CHAPTER 25 – First Signs
Kids…have I thanked you enough? I know it must be difficult to "enjoy" a story written in script-format so I really want to thank you so much for loving this despite it being something extremely different than what you're accustomed to reading. Just…thank you so, so much. And I hope you'll like this latest update as well.
the year 2030
(The living-room. Penny and Luke are sitting at the couch listening to their father.)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, your mother and I aren't the most religious people in the world. But a little over 4 years ago, we decided we were going to have our first communion in the family. Because we wanted our kids to be religious.
2026
(Ted and Tracy are in the living-room arguing, while Luke is sleeping on the couch behind them and Penny is playing on a tablet on the floor.)
Ted: Do we really have to do this whole first-communion thing?
Tracy: Hey! C'mon, we promised my mother we were gonna…you know, try and be more religious. If not for us, for them. (points at the kids)
Ted: You haven't been to a church in like 5 years.
Tracy: (giggles, points back at forth at herself and him) Are we…really gonna do this right now? Argue about who's been going to church less?
Ted: It just feels like something we're forcing on Luke, especially since Penny didn't have it. What if he wants to be an Atheist or something?
Tracy: And I'm not saying that'd be wrong but at age 8, he probably doesn't even know what that means! So it's our responsibility to teach him about everything.
Ted: A First Communion feels like forcing him to choose though.
Tracy: (madly) Oh my god!
Ted: (points at her) Aha! What if he doesn't wanna believe in God?
Tracy: (rolls up her sleeves) You better believe I can kick your ass if you don't stop crapping all over everything I say.
Ted: (steps back, smiling at her) You look so hot when you're angry.
Tracy: (chuckling involuntarily) This is not funny. You know how much I hate talking about this, especially after growing up with the kind of parents I had.
(Freeze Frame)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, your mother always told me her parents were big believers. For Halloween, all the kids in her neighborhood would be dressed as Cinderella or Man With Axe In Head or something. But not your mother.
Halloween 1990
(6 year-old Tracy is knocking on a door, looking a little dejected and dressed in a Virgin Mary white-and-blue costume.)
Tracy: (less than upbeat tone) Trick or treat.
Future Ted (VO): No. Your mother was either Virgin Mary…
Halloween 1993
(9 year-old Tracy is knocking on a door, now in a nun costume.)
Future Ted (VO): A little child dressed as a nun…
Halloween 1995
(11 year-old Tracy is knocking on a door, now in a Jesus costume.)
Future Ted (VO): …or a girl in a Jesus costume.
Tracy: (dejected, very slowly) Trick..or..treat.
(Back to present-time, Ted and Tracy in the living-room in 2019.)
Tracy: It wasn't the best holiday for me. I would literally be nervous just months ahead of Halloween, sitting in my room afraid of what they might ask me to wear that year. It was horrible but it did teach me about religion a lot, and how little it has to do with the kind of life I want to live. I'm a believer, yes call me silly, but trust me—this had nothing to do with my parents' pressure. And, I mean, with everything that's been going on with Robin lately—with the cancer coming back and everything, how can you not have faith?
Ted: (sighs) Okay, okay, fine. I give up. I just don't think religion is that important, especially not in 2026. Wasn't it like 10-11 years ago when the world went crazy over the #JeSuisCharlie thing in Paris…because of religion? And on another note, I don't suppose you still have that sexy nun costume lying around in the closet, do you?
Tracy: I was 9, it wasn't sexy.
(Ted approaches her and starts kissing her)
Ted: Puberty hadn't kicked in yet?
Tracy: No I was actually an early bloomer. I had 3 boyfriends that year.
Ted: (dumbfounded) I thought you had a terrible childhood.
Tracy: (chuckling, sniffs) Pfft, I had a great childhood, bro.
Ted: What?
Tracy: I'm sorry, are you shocked that I had a great childhood or are you just mad?
(Pause)
Ted: I feel like this is a trick question, can I get a third option? (Tracy just keeps looking at him, expressionless) Shocked! No, mad! No, shock—Wait! Ahh!
