Thanks for all the reviews and sharing you've done with Shakayla and I - we both appreciate it :)
In this chapter, Clarisse and Joseph recap for Doc Weston what happened at the beach house visit and, a turn of events, allows them a little respite from the angst they've been enduring. The calm gives them a chance for a little more honestly with each other and about their future.
Chapter 24
"Since We're Being Honest…"
April 6
Dr. Weston took in the appearance of his two patients, an interesting combination of tension and calm. With these two, he'd learned it was best to just dive in. "Joseph, tell me how things went at the beach house."
Joseph recapped the highlights from their arrival up to the point of their argument. Dr. Weston nodded and looked to Clarisse. "What did you argue about?"
Clarisse exhaled slowly. More and more she felt like a recalcitrant child being called into the principal's office. "I asked, well demanded, the rest of the team be sent away. It was short-sighted, especially in light of all that happened the last time we were alone, but I'd wanted to speak with Joseph alone without any fear of interruption or observation."
"I'm guessing that didn't go over well with you, Joseph?"
Shifting in his seat, he answered. "No, not exactly. There was a bit of miscommunication. When Clarisse asked me to send the team away she left out the whole I want to talk to you part so I challenged her authority because not having the team nearby just wasn't an option for me at the moment."
Dr. Weston nodded his head in understanding. "Clarisse, can you understand his position?"
"Yes. I fear sometimes I fall into Queen mode or just assume everyone can read my mind and my intentions."
"I can imagine that it's difficult to separate the two parts of your personality."
Clarisse sighed, "Impossible at times."
The doctor realized that both seemed to have made peace with their miscommunication, but he sensed there was more to this story. "So did you two get to talk about whatever prompted the need for privacy?"
Neither person spoke, so he prompted them. "Joseph?"
Joseph glanced over at Clarisse. "We started to, but the day had been so emotional already… the timing wasn't right. We will get there…soon."
The Doctor absorbed all Joseph had said, but more importantly...what he hadn't. "Clarisse, do I understand correctly that you were going to share something you've been protecting?"
"I was, yes."
"Why don't you share it now? You're safe here. This session is private."
Clarisse thought, yet again, of the nightmare she'd endured, specifically her last night in captivity. She'd thought she could share it, but now she knew that simply wasn't possible. Jason must stay locked away deep within the walls of her soul where he couldn't harm her anymore. She looked directly into the doctor's eyes and without blinking answered. "No."
"But, Clarisse, you obviously saw the merit of sharing. Why the change of heart?"
She stood, avoiding the look of concern she was certain was on Joseph's face. "I've been very clear about what is off-limits, Doctor. My thought to share before was a mistake and I'd thank you to move forward."
She turned to Joseph. "You assured me you would not press me on this as well. Do I still have your promise of that?"
"Of course, I will not pressure you. We promised we would move at our own pace and I still stand by that promise." He looked away. "I cannot make such a promise for the doctor, though." He extended his hand toward her. "Please join me back on the sofa."
Clarisse took his hand and nodded her thanks. The Doctor, she could handle. Joseph was another matter completely.
"He's right, Clarisse. I fear you and I may have a rough patch or two ahead of us as I will reiterate again that you cannot fully heal, cannot move forward, until you've dealt with all the demons from that weekend.
Clarisse didn't want to engage him on this any further so she simply nodded. "I understand."
Doc Weston sighed. She really was the most stubborn patient he'd ever encountered. "Very well, let's move on. In a very short time, the Princess will be coming to Genovia to stay. Joseph tell me what you would like to see happen between you and Clarisse prior to that time from a physical standpoint. What comfort level do you believe you'll be able to achieve with each other?"
"I'd like to see us taking advantage of our private time together. I know we aren't ready for the big leap but I would like to move our physical relationship forward. We seem to have stalled at kissing." Turning, Joseph gathered Clarisse's hand in his. "We haven't actually discussed this but once the Princess takes over I would like to spend more time with you...as Joseph and Clarisse, not the Dowager Queen and her former head of security."
The thought of more alone time with Joseph both exhilarated and frightened her. She lifted her hand to cup his cheek and managed to hold her emotions in check as he leaned in to the touch. "I should like to try that as well."
