Author's Notes: Sorry for the delay with this chapter. I'd hoped to post it a couple of days ago but things didn't quite go to plan. Hopefully the length makes up for that as it ended up quite a bit longer than I expected. Thank you so much for the reviews and support, and special thanks to Prothrombintime for so graciously providing feedback, inspiration and encouragement. Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-Five
October 30th, 2004
"You're very quiet this evening," Jack stated as he reached for another slice of pizza and proceeded to devour it with his usual exuberance.
Ianto swallowed his mouthful of food and briefly eyed the single remaining slice before deciding to leave it for the other man. He hadn't been particularly hungry anyway, and it had only been at Jack's insistence that they'd stopped by Jubilee Pizza before collecting Ianto's car and driving to the apartment.
Removing the napkin tucked into his collar, he wiped his mouth and fingers, then scrunched it up and dropped it onto his plate on the coffee table. Barely suppressing a weary sigh, he picked up his bottle of beer and downed the rest of it in several hasty gulps, wishing it was something substantially stronger.
He glanced sideways at Jack and noted the look of curiosity mixed with concern, but chose to ignore it. "I'm always quiet."
The leering grin that spread across Jack's face clearly indicated what was going through the man's mind. "Well, not always."
"No, I suppose not," Ianto agreed, not giving into the innuendo-laced tone as he stood up and waved his empty bottle. "Want another one?"
Jack shook his head. "No, thanks. I'm good."
Ianto wandered over to the refrigerator, retrieved another bottle, deftly popped the top, then returned to the sofa where Jack was looking longingly at the remaining slice of pizza. Despite himself, he felt a fond smile tug at the corners of his mouth. "Go ahead, Jack. I'm full."
"Sure?" Jack's hand was already reaching towards the pizza box.
Ianto slumped back down onto the sofa and rested his head on the cushions. Bringing the bottle to his lips, he took a generous mouthful. "Yup."
Settling the bottle on his knee, he closed his eyes and allowed his mind to drift as he listened to Jack noisily eating. A few moments later he felt Jack's hand rest on his thigh and squeeze gently. To his horror he had to resist the involuntary urge to recoil from the sudden contact, and he almost laughed inanely as he hoped Jack had remembered to wipe his fingers first.
"Feel like telling me what's wrong?" Jack asked quietly.
"I'm fine." Ianto opened his eyes and patted Jack's hand. He turned his head to the side and forced himself to meet Jack's disbelieving gaze. "Just a bit more tired from the trip than I thought, that's all."
Jack made a non-committal noise in response. "Ianto, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Ianto nodded, resisting the urge to cringe. He stared intently at his beer bottle before raising it to his lips again. "I know."
It wasn't exactly a lie, but it didn't particularly feel like the truth either, at least not at the moment. But he didn't know what else to say, and an awkward silence settled between them.
"I thought you'd be happy," Jack said, his voice low and uncertain. When Ianto looked at him blankly, he added, "About making your transfer permanent. I know we probably should have talked about it first, but I thought... well, I hoped it was what you wanted."
"It is, Jack," Ianto said insistently, feeling a twinge of guilt, then quickly admonishing himself that he had nothing to feel guilty about. "Really. It was a relief when I found out... knowing Hartman can't recall me back to London. Thank you."
"I wouldn't have let that happen," Jack said firmly, then a gentle smile crept across his lips. "So, officially, you're second in command now."
"Hmm. Not like I had any competition for the job though, is it?" Ianto retorted, but with relatively good humour.
"True," Jack agreed, chuckling softly. Then his expression became serious again. "But there's no one else I would have trusted. It's good to know that if anything happens, Torchwood Three will be in safe hands."
