[I'm back! School is winding down, and so I find myself with a bit of free time. Time to ruin all your lives! MOFFAT TIME! HAHAHAHA!]
[Disclaimer: I am not Steven Moffat.]
Alan sat in his recliner, watching old episodes of childhood cartoons. "Hahaha! Oh, Ed. What is it with you and buttered toast?" He chuckled to himself. He decided to take a day off, and was entertaining the thought of returning to work for Princess Bubblegum.
Finn was hard at work, investigating and training. He knew that anyone who could kill Billy was powerful, indeed, and he needed to be his best in case he found the murderer. He held his blade, waiting for his opponent, a very territorial Lionraptor, to make the first strike. The great bird, its feathery mane ruffling in agitation, stood tall as a house, squawking and clawing the ground. It charged, screeching furiously. Finn leaped to the left, striking at the bird's feet. It howled in pain, blood streamin from its right claw. It took to the air, before diving in to gore Finn with its jagged beak. Finn jumped before the attack landed, lodging the bird's beak in the rocky ground. Finn landed on the bird's head sword-first, impaling its skull and killing it immediately. He stepped down and surveyed his kill. "Dude. That was math!"
Jake climbed the rocky crag, having lagged behind Finn for most of the morning. "Dude, you gotta wait, man! I had a big breakfast."
"Sorry man! This big bird thing wasn't gonna wait!"
"Fine. Whatever," Jake grumbled. "I remembered the map."
Jake flattened his hand into a sheet, and raised markings on it which showed a map of a cave system, namely, the one the lionraptor once guarded. "The secret entrance to Billy's place is right here," Jake said, pointing to an "X" on the map hand. "If we wanna get there by this afternoon, we need to get going."
Finn shrugged, retrieved his sword, and then entered the cave alongside Jake.
Bubblegum sat in her throne, awaiting an important message. Finally, it arrived, in the form of a meek-looking Goblin carrying a scroll. "Hear ye, hear ye," He said in a surprisingly booming voice, "I bear a message from the Goblin Kingdom!" Bubblegum stood, walked up to the Goblin, and held out her hand, waiting for the courier to hand her the scroll. Instead, he read aloud from it.
"Hear the words of this humble courier, for I bear words better than I! The Exalted Prince Jareth Pendragon, first child of the late King Adric of Aragorn, who was deposed by Xergiok the Usurper in the Second Year of Wicked Troubles, the Prince and eventual King of all he surveys, the chosen of Grob, Gob, Grod, and Glob, wishes to ask her Highness, the Rose Lady Princess, Ruler of the Saccharine Realms, Benevolant Mistress of Sugar and Candy, and Crystalline Sun of the Candy Kingdom, for her hand in marriage! What sayest thou, your highness?"
"Huh? What was...Oh! Oh," Bubblegum had to sort out that sentence for a bit before she realized this was the Goblin Prince's pretentious way of proposing marriage. Bubblegum was waiting all morning for this.
"Well, Mistress? I'm tipped based on speed," the messenger spoke plainly.
"Tell him that I accept," Bubblegum said, giving the courier a few silvers as a tip. She didn't look happy, so much as relieved.
Meanwhile, on the outskirts of the Mountain Kingdom, Alan had just been joined by Galatea on his cartoon binge. Alan's hair stood up on end, quite a feat, considering how copious and tangled it was.
"What's wrong, daddy?" Galatea turned and asked over Tom and Jerry's wacky antics.
"I...I don't know. I feel a disturbance. I need to go."
"But, I don't wanna be alone! I've never been alone!"
"Go find Marceline. Tell her I sent you."
Alan then waved his hands, which called forth a flying throw pillow (we can't all afford Persian carpets, you know).
Finn and Jake crept through the chambers above Billy's home. They would have entered through the front, but there was the possibility that something could be lying in wait there. The room was dark, save for a small lantern tied to Jake's head. They heard a grumbling coming from a nearby corner. Jake twisted around, shining a light on the source of the noise. There stood a tall, darkly-colored humanoid, with glowing violet eyes. It simply stood, silently screaming at Jake. Jake turned to Finn and tugged on his sleeve. In the moment when Jake turned, it disappeared. "What's up Jake?"
