AN: I have no idea where this chapter came from, but I'm not mad at it :)
Katniss was hungry.
She swears that the rapacious appetite that she's developed during her pregnancy trumps any hunger pangs she may have had from even her bleakest moments of starvation.
"It's funny how no matter how much we have, we're still guided by our most basic needs," she reasons to herself, when she subconsciously finds her feet leading her to the dining hall.
Though almost all of Thirteen's residents had specific meal times, Katniss was granted the privilege of obtaining food whenever she liked. At first she assumed it was out of some sort of preferential Mockingjay treatment, but she soon realized that in fact it was an accommodation allotted to those that were pregnant and young children. With so few of them in the district, special care was given to maintain their health.
There's an elderly lady that mans the food line during off hours and she smiles when she sees Katniss approaching. She lifts her hand gesturing for Katniss to wait and disappears behind the doors to the kitchen.
She reemerges seconds later with a covered plate.
"Here you go dearie," she says, unveiling two warm rolls, a pad of butter and some jam.
"That husband of yours said to make sure you got this," she winks.
Laughing, Katniss accepts the plate.
"Thank you, Marta. Would you like some? I can share."
"Oh no, no, you go ahead. Now that your boy's in the kitchen, we're all eating better," she smiles.
In only a couple of weeks, the pallid visage of the underground districts residents had started to brighten once the Mellark men had taken over in the kitchen. Wanting to pull their weight after they'd recovered, Peeta's father and brother had asked if they could assist in meal preparations. Once the staff realized what the two men could truly do with a little flour and sugar, they'd quickly been moved to the forefront.
Peeta wanting to be close to his remaining family and wanting the escapism that baking permitted, has taken to joining them whenever his schedule will allow.
Under their combined skills, the district had begun to fatten up, albeit marginally. The once poor excuse for the daily bread allotment was soon replaced with loaves somehow superior, even with the same old ingredients, a testament to their expertise.
And while supplies were of course rationed as there was no excess for things like daily cookies or cakes, once in a while everyone was treated to a Mellark confection.
Though Katniss herself had been known to get her very own treats on a pretty regular basis, baked and secreted away by her husband.
But as she peers at the giant steel doors, she knows that Peeta isn't behind them today.
He's in training right now and has been for weeks.
And while she's been enjoying his newly acquired muscles, she worries at what all this training means in the long run. With her due date approaching and plans to seize the nut imminent, she's terrified that Coin would be shipping him out with the rest of the soldiers.
"One thing at a time," she thinks.
Her brain and nerves can only handle so much stress at any given time and right now all she wants is to devour her snack and maybe take a nap before her next meeting.
She spots a familiar head across the dining hall and makes her way over.
"Katniss, my dear!" Effie grins, gesturing for her to join them.
Even weeks after their arrival, Katniss still catches herself when she sees Effie.
Now devoid of any signs of the Capital's affectations, she'd been floored by how pretty her former escort truly was. That hidden behind all those layers of makeup were eyes of the palest blue; nearly clear and a creamy complexion dotted with freckles right across her nose bridge. Bereft of her ridiculously coloured wigs, it was also discovered that she had lovely blonde curls from whence her son had clearly inherited his.
Speaking of sons, little Elgin sits in his mother's lap, originally hidden from view by her body. From the looks of it, Effie has been attempting to get him to eat. Though one look at his plate and Katniss quickly deduces that it might not be the easiest of tasks.
"Hi Elgin," Katniss greets, smiling at the child from across the table.
He looks up at her with his big grey eyes and not for the first time does she wonder whether her daughter might look a little like him. The combination of his features eerily paralleling hers and Peeta's.
"Hi Aunty Katniss," he responds gloomily, and Effie takes the opportunity to try and put a spoonful of some kind of stew in his mouth. At the sight of which, he immediately clamps his lips shut and buries his face in his mother's chest.
"Elgi…" Effie sighs.
"Why won't he eat?" Katniss asks.
"He's been having some adjustment issues. He's not accustomed to this…" Effie trails off, hands gesturing around. "And we've been having some trouble getting him to eat. The food is… not what he's used to," she adds, hugging his body to hers a little tighter.
Katniss nods.
Though Effie and Haymitch have yet to disclose the full history of their relationship to her and Peeta, they had managed to learn that their child had been living with Effie's sister and her senator husband in the Capital. Though he knew that they weren't his real parents, Elgin had been treated like their own and grew up with the finer things that their lavish lifestyle could provide.
The bowl of brown glob in front of him would definitely not be considered lavish by any means.
"Baby, just have a little more," Effie pleads and he looks at the food with furrowed brows and shakes his head.
Effie exhales, the sound laced with exasperation and drops the spoon back into the bowl resting her head atop her son's curls.