Just two days earlier, Ianto would have been elated to hear Jack's declaration. Instead, he had to force himself not to scoff with disbelief. It was on the tip of his tongue to challenge Jack's words, to demand to know why Jack hadn't told him about knowing the Doctor, but there was something unreadable in the man's features that held him back. There seemed to be some inner conflict going on that Ianto clearly wasn't privy to, and it caused a stab of anxiety to shoot through him. "There's, um... is there something I should know about, Jack?"
"No. Everything's fine," Jack replied, a little too hastily. He smiled disarmingly and patted Ianto's knee. "You're stuck with me, Ianto Jones. To my way of thinking that makes you a very lucky man."
Clearly, whatever Jack was thinking about, he had no intention of sharing it. Forcing aside his frustration, Ianto rolled his eyes and managed a brief but cheeky grin. "Well, I suppose there are worse things."
Jack laughed. "Come here," he said, reaching his hand around the back of Ianto's neck and pulling him into an gentle, unhurried kiss. Ianto did his best to return it, and although it was very enjoyable, as kissing Jack always was, he couldn't seem to properly relax.
"Whoa, you're really tense," Jack exclaimed as he pulled back, stroking his fingers along the base of Ianto's neck, just beneath his open shirt collar. "I think we need to do something about that."
To Ianto's surprise, Jack suddenly jumped up and headed for the bedroom, returning a moment later with two of the pillows from the bed. After haphazardly pushing the coffee table aside and waving away Ianto's muttered protests, he dropped the pillows onto the carpet in front of where he'd been sitting, then plonked himself down, resting his back against the front of the sofa.
Looking up at Ianto, he patted the pillow in front of him between his legs. "Come and sit here in front of me."
"Jack..." Ianto said warily, not in the mood for Jack's frivolities.
"Come on. I won't bite. I'm just going to give you a shoulder massage. You'll like it, I promise." Jack grinned as he waggled his fingers teasingly at him.
Ianto sighed softly, knowing it was pointless to resist. Quickly gulping down the rest of his beer, he stood up, instinctively straightened the coffee table and put down the empty bottle, then lowered himself to sit in front of the other man. He stretched out his legs, then folded them in a bit until he was comfortable. Jack's lips pressed lightly against his neck before strong hands settled on his shoulders and began to knead gently at the tense muscles.
Ianto lowered his head, an involuntary groan of pleasure escaping from his lips as Jack's talented hands began to work their magic. It was a wholly new experience for him, and he found himself relishing it immensely. Although he'd given Lisa the occasional foot rub when they'd been together, she'd never seemed inclined to return the favour in any shape or form.
"Good?" Jack's voice murmured seductively in his ear.
"Mmm," Ianto replied as Jack's thumbs pressed more firmly against the tightness at the nape of his neck. "Very good."
Jack's hands shifted to Ianto's front and began unbuttoning his shirt. "Let's get rid of this," he murmured as he pulled the shirt away from Ianto's trousers and eased it off his shoulders, dropping it onto the floor beside them.
There was a further rustle of movement, and Jack's blue button-up shirt and white undershirt were added to the pile. Ianto reclined against the warmth of Jack's bare chest as the other man pressed a series of kisses along his neck and shoulders, his hands trailing lightly down the length of Ianto's torso.
Feeling his body begin to respond, and relieved that his earlier reticence had passed, Ianto inhaled deeply, drawing in Jack's scent. His eyes drifted closed, and Jack nudged him forward again, resuming work on his shoulders. Without the impediment of his shirt the experience immediately became more sensual and intense, and he groaned again as Jack worked at the tight knots just below his shoulder blades.
Keeping his memories of the last two days pushed to the back of his mind, Ianto began to relax under Jack's adept, persistent ministrations. Focusing on the feel of Jack's hands pressing into his flesh, his thoughts drifted into a welcome, indistinct blur, and it wasn't very long before he was almost purring with contentment. Jack murmured approvingly and wrapped his arms around Ianto's chest, pulling him close. His eyes still closed, Ianto leaned his head back against Jack's shoulder and was rewarded with a light kiss to the corner of his mouth.
