Notes:
First off, never take a prank this far it will just cause a nightmare for everyone involved.
Second, reactions to the prank and Dumbledore's discovery of Voldemort's new status in regards to his precious weapon (Harry) happen next chapter. Always love rubbing something like that in the puppet master's face.
Enjoy!
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Lucius ambushed them upon their return, his eyes wild as he tried to drag Severus off somewhere. The Malfoy Lord managing a lucky hit on Voldemort that made his vision grey almost to black. He vaguely heard an outraged snarl that he instinctively knew was Harry as he shook off the blow. There was a brief pang of regret for sending Narcissa and the Lestrange brothers off to their own errands before apparating but he didn't have much chance to dwell on it. Voldemort groggily dragged himself back to his feet, ignoring the shouting in favor of blindly sending Nagini into the fray and casting a general healing spell on himself. It took several seconds for his vision to clear only to find both of his mates pinned to the floor with Nagini hissing over them protectively as they were all circled by a group of at least eight Death Eaters, including Lucius.
"What is the meaning of this!" Voldemort snarled, keeping his wand free and glaring furiously at a crazy eyed Lucius.
"A coup, you and your mates will become nothing but playthings for those of us in charge," Lucius snarled back. "I will enjoy breaking Severus, just as I have no doubt that Bella and Greyback will enjoy breaking you and the Potter brat to there own purposes!"
"You will pay dearly for this!" Voldemort hissed, completely enraged.
Gathering his magic to him Voldemort sent out a shock wave that sent everyone tumbling and gave his mates the chance to fight back. Harry was up and on his feet mid-flight as he landed on top of one of the rebel Death Eaters, ripping the screaming man's throat out before they finished landing as he moved on to the next one. Severus landed lightly and showed exactly why he was a master duelist, engaging three separate Death Eaters at once. Voldemort took on Lucius, bringing him down in under a minute before moving on. By the time two minutes had passed they were surrounded by eight very dead idiots as Nagini circled them protectively while they tended to the injuries the short battle had caused.
"I wasn't expecting that," Harry muttered, glaring indignantly at the now very dead Lucius.
"That was rather the point of an ambush but yes, that was unexpected. Though I doubt that Lucius would have lasted much longer with how many warnings you've both given him since we've mated. I simply thank the gods that he never managed to get me alone," Severus pointed out as he carefully healed a long gash on Voldemort's wand arm.
"Bellatrix and Greyback will have to die if what Lucius said is any indication as to what they've been getting up to," Voldemort said, through gritted teeth as his arm was healed.
"Shite," Harry cursed as he reviewed the memory of their short battle only to realize that Lucius hadn't moved, sounded, or smelled like he should have. He realized this version of Lucius must have been under a form of Polyjuice potion.
"What is it?" Severus asked while he stood still as Voldemort healed a nasty cut to his cheek.
"That wasn't Lucius," Harry said in obvious frustration. "The bastard didn't move, sound, or even smell like Malfoy. I know we were watching them any way but something is really wrong with all of this. Lucius left the meeting just before everyone else and could have easily conned someone into pretending to be him but by the same token he is really not that blatantly stupid. Unless he's banking on the fact that it was so stupid that he wouldn't do it to make it work I don't see how he could be behind this attack. Another part of the problem is that the odds were uneven enough and we were caught so off guard that all of us went for the kill over the capture. We've got no one to question so we have no idea if we got all of them or if there are more idiots ready to kill us."
"Why can't you show this sort of intelligence in class?" Severus demanded.
"Because if I did then people who want me dead wouldn't underestimate me," Harry shot back. "It doesn't help that I have a hard time finding information on just about anything when I actually go looking for it myself instead of asking Hermione."
"Enough, we will retreat to our rooms in case of a second ambush lying in wait. The house elves can clean up the mess and search the manor for more idiots willing to try something and evict everyone but us," Voldemort said firmly, matching actions to words and hustling them off to their suite.
