Chapter 24: Fatherly Concern

JPOV

"Can I come in?" he asked, and I turned down the volume of the music as an affirmative sign. I can hear him just fine with the music out loud, but it just seems more polite.

I wondered what would bring Carlisle out here to the cabin, feeling very fatherly and concerned. I hoped with all my might that he didn't find out about me kissing my brother's girl. I tried so hard to be a worthy part of his family, and now I might just end up ripping it apart.

But how could he have discovered this suddenly, two days after it had happened?

As he stepped in and pulled a chair next to bed I was sitting on, I suddenly found myself very interested in a crack in the floor.

"We have some things to talk about," he started and I was confused that his main feelings were still concern instead of anger.

I simply nodded without looking up.

"First of all I want to discuss your diet," he said. At this my head snapped up and as I looked directly at him, a brilliant smile lit up his face and he filled with pride.

I couldn't help but smile back and be equally proud of my golden eyes.

"I knew you have been trying and succeeding," he continued, "but I didn't know the eye color would change back so fast."

"I've been drinking lots and lots of animals," I explained. I didn't add that I had been anxiously waiting for Bella to see my changing eyes.

"Part of why I came down here was to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts. We had tolerated your more natural habits, because we all understood your loss, but obviously I think it's a very good idea to grow back into our way of life. It wouldn't have worked in the long term while not being a nomad."

I understood what he meant and I always knew that. If I kept drinking humans, eventually I would have to leave the Cullens. Realizing that Carlisle pointed me at this, made me even more relieved that I was handling this rehab thing pretty well. Of course I did have help from a former friend…

"I didn't tell you yet, because I was afraid…" I trailed off.

"I understand. And you still might slip up. But that's okay. The most important thing is that even when that happens you keep trying. Even though things might get harder now."

I looked at him curiously and his concern took over again. I couldn't figure it out, if he knew about me kissing Bella, surely his main emotion would be anger, or disappointment. Or maybe even disgust. Not these fatherly worries.

"Look Jasper, I know your feelings are none of my business, and you can tell me to bud out, but I know how you feel about Bella and how confused you must be. And I'm afraid I have some news that might be rather unpleasant for you."

Now my curiosity was definitely peaked, along with the shock at Carlisle simply stating that he knew I loved Bella. He didn't seem to accuse me though.

I opened my mouth to protest, but I knew already that any attempt to deny would only look ridiculous. He was absolutely certain. He simply waited for me to catch up and then I asked "what news?"

"About Bella and Edward being engaged," he answered softly.

"What?" I exclaimed. Last thing I knew she had been so angry with him that she was in tears and now they are getting married?

"They announced it yesterday and Esme agreed to throw them an engagement party next weekend. I'm sorry Jasper. This must be confusing for you."

He didn't say that this must hurt me, because he knew I should be happy for them both, but his apprehensiveness showed me that he knew very well that I was.

"And you want me to come?" I croaked.

"I believe you would regret not coming," he cornered me.

"Does everybody know?" I asked and he knew I didn't mean the engagement.

"Rose and Emmett don't know I think. I believe Edward and Bella do. And me and Esme…"

I should have known. Living for years and years so close together, would make that the good parent figures know what going on with their 'children'.

"How long?"

"For a while now. Honestly, and I am aware that this is not helping you, me and Esme thought that somehow she would choose you and our major concern had been Edward, because we don't know how he would cope. I doubt that he would see how you and her are actually more compatible."

I gasped and tried to come up with something to say, but I was dumbfounded. Carlisle and Esme actually believed that I should be with Bella. They would have understood if I had taken my brother's girl.

"But," he interrupted my train of thought, "love is hardly a science. And apparently she has made her choice. And we have to respect that."

"Of course," I said, defeated.

I would respect her choice, but now the news was slowly growing in my brains, there were some things that didn't really make sense. If she had announced it yesterday, she must have gone back to Edward after our kiss. Gone back and made it up to him, forget about her dream to become a vampire and simply give in. Somehow that doesn't sound like Ellie. I had felt how much she loved me, how much she gave herself to me in that kiss, and how very strongly she felt about turning.

"This isn't right," I whispered. And the pity I felt from Carlisle almost became unbearable. "Don't feel sorry for me. I didn't imagine this. She loves me back, she has for some time. She can't marry him."

"I'm sorry Jasper. I'm sure you are right about her loving you back, but it's her life and she chooses to be with him. I am fairly certain that she loves him in equal amounts if not more."

His words stabbed me like knives, because I knew very well they were true. And now there was absolutely nothing left I could do to change it.

I started thinking about things I could have said or done to keep this from happening, to let her know how I felt, what we could have together. But in fact I've done all I could and more. I have been there for her whenever she needed me, I let her comfort me through the darkest times, I changed my diet just for her. I helped her be intimate with Edward for Christ sake.

And now, now I finally made my move, kissed her and told her I love her, she runs to him and gets engaged. That makes me believe that any other or sooner attempt from my side would have ended much the same. With her running to him. Filled with guilt.

I had lost this battle before it even started, and I knew Carlisle was actually here to ask me to stop fighting.

We sat like this in silence for a long time, both deep into thought. His pity faded and was replaced with concern again.

"I'll be at the party," I finally decided.

For my friendship with her I would fight. We would have to forget about that wonderful moment in each other's arms and about the love we both held, and try our hardest to keep our connection, as friends. I need her, simple as that. And I thought she needed me too, so she would try as well, right?

"Good," he answered and then added carefully "if all goes well, we can perhaps toast to golden eyes as well."

Right, the eyes...

How was I supposed to keep strong now? Not feeding on humans? Now I had realized I loved my best friend and lost her at the same time?

As if he could feel my despair - maybe I had been projecting - he said "it would mean very much for me and Esme. I wish she could see you now, but I'll keep it a surprise for Saturday. She worries very much about you, has been constantly the last year, and now this… You could set her mind at peace by this gift."

He played his part well. Knowing I wouldn't hold back for the helpless humans, but asking me to do it for my poor mother, who's heart was breaking for my hurt.

"I'll try my hardest, Carlisle."

For Bella as well. She has seen my eyes and I don't want to ruin her buzz by showing up at her party red eyed and adding some more guilt to her confused mind.

AN: So Bella made up her mind... Share your thoughts please...