But while she looks away, Katniss notes that Elgin watches her with open hunger as she spreads jam on half of one of the buns with interest.
"Do you want some of this instead?" She asks him and he nods his head vigorously in agreement.
The movement jars Effie and she looks up.
"That's for Aunty Katniss honey. You have to eat your food."
"It's okay Eff. He can have some," she says. Smirking when he takes the proffered food from her outstretched hand and shoves the entire piece into his mouth.
"Elgin, where are your manners?" His mother asks.
"Fank oo," he mumbles around his food, smiling when Katniss leans across the table to wipe a smear of jam off the corner of his mouth.
"Would you like some more?" She inquires.
He looks up at his mother and though decorum dictate that she decline, she acquiesces with a nod and he scrambles off her lap, darting around the table to Katniss. Effie in turn casts a grateful looks towards her victor.
It's when he attempt to settle in Katniss' lap that she notes the stuffed elephant in his hands and smirks, realizing that at nearly 5 (younger than she'd previously thought) he's still so very young.
"Your tummy is in the way," he tells her after he fails to climb on to her lap.
"Elgin!" Effie admonishes.
"It's okay," Katniss laughs.
Turning to the young boy she adds, "You're not wrong. The baby is taking up a lot of space. But, after she's born, then you can sit on my lap all you want."
He takes the information in nodding thoughtfully.
"Wait, is Mama's belly going to get that big too?" He asks.
"Well yeah," Katniss replies. "As the baby gets bigger, her tummy will grow so that the baby will have room."
He looks over at his mother in alarm.
"But then I won't be able to cuddle with her," he whimpers, his breathing becoming shallow and his lower lids quickly pooling.
"Aww, baby come here," Effie cries, ushering him back over to her.
She lifts him back on to her lap, his little legs resting on either side of her waist. She cradles him against her, gently rocking him from side to side.
"You can always cuddle with me no matter what. Even if my belly gets as big as the world. We'll find a way okay?" She promises, kissing his head in confirmation of her words.
Katniss looks over at the pair wistfully. She hopes that she will be as good a mother as Effie is. So accustomed to the more uptight aspects of her Escort's personality, she was pleasantly surprised to see how warm and genuinely maternal the woman was. It was incredibly telling that though her son had been raised by others, he was clearly very attached to her.
"Mama?" Elgin asks after several minutes, his voice no longer shaky with tears.
"Yes…"
"Can I go get more bread now?"
Effie chuckles, "Of course, just be careful not to squish your aunt. How about you sit next to her instead of on her, hmm?"
He quickly dashes back over to Katniss with glee.
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"Want to tell me what's been on your mind?" Effie asks her.
Startled she looks up at the older woman, whose eyebrows are raised in question.
They'd just left the dining hall and Effie was carrying a now sleeping Elgin back to their room and Katniss had decided to accompany them.
"Katniss, I think I know you well enough now to know when something is bothering you."
She bites her lip pensively wondering if she should share her problems. Figuring that she could use another voice of advice other than the ones currently at war in her mind, she relents.
"I'm worried about Peeta."
"Oh, is he hurt or in trouble?"
"Well no…"
"Is it general worry for his wellbeing or is there something else going on that I'm not aware of?" Effie questions.
"It's just that he's been training so much lately and while we've been told it's more precautionary than anything else… I'm concerned that Coin is going to send him into battle."
Effie sighs, "Welcome to being a wife during war time."
Katniss huffs in response.
"It's not enough that we have to worry about the everyday things with our husbands, but during times like these, you become well acquainted with an almost permanent knot of discontent that sits in your stomach. I would know. Mine's been steadily growing over the last decade or so."
"How do you deal with it though? The fear, the anxiety?"
Pausing she watches as Effie shrugs Elgin's sleeping form up as he'd begun to slip down.
"Should you be carrying him in your condition Eff?" She asks.
Effie peers down at her son, sweeping his hair from off of his face before planting a kiss on him.
"I can't help it. This is the first time in five years that I've been allowed to be a mother for more than a handful of hours at a time. My arms have ached to hold him for so long that I'll take any discomfort that I have now."
Effie's confession is a sobering thought and Katniss wonders out loud at how she managed to be away from both her husband and her son so much of the time.
"Well, with Haymitch, it was hard, but I'd grown accustomed to only seeing him a handful of weeks every year. After we began a relationship, he tried to do more Victor type activities that would bring him to the Capital. With this one though…" she nods down at her son, "the pain of not seeing him or being near him nearly drove me crazy."
Arriving at her and Haymitch's room, Katniss opens the door for her as Effie's hands are otherwise occupied. She enters the family's small compartment and takes a seat on their couch.
