Songs About Me
Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Korn or any lyrics
Chapter 25: Coming Undone
"Wait / I'm coming undone / Irate / I'm coming undone / Too late / I'm coming undone / One look so strong so delicate / Wait / I'm starting to suffocate / And soon I anticipate / I'm coming undone / One look so strong so delicate"-Coming Undone, Korn
Rachel leans against the door to the bathroom stall. She's trying to calm her unsettled stomach. She takes several deep breathes letting each one out slowly. She wonders what's wrong with her. This is the second time this week that she's had to rush to the bathroom. Truth is the past few weeks she's felt off.
As the queasiness begins to fade she thinks, 'What is wrong with me? I've been feeling like this ever since …' she involuntarily shudders at that thought. She closes her eyes and holds her head in her hands. She tries to calm her nerves again. 'It's been …almost two months. I've felt awful for a little less than two months. Maybe something's wrong with me? Maybe he made me sick?'
Her eyes fly open as a thought enters her head. "No, I-I …I can't be." She shakes her head, trying to shake the thought from her head. 'I was at the hospital, maybe I caught something there,' she tries to reason with herself. 'I've read that that can happen. People go to hospitals because they're sick. There are a lot of germs in hospitals.'
Rachel tries to think of every reason to why she's "sick". Her mind keeps going back to the same thought. "No. I'm not. I can't be." 'I haven't had my period yet.' She wraps her arms around herself. 'That doesn't mean anything. My cycle's not exactly regular. I've skipped months before. That doesn't mean I'm …' Tears sting her eyes as she wonders, 'Could I be …pregnant?' Holding her hair back, Rachel quickly bends over the toilet, loosing what little she had in her.
Rachel doesn't know what to do. It's not as if she can go to her dad. Even if the circumstances were different, she doesn't think she could talk to him about something like this. Should she go to Richard? Could she do that even though she pushed him away, again?
Rachel decides to go to Richard for help. He's the only one who knows about her situation. She finds him at basketball practice. He's surprised to see her at the gym. When they take a break, he runs over to her. He thinks she looks so pale, too pale. He's worried, "Rachel, what's wrong?"
She quickly looks around, making sure no one's nearby. She says in a hoarse whisper, "I'm late."
He doesn't understand what she's saying. "Uh, we never had any plans." 'You keep pushing me away.'
She says quickly, "No, I'm late-late. You know, like, thattimeofthemonth."
It takes him a few seconds, but finally gets what she's saying. "Oh shit."
"Yeah, oh shit. What am I gonna do?" She wraps her arms around herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to turn to. I don't know what to do?"
"Uh, that's okay, I'm glad you came to me. Um, I don't know what to do either. Let me think about it." He runs his hand through his hair. "Stay calm, try not to worry. We'll figure it out. Um, wait for me, after practice we'll talk, decide what we should do."
A teammate runs over to them, "Hey, Grayson, think you can focus on practice and not your new girlfriend?" Seeing their worried expressions he continues, "What'd you do, get her knocked up?"
Rachel and Richard both look horrified. Richard says, "Shut up, Bakers. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass you could focus on practice and the games." To Rachel he repeats, "Try not to worry."
Rachel goes out into the hall as Richard goes back to practice. She leans against wall next to a large window. 'Oh God, what am I gonna do?'She slides down the wall until she's seated. A part of her is relieved; Richard says he'll help her. Most of all she's scared. She stares out the window; hoping she's wrong. She watches the dark clouds gather in the sky.
By the time they reach Richard's truck it's beginning to sprinkle. Before he starts the truck he says, "What are we going to do?"
"That guy back there, he didn't really believe that, what he said. Did he? What if he tells others? Ohmigod, what if they believe him? What if they think you and I …? I'm sorry, I am so sorry. Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I have to keep messing things up?"
"Rachel, it'll be okay. Ignore him, everyone does. He's a jerk. Nobody listens to him; nobody believes a thing he says."
"Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to get in trouble or something just because you're trying to help me."
"It'll be okay. Are you sure you might be, um ,uh …?" he asks nervously. He's never had to talk to a girl about this.
