Chapter 25

His lips were moving. Jessica could see that; the only problem was nothing he said many any sense to her. It was a jumble of sounds, not words because she couldn't get over the fact that he was standing there. This was the man who had started it all, her insecurities, her fears; they all began the moment he walked out of her life when she was just a child. Looking up she realized he had stopped talking and was waiting her to say something.

"I'm sorry; what?" She asked and he smiled.

"It's okay. I know I probably surprised you, and I'm sorry. Go ahead and take your time. I can wait."

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you. Why are you here?" She asked as the door swung open and Matt came out.

"Oh hey Jess. I was just going to grab some more ice." He stopped when he saw she wasn't alone. Matt panicked as he sized up the gentleman in front of him. Was he the one? He was about to call for Jeff to come out but then he saw her face. This wasn't some stranger. She knew him. "Are you all right?" He asked her but she never broke her gaze and neither did the other guy. Matt stepped in front of her protectively and faced him.

"I'm sorry." Andrew said extending his hand. "I'm Andrew Murdock, her father." Now Matt understood why she looked so uncomfortable.

"Jess, go back inside. It's all right. I'll take care of it." Matt said guiding her to the door.

"No wait. I want to I need to talk to you. Please don't go inside." Andrew reached out for her but Matt knocked his hand away.

"Don't!" Jessica shouted. She touched Matt's shoulder forcing him to look at her. She couldn't continue to rely on him or anyone else to deal with everything for her. She had to start handling this herself. She nudged him gently to the side and faced her father head on.

"Thank you" he told her.

"Thank you? I'm not doing this for you. This has nothing to do with you. What the hell gives you the right to just come prancing up here after all these years?"

"Look, I know this took you for a surprise."

"You don't know anything about me!" She yelled, cutting him off. "How could you? You haven't been there. What did you think was going to happen here? Did you think I would just run up and embrace you? Or maybe I'd just give you a great big hug and say daddy I missed you all is forgiven. Was that it?"

"Well maybe not as easy as you said it but something like that."

"You can definitely forget that. There's no way it's gonna happen." Jessica said determinedly. With each word that she spoke she took a step closer and her voice grew louder. "Do you know why? Because I'm not that ten year old little girl you abandoned. The one who would listen to you shout out all those ugly words and then just accept your apologies when you were all done. It doesn't work that way anymore and that's your fault too. You started it all."

"I was wrong. I had some problems. There was a lot of stress and I didn't know how to handle it. Those things I would say were wrong. I know that now and I probably knew that then. There were too many issues and when it got too much I just turned to other ways to handle it. The alcohol, the violence, it was all too much. I wasn't fair to you or your mother. I just had to get out of there." Her father tried to explain.

"No, I don't want to hear it. You left me! You left me alone to deal with everything. You left me to watch her die. She withered away for two years and I had to witness that alone. Did you know that? Did you even know that Mom was sick? Did you care? I can remember when she died. I was the only one in that hospital room. I held her hand as she let out her last breath and that was it. It was just me." Her voice cracked as the tears came rushing down her face. "I had no one to turn to. No one was there to give me a hug, or tell me everything was going to be okay. Sure the McMahon's came running as soon as they knew but it wasn't enough. All through the funeral I kept expecting you to show up but you didn't. She was your wife."

"Jess, your mother and I…"

"No wait! I'm not done. I didn't get to the best part: Shane. I was terrorized by him for four years, four years. And do you know why? Because I was so desperate for any shred of a family connection that I ignored every sign. I let him control me; take any little piece of self worth that I had left and believe me he took it all." She pulled up her sleeve revealing her scar. She practically shoved it in his face forcing him to take another step back.

"Do you see this? This is how I chose to cope. This was the only thing I could think of to make it all go away and you know what's worse? It wasn't the first time I had thought about it. It was just the one time I actually went ahead and did it. After mom died and you didn't show up I used to spend hours thinking of ways to end it all. I just wanted it all to be over and it almost worked."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Nothing, there's nothing you can say. I don't want your apologies and I don't want any sympathy from you. You weren't there to help me with anything growing up. So, why now? I'm here trying so damn hard to move on and get a small bit of a life that I believe I deserve. Why should I let you waltz back in here? Well screw you! I don't want you here for this!"

She stopped her throat sore from yelling so loudly. She wasn't sure where all that had come from. Andrew now stood in front of her in shock. Apparently he hadn't expected it either. No one had, as she was now aware that several people had come out from inside after hearing her yell. She looked around in panic wondering how much they had seen. The façade she had put up for everyone, showing how strong she was had just come crashing down. Now she stood in front of them raw. Her face wet from her tears she couldn't believe what she had done. All her issues had come out for everyone to see. She stared amongst the faces and while some of them were too embarrassed to make eye contact those who did gave her the look she most dreaded, pity.

With all eyes on her, Jessica felt her anxiety grow. She needed to get out of there before she completely lost it. She could always rush back into the house but they would all follow her and she wasn't ready to deal with everyone. She saw Matt in the corner, still standing where she had left him, his keys in his hand. She walked over to him and he opened his arms prepared to give her a hug. Jessica, however, had other ideas as she snatched the keys from his hand and took off towards his car.

"Damn it!" Matt yelled following after her. He ran to the car and got there just in time to the passenger seat as she pulled the car away. "Christ Jess, can you slow down?" He said when they were on the open road. But she continued to ignore him. He let her go a little further but after they skidded on her right turn he had had enough.