A group of elves suddenly popped in less than a meter in front of them looking like they were ready to attack, fierce expressions on their faces. Luckily one of them recognized Voldemort and stopped the small group with the expedient of tackling him while squealing in glee, babbling about an invasion of the manor and how they had fought all of the "naughty wizards". The others crowded around all trying to tell their own tale about dealing with the invaders, too relieved that their master was home to mind the remains of the recent battle.
It took a good fifteen minutes to calm them and get a coherent story out of them. The trio was a bit surprised that Lucius had been snagged the moment he got back and was currently sitting tied up in one of the random unused rooms fuming about being jumped. The other idiot Death Eaters, including the polyjuiced Lucius impostor, who had tried a coup were actually mostly dead. Apparently there was an actual reason for not invading old pureblood homes, the elves would fight viciously to protect a family that treated them with respect.
"I have got to get Hermione a book on House Elves or she'll keep freeing them," Harry said with a resigned sigh, earning horrified squeaks from his short audience.
"Then its a good thing that you aren't trying something so foolish," Severus sneered fondly only for Harry to playfully pounce on him, knocking him off of his feet. Harry scooped him up mid-fall and grinned mischievously. "Don't you dare drop me!"
"So, you don't want to prank Sirius?" Harry asked mischievously, cutely tilting his head to the side.
"What do you have in mind?" Severus asked slowly.
Voldemort set the elves to cleaning up the mess and ordering the single still living attacker to be secured in a way that he couldn't escape until they could deal with him. He kept a close eye on his conspiring mates as Harry practically waltzed around the entry hall carrying Severus. He dearly hoped they weren't planning something foolish or that they would try to leave him out since after that attack he wasn't letting them anywhere on their own if he could help it.
"What are the two of you up to?" Voldemort asked suspiciously, more than a little surprised that Severus had been so absorbed into the conversation that he didn't demand to be set down a second time or threaten bodily harm for that matter.
"Nothing," Harry said cutely as he exaggeratedly cuddled a now grumbling Severus close in his arms while sending his best innocent expression towards their Dominant mate. Voldemort's eyes narrowed in warning which Harry completely ignored in favor of plotting what to do with a newly helpless Lucius, full access to Grimmauld place, and the easy assistance of the twins. Severus on the other hand saw the look for what it was and decided to try mitigating the brewing disaster.
"He's decided that pranking Black and Lucius is a good way to get across that I belong to the two of you and that Black has no say in who his mates are," Severus explained softly. "I may need to stay here with you but Harry's determined to follow through on the prank that the twin menaces outlined at the meeting with a little extra added in."
"I'm not risking you, either of you," Harry said firmly with a toothy grin that might have even scared the twins into behaving.
"And if I say no?" Voldemort asked ominously.
"Then I'll go and you can punish me when I get back," Harry said simply. "They need to understand that we aren't their property and have no rights to us except for what we give them. If it were Mr. Weasley trying something like this, which he wouldn't, I would get the twins to help me prank him mercilessly until he gave in. Of course I'd try pleading first but if he stands firm the only way I can think of to make him take it seriously is a prank war. The twins might have a better idea but we don't have to get Mr. Weasley to come around just Sirius. Lucius on the other hand needs to learn not to touch something that's mine."
"Ours, brat, ours," Voldemort corrected, studying the stubborn way that Harry was standing and the gentle way that Severus was being cradled into the smaller body of their Little Vampire. "I get to leave a more personal message for Dumbledore and his order of fried chicken somewhere they will find it when we go."
"Brilliant!" Harry said happily as he finally let Severus down only for both of them to be pulled into a fierce hug.
"I'll not loose either of you," Voldemort vowed low enough that only the two of them would hear.