She blushes, she hate talking about anything that's personal or private, even if it is to a friend. "My stomach's been queasy. I can't seem to keep much down. And like I said I, uh, I didn't, um, I skipped my …period."
"That's not good, is it?" They are both uncomfortable with this unfamiliar subject.
"I've skipped it before, but it was probably because of stress or something. I never really worried about it. Before this that wasn't a possibility."
"If there's a chance …uh, if you've had problems with stress before, then couldn't be like that again? I know this is all scary but why did you jump to the conclusion that you might be …pregnant?"
Rachel's face blanches as he asks the questions, and then reddens with embarrassment. She looks out the side window so she doesn't have to look at Richard. "He um, he didn't use …protection." She closes her eyes hearing Richard groan his disgust and frustration. "I'm sorry. Maybe I should go …"
"Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. Remember this isn't your fault. I'm angry because you've been hurt."
"I know you're trying to help. I'm not making it easy, sorry. I'm just overly sensitive right now."
Richard suggests, "Maybe you should go to a doctor or clinic."
Rachel snaps at him, "No! I can't do that! It's bad enough you know!" She covers her face and sighs. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just never wanted anyone to know."
"I'm your friend and I want to help." He gently adds, "I think you should go to somebody. Anybody else would want to help you too."
She shakes her head, "I, I can't, I can't tell anyone else." Rachel's brows furrow as she intently studies her nails. "I already tried that but they didn't believe me."
Richard asks the question he's thought about several times since she told him. "How could they not believe you?"
"I don't know," she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, "maybe it's because I didn't come right out and say it. I was very upset and just hinted at what happened. She actually accused me of making it up. Said I couldn't lie about something like that. She said I couldn't have sex then accuse the guy of assault because I felt guilty." Even though Richard has said he believes her, Rachel begins to fear he'll be like Debbie and change his mind. "You know that's not how it was. It didn't happen like that. You still believe me don't you?"
"Of course I believe you. We'll figure this out, somehow."
They're deciding what to do when there's a knock on the window. They both scream. It's Gar and he's laughing. Richard puts down the window. Annoyed, he says, "Gar, what do you want?"
He's still laughing, "Dude, you should've seen your face. Too bad I didn't have the camera on my phone ready. It was priceless."
Rachel leans over, "Gar, is there a point to your nonsense?"
"Oh, hey, Rae, what's up? Haven't seen ya around lately." She rolls her eyes. "Dude, I was wondering if you were joining us. Of course you can come too, Rae."
Richard asks, "Doing what?"
Gar shrugs, "Dunno, we were probably gonna get some movies and tons of food. Nothing too specific. Just kinda hang out."
Rachel and Richard speak at the same time. "Can't, I have to help him with French." "Sorry, I have to help her with English."
Gar looks confused. "So which is it? You said English and she said French."
They exchange a worried look. Rachel holds up the first book she can grab from her backpack, it's her algebra book and says, "Um, I have to help him translate some of this from English to French and …" "…and I have to help her translate it back to English," finishes Richard.
Gar makes a disgusted face, "Yuck, booorrring! Well, if you get done early we'll be at Vic's house."
After Gar leaves Rachel says, "He has to suspect something's up with that lame excuse. Translating an algebra book, seriously? It's all numbers. Why couldn't I have grabbed another book?"
"Don't worry; he's not gonna think anything about it." Starting the truck, he says, "Let's go get the test. You can take it at my house."
By the time they get to a drug store that's on the other side of the city, it is pouring rain. Rachel tries not to think about what she has to do. She was hoping she'd at least be a senior if not in collage before having to worry about this. She tries to focus on the wipers. She focuses on how the wipers sometimes match the beat to Bruno Mars' song Grenade, playing through the speakers.
Richard parks his truck as close to the building as he can. They both sit there staring at the wipers pushing the rain away. After a few minutes Richard says, "I, um, I can go in and get it, if you want me to."
Rachel shakes her head and takes a ragged breath. "No, I, I can do this."