Jack's hands moved downwards and Ianto's eyes shot open as the insistent fingers deftly unbuckled his belt and began unfastening his trousers. "Jack," he protested, beginning to pull away. "I'm not really in the mood..."
"Shhh," Jack whispered, one hand over Ianto's crotch while the other stroked his stomach. "It'll help you to relax. You're always taking such good care of me. Let me take care of you for a change."
Ianto hesitated, knowing it probably wasn't wise to continue, but realising his body had other ideas entirely. He'd missed Jack's touch too much to deny himself. With a tremulous sigh, he rested back against the other man. "Okay."
Jack finished unzipping Ianto's trousers and he obligingly lifted his hips, allowing Jack to push the garment out of the way. His eyes fluttered closed as Jack's hand slid beneath his underwear and began gently fondling him. Already aroused and semi-erect, he responded rapidly to the exploratory touch, moaning appreciatively when Jack pushed his underwear down and began stroking him properly, albeit with almost tortuous slowness.
"I take it you don't want me to stop then?" Jack asked, chuckling softly in his ear, his other arm wrapping around Ianto's chest and holding him close.
Ianto moaned again as Jack's thumb teased his right nipple, the languid movements of Jack's other hand not faltering in their long, sensuous strokes. "I'll have you on decaf for a week and reinstate your diet if you do," he murmured.
Jack mock gasped. "You wouldn't dare."
"Are you sure about that, sir?" Ianto asked wryly, a free and genuine smile forming on his lips for the first time since his return.
"Hmm, maybe not." Jack pressed tender kisses to Ianto's neck and shoulder. "But I have no intention of stopping so I guess we'll never know."
"Probably for the best," Ianto agreed, whimpering needfully as Jack gave a gentle tug while sucking on the sensitive skin just below his ear.
With his eyes still closed, he drifted into a euphoric haze as pleasure suffused his body. Time seemed to shift and stretch as Jack continued to tenderly stroke, caress and kiss him. It still astonished him that, despite Jack's bravado and often cavalier nature, he could be so gentle and attentive. He found himself trying to prolong the experience, wanting to stay in that moment with the two of them in the here and now, where nothing else mattered. It was a wonderfully seductive delusion and he was in no hurry for it to end.
With a shudder and a soft gasp he finally climaxed, throbbing in Jack's hand as his hot release splattered over his warm flesh. "You're so beautiful, Ianto," he heard Jack murmur, continuing to stroke him until he was completely spent. Jack's mouth moved along his jawline and he tilted his head upwards, their lips meeting in a deep, lingering kiss.
"Okay?" Jack whispered, kissing his cheek, then resting his chin on Ianto's shoulder.
"Yeah," Ianto murmured drowsily. "Um, do you want me to..."
"I'm fine," Jack said softly. "Just relax, okay?"
Ianto nodded in reply, feeling more relaxed than he would have thought possible under the circumstances. As always, the rush of post-coital endorphins and Jack's intoxicating presence proved to be a potent and overwhelming combination. He was vaguely aware of the soft cotton of Jack's t-shirt wiping him clean, then being tucked back into his underwear and trousers. Jack's arms wrapped around him, and he simply curled up against the other man, not yet ready for reality to intrude once again.
Warm lips brushed lightly against his forehead, and without a further conscious thought, he drifted to sleep.
###
Ianto woke in near darkness, a bleary glance at the bedside clock revealing the time to be just after four in the morning. Rubbing at his eyes and feeling mildly disoriented, he found he had no clear recollection of how he'd ended up naked and tucked under the covers of his bed, with a lightly snoring Jack curled up beside him. Concluding that he'd been more tired than he'd thought, he was both touched and mortified to realise what must have happened after he dozed off in Jack's arms.
Propping himself up on one elbow, he studied the other man's relaxed features, cast in dark shadows in the dim light. Jack looked so peaceful in slumber, and even more breathtakingly handsome, if that was possible. He spent several minutes simply watching Jack sleep, his mind running the gamut of his confused, conflicted emotions.