Harry felt a shiver of delight run up and down his spine as he basked in the hug of his Dominant next to his Anchor. A quiet order to one of the nearby elves had an unconscious Lucius dumped at their feet still trussed up like a pig ready for slaughter. Neither of them were really surprised when Severus gave the unconscious blond a vicious kick to the side before they took the portkey that Severus quickly charmed to the courtyard just outside Grimmauld place. Harry, as the Black Heir, was able to guide both Lucius and Voldemort past the edge of the Fidelius charm that protected the ancestral home of the Black family.
"Harry?" Ron's dumbfounded face was the first thing they saw as he and the twins watched the four of them enter the house, granting Voldemort and Lucius one-time access.
"Is Sirius still asleep?" Harry asked mischievously, completely ignoring the floating blond git hovering just behind him as he let go of Voldemort's hand with an amused Severus bringing up the rear.
"Why?" Fred asked, immediately wary of Harry's Marauder streak coming out to play.
"We're going to prank him. What do you think about your idea of having him tied to the bed, shaved, and painted purple but adding Lucius and getting them both drunk to wake up tied together?" Harry suggested gleefully.
"We could shave more than their heads but I think maybe we should shave weird patterns into their hair and maybe make it hot pink or something," George suggested, honestly considering the idea.
"Why do we need to stop at their hair? Why can't we make their skin look like one of Dumbledore's robes?" Ron suggested, earning a shudder of disgust from Severus at the mere notion.
"I suppose I can go brew a prank potion in the house's potion lab that might be fitting for the mutt," Severus drawled with a bright grin of mischief that had the redheads stumbling as they led the way towards their dark haired hapless victim. "Or we can use one of the potions I rarely go anywhere without for one reason or another."
"Sometimes you're really scary Sev," Harry said over his shoulder with a mock shiver that had Ron practically gawking at him.
"We're just going to go get Sirius' stash of firewhisky," Fred said quickly, dragging his twin after him into the study only to meet up with the procession of wizards just outside Sirius' bedroom door. Harry motioned them all to silence before remembering something that might make everything even better.
"Kreacher," Harry called softly.
"Filthy Half-blood Master called?" Kreacher asked nastily, popping up behind Harry only to get hit with a double cast crucio and silencing charm from Voldemort that made everyone flinch.
"Speak to my mate like that again elf and I will ensure that become a werewolf's chew toy," Voldemort ordered ominously, the look of sudden adoration that the elf gave him had most of them fighting off goosebumps.
"Of course Master Dark Wizard sir! What cans Kreacher bes doing for youse?" Kreacher practically fawned over Voldemort after recovering from the light crucio.
"Kreacher, I'm going to prank Sirius for threatening to take me away from my mates and not allowing me to return honor to the House of Black," Harry said carefully before deciding that warning the elf about them being on edge wouldn't go amiss. "It would be wise not to startle us just now since some idiots tried to kill us less than an hour ago. The prank will let us relax enough that we wont screw up when talking to the one prisoner we managed to catch, but only if we don't have to worry about say someone catching us before we're ready."
"I would like to be here when they wake and if we can identify where Dumbledore keeps his precious order I can simply show up and have tea until the old goat shows before peacefully leaving. It will send a message and be a decent prank on the old fool," Voldemort said thoughtfully.
"Harrykins, you mean to tell us that you haven't told your big bad Dark Lord where you are?" George asked in mock horror.
"Dumbledore is supposed to show up for supper, so about an hour? Mum is occupied in the kitchen making enough food for everyone, Dad's at work, and most of the order that wasn't at the meeting are out on assignment," Ron explained judiciously before offering yet another refinement to the prank. "We can probably set it up so that Malfoy and Sirius wake up when he arrives or sees your mate."
"Brill! That would let Voldemort razz Dumbles and I can get back at both Lucius and Sirius for being such gits. If Lucius keeps pushing he's going to find himself dead for threatening Severus," Harry informed them seriously.