Jake was flabbergasted. "It's gone! It was right here!"
"What, man?"
"A tall guy, with glowing eyes! He was just staring at me, but when I looked away it-Argh!" Jake grunted, as the creature hissed and clawed at his back. Finn turned and swung at it, but his blade hit only air. Jake stood up and turned to see the creature standing behind Finn, holding a large, roughly square hunk of rock. Jake immediately stretch-punched it, knocking it over. Finn turned around and started kicking it. It moaned an almost metallic moan, as the life slowing spiled out of it onto the ground. It lay there, broken, on the floor.
"What was that, Jake?"
"I dunno, man. But whatever it was, it's dead."
The dynamic duo continued slowly down into the tunnels, crushing occasional monsters along the way. The creatures became more and more deadly as they progressed, from mundane golems and undead, to more exotic creatures such as Kappa. They finally made their way to the chamber directly above that of Billy's place. "Alright Jake, you know what to do," Finn said, marking an "X" in the dirt. Jake nodded and turned his hand into a drill, twisted his arm, and then let it spin, grinding into the stone floor. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" He whispered, as he could still feel his hand.
Bubblegum was being fitted with a white dress while Jareth watched. He had paid a wizard to teleport him to Bubblegum's castle the moment he heard what he though of as good news. "Excellent," He commented, while the seamsters, seamstresses, and tailors were hard at work, "But do you suppose we could cut the back just a tinge lower?"
"This is a wedding dress, Jareth," Bubblegum grunted as the laces in her corset were tightened.
"No, not completely backless, Bonnie, just showing a bit more of your back."
"Jareth, we need this to be as official as possible. There can be no question to the legitimacy of this marriage," Bubblegum turned and said the Jareth, scowling, "And my name is Bonnibel."
Jareth shrugged and leaned back in his chair, placing his feet on a nearby ottoman. "Fine, fine, fine. Alright. If that's what you prefer. You know, the way you talk about this, it's almost like it's not legitimate." Jareth smirked as he said this, leafing through a nearby magazine.
At this moment, Alan flew in the window, dangling awkwardly from his throw pillow. "Bubblegum! I felt a disturbance in the Schwartz! Are you-" Alan stopped when his brain finally clicked things into place. He continued, "...Are you alright?"
"Oh! Uh, Alan, yes, I'm quite fine! I'm just here for a fitting," PB subtly nodded toward Jareth, who had been heretofore unnoticed by Alan.
"Oh. Oh... OH!" Alan turned and gave a mock salute to Jareth. Be civil, Alan. Now's not the time yet, Alan thought to himself, as the pillowed slowly drifted downward.
Galatea roamed the Mountain Kingdom, trying to figure out where Marceline's place was, as she had never actually been there. Oops. She actually got so turned around that she strayed into a forest, where it was dark. Very dark. She skipped along gleefully, singing along with the trees around her, whose leaves always sang on warm days. She turned for a moment, and found herself facing a tall, skinny woman, made of wood like her. "Oh, hello! can you point me to Marceline's house, miss?"
The woman just stood there, gazing into the distance. Galatea walked around her, surveying her. Upon closer inspection, she was not just skinny. She was emaciated. She touched the woman, and her bark was cold. She fell over like a twig blown by the wind. Galatea had never seen death until today. She looked around, and saw many more such figures, some living, some dead, but all emaciated. The living ones shrank back into their hiding spots, as the song of the leaves grew discordant, a chill wind blowing through the forest. Gally heard a voice, a woman's voice, floating dreamily through the discord, calling out to her. It was a wordless song, but the entrancing notes held some secret meaning she could not discern. She walked slowly toward the voice, and then everything went dark.