"All right that's it! Stop the car now!" He placed his hand over hers on the wheel, and then spoke more gently. "Jess, it's okay. We're away now. Please stop the car." He let out a sigh of relief as she finally pulled the car over to the side of the road. She rested her head against the steering wheel and just cried. Matt didn't say a word, patting her back until her breathing had steadied.

"I'm sorry." She told him between gulps of air. "I don't know what happened. I just had to get out of there."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I wouldn't even know where to start." She asked as Matt's cell phone rang.

"Hold on a second." He told her knowing that it was Jeff. Someone must have told him what was going on and he could bet his brother was freaking out right now. He quickly answered the phone.

"It's all right. We just stopped along the side of the road. She just needs a second." He said before letting Jeff speak. Jeff wanted to talk to Jessica so Matt handed her the phone.

"I'm so sorry." She started to cry again. "I freaked out in front of everyone and ruined the party."

"Baby, don't even worry about it. I just want to make sure you're okay." Jeff asked.

"No." She admitted. "Is he still there?"

"He's left right after you did. It's a good thing too. There were a lot of angry people ready to kick his ass."

"Just tell me this wasn't part of anyone's surprise."

"Absolutely not." Jeff said. "We would never do that to you. I had no clue he was going to show up. No one did."

"Why would this happen now?"

"Honey, I just don't know." His heart broke as heard her sob. "Look, just come home. I'll get rid of everyone here and we can just chill out. We'll talk about anything you want or we don't even have to talk at all. I just want you here with me. It's gonna be okay."

"It's just too much. I mean, Shane, the rape, the trial, our house and now this? When does it end? I thought I was getting over it. I thought I was moving on. One glimpse at that man and I'm blurting out all my problems in front of everyone."

"Jess, that doesn't matter."

"You weren't there. You didn't see what I did. You didn't hear what I said."

"They're still your friends." He told her. "All they care about is that you're okay."

"But I'm not okay and I don't think I ever will be."

"Yes, you will. Don't ever think like that. You're dad showing up brought a lot back and you let it all out because you needed to. You needed to face everything you've been holding in. You needed to let him know how angry and hurt you are. You've been holding so much in for such a long time it's a wonder you haven't exploded yet. This could be more of a blessing than a curse. The way I see it confronting your past is only going to help you in the long run. Hopefully you'll get to see it the same way." She didn't respond which at least let him know she was thinking about it.

"Look, just take a minute then let Matt drive you home. I'll have everyone out of here."

"Okay." She agreed.

"I love you. Everything will be okay. Now let me talk to Matt." She handed the phone back and after Matt assured Jeff that they would be home shortly he hung up the phone. They sat in silence as Matt struggled for something comforting to say.

"Am I cursed?" Jessica turned to ask him.

"What?"

"Why is it that I can't have something good happen without the next problem crashing down? I keep trying to have this normal life but there's always someone trying to stop me. Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's a test of courage, stuff you have to go through to have the life you want."

"Yea well it sucks," She said. "And it's not fair."

"But Jess, no one said life is fair. Believe me, I know you have been through more than any person should ever go through and there's going to be more to come. Eventually, when the time is right it stops."

"When?"

"Whenever you're ready. The stronger you get the less effect this will have on you. I'm not saying all pain goes away, just that once you can deal with it more effectively the less it will hurt."

"But how?"

"The only way I know of is with patience and friends. Don't be afraid to let what you're feeling out. You keep holding everything in, wanting to make us think that you're all right. Sure that makes us feel better but it doesn't do anything for you. It's obviously not helping." Matt said. "If you don't take the time to deal with what is happening to you then it's just going to pile up, not get any better."

"I know it's scary." He continued when she didn't respond. "That's why we're here for you. You won't go through it alone, but you do have to go through it. Let us help you."

"I will." She gave him a weak smile. "Or at least I'll try."

"That's good enough for me, for now but do me one more favor?"

"What?"

"When you try to run off again, can you please stop using my car?" Matt smiled trying to make her laugh. Her eyes brightened. "Now what do you say we switch seats and head back home? I still haven't gotten anything to eat." They got out and switched seats and soon Matt had turned the car around and they were heading back home. He had even turned on the radio since she was more relaxed.

"Maybe I should bring my car down from New York. At least then when I want to bail I don't swipe your car."

"Maybe we should. It's been sitting up there for months and you know how I love your mustang." Matt said.

"Sure, then I'll have to watch to make sure you don't start taking my car."

"Man what I could do with that car if you just let me get my hands on it."

"I like my car the way it is. It's cute."

"A mustang is not cute. It's a machine."

"You know I think you're drooling." She teased. Matt glanced over at her.

"Just you wait and see. When I'm done with that car you'll be able to go from zero to 100 in no time flat."

"Yea, because I need that."

"You never know." His face was suddenly lit up by the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Matt look out!" Jessica cried out as the car rapidly came at them. He swerved the car to the right but at the fast speed they were going he wasn't able to keep the car under control. He slammed on his break and the car started to spin off the road. He spun the steering wheel trying to get it under control but nothing was happening.

"Hold on!" He yelled as the car rapidly approached the trees. They braced themselves for impact. The last thing he remembered was Jessica screaming as the car hit the first tree trunk. Then everything went silent.