Dr. Weston appreciated the tender moment, but he feared the secrets Clarisse still harbored would cause problems as they moved forward. Perhaps that was the best way to get her to share. "Then, as the Princess' arrival is imminent, I suggest you start trying to push yourselves a bit in this area. Remember what we've talked about. If there's a negative trigger, you need to stop and talk about it. Avoiding the discussion will only make you stall your progress and severely limit your ability to move forward. Are we agreed on this course of action?" He looked to his left. "Joseph?"
"I understand."
Clarisse nodded. "Agreed."
^^C/J^^
April 7
Clarisse stepped into her office, followed closely by Joseph. She heard Charlotte's voice. "Wait just a minute, please. She just stepped into the office." The last thing Clarisse wanted was to talk to a diplomat after just dealing with Viscount Mabry and the other members of parliament. The moment she came into Charlotte's view, she learned the true nature of the call. "Ma'am, it's Princess Amelia, she wishes to speak with you."
A breath she didn't realize she'd been holding escaped with this news. She nodded. "Very well. I'll take it at my desk." Turning to Joseph, she added. "You might want to sit in on the call as well. I believe Amelia enjoys speaking to you as much as she does me…if not more so."
Hitting the button to put the Princess on speaker phone, Joseph smiled at Clarisse. Probably the only reason the princess preferred him is that he wasn't always trying to give her a lesson. At his nod, she began. "Good Morning, Amelia. You're on speaker, Joseph is here with me."
"Hi-ya Joe!"
"Morning Princess. Are you packed yet? Shades will be there next week to pick you up as scheduled."
"Actually…that's why I'm calling. Gramma PLEASE don't be upset with me."
A worried look crossed Clarisse's face. "What's going on, Amelia?"
"I know everyone worked hard to accommodate my request for spring break at the beach house, but…"
Clarisse exchanged a look with Joseph, accommodation was an understatement. "But, what dear?"
"I was invited to take a road trip with some other girls from school. Before you say anything Joe, I've already spoken with my security team and they've signed off as long as I follow their instructions, and I quote, to the letter. I'm hoping you would understand and give your approval as well for me to stay here. It will kinda be my last chance…"
Relief washed over Clarisse's features. Though sad Amelia wouldn't be visiting, she didn't have to worry about a return trip to the beach house anytime soon. "I understand Amelia. Promise me you will follow your guard's advice completely. I don't want anything to happen to you." She shivered at the possibility something could happen to her granddaughter similar to her nightmare. "I'm certain Joseph has some instructions for you and your guards before you leave."
"You mean you aren't upset?"
"Amelia, you should enjoy this last bit of freedom because once you are crowned your free time becomes very elusive. Of course, I'll miss not seeing you. I will, however, expect a full report on your trip complete with pictures once you return." Relief flooded Clarisse's limbs. Though her heart really would miss seeing her granddaughter, not returning to the beach house for a little while was preferable.
"Thank you for understanding, Gramma. Hey Joe."
"Yes Princess."
"Just because I'm not coming doesn't mean Gramma should fill the time with work. Promise me you'll make her have some fun even if only for the weekend."
Joseph smiled as Clarisse shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I'll do my very best, Princess."
"I expect pictures too, Gramma. I can't be the only one having a fun this week."
"We shall see, Amelia. The country doesn't just run itself you know."
"I know. At least try. I can't wait to see you guys at graduation."
"We are looking forward to celebrating this milestone with you, Princess." Joseph answered.
"Oh, Gramma…I need to take this call it's Lilly. I love you both."
"We love you too, dear. Tell Miss Lilly hello."
"Sure thing. Bye Joe. Bye Gramma."
"Good bye, my dear." Once the call ended, Clarisse ventured a look at Joseph, curious to see how he felt about the turn of events. "It appears we returned for nothing."
He moved over to stand by her, his hand resting on her shoulder. "I wouldn't say that. We shared a lot and overcame some fears that weekend. I know you will not take the week off now since Mia isn't coming but at least allow me to take you out somewhere for dinner. We wouldn't want to upset the Princess, would we?"
Her hand covered his briefly. "One night shouldn't hurt. Will you see Charlotte about blocking off the time?"
He squeezed gently. "I'll see to it."
**C&J**
April 17
Joseph had taken the liberty of securing an entire day alone with the queen, thanks to the sudden cancelation of Amelia's trip and a lot of help. He had no idea how either Clarisse or he would survive without Charlotte. She'd always been invaluable, but over the past several months, she was as close to salvation as you could find in another person.
