Hayley's P.O.V
Rain was pelting down on the windows again, dark, threatening clouds masking the bright sunshine that had spilled down onto small neighborhoods and asphalt backyards only days previously. The blistering heat had been replaced with a cool, damp breeze, sending strong gusts of wind rustling through the trees, leaves and branches swaying delicately against a murky charcoal sky.
I found myself once again seated in my borrowed bedroom, my face contorted in an expression of absolute confusion. My eyes were staring intently at the cell phone that rested silently upon my mattress, nothing but the time displayed across its small screen. It had been days since I'd heard from Nathan, let alone seen him; every time I'd attempted to call him, I had been led straight to his voicemail. Despite the numerous messages I had left for him, he had yet to return one of them.
Biting my lip nervously, I glanced toward the calendar hanging on the wall. August 29 was less than four days away, and I had not spoken to my boyfriend, the man I would be leaving behind, in well over three days. His behavior was nothing short of baffling; one moment we had been enjoying ourselves in his flat, and the next it seemed as though I didn't exist. I had heard of women saying that sex changed everything in a relationship, but his complete lack of acknowledgment of me seemed rather extreme.
I had considered the possibility of stopping by his flat on more than one occasion, but something that lingered deep within my chest was telling me not to go. Every time the prospect danced across my mind, my stomach churned unpleasantly and my chest ached, somehow fearing imminent disaster. However, the fact that I hadn't seen him in so long was causing my chest to ache even more fiercely, the horrifying truth finally sinking in: I missed him.
I shifted my gaze toward the window, watching as thick, heavy droplets of rain splashed against the glass. Downstairs, I could hear the banging of pots and pans as Aunt Karen prepared dinner, the scent of something delicious already traveling upstairs to my room. One room over, the sounds of Brooke and Peyton's tinkling laughter floated through the walls, causing a lump to rise in my throat. I was finally realizing how different my life would be in a short four days' time - there would be no more jokes with Peyton, no more comforting hugs from Aunt Karen, no more trips down to the lake with Jake, Lucas and Rachel. And perhaps the thing that was hitting me hardest was the fact that I would never feel Nathan's arms wrapped around me again, never feel his lips pressed against mine, never experience that whooshing feeling in my stomach when I caught his eye. Even more than that, I couldn't believe that I cared as much as I did, couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall so quickly and so deeply into something I had known would never last past the final, fading days of summer.
Buried somewhere beneath the feelings I had never wanted to allow myself to feel, I knew that I would have to forget about them, knew that I would have to pretend like saying goodbye to him wasn't going to rip my heart into tiny, microscopic pieces. I had to do this not only for myself, but for Nathan as well; I couldn't bear to let him fall for me when I knew nothing could ever come of it. So, I rationalized, my intentions were not selfish; in fact, they were pretty damn selfless.
Still, I knew that I had to figure out why he had been missing for the past three days, but most of all I just wanted to see him again, wanted to kiss him and hold him and laugh with him before it was time for me to go and leave everything behind.
Giving my room a final, lingering glance, I grabbed the key to Nathan's flat and headed out into the storm, nothing but time stretching endlessly ahead of me.
"Excuse me, miss? Can I see your pass, please?"
I froze, my heartbeat quickening as the officer's voice penetrated my ears. I was standing just outside of Nathan's building, preparing to enter the wide glass doors. That officer hadn't been there before, my mind was reeling; I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
"My pass?" I repeated, dumbfounded.
"Your pass to get into the building," he replied curtly, his voice laced with agitation. "I can't let you in without one."
"But I've been here loads of times before and I've never been asked to show any kind of pass," I said, a slight hint of panic beginning to creep its way into my voice.
He stared at me for a few moments, his eyes growing darker with each passing second. "I'm going to consult the list of approved visitors to check if any of our residents have granted you access to the building. I'll need to take your name."
"Hayley James," I replied, almost without thinking. I watched him nod and turn, muttering, "You stay here," as he walked away.
