Chapter 25

My eyes fling open before it registers that someone is knocking. "Hey are you going to sleep all day," Clint says while walking into my room. "I'm hungry but I can't eat without my breakfast buddy."

I sit up and yawn. "Sorry, what time is it?"

"It's almost eleven o'clock."

"Whoa, really?"

"Yeah. You hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Good because I decided to bring breakfast to you."

Clint makes himself comfortable at the foot of my bed handing me a bowl of cereal after fully sitting up. We eat and talk enjoying our time together. "So, next week, I'm going to be taking some time off, spending some time at home with my family. I was wondering if you want to come with me."

Images of Clint's children with angry expressions and Laura asking me to leave run through my mind, immediately igniting my anxiety. "I do, but maybe you should just go. I know you've been spending a lot of time with me already."

"Everyone's been asking about you. They want you to come. We're planning to play outside a lot and have a picnic on the fourth with fireworks."

The innocuous word with a hidden meaning rings in my ears as the blood drains from my face. "Oh, a picnic."

"What's wrong?" Clint asks seeing the change in me.

I shake my head, avoiding eye contact, not wanting to talk about it.

"Ok, well, no picnics. We will have lots of other things to do."

"What if I get, you know, emotional and stuff? Or what if…maybe I should stay here this time."

"Alright, it's ok. If you want to wait and go another time, you can do that. It's up to you, ok?"

I nod, but Clint's reassurances do little to quiet the panic brewing inside. "I'm going to take a shower." I get up quickly and start to walk toward the bathroom.

"Jamie…" hearing my name, I stop moving but pause before turning around. Clint comes over to me and gives me a hug. I feel scared, tense, not giving in to the hug, not letting it wash over me. I think Clint notices because he calls for Nat to come with me to the bathroom. I grumble not wanting to be restricted by Nat's presence. Clint releases me from the hug, then seeing that I'm not looking at him, tips my chin toward him. I continue to avoid eye contact. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. You don't have to right now, but I want you to talk to me more about this, let me know what's bothering you. Ok? will you do that for me?"

I nod while looking away, not wanting him to see the tears that are threatening to fall. Clint doesn't release the hug until Nat enters the room but as soon as he does, I dart into the bathroom wanting a few moments to myself. Nat and Clint talk in the hallway but I can't make out what they're saying. 'Ugh,' So annoying, they're always having little talks about me!

Moments later, Nat skulks into the bathroom taking me off-guard, "You doing ok?"

After recovering from being startled, I sigh, "I'm fine."

"What happened with you and Clint?"

Argh, leave me alone, "I want to shower first, then maybe talk about it later."

"Alright, I will be here if you need me." Nat busies herself in my closet and bathroom organizing clothing, putting dirty clothes in the hamper and cleaning the counter. I appreciate that she tries to make it less awkward. Being my only reprieve, I remain in the shower for a long time, letting the water run over me. "You doing ok in there?"

"I'm fine, just enjoying the shower."

"Ok," Nat says, understanding what I mean.

After steeling myself for the imminent faceoff, I turn off the water, get dressed and walk with Nat to the living room. As expected, Clint, Steve and Tony are waiting for me, not doubt preparing to pounce on me. "Feeling better?" Clint asks.

I nod still unable to make eye contact. I need to learn to fake feeling happy. "Let's talk about what happened." My heart sinks at Clint's suggestion.

"Jamie?" Steve interjects to encourage me to talk.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say, apprehensively, breathing faster, trying to hold back tears.

Steve sits next to me, wrapping his arm around me then repositioning so we are more in a snuggling position. I go with it but the dread that I feel keeps me from really enjoy it. "Ok, now, Clint asked if you wanted to go with him to his house. How did you feel about that?"

"I'll go if you want me to." I say, defeated.

"That's not what I asked. You don't have to go. I just want you to talk about why you don't want to go."

"Couple reasons, I guess. I don't want them to wish I wasn't there if Clint spends time with me and I'm afraid that I will get crazy and then they will want me to leave and what if I scare them or hurt them with my mind thing?" The words spew from my mouth unbidden.

"Ok, so you're afraid that they will reject you? Like you might lose them as your family if something happens to us?"

I nod.

"You need to spend time with them, you need to get to know them. And, they need to get to know you."

"Yeah, I guess. But, I already know that they won't like me, not after they spend time with me."

"What do you mean?" Steve asks.

"I don't know, I just feel like they won't like me."

"Ok." Steve decides to move on, knowing that he won't change my mind. "Clint also mentioned that you were upset when he mentioned a picnic."

Unconsciously, my body tenses. Steve notices my reaction and squeezes the hug tighter. Steve hesitates, not sure if he should broach the subject. "Why don't you like picnics?"

"My mom and sister…we were having a picnic in the park when they…when…" I feel myself start to shut down.

"Ok, I get it. You don't need to say any more about that if you don't want to." Steve senses that he is losing me so he attempts to redirect and calm me. "What are some things that you might like to do while you're at Clint's house?"

I don't respond. I am stuck in the park, memories flashing, running through my mind like an old-time movie.