Though it wouldn't be at the beach house, he was excited about having some alone time with Clarisse. If they truly were going to be able to move past all of this and have a future together, they would need to continue to push themselves past any comfort levels they currently had in place.
After completing his morning routine, Joseph placed to the stables asking for her majesty's favorite gelding and his to be ready in an hour. Grabbing his gun he secured it out of sight, strapping it into the holster of his custom made riding boots. Although, he and Clarisse would never leave the palace grounds they would be venturing to the backside of the property, far away from prying eyes.
Grabbing the door knob to leave Joseph was startled when he saw Clarisse standing on the other side, her hand raised as if she were about to knock. Looking up and down the corridor, he asked. "Is everything alright? I was on my way to meet you."
"Everything's fine." Taking a step back Clarisse waited until Joseph secured his room before looping her arm through his. "So are you going to tell me what we will be doing today besides going for a ride?"
Smiling, he drew her hand up to his lips "No, but I will tell you how lovely you look in your riding outfit."
Her laughter echoed in the hallway, catching her by surprise. Clarisse quickly covered her mouth to muffle the sound. "I forgot how sounds carry when the palace is still sleeping and thank you. It's been so long since I've been riding, I wasn't sure if this outfit would fit." Her expression flickered and Joseph couldn't help but notice the clothing hung a little looser than before. She's still not eating well.
He squeezed her arm tighter, "It's high time we had some fun, don't you think?"
She nodded, "Far overdue. Life has been…challenging lately."
A short time later, they arrived at the stables. Mounting their horses, Joseph watched as Clarisse set off at an easy trot. The sunrise had crested over the nearby mountains and the entire meadow was glowing under its morning warmth. The dew glistened on the blades of grass and in the distance, the chorus frogs joined the birds as they sang their morning song.
Occasionally, Joseph would prompt her into a small round of small talk. Mostly, though, they were both content to ride in companionable silence as the distance between them and the palace continued to expand. He secretly hoped that a change of scenery and physical distance from the place where they'd spent most of their recovery time would help them both relax and just…be.
As they approached the last open meadow, Clarisse smiled over at Joseph before leading her horse into a full gallop. He grinned at her backside and gave chase, though with a view as magnificent as Clarisse on her horse, provided sufficient incentive to always trail a few feet behind her.
"Well done, my dear." Joseph smiled at her and tried not to focus on the view of her cleavage as she leaned over to rub the horse's neck.
"I admit it wasn't much of a fair race since I gave you no warning. I just wanted to…"
He nodded, "To be free."
Her head tilted slightly in acknowledgement. "Yes, free from my thoughts and any worries except holding on tight enough not to fall."
Not wanting to bring the mood down any, Joseph smiled and urged his horse forward. "Come, our final destination is at the top of this hill. We'll rest the horses and give them some water while we enjoy this small slice of freedom."
*C&J*
Joseph handed a blanket to Clarisse to spread out while he saw to the horses. Once satisfied all was in order, he joined her under a large tree that overlooked the valley below. Wanting to be as closer as she would allow, he sat with his back to the tree and guided her to a sitting position between his thighs. She relaxed against his chest. "This okay?"
She didn't answer, but a nod of her head provided agreement. He circled her waist and held her loosely, the top of her head resting just below his chin. For a moment they simply sat quietly, enjoying the view. He couldn't help but enjoy the fresh scent of her shampoo. Odd, how the little things brought them such comfort now.
"Any thoughts on how you'd like to spend the day?"
Clarisse turned her head slightly and smiled. "I thought I'd let you be in charge today."
He fought the urge to shake his head. They'd spent so much time over the last month or so battling for control in the various situations life had tossed their way. Now, here in a peaceful moment, she wiling handed it to him. A thousand years might not be enough for him to figure this beautiful woman out. "If I'm being honest, my only plans were to take you riding and as far away as was safe from the palace." He gestured to the expanse below them. "I'm pretty sure we've accomplished both of those. If my memory serves me correctly, we are very close to the boundary of the royal grounds."
Resting the palms of her hands on his bent knees, she leaned closer in this embrace. "Since we are being honest, I'm perfectly happy spending the day right here." Twisting her body, Clarisse placed the lightest of kiss across his lips.
Joseph smiled and nodded. "Then right here is where we shall stay."
