, the emergency exit in the roof opened up and someone threw a can into the trailer. It spewed out some purple fumes, and the girls were knocked out.

The girls woke up several hours later, tied to a mast in the middle of a pirate ship set. Heather groaned. "Guess the final challenge is starting now... Well, let's get these ropes off." After several minutes of struggling, the girls untied the ropes. Then, Chef walked up to them with a cart with a covered tray on it. "Breakfast, anyone?" Bridgette sighed. "Sure. I guess even slop is better than doing a challenge on an empty stomach." Chef removed the cover and the Bridgette stared in awe at the tray. "Holy crap, real food!" Chef nodded. "Yep. Fresh fruit to ward off scurvy, hot flapjacks to prevent, uh, lice or something, all prepared according to my highest personal standards."

Bridgette pulled the cart away from Chef and the girls began chowing down, but while they were eating, Chris, dressed as a pirate, climbed down from atop the mast and stepped onto the tray. "Yarr, mateys! Me parrot, Chris Junior Junior Junior and I want to congratulate ye landlubbers for makin' it to the final two! And, as ye can probably tell, today be space zombies movie day!" Heather raised an eyebrow and Chris dropped his accent. "It's actually pirate movie day, and you're on deck for a swashbuckling obstacle course, followed by a treasure hunt through the entire season's challenges. And, if you wanna claim your million dollar booty, you might wanna end your little alliance.

Confession Cam: Heather

"Yeah, I don't know. Chris did make a good point, but I'm not gonna end my alliance with Bridgette just because we're competing against each other now. It's better to keep your allies around as long as possible. Besides, it's not MY million dollar booty I'm interested in..."

Chris handed each of the girls a box of cotton swabs. "Obstacle number one: swab the poopdeck. Obstacle number two, pun intended: grab a flag, shimmy up the greased mast, and fly your jolly roger. And finally, a cannon ball! The target is the monster movie set from day one. Ready, set, and... go!" The girls ran into the two bathrooms on deck, and Chris walked over to Chef. "So, what's with the fancy food? Did you lace it with laxatives or something?" "Nope, just going out in style. That's the last meal I'm ever gonna serve on this two-bit show. I got me a job cheffing on a swanky cruise ship, so you can kiss my behind goodbye!" "Yeah, yeah, and I got a job hosting the Oscars. Very funny." Chef glared at Chris and stuck a grease brush onto his hat. "Who's laughing?"

Soon after, Bridgette finished swabbing. She ran out and grabbed a flag from Chris, then went to the mast. She tried climbing, but kept sliding back down. Meanwhile, Heather came out, went to the side of the ship and threw up. "This may just be the worst challenge ever..." "Heather, gimme a hand!", Bridgette yelled. Heather grabbed her flag and walked up to the mast. "Having trouble getting up there?" "I think we can do it together, just hand me your flag." Heather did so, and Bridgette put both flags in her pockets. "Okay, now hold my hand." Heather blushed and did so. "Now we just climb up together, and pull each other up if we start slipping. Easy." The girls climbed up, reached the top and attached their flags to the top of the mast. Bridgette smiled. "Thanks, Heather." "No problem."

The climbed back down and over to the cannons. "Ever fired an air cannon before?", Chef asked them. The girls shook their heads. "If you're gonna hit your target, this thing's gonna need a whole lot of air. Start pumping." The girls used some bicycle pumps to fill up the cannons. Heather looked at Chef. "What, no insults? Chef, are you okay?" Chef glared at her. "After two whole seasons, NOW you wanna know if I'm okay?" "Well, sorta..." The girls finished filling their cannons and Chris walked up to them. "Okay girls, hop in!" Heather groaned. "A human cannon ball challenge. Of course." Then, Chris turned to Chef. "You gonna fire the cannons, or just stand there and be useless?" Chef glared at Chris. "You see, that attitude is why I'm out of here. I'm tired of watching you do your bogus job and get all the glory while I'm stuck with all the grunt work!" "Hosting is WAY harder than what you do. I dare you to try it sometime. "Fine, let's go!" "Fine, be my guest!" "Can we get on with this?", Heather asked. Chris handed a remote control to Chef and he hit a button on it. Heather was launched through the air, screaming. He then hit another button and the same thing happened to Bridgette. "You see? Piece of cake, just like the rest of your job." "You'll see..."

Heather and Bridgette crash landed at the monster movie set. Heather groaned and rubbed her head. "Okay, now what do we do?" After she asked, a helicopter arrived and dropped Chef down. He pulled a cue card out of his pocket and looked at it. "Sweet landing, girls! I'm your righteous new host, uh, Chef!" He saw a camera and smiled at it awkwardly. "The rest of today's challenge is a ganar... gnarly treasure hunt, through all the previous challenges." "Chris already told us this", Heather said. "Oh, and did the ex-host tell ya that if you correctly answer a trivia question, you skip the challenge and move on to the next one?" Bridgette smiled. "Cool. What's the question?" Chef pulled out another cue card. "Okay, uh... who got the space boot after the alien challenge?" "Easy, Leshawna." "Follow up question: what is she allergic to?" Bridgette frowned and scratched her head. "I dunno..." "Pineapples", Heather said. Chef nodded. "Way to go, uh, dudette. You get to skip this challenge. Bridgette, you don't. Your task is to make out with the giant robot monster." The monster stomped over and Chef pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Let's make this love fest nice and slobbery", he said into it. "Don't be shy, now." The monster stomped over to Bridgette and picked her up. She closed her eyes and kissed its cheek, then started gagging. The monster giggled and dropped her, then walked away.