Jake had, after three hours of methodical grinding, worn a small hole in the floor. He and Finn peered through it, seeing mostly darkness. A narrow line of light poured in from the entryway, which suddenly widened as somebody entered. It was a humanoid figure, not like the strange one they encountered earlier, but more natural in shape. It was whistling as it begin to sift through the piles of treasure in the room. Finn immediately smashed the hole, making it large enough to jump through, before dropping in and training his sword on the intruder. Jake stretched down behind him, shouting, "FREEZE, SUCKA!"
The creature turned out to be a young man, with light skin, red hair, and pale blue eyes. he held up his hands, dropping the empty bag he carried. "Hold on, now," he said cautiously, "I don't want trouble. You guys can take whatever you want. I'll stay out of your way, okay?"
"What are you doing in Billy's house?" Finn asked, not lowering his sword.
"Well, I had hit hard times, and learned there was a store of treasure here," the man cautiously edged to the side.
"This is Billy's house. Leave," Finn was very angry now.
"Fine, you leave me with no choice!" The man's hands fizzled with energy.
"So what bring you here, mister Sanders?" Jareth asked, pouring himself some tea.
"Oh nothing. I simply wished to congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials," Alan said between bites of a muffin.
Bubblegum crossed her arms in frustration. She just knew Alan was going to find a way to screw with this. She just didn't know how or when. So she proceeded to have a nonverbal conversation with him while Jareth chattered on about his favorite subject, himself.
Alan! What are you doing here!? Her glare conveyed.
Alan glanced back and shrugged, Nothing, nothing. Just stopping by, saying 'Hi!', gotta fly, apple pie.
Bubblegum scowled, Now we both know that's a load of shullbit. What are you up to?
Nothing! Jeez, you're paranoid! Alan's eyes got big for a moment before he rolled them.
Fine, PB Rolled her eyes, but if you try something, I'll demote your arms and legs to separate offices from you.
"Demote my what now?" Alan couldn't quite get the subtl body language behind Bubblegum's message.
"Hm?" Jareth said, returning to the world outside himself.
"Oh, uh, nothing," Alan waved Jareth off, "Anyway, any chance I could come back to working for you, Peebles? The Sci-fi novels aren't really bringing in much money."
"Working for you? I was unaware that you two knew each other," Jareth raised his eyebrow, "I assumed he was just some freelance agent."
"Nope. I was previously her, oh what was it, the 'Chief Minister of Arcane Studies and Advisement', or some such," Alan replied.
"Well, I hope you aren't advising against our union," Bubblegum warned.
"No, no, if it's what you like, you can do whatever you want," Alan said, sounding exactly like a passive-agressive old Jewish lady.
Oh well. Even with the heretic here, Jareth thought to himself, the plan will proceed.
Finn evaded a spark that the intruder lobbed at him. He then charged, shouting along the way. The man quickly raised a knife, made of a gleaming, onyx-like material, to parry. He riposted, narrowly nicking Finn's cheek. Jake stretched his body, propelling himself into the robber's legs. This man's reflexes were uncanny, as he side-stepped at the perfect moment. "Who are you!?" Finn demanded, attempting to knock his opponent's blade from his hand.
"You may call me Mertens!" The intruder shouted back, evading the disarm attempt and slashing at Finn, only succeeding in slicing the strap of his pack.
"Oh, yeah? How 'bout JERKENS!?" Jake grunted, landing a solid stretch-headbutt on Mertens, and sending him flying into the cave wall.
Finn and Jake thought they had defeated him, based on the man-shaped hole in the wall, but they were proven wrong when he stepped out of the hole. "Wow, that's the first time in a long time that that's happened!" Finn and Jake stepped back and discussed their strategy while Mertens dusted himself off.
"Okay, dude, you distract him, I'll go in for the win," Jake whispered.
"Wait, I distract things all the time!" Finn protested.
"Okay, fine. I'll distract him," Jake grunted.
"No, I should distract him!" Mertens interjected.