The minutes seemed to pass like hours; everything suddenly seemed as though it were moving in slow motion, time moving along in a slow, agonizing crawl. My mind could not wrap itself around the idea that I might not be allowed to enter Nathan's building, the place in which I had spent so much time since I had arrived in Tree Hill. Nothing was making sense, everything running through my mind in rapid succession, bleeding together in blurs of color.
I watched with increasing apprehension as the officer approached me once more, his face surprisingly impassive. I could see annoyance lingering behind the cool surface of his eyes, barely detectable but still there, cleverly masked by a calm exterior.
"I'm sorry, miss, but your name isn't on the list." He stood there for a moment, seemingly waiting for me to turn and walk away.
"What do you mean it's not on the list? My boyfriend lives in there!" I shouted, my cheeks tinged pink. My anger was rapidly bubbling to the surface.
"I'm sure he does, ma'am," he said, rolling his eyes. "Kindly leave, or I will have to have you escorted from the premises."
"Look!" I said, fishing in my pocket for the small, gold-plated key to Nathan's flat. "I have a key!" I held the shiny object up in emphasis, the officer's eyes narrowing slightly.
"And to which flat in this building does that key belong?" he asked snidely, appearing extremely annoyed.
"My boyfriend's," I replied. "Nathan Scott."
He let out a snort of laughter, shaking his head slightly. "Do you know how many times I've heard that story?"
"It's not a story!" I cried, outraged. "It's the truth!"
"I'm sorry, miss. I can't let you inside of the building. You do not have a pass, and your name is not on the list of approved visitors. And if you do not turn and walk away now, I will have you removed from the grounds."
Letting out a small shriek of frustration, I turned and stomped away from the posh building, yanking my cell phone out of my pocket and dialing Nathan's number. On the fifth ring, I heard his voice, quiet and low: "Hello?"
"What the hell is going on, Nathan?" I raged into the phone, positively furious. "I'm standing outside of your building and I can't get inside because I'm not on the list of approved visitors!"
There was silence for several moments, so long and endless that I felt compelled to break it. "Of course, this wouldn't have happened if you had actually been around the past few days! I left you message after message on your phone, but apparently you're unable to dial a number and call me back!"
"I'll be down in a moment. Wait there." And without another word, the line went dead.
I stared at my phone in disbelief, my head spinning, unable to fully comprehend what was going on. Nothing within my realm of understanding was making sense.
After several long minutes, Nathan materialized from the large glass doors, his hair messy and unkempt, his eyes lacking their usual sparkle. He was speaking quietly to the officer, and I watched as he nodded and shot sideways glances at me out of the corner of his eye. I stood aside, feeling incredibly foolish and somewhat ostracized, as though I were something put on display for the whole world to stare and point at.
Finally Nathan was walking toward me, his eyes unfamiliar as they swept over me, clear, shining blue now replaced with a dark, haunting intensity I had never seen within them before. He did not smile or embrace me as he approached; instead, he merely nodded and motioned for me to follow him inside of the building, his eyes never catching mine once we had stepped through the glass doors.
We traveled the length to his flat in complete silence; there were so many things I wanted to say to him, shout at him, but I held my tongue, almost afraid of what would happen when I let those words fall from my lips. I kept my eyes averted from him, knowing that if I let them linger too long I would open up and the shouting would commence.
After what seemed like an eternity spent in a silent hell, we reached the door to his flat. He extracted his key from his pocket and slipped it into the lock, and with painstaking realization I discovered that our keys no longer matched. He had changed the locks.
I followed him into the flat, fighting desperately against the lump forming within my throat. I couldn't cry, not because I was in his presence but because there wasn't supposed to be anything to cry about. None of this was supposed to matter, none of it was supposed to make me feel the way I was feeling. None of it was supposed to have veered off course, but as I stood there in his living room, I knew that we were a long way from a straight and narrow path; maybe we had never even been on one to begin with.