Tilting her head so that she could see into the adjoining room, she watches as Effie tries to lay Elgin on his cot, struggling for a moment as he holds on tight to his mother. She observes Effie whispering to him gently and his arms finally relent their grip from around her neck. She covers him with a blanket before joining Katniss.
"Is he alright?" She asks.
"Yes, it seems were both having some separation anxiety now that we're finally together."
A gentle quietness falls between them and Katniss is just about to bring up Peeta again when Effie breaks the silence.
"When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Escorts aren't allowed to have children. If anyone had found out, I would have been terminated."
"Would that have been so bad though; to be fired?" Katniss queries.
"No, my dear. Termination does not mean fired," Effie adds, looking at Katniss beseechingly.
"Ohh…" she retracts, her mind quickly remembering Seneca Crane's 'termination' from the year before.
Effie nods morosely.
"Eff, I can't even imagine what that must have been like. Did you ever consider… you know…"
"Not having him?" Effie continues. "I would be lying if I said no. But, at the end of the day I couldn't bring myself to do it."
Katniss squeezes her hand in solidarity, remembering back to when she faced a similar situation just months before.
"I didn't have much time to decide either because I was in denial that I was even expecting for so long. Then before I knew it, he was here I needed to protect him at all costs."
"Is that when you decided to give him to your sister?"
"Yes and no. I contemplated trying to do it on my own for a little while before reality stepped in and I realized that that was an impossible dream. But, when I held him in my arms, it just felt like I could do anything. He was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen and he was all mine," she says, featuring relaxing into a state of wistful nostalgia.
"When Calliope realized how much I was struggling, she and Stannich offered to take him in. It was the best solution that I or Haymitch could hope for honestly. With him close by, I could visit under the pretense of the adoring aunt and it wouldn't raise too many red flags. The ruse itself was fraught with danger though even with everyone sworn to secrecy. But, I could not stay away. Especially since my body yearned for him."
Sniffling, Katniss noticed that Effie had begun to shake with repressed emotion and was trying hard to keep the deep pools of tears welling in her lids from spilling over.
"I would have to sneak around like a thief in the night; stealing over to their house just so that I could nurse my baby."
Effie takes a minute as the retelling has clearly brought up old sensations and Katniss grabs a tissue from a nearby box and passes it over.
"The worst was when I'd have to miss a couple of days here and there because of my work obligations. My absence would not have gone unnoticed, especially during the Games season. I used to have this paralyzing fear that he would forget me. The first time that he turned away from my breast- I cried for a week."
"Oh, Eff…" Katniss consoles, her chest tightening in painful sympathy.
"Haymitch used to joke that I was too possessive of him because I nursed him well past when he should've been weaned," she laughs weakly. "I just couldn't bear him thinking that I'd abandoned him."
Overwhelmed by the confession, Katniss takes a moment to blot at her own tears, attempting to give Effie some time to herself as well, she's surprised when the Escort grips her hand.
Turning to her, she looks up in question.
"I want you to know my dear that Haymitch and I, hell all the rebels did what we did, made the sacrifices that we made because hope painted us a glimpse at what our futures could look like. I will always feel guilty about what I missed out with Elgin, but if it affords your little girl- and mine," she rubs her belly affectionately, "a safer place in this world, then it was worth it."
"We may be able to secure their futures, but what about their father's?" Katniss queries.
"You're worried about Peeta going into combat," Effie states, rather than asks.
"It's not so much the going in that I'm worried about, but the coming out. Training can physically prepare him for battle, but you and I both know that Peeta isn't a fighter. I'm afraid that his innate kindness will earn him a bullet."
"Katniss, my dear. You are forgetting one very important detail here."
"And that is….?"
"Just how important you are to the cause. My darling girl, you can request most anything you want and they'll have to oblige. You are the face of this rebellion. Without you, they'd lose the biggest motivation they have. If you don't want something then demand it so. Use that fiery determination that we all adore."
Katniss looks at her in doubt.
Chuckling, Effie adds, "Katniss, this rebellion has been in the works since before you were born. It was going to happen regardless of whether you or Peeta had ever come along. It was just a matter of when. But, that moment in the arena when you pulled out those berries? That was the spark that we've needed for years. It helped to motivate even the most reluctant of citizens. That's why when I say you have a voice in what happens, I mean it. So go, speak to Haymitch or even Coin herself about your wants. Just remember to take that girl who nearly died for her convictions with you."
AN: I sincerely want to thank everyone that has stuck with this story over the last year and some months. I genuinely appreciate every like, follow and favorite that it has earned. This story still has a little ways to go, so I hope I can continue to keep your attention.
P.S- A giant thank you to ALL of my reviewers. Seeing that someone took the time to let me know how they feel means the world to me. This message is especially important for my guest reviewers as I cannot message you guys back with my thanks, so for that I'm sorry.
But, keep the comments coming though!