Several more minutes pass and she hasn't moved. "Rachel?"
She says softly, "Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"
In an equally quiet tone he says, "We're friends, that's what friends do."
She stares out at the rain. "What if …what if I'm a lost cause? Maybe I'm too broken to be fixed."
He says softly, "Your life was turned upside down. In just a few horrifying moments, your trust and self-worth were stolen. It's going to take time to build those back up. It's not going to happen overnight but I'll be here with you. I'll help you through this. If you ever want to talk or just sit and be quiet, just call me. I'm just a phone call away."
When he doesn't hear anything from her, he hopes she heard him. Richard looks over at her. Her eyes are closed. "Rachel?"
Tears seep out under her lashes. Her brow wrinkles with worry. "Wh-what if I am pr…?"
"Maybe you're not. After the test, you'll know.
She quickly wipes away the tears. "I know. You're right." She pulls up the hood of her coat. Opening the door, she tells herself, "I can do this."
She hurries into the drug store. Once inside she keeps her hood up and looks around. She has to find the right aisle. When she gets there, Rachel stares in amazement. She's surprised there are so many types of home pregnancy tests. She doesn't know which one to pick. 'How do you pick something like that?' She glances around; making sure no one's around before she grabs one that's fairly cheep. Rachel nervously stands in the checkout line. She tries to keep the box hidden.
She's getting hot while standing in line. Rachel pushes back her hood. She impatiently taps her fingers on the box, 'What's taking so long?' Slowly the line moves. Rachel's next but the lady in front of her is having trouble finding the right change. Rachel is annoyed that this is taking longer than it should. She digs into her pocket and pulls out change for the lady. The lady thanks her and leaves. Finally, it's Rachel's turn.
Setting the box on the counter, Rachel hopes the clerk doesn't question her about it. She's in luck; the clerk doesn't give it a second glance. Rachel's luck runs out when there's a problem with the cash register. She stares down at the box sitting on the counter. It's in plain sight; anyone could see it and know what her problem is. She's trying to decide if she should just leave without buying the test or grab the test and run. The clerk has her money so she wouldn't be stealing. Rachel glances around; nobody's watching her. She slowly inches her hand near the box. She's about ready to grab the box when the clerk hands her the receipt and her change.
Relieved that no one saw her, Rachel races outside without putting up her hood. What Rachel didn't notice was a pair of violet eyes watching her. The owner of those violet eyes and now an evil smirk saw everything. She goes over to the door and watches Rachel get into Richard's truck. Taking out her phone, she makes a call.
They drive to Richard's house in silence. Rachel clutches the bag on her lap. She holds onto it as if her life depends on it but she refuses to looks at it. As they go up the elevator to Richard's place, the penthouse, Rachel wonders, "Will anybody be home?"
Richard says, "Alfred might be here but he won't bother us."
"Alfred? Who's that? I thought your dad's name was Bruce."
Richard mumbles, "He's kinda like a butler."
Rachel raises an eyebrow. "A butler? You've never mentioned anything about that before."
"Yeah, well," he shrugs, "I don't like to make a big deal about it. I try to think of him more like an uncle."
They walk though the door and Rachel looks in amazement. The living room is lined with floor to ceiling windows. The view of the city, even with the rain, is incredible. For a moment, Rachel forgets about her problems. She whispers, "Wow." She's shaken from her reverie when she hears someone coming in the room. She stuffs the bag with the test in her backpack.
Richard says, "Hey, Alfred, this is my friend Rachel. We have to study for a test. We'll be in my room."
She says hi to the older, grandfather-looking man. She's a little jealous of Richard having some other than his father to look after and care for him. All she seems to have is a relative who died over a hundred years ago. Alfred says, "Hello, Rachel." To Richard he says, "I'll be in the study if you need anything."
The two enter his room. Richard points to a door. "You can use my bathroom." Rachel nods. She takes the test out of her backpack but doesn't take a step towards the bathroom. After a few minutes he says, "Um, Rachel?"
"I know, I know, I need to do this. I'm, …I'm just scared," she admits.