As the minutes slowly slid past me, I found that the silence was unbearable. I opened my mouth to speak, but Nathan beat me to it, his voice flat and emotionless.
"So what do you want?"
I stood back and stared at him, feeling as though I had just been slapped. I couldn't understand how he could stand there and act so cold toward me after everything that had happened between us. So when I opened my mouth to speak, my words were laced with anger and hurt despite my best efforts to mask the feelings that were running rampant through my veins.
"What I want," I began, my voice considerably louder than I had intended, "is to know where the hell you've been for the past three days."
"Oh, around," he replied airily, his voice still flat and monotonous. "Driving. I stopped by Peyton's house the other day, by the way. But I suppose you were too busy telling everyone that our relationship meant nothing to you to really notice."
"Ignoring the fact that you were spying on me," I said, my voice shaking, "I never said that. I said that what we have is a summer romance! I thought you understood that!"
"Oh yeah, I understand now," he spat, his eyes hardening. "I understand that all of this was just a bloody fling to you!"
"So that's what all of this is about?" I yelled, my face reddening. "The ignored calls, the changed locks, the refusal to let me into the building?"
He remained silent, but I didn't need to hear him speak; I continued on, almost completely ignoring the expression splashed across his face.
"You knew where this relationship was going when we got into it," I said loudly. "You knew that I was leaving at the end of the summer. You knew that I was going to NYU. You knew that I wasn't staying here in Tree Hill with you! So the fact that you're so surprised is no one's fault but your own! Maybe you should have paid closer attention when I told you that this relationship was over as soon as I stepped foot into the airport to go back home!"
"So now, after everything that's happened, you're still willing to throw everything that we have away?" he shouted, taking a few steps closer to me. "You're still willing to lie to yourself about how you feel about me?"
"Contrary to what you would like to believe, Nathan, I am not in love with you!"
To my surprise, Nathan grinned and let out a loud, hearty laugh, shaking his head slightly in disbelief. I stared at him, open-mouthed, not fully believing the sight before my eyes.
"With as much as our relationship has progressed within the past two months, I should think that you would be a bit more open to admitting your feelings. I should think that you'd be a bit more willing to make this relationship work, despite the distance factor."
"I don't let myself fall for people, Nathan!" I yelled, infuriated. "I don't allow myself to become emotionally involved because it's a waste of time, an open invitation to be hurt!"
"Well then I must be a fool, because I'm in love with you! And I know beneath that stubbornness you love me, too!" He was standing so close to me, mere inches separating us; his lips were dangerously close to mine, and I knew what he was going to do. But I turned away, unable to put myself through that hell; I shielded myself from him, hiding my tear-filled eyes.
"I don't love you," I whispered, my chest burning fiercely.
"You do!" he exclaimed, and I could see the desperation, the aching in his eyes. "You do, or else you wouldn't be standing here right now, wondering where I've been, why I haven't been around!"
"All I wanted to know was why you were being a complete and total asshole!" I screamed, my eyes burning with fury; all I wanted was to get away from there, but something was holding me back, keeping me rooted to the spot.
"EXACTLY!" he shouted, his own eyes brimming with tears of frustration. "If you didn't love me, didn't care about me in the least, then it wouldn't have mattered to you if I was gone in the first place!"
His words were hitting me like a brick to the head, hard and sharp, blinding and deafening. I couldn't look at him anymore, not after those words had left his lips. I couldn't bear to stand there, tears staining my cheeks, hands trembling, knowing that he was right, but realizing that I wouldn't, couldn't admit that he was. Because that's not how life worked, not mine at least; nothing ever ended with a fairytale, and expecting a happy ending was almost as foolish as believing in them.
I looked deep into his eyes, my chest burning even more fiercely than it had before; within them I found so many things I never wanted to let go of, but I knew as I stood there that I would have to. I gave him a sad, heartbroken glance before I turned and walked out of the flat, leaving nothing but regret in my wake.