"Good call. Okay, so Mertens will...Uh..." Finn trailed off before he and Jake were propelled into a pile of treasure in a burst of lightning.
Jake then sprung into action, blowing a raspberry and shouting, "Hey nerd! I heard your compiler's off by one!"
"Huh?" Mertens turned, not because he fell for it, but because that's just a weird insult. It was at this moment that Finn leaped on him, punching and kicking him hard. the two grappled for a moment before Mertens realized he'd be no good in this fight. He shouted a few gibberish syllables before disappearing.
"Whew, what a fight!" Finn said, wiping a bad of blood from his lip.
"I know, man! Let's get some root beers," Jake replied, heading for the entryway.
"Alright man. Hey, he left his knife!" Finn followed, picking up Merten's knife on the way out. Something bugged him about the assailant, and his name, but he shook it off.
Alan was regaling Jareth and Princess Bubblegum with quirky tale from his childhood, Jean Shepherd style, when he sat ramrod-straight. "Alan?" Bubblegum waved her hand in front of his face. "Alan, are ya still there?"
"Does he do this normally?" Jareth asked.
"Not really. He's usually fairly anim-" Bubblegum was cut off by Alan flashing out of existence.
"Well. That solved that. Now, on the subject of guests. I want your half of the list," Jareth held out his hands.
"Alright, here," PB grunted, handing him a scroll.
"Hm. Pen," He snapped, as a nearby servant fumbled for a pen in his pocket. The butler handed it to PB. Jareth began hastily scribbling on the paper, murmuring, and occasionally frowning. He handed the list back to Bubblegum.
"But...I-You crossed out the entire list!" the Princess irked.
"I know. You, for some reason, associate yourself with all sorts of rabble. I refuse to have such boorish guests. You may invite only those bearing titles."
"Fine. I'll bring Finn, Jake, and Marceline," PB said, realizing she'd get nowhere arguing.
"Wait, I suppose I understand Marceline's...questionable title, but the boy and the dog aren't nobles!" Jareth protested.
"I knighted them. Ergo, they are considered nobility," Bubblegum smirked.
Alan found himself sitting on a tree stump, frozen momentarily. He snapped out of it, and realized what happened. A spell he hoped would never be used had been activated, a contingency that would alert him if Galatea was in danger.
"No," Alan said, dreading what he saw. Before him was a forest, utterly dead and petrified.
"No!" He rifled through the dusty underbrush in a panic.
"NO!" Alan screamed as he ran through the forest, searching. He tripped and fell. He righted himself and sat on his knees, panting in terror and anguish.
"NO!" He shouted, as the forest fell before waves of magic flowing from his untempered emotions. Tears streamed from his cheeks. He jumped when he felt Galatea's hand on his shoulder.
"Gah! Buh-Dah-Muh-Feh-Nyuh-Guh...Gally!" Alan sputtered, drying his tears.
"Hi Daddy! Why so explode-y? That time of th-"
"Don't finish that sentence, Gally. Where were you?" Alan chuckled, turning to see Bellicent standing next to her.
"That's a bit on me, actually. I was calling out to nature spirits in this area. She must have gotten the signal," Bellicent said apologetically.
"Yeah, Dad. Miss Bellicent says that something called a Bite-Lord killed this forest," Galatea added.
"You mean a Blightlord," Alan and Bellicent both corrected. Alan continued, "Okay, well, as long as you're alright. I'm gonna teleport you to Marceline's. Just, please don't scare me like that again."
Alan muttered a few incantations, and Galatea disappeared. He turned to Bellicent and said, "I wish you luck in your investigation, but I have...stuff...to attend to."
As Alan walked away, Mertens cautiously emerged from the dead foliage. "Does he suspect anything Mistress?" He whispered.
"No. He's clueless. You're missing a knife," Bellicent murmured.
"The brat and his dog took it."
"Fine. Just remember," Bellicent's voice gained traces of venom, "That knives aren't the only things I can afford to throw away.
Mertens nodded and bowed, before stealing away.