Heather ran over to Bridgette and helped her get up. "You okay?" "Yeah, just a little grossed out, that's all." Heather smiled. "Good. Now let's go to the next challenge." Chef led them to the hilltop set and pulled another card out of his pocket. He looked at it, then the girls. "Who was left on the editing floor after the make a movie challenge, and how many piercings did he have?" "Duncan had... uh... four, I think", Heather said. Chef nodded. "Alright, follow me." He led them to the water tower at the wild west set. "Okay, ladies, your next questions are: who took the train to crazy town after the cowboy challenge, and where did his fear of mimes come from?" Heather scratched her chin. "Well I know Trent's the one who got voted off, but I have no idea where his fear came from. Bridgette?" Bridgette shrugged. Chef pulled out a new cue card and read it. "Sorry, girls, but since you cannot say where Trent's phobia came from, the horse you jumped onto before will now jump on you. Time to saddle up." He threw some saddles to them, they strapped them on and walked over to the target area, and the horse jumped onto them. "Oww, my back!" "Oww, MY back!" The girls groaned in agony for a few minutes before they could get up.

After they could walk again, Chef led them to the next challenge. "Okay. Who got a get out of TDA free card after the prison flick, and what are the names of her reptilian pets?", he asked them. Heather looked grossed out. "Gwen has pet lizards? Gross!" "I have no idea what their names were", Bridgette said. Chef pointed at the obstacle course from the prison challenge. "Start running." They did so. Then he took them to the horror movie set, the war movie set, the sports movie stadium and all the other challenges. The girls got some questions right, but not all of them. Then it was time for the final challenge. "Okay, this question may determine who wins and who does not win the million bucks. Who was voted off after the animal buddy challenge?" "Eva, thank goodness", Heather said. "And what is her most valued possession?" "Her MP3 player!", Heather said. She smiled. "Ah, I still remember using that to get her booted off last season. Good times..." Chef nodded. "And, what's her favorite kind of music?" Heather facepalmed. "You have to be kidding." Chef shook his head. "So... what's your answer?" "Rock?", Bridgette asked. "Metal?", Heather added. Chef shook his head again. "Nope. You're both wrong. So, you both need to do the challenge." Heather sighed. "Fine. At least the animal challenge wasn't so hard." Chef laughed. "Yeah, that's why Chris decided to mix things up. Instead of doing the animal challenge, you have to do the disaster movie earthquake challenge again!"

Chef led them to the challenge, where Chris was waiting. "Okay, last time it was Chef's job to hurt you guys, now it's my turn. Challenge starts... now!" The girls ran up the shaking, breaking obstacle course, easily avoiding bricks and such that Chris hurled at them. "You throw like a five year old girl!", Heather yelled. "Yeah, and you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!", Bridgette added. Chris glared at the girls, made a giant slingshot and launched a toilet at them. Then a sink. Then, Chef drove up with a large safe. "Need a hand?", he asked. Chris looked confused. "Really?" Chef nodded and helped him get the safe into the slingshot. They pulled it back, slowly. "The way you torture the kids... you're a natural, you know that?", Chris asked. "Knockin' em down, bruisin' em up, killing their spirits... nobody can do it quite like you, pal." "You really mean that?", Chef asked. "Yeah. I do. If you really wanna leave the show, it's cool. Good luck." Chef sighed. "Nah. I couldn't leave you all alone like that. You'd be terrible on your own. You're not that good." Chris smiled. "So... you'll stay?" "After I get a raise... and a vacation." "Deal." "Then let's finish these suckers off!"

Chef and Chris let go of the slingshot. The safe flew through the air, and landed on Heather. She screamed in pain. "OWWW! Get this thing off me!" Bridgette looked at Heather, who was pinned down and sliding toward a gap in the set's floor. "Bridgette? Please?" Bridgette frowned. She turned to run away, but then turned back and went to Heather. She grabbed her hand and started pulling. Heather tried to push up from under the safe. After a minute of struggling, she was free. She hugged Bridgette. "Oh my gosh, thank you so much!" Bridgette returned the hug. "No problem, Heather. Now let's finish this challenge together. After all, we're still in an alliance." Heather smiled. "And I'm so glad we are." They ran to the end of the obstacle course, and then into a nearby building. They kept running, through some doors, and saw Tyler and Courtney sitting on a couch in the middle of a stage. Courtney cleared her throat. "And the winner is... both of them?" The audience near the stage gasped. Tyler looked at Courtney. "So... what're we gonna do about the million dollars?"