"Jamie," Steve says with some force, sitting me up so he can look directly at me. He tries to capture my gaze, but I don't really see him. He sighs, knowing that I passed my tolerance then repositions me back into a snuggle and wraps both arms around me kissing the top of my head. "You're ok now. You are here with us. You are loved and safe and protected."

With his warm, tender hug and soft words, I feel myself becoming more present. "I know." Steve pauses for a moment then hugs me tighter and places another kiss on the top of my head, but this kiss is a happy kiss not the sad trying to make me feel better kind.

Nat goes to my room to retrieve my new teddy bear then hands it to me. I accept the gift and snuggle the bear while Steve snuggles me.

"Thanks for talking to us," Steve hums. "Maybe you should go to Clint's house for an afternoon instead of planning to go for a week. What do you think Clint?"

"Yeah, great idea," Clint responds. "What do you think Jamie?"

I nod.

"We should host a barbeque for July 4th at our house. Everyone can come for the afternoon then, if you want, stay for some fireworks."

"Thanks, Clint. Maybe you should check with Laura first though," Steve suggests.

"She actually already suggested it."

"Let's do it. Jamie, are you ok with that?"

I nod, excited about the idea of all of us celebrating the holiday together.

Although a couple hours have past, I haven't been able to completely shake the scared feeling. It's so frustrating that I can't even go to my room unless someone is with me so I end up sitting on the bench seat of the bay window in the kitchen longing for outside with the green grass and the lake. Not being allowed to leave the building or even be in a room alone, I feel like a prisoner. That's it! I'm either going to my room or I'm going outside to the lake. Steve notices me stalking out of the kitchen but, with my emotional state, he decides to addresses my departure gently, "Hey, where are you going?"

I don't respond, knowing that if I talk then I will get stuck having to talk more but all I want to do right now is leave. Steve quickly catches up with me, stepping around me so my path is blocked. Crossing my arms, I growl in anger and frustration. Steve asks again, "Where are you going?"

My lips remain sealed as tight as my arms are folded across my chest. "Come on," Steve says while trying to physically redirect me back to the main living areas. Desperate to avoid Steve's intervention, I drop to the ground and sit propped up against the wall, tears spring from my eyes unwelcomed. I'm not sure why I'm crying or why I'm refusing to talk. I'm just irritated and want to get in trouble. After thinking for a few moments about what to do, Steve joins me on the floor. "So, what's up?"

I curl my legs up so my knees are against my chest and I wrap my arms around my legs, placing my face in the crevice between my knees. "Jamie, what happened?"

I don't respond.

"Jamie…" Steve is frustrated, not knowing what happened. He sighs heavily then gives me some time alone.

As soon as Steve turns the corner, I take advantage of the moment, heading to the closest exit. The warm air and bright sun feel good on my skin, it's refreshing like the first drink after a long run. There's also an excitement about breaking this rule, being in danger, rebelling, and the possibility of punishment.

I'm sure that I only have a few minutes before they come after me but until then I'm going to enjoy the façade of freedom. Since the back of the building only has windows along the top floor, I choose this route hoping it will afford me a few extra minutes. There's about thirty yards of grass then a thick layer of woods that forms the border of the grounds. I make a run for it crossing the threshold of the forest within a short time. I wonder why no one has come for me yet. Maybe they don't care if I leave. The thought leaves sadness in its wake. About five feet passed the tree line, I come across a stump that stands right next to a large tree. The natural chair is the perfect size for me. I curl up again feeling less vulnerable. Being out here, alone in the woods, I feel like I finally have a chance to think.

Flashes from the memory loop, from the boy, from Cross and the guard, continually assault my senses. I can see, feel, smell, hear, and taste everything from that day. Unconsciously, I begin to rock, trying to calm myself, unable to stop the memories from flowing and overwhelming me. 'You are not allowed to move and you are not allowed to talk.' 'Good girl.' Crack, crack, crack. Each sting across my bottom is heard and felt as my mind replays the event. The overwhelming fear that I felt is back in full force. 'See, you like this game,' Echoes in my mind over and over.

Someone picks me up, running while carrying me, but I am lost in the memory, hearing and feeling it all, everything seems so real yet I'm vaguely aware of others being around. I try to focus on real life, but the memory is too strong, too loud. All of a sudden, I feel very sleepy. The flashes of memory turn into dreams, awful dreams, reliving snippets from that day.

When I wake, I'm still feeling the memory, pain, fear, and most of all shame. I hear Steve talking but I don't respond, like he's far away. Steve gently runs his fingers through the front and sides of my hair, keeping the lose strands out of my face, rubbing my arm, squeezing my hand. His touch grounds me but I still don't want to talk. My body is paralyzed, too scared to move or to talk, it's natural for me to be like this, there's no effort.

"Can she leave now?" I hear Steve ask the nurse or maybe Bruce, I assume. Where am I going? Away?

"Yes…a close eye…emotional…extra care," I hear only pieces of the nurse talking through the fog of my memories. I'm in the infirmary? Why?

Bruce says something about Hulk. A few moments later, Hulk's strong thick arms wrap around me, picking me up and wrapping me in a blanket. "Jamie be ok," Hulk consoles.

The boy…'Are you allowed to make noise'…crack…pain…'You like playing this game'…smack…'Are you allowed to make noise'…'more please.'

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