This chapter is dedicated to all the parents with chronically ill children and their bravery. A task no one is ever "up to".

Chapter 25

Spencer felt like a kid. A kid that made a birthday present and couldn't wait for the parent to open it.

He and Bittsy had a surprise planned for Eleanor. They were both feeling well enough and everything was set. JJ was coming over to stay with them while Rossi and Emily were taking her out to dinner and a jazz club. After talking with the team, considering how close they had become with Eleanor and Bittsy, they were eager to help.

Later at a quiet jazz club:

They had eaten at a very nice restaurant and were now at the jazz club. It was the kind of club that the jazz was smooth and permeated the air, yet the volume allowed patrons to converse. As Emily and Eleanor sipped wine, Rossi sipped excellent scotch and they chatted about general things before the conversation steered back to Bittsy and Spencer.

"This is such a surprise. I haven't been away from Bittsy for two months. She and Spencer were so excited to surprise me. I'm glad to see them so animated." Eleanor smiled at Emily and Rossi.

"Well, we were more than happy to help when they asked. I can't think of anyone more deserving of a night to recharge." Emily smiled gently.

Eleanor looked down as her eyes suddenly filled with tears.

"What's wrong?" Emily put her hand on Eleanor's arm.

Eleanor still couldn't look up. "I am so grateful to you both and the two of them, but it's not selflessness like you think. I'm afraid to be away because I don't want to miss a moment, because what if I lose her? She's my world, especially since her dad died. So you see, it's not because I'm selfless, it's because I'm selfish. All I can think about is what will I do if her treatments don't work. She is everything to me and sometimes I think she's going through hell because I want her to live at all costs. I don't deserve anything at all."

"You see, that's where you're wrong. She is the world to you, but you're not forcing her to live for you. Do you want to know how I know that Eleanor?" Rossi asked.

"Yes. How do you know I'm not a monster?" She finally looked up, a single tear rolling down one cheek.

"Because you would die for her. You would give your life so that she could live and grow up, and you would die to ensure her happiness and health. If you could take this yourself you would. I know this. You love her more than your own life. You are every loving parent out there with the same dream for their child, but your circumstances are the worst kind. You're not forcing her to suffer; you're helping her fight for her life, so that one day, maybe when she's a mother, she can help her daughter reach her dreams. Eleanor, if you give up, so will she. You're not a monster; you're a mother and you're human."

Eleanor sniffed and wiped her eyes. "So much for an evening of pleasant conversation."

"This was never about the perfect evening or pleasant conversation; this is about you what you need. You spend every day taking care of your daughter, taking care of Spencer, what do you need, Eleanor?" Emily asked.

Surprisingly she laughed while wiping her eyes dry. "Spencer is the best thing that's happened to us. He's so kind to Bittsy; he's the brother she never had and the confidant she's needed. She trusts him to tell her the truth. He teaches her so much and yet, lets her be herself. You see, she's always been incredibly intelligent and other children and even teachers don't know how to deal with her. Then, since she's been sick, her experiences, her perceptions and mannerisms have set her apart even more. He knows how to talk with her, how to listen. He takes her seriously, but he also teases her, like a big brother, but doesn't belittle her when he does. He's polite and respectful to me, he sees when I need a moment and makes sure I have it. He always insists on paying for things and helps me clean up whenever he can. He and Bittsy do "chores" together and "cook" together for me. I don't take care of Spencer. I just help when he needs help, and when he can, he does the same. He's a good man and my daughter's BFF, and I don't think that'll change even when he's well." She paused briefly. "This last time when he was bleeding, I thought he was going to die and I was afraid. Afraid of what we would go through, afraid of what it would do to Bittsy especially."

"You and Bittsy mean the world to him and we're so glad he has you both. We used to be so worried when no one could be here and now we know he's with someone who cares about him like we do; like family." Emily said softly.

"Well, I'm glad Bittsy found him and dragged him into our family. She's a pretty persuasive force." Eleanor said.

"I think she's a pretty strong woman. Like her mom." Rossi said.

"I've had to be since Charles died. He was in the Marines. He died in the Middle East as a Lieutenant Colonel when Bittsy was two. I went back to work as a paralegal until we found out she had cancer. Then I realized all those rainy days you save up for were here. With the life insurance from the military and a civilian policy, and our benefits, financially we've been very fortunate." She explained and then continued.

"When she finished her first treatment a little over a year ago, it was stage 2. When it came back she was diagnosed with stage 3B. Her Hodgkin's is very aggressive. She finished low dose radiation therapy before starting chemo. With recurrent Hodgkin's and the chemo and radiation treatments she's had, there's a strong possibility she could be sterile. That was one of the worst conversations we've had with Dr. Kim. At least for me. Bittsy just seems to accept all this, but I know she talks to Spencer and tells him how she feels. Sometimes I want a Spencer."

Rossi smiled at this.

"Well, he does come complete with the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in his head…"

When the evening came to an end, they got back to Eleanor's, Bittsy was asleep in her bed and Spencer was asleep on the couch while JJ read a book. Spencer woke up when JJ put her hand on his forehead.

"Spence? Eleanor's here. I'll take you home." He got up slowly and smiled.

"Have fun?" He asked shyly.

"A great time. You guys?" She indicated JJ, Spencer and Bittsy's room.

"He's teaching Bittsy poker." JJ interrupted.

"Well, she's gifted with the ability to alter her affect and…"

JJ interrupted again, "He means she can bluff."

"Well she can." He grinned.

"Mom! Did you have fun?" Bittsy asked from the hallway, itching her bald scalp as she yawned.

"Yes I did BamBam. You and Spence really surprised me. That was very sweet. I kept looking for macaroni and cheese on the menu though." She smiled.

"Mom, you look way too pretty to eat macaroni and cheese." She walked to her mom and put her arms around Eleanor's waist. "You look pretty too Emily." She said twisting toward Emily.

"Thank you for helping, Dave." Bittsy said.

The older agent went over and crouched down in front Bittsy. "Glad to help Kiddo. Thanks for letting us in on your plan."

She threw her arms around his neck. Dave gave her a hug back and stood back up. "You're cool Dave." She said.

He winked at her. "So are you BamBam. So are you."

Spencer walked JJ to her car.

"Thanks for staying with us tonight JJ. I know it wasn't easy."

"You're welcome. I was glad to help. I just don't know if I'll ever be the same after watching Hotch help an eight year old write her will and promise to act as her executor." JJ paused. "Why didn't she ask you to be the executor? You two are so close."

"Because she knows I could die too." Spencer said.

"Don't you dare even think of giving up Spence." She implored.

"I'm not thinking of giving up JJ, but as I'm learning, it's not all up to me. And if I die it won't be because I didn't try hard enough. Promise."

With that he kissed her forehead, opened her car door and told her to tell Will hello and kiss Henry for him. As she pulled away, he slowly walked toward home and tried to avoid thinking about his upcoming treatment.