Jack's eyes moved behind his eyelids and he tried to imagine what Jack might possibly dream about... the things he'd seen... the lives he'd lived... the people he'd loved. He wondered if Jack ever dreamt about him... if he ever dreamt of a different life for the two of them.
He loved Jack, differently and more intensely than he'd loved Lisa, and he'd loved her deeply. Seeing Lisa again had only confirmed where his heart now belonged, and he could no longer deny that he was in love with this captivating, astonishing, unfathomable man. Jack was a part of him now, a profound and fundamental part, and he couldn't imagine that ever changing, or wanting it to ever change.
The fact that Jack was a man didn't even register any longer. He didn't care about that, although he was aware that he had yet to face the ramifications of being in a same-sex relationship in the real world. He wondered if that might change eventually, given that things were different now. If Yvonne Hartman found out about them, she would likely disapprove and be suspicious, but there was nothing she could actually do about it.
Unlike Jack, Lisa had been easy to love, and he'd been able to imagine a future with her. They were almost the same age, Lisa just one year older, both with a similar amount of life experience, and they could have grown old together. Whereas Jack had already lived the equivalent of two entire lifetimes before Ianto had met him. Jack didn't age, it was possible he'd never grow old, whereas Ianto grew a little older every day. If they stayed together long enough, he'd eventually look older than Jack, and Jack would probably abandon him at some point, leaving him to grow old alone. Assuming Torchwood didn't kill him first, of course.
He knew he'd never have a normal life with Jack, and although being with Jack was worth the sacrifice, he wasn't sure if he could live with the relentless uncertainty. Eventually he'd need Jack's love and trust in return, but he wasn't sure if he'd ever receive them. He didn't know if he'd ever feel truly secure about his place in Jack's life. Jack could live for hundreds or thousands of years, or even more – for all they knew, Jack could be truly immortal and destined to live forever. He could devote his lifetime to Jack, whereas for Jack, he'd be little more than a blink of the eye. A thousand years from now, Jack might not even remember him. The inescapable reality was that he'd never hold the significance in Jack's life that Jack would hold in his.
Amidst all his myriad doubts and insecurities, he thought about the previous evening and how Jack had cared for him in a way no one else ever had before. It had been unexpected and it had touched him deeply, even more so that Jack hadn't asked for, or seemed to want anything in return. As much as he enjoyed looking after Jack, and he did it without any expectations, it was nice to know it wasn't one-sided.
They needed each other, of that at least he was certain, and while Jack was still a stranger to him in many ways, it seemed pointless to dwell on how little he actually knew about the other man. He was still hurt by Jack's choice not to confide in him about the Doctor, and he didn't think he was willing to let that go, but he wasn't sure how to broach the subject either. Besides, he wasn't naïve enough to think it would be the last time some part of Jack's past was revealed in a startling and disconcerting manner. Jack's formidable past might always be largely unknown to him, and he wondered if perhaps it was better that way. Trust went both ways, and maybe he needed to trust that Jack had his reasons for not telling him about his past. Perhaps the pain of countless losses forced Jack to bury his memories in order to retain his sanity. And perhaps someday he'd just be one more of Jack's distant, repressed memories; merely a dim recollection in a rolling sea of pain and despair. It was a sobering and disheartening thought.
Leaning down and brushing a feather-light kiss to Jack's bare shoulder, he carefully slid out from under the bed covers. After managing to silently retrieve a pair of pyjama bottoms, he pulled them on and padded out of the room. Filling a glass from the kitchen tap, he gulped down the water and retreated to the sofa, still lost in his dysphoric ruminations.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there in the semi-darkened room when he heard movement from the bedroom and Jack wandered out, yawning widely and clad only in a pair of Ianto's tracksuit bottoms. Although he'd recently established a collection of casual clothes for Jack to wear when spending time at the apartment, the older man invariably chose to appropriate some of Ianto's clothing from time to time. He suspected it was some odd fetish of Jack's, but he didn't really mind. It was almost endearing in a strange kind of way.
