Chapter 25

Bedroom Tales

Turning the corner and following, Amy fell into Karma's room and felt strange.

The room was clean and simple but little things were Karma, too many little things. All added up it was lovely, like a time-capsule of sorts, it spoke of Karma's becoming.

An ancient looking acoustic guitar sat on a stand in a corner next to a piano with sheet music that had hand penciled-in composition and words right under with dashes and lines. It was Karma's handwriting. Amy recognized it from the restaurant the other day.

Another guitar hung up on the wall. This one looked newer, less important somehow but hand-crafted and nearly unplayed. From several feet away Amy could smell the fresh wood used to make it, she could tell it was expensive and it said Martin & Co. in gold lettering along the top of the head.

From behind her, Karma sighed and Amy turned to see her.

"How long has it been?" Amy asked, surveying her stance.

"Too long," Karma sighed and rolled her eyes at her own stupidity.

The room looked just as it had the last time she came back from college. Not much changed after that back here, though everything else in her life really changed in a drastic way.

"Every time I came home my mom would ask me what I'd written," Karma felt she could cry. Tears hung in her eyes but she didn't want to address them. She stared at the old posters on her wall and the framed pictures of her and Liam together back when they went to Hester and first started dating. In one of them she was wearing Liam's letterman jacket and he was hugging her from behind. She had her hand on his chin. They looked happy. She sighed, remembering. Things weren't always so bad. "Every time I'd written less," she said. Law took away all her music time. But this room, God this room... It was a love-letter to music and Karma ached inside of it, it was her treasure chest somehow. Being inside it again felt like disappearing back inside her genie's lamp. Maybe her mom was her genie? She laughed at her thoughts. Amy saw and wondered what she was thinking. Karma was so at home in her element but also so tired from feeling things all day. Amy's eyes followed her in wonder.

Karma walked to the piano and set herself down on the bench. She took her hands up and began to play a sad song that Amy had never heard.

It was like flipping a switch.

This room had been Karma's sanctuary, her only safe space at one time. A lonely space but a safe space. While Karma played she remembered it all.

And she remembered why she left. She left it for him. She remembered all of the things she used to think and feel inside of this room.

Life after leaving? It was different. It was her life but it wasn't. She had choices but she felt differently with him. She let herself build-up the fantastic fallacy of the perfect life with him. It took too long to realize and now she was back where she started. She always had a home. She always had her own things. That was different now. Or it wasn't. It was confusing. She had returned to herself in a way. Her things were different. Her thoughts and feelings had changed. And there was no way to go back but that was okay right now, it was sad but okay.

Amy watched from Karma's bed. This girl was more than talented. Her fingers slid across the black and white keys with so much ease. It was like water dropping gently into a clear pond. To Amy it felt debilitating, watching her. She huffed out a breath and just listened, her heart racing. Karma arrested her in that space. Karma was different with a piano beneath her. It was like the other day in the car when Amy got her talking about music and Karma started to sing.

She had passion. More passion than Amy had ever seen.

Her tone was low and filled with soul. It was a blues song when her voice crooned out.

"It's been a long long tiiiiime, since I've coooome to your dooor," Karma sang. "There's a place that I've been, I can't taaaaake anymo- oooo- oooreee." "And you know I've been thinkin', 'bout how wrong I've been before. It's been a long long tiiiime, since I've coooome, to your doooor..."

Karma stopped in the middle of her song.

"Wow," Amy huffed. There was so much emotion, it just filled up the room. "I've never heard that song," Amy said. It dragged on out of her as if pulled from her soul.

"Of course you haven't," Karma laughed, her fingers tinkering. "I just made it up." She looked back down at the keys, not realizing at all what she might look like to someone who couldn't play. Karma tinkered with her fingerings and fiddled around with her new composition. If she was smart she'd write it down. But there was something rewarding in knowing that she could just make a song in an instant and have it be for only just once before allowing it float-on away into that nowhere space out there where all the other potential hits died out in the end.

Karma stopped in an instant, she realized she was being dismissive, and turned back around.

"You write songs," Amy smiled. "You sing. You play piano,.. It's like you're this whole other person." Amy wished she'd known all of it before. Karma had so much talent. It was intense. Lauren never said...

Karma got up and pulled the beat-up guitar out of the corner. "Here," she said, coming close to Amy and sitting down next to her on the bed. She turned inward so she could play Amy a song. Her fingers plucked a little before she spoke. "I know you know this one," Karma smiled. "Everyone always knows this one." It'd been so long since she'd performed anything that wasn't a practiced speech. Playing for Amy all of a sudden made her feel soft. She felt her palms grow sweaty and her throat get tight. Being away from her instruments gave her a sort of complex about her skill. Even then she always felt that she needed to be so much better if she was ever to succeed in song.

