Sleepless Night (Damon)

Half Life - Duncan Sheik

It's one of those moments
When everything is so clear
Before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
I keep trying to understand
This thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
When I figure it out

'cause lately something here don't feel right
This is just a half-life,
Without you I am breaking down
Wake me, I wanna see the daylight
Save me from this half-life

C'mon lets fall in love ...

I was standing on the balcony, my arms supported on the balustrade and starred into the endless darkness. Megan was lying in my bed, sleeping. I had compelled her to stay one more night in Mystic Falls but somehow it just feels … wrong. Everything that yesterday had felt so right feels totally wrong now.

I could slap myself! I had promised myself not to give her the force to hurt me anymore … to protect myself. I had promised myself to be the old Damon again … and what happens? As harder I try to be the mean, arrogant, selfish person I used to be, the more I become exactly the opposite …

I'm such an idiot! Idiot! Idiot! The whole time I had been listening to their fight in the cellar, I had thought it would be perfect. Finally they would break up and I wouldn't have to stand the two lovebirds anymore! And already while having had these thoughts, I had known that I was lying to myself. What would it change if they break up? Elena would come running into my arms and I would calm her? Don't be stupid, Damon! It will never be you! Never! She made that very clear.

And actually … what could I offer her? She deserves something better. Someone better. Someone who is capable to love her the way she deserves it, to show her how beautiful, how special, how amazing she is. Someone she can trust, who is there for her whenever she needs him, someone who would die for her. She needs Stefan. And not me, a selfish man who lies, who manipulates people, who uses them for his purposes, who betrays them, who thinks only about himself, who kills people and who is not worth of the slightest trust …

And in that moment I realized something. I realized that I wasn't the person anymore I was just thinking about. I know that I'm way beyond being such a perfect person as Stefan is but nevertheless … nevertheless I … I had changed. SHE had changed me. And that is the reason why I just can't be as bad, as cold, as selfish as I used to be anymore … because she showed me that there was a different … a better side of me.

Today I had been everything but selfish. I had saved Liz. I had promised to help her. In the past I would just have killed her! I wouldn't have thought about it – not even a second. A danger – eradicate it! But when I had seen Caroline sitting there; desperately trying to convince her mother not to tell anyone; and when I think of what Liz and I had managed to do together; all the evil we killed together; while she didn't even know that I belonged to the demons she was trying to get rid of … you can really say she became my friend in a way …

And then Elena … and Stefan. I had helped them fix their relationship! And why had I done that? Because I had known that I wouldn't have been able to stand it. I wouldn't have been able to stand the sadness in her eyes. I hadn't cared about how I felt, I still don't care. I can be … alone; as long as she is happy.

And my brother … I hadn't done it because I didn't want to endure their suffering. I want both of them to be happy. I want my brother to be happy. Because he deserves her. Because he loves her. And as long as she is happy, I'm happy, too. Even if it hurts.

And today she had given me the most wonderful reward for being so selfless. She had smiled at me. Her wonderful smile . Without hatred. Without anger. And all I see now when I stare into the darkness is this smile; and I know that I did the right thing …

I had promised myself that night when we had had the fight and she had told me I had lost her forever that I don't need her anymore, that I can live without her; but that was a lie. I need her more than any other person on this earth. I had become a totally different person with her help and I didn't even recognize it myself. She makes me kind of … complete. And I care about her a lot more than I want to admit …

And in this moment I made a decision. She can go on hating me as much as she wants; I will protect her with my life; I will keep her save.

I looked up to the moon and smiled, thinking that she might do exactly the same in this moment, sitting on her window board with her diary on her legs writing about what has happened today, writing about Caroline and Liz, about our werewolf problem, about Katherine, about Stefan … and maybe, maybe she even writes about me …

I turned around and closed the balcony doors behind me. Then I woke Megan up and told her to leave town immediately.