(Doorbell rings)
Tracy: That's probably my parents. Answer it, I'll go put on my cross.
(They both laugh and go their separate ways)
(As Ted is opening the door to Tracy's parents, Tracy's phone rings.)
(She looks at the caller ID surprised and answers)
Tracy: Kelly?
(Freeze Frame)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, you remember Kelly, your mother's friend and ex-roommate.
2008
(from the season 9 episode "How Your Mother Met Me", Tracy and Kelly are in their apartment on St. Patrick's Day.)
Kelly: It's St. Patrick's Day! The holiday of my people.
Tracy: You're not Irish.
Kelly: Binge-drinkers!
Future Ted (VO): Your dad wasn't a big fan of her. See, she sorta disappeared from your mother's life like some kind of a background character on a TV show and only returned when she really needed something.
(Back to present-time with Tracy sitting next to Kelly in MacLarens at the bar.)
Tracy: So what do you want?
Kelly: (chuckles) Hey, come on! That's mean, what happened to you?
Tracy: I'm sorry, my parents are in town and I left them with Ted and the kids, and we're having a First Communion for Luke in a couple o' hours. Luke is my son, by the way. I'm just in a bit of a hurry.
Kelly: Ted still doesn't like me, huh?
Tracy: (in a squeaking high-pitched voice) Whaaatt, he likes you—Ted totally likes you! In fact, I think he probably likes you even more than me! Haha, am I babbling too much?
Kelly: (smiling) I really miss you, Trace.
Tracy: I miss you too. It's…been a while. What you up to?
Kelly: Well…I'm still single, if that's what you mean.
Tracy: Pft, that's not what I—I mean, who cares if—but you are still single, huh?
(They both giggle)
Kelly: I'm sorry to call you at such an unfortunate time, it's just—I felt like I had to talk to you about something that happened a few weeks ago.
Tracy: Oh what's wrong?
Kelly: Remember how you told me that you and Ted met at a wedding?
Tracy: Yeah? It's hard to forget the time I told you how I met Ted. That was a long story, huh? (chuckles)
Kelly: (laughs) Yeah! Man, it went on for like half an hour or something.
Tracy: Sorry about that.
Kelly: Yeah so uh, anyway, remember you told me that it was his friend's wedding?
Tracy: Yeah, Robin and Barney.
Kelly: Barney…Stinson, right?
Tracy: Yyyes…and how do you know that?
Kelly: You're…not still friends with him, are you?
Tracy: Well I mean…(pauses) No, why?
Kelly: Really 'no' or you just sayin' that so I would tell you the story?
Tracy: (smiles) Both?
Kelly: (chuckles) We…met. Like, a long time ago. At that St. Patrick's Day party that we went to, like, forever ago. You remember? We were still roommates at the time and everything. (Tracy nods in agreement) And we had sex that night because I was gullible enough to believe that his penis grants wishes.
Tracy: (smiles) Yeah, that does sound like the old Barney.
Kelly: So anyway, we obviously never saw each other again or anything—I think he lost my number? (Tracy smiles at her and shakes her head) Whatever, anyway…well, I bumped into him again a couple of weeks ago.
Tracy: (surprised) Oh?
(Supermarket. Kelly is getting some chips and sees Barney in the same aisle, but he doesn't notice her yet.)
Kelly (VO): I was at the supermarket, just downtown, and he was there all alone. And he looked really weird and different.
Kelly: Oh my god, it's you!
(Barney looks at her then looks around to see if she's talking to someone else, obviously not recognizing her)
Kelly: Barney-something right?
Barney: Uhhh…yes?
Kelly: You don't remember me? 2008 St. Patrick's Day party? We hooked up…
Barney: Still not ringing any bells, sorry. Maybe you have me mixed up with someone else?
Kelly: I remembered your name and everything! Come on, how much of a pig can you possibly be if you don't even remember that we had sex? Or you think I've always looked this old?
