"I know. I know."
"What the hell do you know! Your Kasuka is fine and alive back in Tokyo, probably being his usual dull self that doesn't even appreciate life at all- my sisters loved life- why does he get to go on being bored all the time and Kururi and Mairu had to die? Why don't you answer me that!"
Shizuo did not hold it against him. Not because he was being patronizing but because he knew that all this anger was simply pent up frustration.
"It's not fair that anyone should die, Izaya."
"You don't know anything. Their screams, Shizu-chan- their screams just went on and on. There was so much blood and all I could do- as Kanra- was watch and listen. They called out my name over and over again. I- or Kanra- tried to trace it because- it was a live feed- and if I hurried, but do you have any idea of many people there are in Tokyo! And so many computers, I could not narrow it down, I just couldn't, not even down to the zip code. That was how I killed them."
Shizuo shook him forcibly.
"You didn't kill your sisters, Izaya. If they could hear you now they'd say as much."
"But they can't hear anything. The noises I've been hearing in my dreams are just echoes. And I know why I went to Shinra and later asked for you. I wanted Shinra to save them- piece them together- and I wanted you to do what you always do and that is beat me within an inch of my life but this time getting it right."
Izaya placed his hands over Shizuo's and guided them around his slender neck.
"What are you doing, Izaya!"
"Just squeeze a bit. You're so strong, it'll be easy. Just think of it a fish that didn't make it to the water."
"Izaya, stop. You know I'm not going to do that. I want you alive, I need you alive."
Somehow, insanity or whatever it was, turned Izaya's hands into talons so that Shizuo could not pull back. Izaya smiled sweetly.
"Shizu-chan, you won't even get into troubles. There is no one around. You just have to crush my windpipe and toss the body into the woods. It'll take ages for anyone to find it and you'll be long gone in Tokyo by that time."
Shizuo managed to pry his hands away.
"Please don't say that. If- if you have no other reason to live then- then do it for me. Please, Izaya."
Fireworks exploded above them. Seeding the nighttime sky with blossoms of light, flourishes of gold, red, purple. The thunderous sound muffled Izaya's wailings as he half cried half screamed as the full consciousness of grief hit him. There was nothing that Shizuo could say. And as if it so often happened, the best option was to hold him tightly. As the world cheered overhead.
"I'm sorry for saying what I did about Kasuka."
"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."
They were walking up the stairs, Izaya on Shizuo's back and firmly holding the fish in a lucid grip. Passing the gate they veered to the streamlet that raced downhill and away from the crowds. Shizuo bought the lanterns. Izaya prickled a finger with his teeth and needed no help to write his sisters' names in blood, his calligraphy elegant and drawn in sweeping strokes.
"I need a third one."
"What for?"
"To write my name."
Shizuo touched him very lightly.
"Izaya, you're alive."
"But a part of me is dead. The part that will wait for Kururi and Mairu to come back from school, the part that will watch cheesy movies with them, the part that will go on crazy antics with my sisters. I can't mourn what I don't acknowledge."
Shizuo nodded and took him by the hand to get not one but two more lanterns.
"Shizu-chan?"
"I'll write my name too, then. Because the part of me that threw vending machines at you is dead."
Izaya sent the lanterns down the whispering stream and set the fish free into their running waters. He knelt on the grassy bank and united his hands, eyes closed.
"Mairu, Kururi, Onii-chan has to say goodbye now. One day I'll meet you again. I hope. But for now I have to go. Please forgive me for everything. My mind is not right, it slips from me and keeps breaking, but I'll cling to my memories of us. I don't really want to go on. But I am sure that's what you'd want me to do. So to do you justice- as you deserve- I'll try- my best. It sounds so clichéd."