CHAPTER 25

Remus slammed the door behind him and practically flew down the stairs and out of the building. He was trembling, he could feel it, but for the first time in a long time he wasn't trembling with fear.

He was trembling with anger.

How could he have been so stupid? What the hell had made him think that Sirius might just want to talk? That he might... not want him back, exactly, but maybe be friends again? That he might apologize?

But if that kiss had been anything to go by, Sirius wanted to be more than just friends, and no matter how stupid it was, Remus wanted it too. He'd wanted that kiss. He hadn't really wanted to have sex, but he remembered thinking that if it got Sirius to take him back, he'd do it. It wouldn't have been rape, (God knows he knew what that felt like). His consent wouldn't have even been dubious. In all honesty, he'd been rather excited to be reminded what it felt like to make love, to be fucked by someone who actually cared about his well being, someone who would kiss him. And even now as he stalked down the street, trembling with fury, he still wanted it... but not like that. Maybe if they'd talked a bit- actually talked, not just mindless small talk- if Sirius had apologized for what he said, if he said he hadn't meant any of it, then Remus wouldn't have had a problem with it. But he didn't apologize, he didn't even mention it, and when Sirius made his move Remus couldn't help feeling used. A relationship based solely on sex was not one he wanted to be a part of, even if he did love the horny git.

But as he walked further he calmed down a bit and he began to feel even more stupid, but in a different way. His life had been so incredibly shitty for the last year... why couldn't he just let the good things happen? Why did he have to fuck everything up? With Sirius he used to feel loved and safe and happy. If it had always been just about the sex, and that's what it felt like, then what was the problem?

"Remus!'

He stopped for a moment at the sound of Sirius' voice, and then continued walking. He didn't want to talk-

"Remus, wait!"

Sirius had come after him, was running after him, chasing him, like Remus should have chased Sirius after he'd left the flat all those months ago...

"Remus," Sirius said again, right behind him this time, and a hand grabbed his arm, turning him. He was suddenly face to face with Sirius who was panting and flushed and earnest looking that Remus didn't try to jerk his arm away. "Remus, I'm sorry," he panted. "I am really, really sorry-"

"For what?" Remus spat. He was fully convinced that Sirius wasn't sorry for anything, he was just saying it because it was what Remus wanted to hear.

"For..." Sirius faltered and licked his lips nervously. "For saying things I didn't mean. You're right. I said them to hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry for pushing you too far when you weren't ready and I'm sorry for not having faith in you and I'm sorry for betraying you," he took Remus' face in his hands and while Remus didn't really respond, he didn't pull away either. "I'm sorry for leaving you alone." He stopped and took a deep breath. "But I've been alone too, Remus, and I don't want to be anymore. I'm just a stupid, horny, selfish bastard. I always have been. You know that better than anyone. And it may be the most selfish thing I've ever done to ask this but, please..." his voice caught and for the first time Remus realized how close his friend was to tears. "Please, Remus... Please forgive me."

Sirius met his eyes then, and Remus was horrified. Sirius was balanced precariously on the edge; his face was open and terrified that Remus would reject him... He was vulnerable, and he wasn't bothering to hide it.

Remus closed his eyes. "Sirius," he sighed sadly-

A strange noise made him open his eyes... a whimper. Sirius' hands fell to his sides and he hung his head so Remus couldn't see his face, but from the way his shoulders were shaking Remus knew he was crying.

Remus knew Sirius meant what he'd said. Sirius really was sorry, he really hadn't meant the things he'd said the night he'd kicked Remus out... And he wanted Remus back... No, he wanted Remus to take him back. It was the fulfillment every wish Remus had made during the past three months and it made his so happy, so genuinely happy, that he didn't know what to say.

"But if you won't..." Sirius said through gritted teeth, trying to keep his voice under control. "If you won't forgive me, I understand. I just..." he trailed off miserably.

"Sirius, I..." he stopped, at a completely loss for words. Sirius looked up then, and that damned hope was in his eyes right behind the tears and Remus couldn't help himself. He flung his arms around Sirius' neck like a lovesick teenage girl and held on as tightly as he could. "Of course I forgive you, you git," he whispered in Sirius' ear. "It may be the stupidest thing I've ever done, but I do."

Instantly the tension leaked out of Sirius' body and his arms came up to wrap around Remus' waist. He buried his face in Remus' shoulder and Remus felt the wetness of his tears seep in through the fabric. They stood that way for several minutes. Distantly, Remus considered how odd this was; the reversal of their positions. For the last year it had been Sirius offering comfort while Remus trembled and cried...

Sirius took a deep, shaky breath and pulled away. "Thank you," he said and gave Remus a small smile. "Would you... would you like to come back with me? We won't do anything!" he added quickly at the look on Remus' face. "I'll sleep on the couch if you want, just please... please come back with me?"

"Yeah," Remus sighed, smiling at him. "Let's go back."

They turned and started back for the flat. Remus had an insane urge to take Sirius' hand, but he stopped himself. He didn't really know why he stopped himself, but he did... maybe he was afraid that it was a dream and everything would pop like a bubble if he wasn't careful... The silence between them was only slightly awkward as they entered the apartment, but as they stood there unsure of what to do or say, it grew strained.

"Well, umm..." Sirius said awkwardly. "It's almost midnight and I do have to go into work tomorrow so..." he ran a hand through his hair. "I'll go grab a blanket and a pillow-"

"You don't have to," Remus said quickly. At Sirius' incredulous look he shrugged and said, "I mean, you're right, I don't want to do anything, but that doesn't mean we can't sleep together... I mean, literally sleep together." Remus didn't say it, but he didn't think he could face another night of nightmares alone, not when sirius was less than ten feet away from him. It might have been selfish- Sirius would certainly get a much better night's sleep on the couch, but still...

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked.

"Yes."

"All right," Sirius said, and this time his smile was bigger and brighter.

So they went back to the bedroom and got ready for bed. Remus stripped down to his boxer shorts like he always did. Sirius had slept in the nude since he was thirteen, but tonight he kept his shorts on as well, and Remus was grateful. They crawled into their respective sides of the bed and Remus was struck with how odd it was that while so much had changed, they still slept on the same side of the bed as they always had.

Remus was tired enough that he should have been able to fall asleep instantly. He didn't. He felt Sirius in bed beside him, stiff and tense, and he couldn't relax either. They stayed that way for a good while before Sirius whispered, "Umm... Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Can I... Can I hold you, please?" he asked. "I swear I won't try anything. I just... I can't stand it, having you here after so long and not being able to touch you."

Remus sighed. Why was this so awkward? Why was it so hard? Sirius had apologized and Remus had forgiven him. They were back together in almost every sense of the word, so why couldn't things go back to they way they used to be? Four months ago Sirius wouldn't have asked, he just would have snuggled up close. Remus wanted it to be like that again, so he said, "Of course."

So Sirius rolled over onto his stomach, flung his arm over Remus' waist, and pulled him close, burying his face in Remus' neck. After a moment they relaxed, and a moment after that they were both asleep.

A/N:

So... is it just me, or has the quality of my writing gone down hill lately? ... maybe it's not my actual writing, maybe it's the story? I have no idea. And for the record, this ending is NOT the AU ending... i have evil plans, as always. Anyway, I hope you all liked this chapter. :D can i have a review please?