The sun eventually won the war against the fog, burning it off the land to reveal a crisp, bright blue sky. The warmth of the sun matched the warmth radiating from Joseph and once again, Clarisse felt at peace. Wanting to not waste the private time they'd been given, she broached a topic she'd been giving some thought to. "Joseph, during our session you mentioned you would like to spend more time with Clarisse after Amelia takes over. If you recall, at the time, I agreed and indicated I would as well."
Joseph's back stiffened at her choice of words causing him to shift and sit up straighter. "And now?"
Moving away, Clarisse turned to face him "Since we're being honest… I want more than anything for you to be happy – you deserve it. And though I would love to spend my time with you once Amelia is crowned, I don't want to and can't be responsible for holding you back. What if I'm never ready?" She exhaled slowly. "Despite all the loss I've had in my personal life prior to that weekend, I cannot escape the horrors of what they did to me."
Her hands balled into tight fists, the nails cutting into her palms. Finding her courage, she lifted her gaze to lock with his. "I know you want and need more than I can give you." The emotion cracked her voice, the mere thought of Joseph walking away from their personal relationship almost more than she could bear. But, he deserved to know that, if he needed to leave to find peace and happiness, despite the promises they'd made to each other, she would let him go. She loved him that much.
Reaching over Joseph gathered both of her hands in his. "You and I have spent the better part of our lives together. Over time I've found myself knowing your favorite color, food, movie, and how you take your tea. I've discovered your flaws, not that there are many and your talents—which are endless. After so many years of learning, one day I woke up and realized how much you truly meant to me. I love you for every strength and your perceived weaknesses. You bring me happiness, Clarisse. Do you understand that? You alone."
He smiled and cupped her cheek with his hand. "And, since we're being honest, I'll confess that someday I would like to move forward physically. However, whether or not that happens, I will always be by your side. My heart and soul belongs to you. They've belonged to you since the beginning, since before I even realized and acknowledged it." His thumb arced to wipe away the few tears that started to fall as he whispered. "It's always been you."
Leaning forward, Clarisse brushed her lips tenderly across his. "I love you too. Thank you for being so patient with me." She closed her eyes as he kissed her again, warmth and tenderness slowly filling her body and making her forget, for the moment, the darkness still residing in her soul.
No matter what else occurred, whether they ever found their way completely back to each other. Clarisse knew…her heart had found its mate.
^^C/J^^
An hour or so later, she needed to switch positions. After some adjustments, she smiled over at Joseph. They were both now laying on the blanket and staring up into the bluest of skies through the branches of the old oak tree they'd claimed for their escape today. She pointed upward. "See that one? It's a dolphin."
Joseph smiled, grateful for the relaxed nature of her face. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead. "That might be a dolphin, but your tummy…" He reached over placing a hand over her smooth fabric covering her stomach, "sounds like a lion."
Turning her head, she smiled. "I was hoping you wouldn't hear that. I'm not ready for this date to be over."
"Who said anything about being over? Chef and I assembled various cheeses and fruit in the event that we became hungry."
Covering the hand that rested on her stomach, she pulled it to her lips and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. "Mmmm, thank you." Not wanting to let go of this perfect moment, she continued to kiss his hand, wrist and forearm—safe, yet not.
Joseph eyes darkened as he watched Clarisse's lips anointing his skin. He forced another fantasy he had of making love to Clarisse outside on a perfect day such as this back to the safe part of his mind. To keep his hand from venturing somewhere without proper permission, he cupped her cheek again. "I thought you were hungry."
" To feed the body or the heart, such a difficult decision." The intensity of her gaze almost broke his resolve to keep from kissing her senseless. When her tummy roared once more, he leaned over and kissed her before smiling softly. "I believe we have our answer."
Thirty minutes later, Joseph's body had been fed and watching Clarisse sleep in his arms fed his soul. Carefully, he ran his fingers through her silky locks. Holding her like this was enough. For now…perhaps for always. The thought of walking away, especially after everything they'd been through, made his chest hurt and nerves on edge. Losing Clarisse under any circumstance would be unbearable. She was the most important thing in his life.
Closing his eyes, Joseph forced the sad images from his mind, this was supposed to be a break from heartache and pain. Thus far, with the exception of Clarisse offering him an escape route, the day had lived up to all its promises. Hopefully, his plans for dinner and, if he was lucky, dancing would provide the perfect ending to a perfect day.
^^C/J^^