"So a warning," Fred said thoughtfully with narrowed eyes before nodding decisively, arms full of firewhisky. "We're going to take pictures and then we'll need to use them as A) Blackmail, B) Sell them to the Prophet, C) Hand them out as party favors at Hogwarts, D) Post them up in Diagon Alley and Gringotts."
"Your mind is scary... I like it," Harry said gleefully only to catch one of the falling firewhisky bottles that a now sheepish George had been helping to carry.
"What can Kreacher bes doing to help?" Kreacher asked eagerly, wide eyed that Harry actually cared about something important to him.
"Well, how about fetching a galleon or two of grape jelly, marmalade, and peanut butter?" Harry suggested. "If we use the color changing charm then paint them with the food after they're arranged in bed wrapped around each other and tied down..."
"Brill!" Ron said grinning like a loon as Kreacher eagerly popped away to retrieve the requested food stuff, returning a moment later as they all entered the room as quietly as possible.
Sirius' surprise lunge from behind the door as a simple return prank to scare them off fell to Severus' dueling skills as the rapid fire silent stunner laid him out on the floor. Harry could feel the deep satisfaction from his mate as the Weasley boys quickly took advantage of the situation. They stripped both Sirius and Lucius down to their boxers before arranging them in an intimate embrace on the bed and tying them into place.
The next step was given over to Severus to perform as he gleefully charmed all hair below the head into non-existence, with a second one that would have it all grow back in specific designs and colors. Their heads, however, were given special attention as Sirius' black locks were trimmed down to almost a fuzz before Severus decided to create swirls and zigzag patterns. Each patter was charmed a different color with the main hair color being a bright neon green. Lucius suffered first from a bright red ink shampoo and wash, permanently dying it, before his hair was trimmed and charmed into mini-beehive shapes with randomly charmed zigzags of fuchsia.
Voldemort took his turn next, charming Lucius' skin pitch black before adding lines of bright blue and hot pink depicting bunny rabbits and other cute fluffy things playing. Sirius's skin on the other hand did indeed resemble one of Dumbledore's more hideous robes, his eyes were charmed to have a ring of blood red zigzag splitting the normal grey color in half with a bright blue slash splitting the black of the pupil. A wand flick had them both adorned in itchy hemp rope patterns of bright pink and green. A subtle transfiguration created pointed ears and caused their teeth to fall out of their drooling mouths.
The twins gleefully used the jelly to paint them both purple, the marmalade went next to add orange into the mix before topping it off by surrounding their waists with mounds of peanut butter. Harry arranged a bucket of green slime floating above the bed they were tied to, perfectly positioned to douse them if they managed to get free of their bonds and try to leave the bed. He then painted in large bright red colors right where they would see it the words, "Stay away from my Mates! This is your last warning!" The message was completed with a green snake circling a black cauldron with a yellow lighting bolt embedded in the side of the cauldron for their signature.
"Blimey, there's no way they'll miss who that's from," Ron said in admiration.
"Think this will be enough?" Harry asked seriously.
"Harry, I think if they don't get the message from this than the only thing to do will be to either turn them into the Aurors or kill them," George said seriously. "You've made it very plain that if they continue to threaten your mateship there will be consequences. I don't know what pushed you to mark your territory like this but if either of them want any chance they will have to do some major groveling. Something like this at Hogwarts? Yeah, major loss of house points and probably detentions for a month. The way Sirius tried to take you away from the Professor and his Darkness though? I'd say you're letting them off lucky."
"'Course we wouldn't mind knowing what old Malfoy did to be included," Fred joked, his eyes completely serious. Harry's eyes went cold and Voldemort instinctively pulled both his mates to him while sending a death glare towards the former blond.
"That bad?" Ron asked sympathetically, only to receive a flash of fang and a low growl obviously aimed towards Lucius.
"Well, we can just put this down to more of the blood feud between House Weasley and House Malfoy," George observed cheerfully as they all quickly headed for the kitchen at the echoing call to supper from Mrs. Weasley.