Barney: Uhh look, sweetheart, I've had sex with a lot of women, some of them even lasted longer than this conversation.
Kelly: Anyway, it was just nice seeing you again. I'm a friend of Tracy's, by the way. If you remember her.
Barney: (looks in the air confused) No, I'm sorry. See? Confused with someone else. (starts to walk away)
Kelly: (following him) I heard you got married. Congratulations, I heard it was great.
Barney: Not married. Sorry to disappoint you.
Kelly: You're wearing a ring. Why are you trying to get rid of me? I just wanted to say hi, jeez. Just forget it. (walks away)
(Barney stares at his wedding ring for a second then follows Kelly)
Barney: Look, I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I just have a lot on my plate and I—I've been told that I forget people's faces…(looks at her chest) Or boobs, apparently.
Kelly: (chuckles) It's okay. I'm not that good with names. Barney, however, always just…rang a bell with me, always felt interesting, you know? That is not a name you forget.
Barney: (smiling) Obviously.
Kelly: So, what're you shoppin' for?
Barney: I honestly can't even remember anymore.
Kelly: (laughs) Oh come on, are you messing with me right now? What can you remember, old man?
Barney: I can remember how to be a gentleman and ask a lady out for a cup of coffee after being rude to her.
Kelly: (nodding) Hmm, that's very…tempting. But I think I'm in the mood for something a bit stronger. (smiles at him)
(Back to present-time at MacLarens with Tracy and Kelly at the bar.)
Tracy: (horrified) Oh my god, Kelly! (whispers) Did you have sex?
Kelly: Hey, don't judge me. He was flirting with me the entire time!
Tracy: He's married! And answer me, did you two sleep together?
Kelly: Look, it wasn't a big deal. We went to the other MacLarens, y'know…the one we used to go to a lot, we had a couple o' drinks and…we kinda made out a little in the bathrooms.
Tracy: (shocked) 'Kinda' and 'made out a little'? What the hell is wrong with you? How could you do this?
Kelly: Hey, I came here to tell you this because I felt bad when I found out his wife is dying of cancer or something.
Tracy: (grabs her purse, madly) Well thank you very much for being so honorable, Kelly. I can see why we stopped being friends a long time ago. (gets up) And she is not dying, please stop saying that. And I would really appreciate it if you kept this whole thing to yourself. (starts to walk away angrily then stops again and returns) And… pay the tab because I'm making a point by leaving angry. (walks out again)
(Church. Everyone is there to watch Luke's First Communion. Ted and Tracy are sitting in the front row obviously, with their friends just one row behind them.)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, it took your mother 1 hour and 22 minutes to tell me the secret that she was keeping. That was probably the longest time any of us had ever kept a secret from one another. And the fact that she told me, in church, during your First Communion, Luke—that's probably the first sign that we're not the biggest religious people in the world.
(Tracy whispers something into Ted's ears whose eyes open widely)
Ted: I told you I never liked that woman.
Tracy: (whispers) You should talk to him.
(Ted nods slowly then they both turn to Luke's communion again)
Future Ted (VO): And so I did talk to Barney later that night.
later that night
(Ted and Tracy's house. The friends and family are all there having drinks and eating cake while Ted joins Barney and Robin out on the patio.)
Ted: Heyyy guys, you havin' fun?
Robin: Yeah, I mean it's a kid's First Communion house party. So how fun can it be?
Ted: There are kids in the backyard falling off a trampoline.
Robin: I gotta go see this. (kisses Barney and leaves the patio, walking inside the house)
Ted: So…Barney.
Barney: Kids are all growin' up, huh?
Ted: Yeah. (looking down at his own drink) Wish I could say the same 'bout you.
Barney: (chuckles) What?
Ted: (looks straight at him) I know about you and Kelly.
Barney: Who the hell is Kelly?
Ted: Tracy's friend and old roommate, the girl you also slept with at that St. Patrick's Day party like 20 years ago.