She didn't know much about Amy's tastes but they'd already talked together about American Idol and Karma remembered Amy making a joke about quitting the show when Katherine McPhee was kicked off so she got this idea in her head. She began to strum along, a long intro she used to play all alone. This song was very close to her heart. It was a song she learned when she was very young and never got tired of, not even now. By the time she opened her mouth to sing she'd already lost all nervousness. She was too nostalgic for the sound. Something about Judy Garland, back in that farm, in that black and white world.

Amy on the other hand was trying to act calm. But then Karma opened her mouth and Amy couldn't believe how beautiful Karma's voice was.

"Somewhere over the rainbow… Way up high.. There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby." Her fingers danced on vibrating strings as Amy watched. "Somewhere over the rainbow… Skies are blue… And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…"

Amy had to try and stop herself from crying. She loved that song. Everyone did. But Karma's voice? Oh… Karma's voice...

Katherine Mcphee had sung that song and Amy knew why Karma had said what she said before she had started to play. Karma knew Amy liked Katherine Mcphee but she didn't know how much Amy loved L. Frank Baum's entire made-up world of Oz and subsequently the Wizard of Oz film and subsequently Gregory Maguire's true-to-life reimagining of the polarized witches in Galinda and Elphaba. This song was… Coming from Karma? It was suddenly Amy's favorite song again just like it used to be when she was a kid and she'd lay before the tv and just marvel at Dorothy Gale as her mom made her sandwiches somewhere off in the background secretly adoring her all the while and seeing herself in her in every way.

Sitting beside Karma while she sang, Amy felt goosebumps cover her skin, she wanted to tackle Karma and smother her with kisses and love. But she held back because the song was beautiful and she wanted to hear it. The song was about life and hope and dreams. It was everything. It was an everything song. Trying to act calm and keep from crying, Amy pulsed beside her friend and wondered how Karma could even go a second without singing with that addicting voice. If Amy had that voice she would never ever shut up.

When the song came to an end Amy knew it was coming and she turned inward to face her friend.

There was silence for a moment between them. Karma had just stopped like it was no big deal...

"I can't believe you're an actual person who exists," Amy said, feeling nothing but awe.

"Believe it," Karma said, not knowing at all what she should say. To Karma, Amy deserved so much more than an old song in an old room where all Karma's own memories haunted her and distracted her from the now.

Karma got up and put the guitar down by the bed. Amy grabbed Karma's wrist and tugged her back.

"Kiss me," she said. Karma was suddenly too much for her. She was too much for the world all of a sudden and Amy needed her to be hers right now, she needed it more than life. She felt her heart trying to leap from her chest and reside with her.

"K," Karma smiled nervously, letting herself be tugged down onto her high school bed in her high school room. She'd only ever kissed Liam there before but this was… It was better.

Amy fell back and pulled Karma down on top of her. She was suddenly so very desperate for Karma's lips and Karma's touch and Karma's taste. Hands flew to places, a fire was lit.

"Wow," Karma said, breaking from the kiss and realizing it. She looked down at Amy and saw how much she wanted her. "Are you okay?" She asked.

"For once," Amy huffed, searching Karma's eyes and wishing she could understand. Amy didn't do this to people, she didn't want them this much, they usually wanted her more.

Karma's lips curled up into a smile as she kissed her again. Feeling Amy's body beneath her was more than perfect. She felt her hands groping for Amy's face and her own body sinking into her and pressing into all of Amy's places.

"Uh," Amy moaned as Karma accidentally scooted up on her, dragging her body up.

"Sorry," Karma panted, desperate for air and other things.

"No," Amy said, pulling her up on her again and letting her mouth fall open a bit wider so she could kiss Karma harder and let herself have a bit of what she wanted.

Amy's hand was at Karma's waist and on her skin. She was holding her there and moving with her, wanting to feel. This time it was Karma who moaned. She hadn't intended for this. She hadn't intended on making love to Amy in her old room where she hadn't been in years. But no one intends on things like this. No one intends on new love or old heartache to connect. Karma was done fighting with the fates. She was done living a life for others when she wanted this now and only this, even here.

She sat up on Amy, straddling her and throwing her top off.

"What are you doing?" Amy asked nervously. Even though she had had sex before she felt suddenly scared again and she couldn't place that fear or why it had jumped up and bit her. All she knew was that she couldn't, not yet.

"Don't you want to?" Karma asked lovingly. She was looking down at her while she pushed Amy's shirt up with both of her hands. Amy took a deep breath in while Karma's hands smoothed up her torso and landed ontop of her bare breasts and squeezed.

"Uh-" Amy barely breathed out, her eyes opening wide in near shock. She felt how badly she wanted, below the spot where Karma was resting her body, Amy felt a flurry of activity and she was instantly wet but she was still scared. "I dunno," Amy said in a panic. "I dunno if I'm ready."

Karma hadn't been expecting that. And she could see in Amy's face that something was wrong and it terrified her.

She felt horrible all of a sudden.