"The test will let you know for sure but there might be another reason why you're, uh late." She looks at him confused. He explains, "When you were in the drugstore I looked up some things on my phone. There are some other reasons for a woman to miss her …period."
Rachel looks a little hopeful. "Really? What are some of the reasons?"
Richard takes out is phone and looks it up again. "Have you been seriously sick or do you take medication?" She shakes her head. He continues, "It could also be because your schedule's changed, you're underweight or you have stress."
"Stress? What do I have to be stressed about?" she says sarcastically. She turns towards the bathroom. She takes a deep breathe and says, "Okay, here goes nothing." A few minutes later, she comes out, checking her watch. "The box says it takes five minutes. Those will probably be the longest five minutes of my life."
She paces around Richard's room before checking her watch again. Only thirty seconds have passed. She sits down next to Richard on his bed. She lies down and stares at the ceiling. She puts her hand on her abdomen. "I don't feel pregnant but then I don't know what that's supposed to feel like. Maybe …I hope this is all just stress. I don't want to be pregnant." She shudders, "I don't want to be carrying his child. That would be too horrible."
Richard lies down beside her. They lay side-by-side but not touching.
"I hope I'm not pregnant." Rachel thinks aloud. "If I am I could …I could have an abortion. I could just get rid of it. But I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean, it's not like tossing out a broken dish and forgetting about it. I'm afraid I'd be haunted by that as much as I am by things now. Right now, I'm barely able to hold it together. I never thought about abortion for me, not like this. Even though it would be his it'd also be apart of me. Could I do that? Could I just throw away apart of me? A baby's innocent. I shouldn't blame it or punish it for something's that's partially my fault."
"Rachel, it's not you're fault. Don't blame yourself for what happened." He doesn't know how else to say it so she wouldn't blame herself. He hates that she feels so guilty. He wants to kill the bastard who's making her suffer.
"But if circumstances were different, if I'd reacted differently maybe it wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't made him angry …"
"It doesn't matter how angry he was or if you stripped off you clothes and walked in front of him naked, he had no right to hurt you like that. Please, remember it's not you're fault."
"I'll try." Rachel lets out a deep sigh before she continues. "I could give it up for adoption. Give it a chance at something I might not be able to give it, happiness and love. It could have a real family, a mother and a father who'd love it. They would cherish it as a gift instead of seeing it as a curse.
"Would that be how it'd be if I kept it and raised it on my own? Would it be a constant reminder of that horrible night? Would I equate the baby to that evil act?"
Richard simply says, "I don't know."
"I know what it's like to feel like you're not wanted. On more than one occasion, I've felt like that. It's not just my dad; it's with my mom too. There've been times I couldn't help but think things might've been better if they didn't have me. Maybe they would've been happy."
Richard's heart aches for the girl beside him. She's been through so much. She doesn't deserve this, any of this. "I'm sorry. I can't even begin to understand what that feels like. Even though I lost my parents when I was little, I knew their love. I'm thankful to have you as a friend. I'm honored that you'd trust me enough to open up to me. I had no idea you've felt like this."
"I wouldn't want an innocent child to feel like this. If that test shows that I am pregnant, no amount of wishing will make it go away. What am I going to do? Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."
Richard says, "I hope you're not also." He looks over to her and gives her an encouraging smile. She looks over at him and returns a sad smile.
She gasps as thought enters her mind. "If I'm pregnant then everyone will know what happened. I can't say it's Roy's because we didn't do anything. I can't say it's Jason's because we broke up months ago. What am I gonna do?"
"No one's going to know unless you tell them."
"They'll know I was stupid and let something that shouldn't have."
They're silent, trying to think of a solution. Richard blurts out, "You could say it's mine."
She turns to stare at him, "What!"
"If it helps, you could say we were together."
"What about Kori? She'll be furious with you."
"We'd have to tell her the truth. Of course, we'd have to tell Vic and Gar also. Otherwise, Vic would probably pummel me."
"Are you sure? You'd really do that for me? I don't know. I can't let you do that."
"Yeah, I want to help you any way I can. Maybe it'd buy you some time."