Jack collapsed next to him on the sofa and placed a warm hand on his back, rubbing gently. "You okay?" he asked, peering at him blearily.
Ianto nodded and leaned into Jack, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "Yeah. Thanks for, uh... for getting me to bed last night."
Jack kissed his cheek. "You were exhausted. By the way, you're heavier than you look." He chuckled softly. "Maybe I should be putting you on a diet."
"Are you calling me fat?" Ianto demanded indignantly, knowing Jack was just teasing him, but pulling back and glaring at him anyway.
Jack just laughed and rubbed Ianto's stomach playfully. "Not fat... just... cuddly." He grinned mischievously. "I like cuddly."
Ianto huffed and Jack just laughed again, pulling him into a leisurely kiss and effectively blocking off any retort he might have otherwise unleashed. "I could still put you on decaf you know," he murmured petulantly, pressing his face against the firm flesh of Jack's chest.
"Then you'd have to deal with a caffeine deprived Captain," Jack declared smugly. "Sure you can handle that?
"Heaven forbid," Ianto muttered, causing Jack to chuckle again. With their arms wrapped around each other, they sat in silence for a minute or two, the room eerily quiet except for the steady sounds of their breathing.
"I saw Lisa while I was in London," Ianto blurted out suddenly, the words spilling from his mouth before he'd consciously thought about it.
"I wondered if you had," Jack said quietly. "How did that go?"
Ianto pulled back and rubbed his hand over his face, scratching distractedly at the stubbled skin. "It was awkward," he replied, not meeting Jack's eyes. "Could have been worse though. She apologised for hurting me. I told her I'd moved on, that there was someone else now. She seemed a bit surprised." He shrugged his shoulders. "But I think she was happy for me."
"Well, that's good. She could hardly expect you not to move on with your life." Jack paused, causing Ianto to look up at him. "Did you tell her about me?" he asked curiously.
Ianto shook his head. "I wanted to, but I couldn't risk anything getting back to Hartman. Lisa's a bit of a gossip." He searched Jack's eyes, wondering if he was disappointed, although they'd both understood the need for secrecy. "Sorry," he added.
"It's fine." Jack wrapped his arm around Ianto's shoulders and pulled him close again. "I bet the look on her face would have been priceless though."
Ianto half-laughed. "Hmm. I would have liked to see that too."
"Do you still love her?" Jack asked, his voice uncharacteristically tentative.
"No," Ianto replied, surprised by the sudden and unexpected question. "At least not the way I did. It was weird... to see her again and not have those feelings anymore. It was a relief but it was sad too. She was the first person I'd ever truly loved."
Jack nodded. "It's never easy to let go and move on."
There was a sorrowful wistfulness in Jack's voice and Ianto wondered how many people Jack had left behind in his long life... how many hearts he may have broken along the way. He tried not to think that someday he'd likely become one of them. "No, I don't suppose it is," he agreed. "But maybe some things just aren't meant to be."
Jack reached for his hand and grasped it tightly. "I hate that she hurt you, but her breaking up with you helped bring you to me. I can't help but feel grateful to her for that. I know that's selfish..."
"No, it's not." Ianto squeezed Jack's hand. "I'm grateful to her as well. Me and Lisa wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I know that now."
"So, you're really okay?" Jack asked, looking at him earnestly.
"I'm fine," Ianto assured him.
Jack leaned in closer and kissed him softly, a warm smile gracing his lips as he pulled away. "Feel like coming back to bed with me for a while?"
Ianto nodded, smiling in return and allowing Jack to tug him to his feet. Hand-in-hand, they retreated to the bedroom and Ianto was soon asleep in Jack's arms once more.