Barney: Ummm…I remember getting laid 20 years ago but I have no idea—
Ted: (interrupts) Cut the crap, man. What the hell are you doing? (whispers) Look, I know it's been difficult this past year and things have been…weird and hard, but what do you think Robin's gonna do if she finds out you slept with another woman?
Barney: (surprised face) What? I—what?
Ted: What do you think she's gonna say if she sees the old Barney has resurfaced.
Barney: Okay, Ted, I have no idea what—
Ted: Come on, Barney. I'm your best friend and Kelly already told Tracy everything. You didn't do a great job hiding this one, did you?
Barney: Ted, I really have—(freezes all of a sudden when raising his drink and sees his ring)
(Ted looks back at him, confused and worried.)
Ted: Barney?
Barney: (looks up at him) Kelly…blonde, big boobs, right?
Ted: You've seen her boobs. Twice too, I don't know—yeah, they're big now. They're huge, man. You could take a nap on them.
(Barney takes a deep breath)
Ted: So…you're admitting this then? I was kinda hoping this would be a lie, that the woman is delusional or something.
Barney: (staring at Ted, serious tone) I had no idea, Ted.
Ted: (confused) What?
Barney: I have no idea who I am or—or who I was. She—she asked me…I remember her asking me about my ring. (points at his wedding ring, takes a deep breath) And-and—and I had no idea.
Ted: No idea about what? That—that you were married? Are you insane?
Barney: (taking heavy breaths very quickly) I don't know, I don't know. What's happening?
Ted: Barney, Barney, look at me. Hey! Look at me… What's my name?
Barney: You think I'm kidding—
Ted: No, what is my name?
Barney: (sighs) Ted.
Ted: And your name?
Barney: Barney.
Ted: What's your wife's name?
Barney: (sighs) Robin.
Ted: Then you are fine. You are doing what you always do. You're making excuses, you're being—you're being Barney! (chuckles) It's—it's ridiculous, really, that I almost fell for it. Haha, so ridiculous. So hilarious.
(Ted realizes Barney hasn't laughed or smiled with him)
Ted: Barney…
Barney: (sees Robin approaching the patio from inside) She's coming back…just don't say…anything. Don't mention Kelly.
Ted: Barney—
Barney: (interrupts) Shut up, Ted. (Robin walks out) Heeeyyy! Look who's here!
Robin: Stupid kids figured out how to use the trampoline, that's not fun anymore.
Barney: (laughing hysterically) Hahaha, that's…hilarious! Ahh, stupid kids. (has a gulp of his drink)
Robin: (to Barney) We should head home, yeah? I'm getting a little tired. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. (rests her head on Barney's chest, looking at Ted) Not because of the lame party. Because of the cancer, no offense.
Ted: (smiles at her) None taken until just now.
Robin: Good night, sweetie. (kisses Ted on the cheek)
Ted: Thanks, guys, for coming. (looks at Barney) We'll, uh, continue our conversation tomorrow?
Barney: We'll see.
Ted: No, we will.
Barney: (opens his eyes widely at Ted) I said we'll see.
Ted: We have to.
Robin: What conversation, why does this sound so serious?
Barney: No it's not.
Ted: Oh it's not. It's not. (chuckles) It's silly, actually. Barney wants to—I was uh… (clears throat) I'm trying to get Barney to teach me some of his magic tricks but he wouldn't budge. The asshole.
(Ted and Barney chuckle nervously)
Robin: Oh well don't expect him to reveal any secrets. He can't even remember half of them anymore. (chuckles) Alright let's go.
(Ted stares at Barney, worriedly, after Robin's final line and Barney looks back)
Robin: Bye, Ted!
Ted: (still staring at Barney, who is staring back fearfully, as he and Robin start to walk away) Bye…
Fade to black.
Had a whole other chapter written at first—mostly fun one, but I felt like I owed you a bit more 'story' than 'funny' after not updating for so long! Sorry about that. And I hope the wait was kinda worth it. I hope all the religious part in the beginning wasn't weird and unusual for this story. Please sound off below what you think, and I'm so SO thankful for all your incredible support. You guys are amazing.