"Um, have you …ever…"
He blushes, "No, but if it helps… Kori and I have talked about it but …"
"If you don't consider that, then me neither." She closes her eyes. "I used to imagine what it'd be like. I never thought it actually would, but I imagined. When I started dating Jason, it became more of a possibility. But now," she shudders, "it's just nightmares. Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."
Rachel feels something brush her hand by her side. It's Richard; he gives her hand an encouraging squeeze. "I hope you're not either."
Richard's door suddenly opens. Rachel and Richard quickly sit up. He says, "Kori! What are you doing here?"
Her expression goes from surprise to anger. "I thought my sister was lying. I thought she was just making things up to upset me. But I see she was right."
Richard is now standing in front of Kori. "What are you talking about?"
Kori glares at the two. "My sister told me she saw you two together. She told me that she did not wish to hurt me but she thought I should know about the two of you."
Rachel tries to calm her friend down. "Kori, Cami just wants to upset you. Don't believe anything she says unless you have proof. Richard and I haven't done anything. We're just friends."
"Cami said she saw you buying …" Kori sees the box for the home pregnancy test. She gasps, "It is true, you might be pregnant. And you are here with Richard, my boyfriend. You might be having his baby. How could you?"
Richard puts his hand on Kori's shoulder to try to comfort her. "Kori, I didn't do anything with Rachel. I'm just trying to help her."
Kori pulls away from him. Not really listening to him, she turns to Rachel. Angry she says, "And you, I thought you were my friend. I thought of you as one of my best friends. I wanted to help you if your father was hurting you. I tried to help you but you pushed us all away. But I guess you let Richard get close, really close."
"Kori, that's not true. He's just being a friend. He's just trying to help me with my problem. Nothing has happened between us. I haven't even talked to him until last week. We are just friends."
Kori laughs, "Right, you two are friends …with benefit, is it? Cami was right. She said you were not to be trusted. I kept telling her she was wrong. I thought you were my friend but I was wrong. You must think I am a fool. Contrary to popular belief I am not stupid!"
Rachel looks down. "I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're upset. Nothing's hap…"
"Shut up! You just keep lying. You are a … a …a lying bitch!" Rachel blinks her eyes as the stinging words come from her friend.
"Kori! That's enough!" Richard's never seen his girlfriend so angry. "I understand why you'd be upset. Why don't we all just calm down. We'll explain everything."
"I want nothing to do with you! I hope you are happy!" With tears in her eyes, Kori opens the door. "I hate you! I hate both of you!" She leaves, slamming the door.
Rachel struggles not to cry. She never thought the closest thing to a best friend would say things like that. Kori's words hurt her almost as much as the time her father struck her face.
"Rachel," Richard goes up to her. She's trying to keep her composure. "Are you okay?"
"I-I'm okay. Go; find Kori. Make her understand. Do whatever you can to make her forgive you." Richard looks at the door then at Rachel. He's not sure he should leave Rachel alone. "Go."
Rachel watches Richard race out the door. She hears him calling for Kori and the main door slam. She stumbles back until she sits on his bed. She runs her hand though her hair. She doesn't understand why she's so upset. She doesn't understand why she just stood there and let Kori say those things about her.
She lies back down on the bed. "I keep messing up. Not only did I ruin my life but I've wrecked my friends' lives."
Her eyes fly open. She sits up suddenly. She's forgotten about the test. She hurries to the bathroom. Closing her eyes, she says a silent prayer. Taking a deep breath, Rachel looks down at the stick in her hand.
Tears instantly spill. She covers her mouth with a trembling hand. She staggers back until she hit's the bathroom wall. She slides down until she's seated.
Richard comes back to his room alone. He couldn't catch up to Kori. He doesn't see any sign of Rachel. Hearing something from the bathroom, he goes to it. He stops in the doorway. His heart sinks. 'Oh God, no.'
Rachel sits on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down her face. She's staring at the test in her hand. He drops to his knees and gently gathers her in his arms. "I'm sorry." As she sobs in his arms yet again, she shakes her head.