"Oh God," she said, noticing a change in Amy's emotions and her face. That change was just so apparent. Two seconds before Amy was 100% begging. And now she was frightened and scared and not okay. Karma quickly moved herself off of her. Where Karma had been sitting she'd been putting pressure on Amy's secret space. And then Amy's face changed and she wasn't sure and Karma just realized that it just wasn't okay. She realized all of a sudden and felt horrible. "I am so sorry," Karma said. This was the second time Karma tried to push Amy into sex with her. There was just something in the way Amy was kissing and touching her. She just really felt like Amy was ready.

"I'm sorry," Amy said, sitting up. She felt the phantom touch on her breasts where Karma's strong hands had just been. "I dunno why I'm scared," she said, her hair dangling over her face so Karma couldn't see.

Karma moved Amy's hair so that she could look at her.

"It's okay," Karma said. "I shouldn't have pushed."

"No, I started it, I pulled you on top of me," Amy was replaying it and wondering why that fear had come up and bit her.

"But that doesn't mean-"

"I'm so stupid," Amy said, realizing it and getting angry with herself. She got up without warning and walked right out of the room. She didn't want to be there anymore. She didn't deserve to be there. She felt like she had been playing with Karma or something. She wasn't acting like a normal person in her situation would act. She got up and left.

"Amy?" Karma grabbed her shirt and chased her. There was something wrong. And she didn't want to lose Amy. She didn't want Amy getting lost in her own head. "Amy?" Her hurried walk turned into a jog as she rounded the corner of the hall and stopped once she saw that Amy was just outside in the front yard between the door and the car and standing to face her.

"I'm scared," Amy said.

It was obvious though. That was obvious now.

Karma had forgotten but she couldn't forget again. She let herself get lost in her. She forgot that Amy was scared.

"You don't have to be," Karma said. There was distance between them but she didn't want to chase Amy away.

"I wish I wasn't," Amy said, feeling it in her bones. She'd never felt this way. Never gone this far.

"Come on," Karma said, "we should go."

It was the smartest thing to do. Karma didn't want her family coming back. And she didn't want Amy leaving without her and things just ending like this somehow and going away.

"Come on," she said, carefully tugging on Amy's hand as she walked calmly past her with nothing but love in her heart.

Amy felt the tug and it calmed her. When Karma dropped her hand Amy instantly missed it. They walked to their doors and got inside the car.

Karma started the thing up and backed them out and began again to drive.

It was so quiet in the car and Amy didn't know what to say.

"I shouldn't be pushing you," Karma said. "I didn't mean to." Suddenly their conversations seemed so much more important to her. Amy was always talking about not being used to being touched. And Karma had just grabbed her in there. There was nothing subtle about that. "God, I'm such an asshole," Karma scoffed.

"No," Amy fought, taking Karma's hand and squeezing it. "This wasn't you," Amy said. "I'm just, I'm not used to this being normal." Amy had one boyfriend in high school. Every time things started to get real with him Amy would back out and leave. She still wasn't sure if she loved him even now. There was something amatter with her. It was hard for her to accept love.

And then with Reagan Amy sort of just went for it. She was in a mood and Reagan made it easy for her by not asking or telling and just pushing her worked. Amy was sick of nothing happening. She had this pattern and she was more aware of it then. Every time she gets scared she runs from things. With Reagan she forced herself to stay. And then things just sort of ended right after they started and that hurt.

Karma was stewing in her chair. She couldn't help but feel sick with herself. "I want you sooooo much," she confessed, her eyes closing for a moment as she ruminated on that intense truth. Back in that room she was just ready to do it all.

Amy's mind froze. All of a sudden it was like Amy could see how much Karma wanted her and how honest she was being about that and how much that arrested her too. She watched Karma and felt calm.

"How do you do that?" Amy asked, mesmerized.

"Do what?" Karma asked, still bothered by her own greedy ways.

"Just now," Amy said. "Just now I was so stressed out and scared. All you had to do was say one thing and I felt good again."

"Huh-," Karma laughed awkwardly. "Really?"

"Yeah," Amy said, turning away from her and looking out at the other cars. She still had her hand in Karma's and she was still holding it tight.

"I always want you to feel good," Karma said, feeling defeated despite Amy's confession. She knew she fucked up somehow and she blamed herself and felt bad.

"Don't take me home," Amy said. She didn't want to be away from her, not for a single second.

"K," Karma said, relieved. At least Amy was staying.

"I know I freaked out… I know that was weird."

"It wasn't-" she lied.

"It was," Amy said. "I'm not normal. I'm not like everyone else seems to be. I get scared and I don't know why I get scared. It's like I can't control it."

"I don't want to hurt you," Karma said, raising her voice more than she intended to and feeling angry with herself.

"You didn't hurt me," Amy said, tugging at Karma's hand so that she'd look at her. "You didn't," she pushed.

Karma turned her head back to the road though and tried to understand what had just gone on. They were perfect. Everything was right…

"I don't want to make you feel like that," Karma said. "You make me feel safe. I want you to feel safe with me."

"I do," Amy said. "It just got intense really fast and I freaked."

Karma drove quietly. She didn't know what else to say or how else to put it. She was mad at herself, too mad. And the car had become quiet. That silence terrified her.