The door closed with a finality that made me flinch as much as the sound did. I sank onto the couch sighing at the mess that surrounded me, both literally and figuratively. I can't say that I was upset about how things have happened, ever since I returned to the present my life just wasn't all that I felt it could be. It didn't help that it felt as if the biggest part of me was missing every moment of my day. It's only been a couple months since I've gotten back, and it has been a fight every day to not only keep moving forward, but to accept that my life is not my own anymore.
That's why I moved out, to have as much control as I could over what I do. When I had returned home everything was happening in such a way that I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't just continue like nothing had happened, Erik meant too much for me to just move on like that. I was caught up in thoughts about how he was doing, what he was doing, and if he got away. I would wake up excited about my day, about how I would talk to Meg and Christine, and then go down to spend time with Erik after rehearsals. Then as the fog lifted from my thoughts, and my eyes focused on the room around me I would remember I wasn't there I was back home. Even though home to me was over a hundred years ago.
After a lot of fighting and crying and pushing, I convinced my parents that I should move out. I was already of legal age, but they wanted me to stay home and recuperate before I did anything too draining. But I just needed to be on my own.
Which is why I'm sitting in a cruddy apartment in New York, surrounded by what little belongings I possess, holding back the tears I've been trying to keep in all day. My father helped me bring the last of my stuff before I was on my own. He left with a hug and a "be careful" as he closed the door behind him. I wanted to get up, I had things to do. But all I wanted to do was to mope and maybe watch some of the movies I had brought with me.
Rubbing my stomach, I finally let myself cry. I was pregnant, and I wasn't ready to do this. Especially not without Erik. I just wasn't ready to be a mother, it's not like I haven't thought about it before, but I just wanted to wait until I was older. I wanted to have a steady life and that couldn't be further than the truth at this moment.
I looked down, I wasn't showing yet. My parents didn't know, no one did. I kept this secret to myself. I just really couldn't take what everyone was going to say. They would think that the baby was my 'kidnapper's' child and then wouldn't want me to keep it. And despite how difficult it would be for me, and how hard I would have to work. I wouldn't do anything to get rid of the life growing inside of me. I was having Erik's child, and if that was the only way to have a piece of him with me in this life than so be it.
I wasn't going to let this ruin me, I wiped the tears from my face and stood up. I was going to grab life by the horns and do this. I wasn't going to let anything happen to me or my child. And if that meant that I did all this alone I wasn't going to let that stop me.
I was determined, I walked to the door and grabbed my jacket making sure I had everything I needed while I was out.
It was time to move forward. I would use the love that I have for Erik as motivation for what I wanted to do. I would never be able to see him again, and for that reason alone I couldn't focus on the past like I wanted to. He would always be a part of me, but I needed to do this for me. I was going to live my life.
For my child. For me. For Erik.
*THE END?*
A/N: So this has been a super long time coming. I'm just reeling in the fact that Love Lost is over. I mean or is it? Well this part is, because really it's not there will maybe be a sequel. When you ask? I don't know sooner rather than later I would optimistically say. I mean if you all think you'd like to hear the continued story of Lorraine and Erik and all that let me know. I love hearing from everyone. Drop a review or comment or whatever! Hope you had fun reading Love Lost because it's been a long and happy and interesting process for me.
Thanks for everything!