Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect.

A/N – I wanted to get this chapter up earlier, but I had more trouble writing it than I thought I would. I rewrote the Kaidan/James conversation four times before I was happy with it. I hope everyone likes it…I'm actually quite nervous about this chapter.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Your comments and feedback are always really appreciated and loved!

With the Normandy docked at the Citadel to finish the last of the retrofitting, James had expected that the crew would be given shore leave and he'd been planning to spend most of it with Garrus; teaching him the finer points of poker. Instead he'd found himself completing what had to be the most boring job on board when Alenko, who was the commanding officer in Shepard's absence, issued orders for him to complete another inventory check of all of the Alliance armour, weapons and ammo on board.

Kaidan hadn't singled him out, although the thought had crossed James' mind when he read his new orders. Instead, it was just that Alenko had taken his acting command seriously and had ordered almost all of the Normandy's crew to remain on board while Shepard was away. Garrus was completing maintenance on the Normandy's main weapons, Joker was supervising the installation of some minor hardware in the AI core and even Liara was helping Traynor with some data analysis.

On the first day, James had diligently done his job and conducted the boring inventory check, bantering lightheartedly with Cortez while they worked. It was a good thing he had taken his job seriously, as Kaidan had come down several times throughout his shift, possibly to check up on him, although he had a genuine reason to be down there each time. Outwardly, Kaidan was perfectly polite to him and there wasn't a hint of antagonism, but the atmosphere whenever he was in the shuttle bay was icy and unfriendly.

Cortez found the situation funny at first, but on the second day when Kaidan came down several times again, even he mentioned that he was starting to find the Major's presence a little unsettling. When the shift was up and James was off duty, it was a relief to be able to escape upstairs to the mess where he found Joker and Garrus chatting quietly. The guys hesitated when he appeared and James inwardly cringed as he guessed they were chatting about him, Shepard and possibly even about Kaidan. Honestly, James couldn't fault Kaidan's behaviour, but there was something about the way he was acting that made him feel on edge.

It felt like he was waiting for the axe to fall.

"So, I hear Kaidan hasn't been treating you too harshly today for stealing the Commander's heart?" Joker's eyes twinkled maliciously as James looked pained and sighed.

"You know too?" He paused by the table and glared at Garrus, who he was sure was behind the gossip that had circulated the ship; the damned turian couldn't keep his mouth shut around his friends.

Joker grinned and gestured for James to join them at the table, "Oh come on, you should have known that I'd find out eventually...and I've probably known what was going on for longer than you think!"

The turian nodded at Joker as he made a humming sound of agreement, "I don't know why you two assumed you could keep it quiet." His mandibles twitched in amusement as James made a frustrated sound, "I mean, subtlety isn't one of yours or Shepard's best traits."

James grinned in spite of himself, "I think the problem might have been all of you gossiping about us like little old ladies." He got himself some rations and sat down as he talked, "In fact, I think most of the ship knows because you guys can't keep your mouths shut."

"Vega, Vega, Vega." Joker said his name slowly and with amusement, shaking his head as though talking to a simple child, "The tension between you two was pretty obvious. Plus there was that little wresting match a few weeks ago that almost turned into a make out session."

James felt his mouth gape open, "You...you know about that? Dammit! Esteban said he'd keep it quiet!"

"Ha! Cortez didn't say a thing; he didn't have to…" Joker laughed and enjoyed James embarrassment, "Your little 'training session'," He emphasized the words training sessions with air quotation marks, "was recorded on security footage. I almost died laughing when I saw it." He laughed again at the memory, "I admit I was completed surprised! I mean, all that tension aside, I always thought the Commander was going to wind up back with Alenko, no offense James."

"None taken." He wasn't about to admit that for a long time he'd been worried about that too.

Even now he felt guilty for having encouraged Shepard to move on from Kaidan after Mars. He probably shouldn't feel bad, especially given the way the guy had still been questioning her motives and involvement with Cerberus, but he'd never deliberately meddled in someone else's love life before. Still, suspicion didn't make a great basis for a relationship and things had worked out well for him and Shepard.

Garrus shook his head and threw a skeptical look at Joker, "Oh come on! You know what happened on Horizon! How can you possibly think she'd have gone back to Kaidan after what he said?"

"Because I know Kaidan loves her and didn't mean it." The pilot pushed his half eaten ration pack away and started counting off points on his fingers, "For one thing, he almost killed me at her memorial service when he had that meltdown, for another we know that both of them can be a little emotional when it comes to dealing with each other, and finally because of how upset Shepard was when EVA almost killed him on Mars." Joker shrugged and then glanced at James again, his eyes gleaming, "It didn't even occur to me until I saw that video that you and Shepard had something going on. I'm happy for both of you though, especially since you make her so happy. You're good for her."

"I agree, Shepard needed someone like you to come along and wake her up again." Garrus nodded, the expression on his face fond as he thought about his friend, "I haven't seen her smile this much since…well…since before she died. I don't know how you did it, but you broke through her numbness and made her act like a human again."

James put his rations down and looked from Joker to Garrus, "Was she really that different when Cerberus brought her back?"

"She was still Shepard, but she was angry a lot and she got…meaner." The turian chose his words carefully, as though worried he'd say the wrong thing. "It wasn't like she changed completely, but I was worried about her for a while."

Joker was quiet for a moment as mulled over Garrus' words and then nodded, "Yeah, she still isn't the same as she used to be, but this is the best I've seen her in a long time."

"What do you mean 'she still isn't the same'?" James wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but he was curious about how deeply she'd been affected by what had happened to her.

Garrus looked at Joker and he shrugged, "Well, before the first Normandy went down Shepard was a bit more laid back. She was nicer to people and didn't tend to be quite so ruthless and trigger happy..."

"You're a fine one to accuse Shepard of becoming ruthless and trigger happy, Archangel." Joker interrupted and rolled his eyes, "Before she died, Shepard was generally pretty happy most of the time. I mean, she was still really scary when she wanted to be and would do whatever it took to get the job done, but she wasn't quite as ruthless as she is now. I saw her do things when she was working with Cerberus that she wouldn't have never had done when she was working for the Alliance."

"What kind of things?" James felt something unpleasant unfurl itself in his chest as he remembered the way Shepard had shut herself down when she'd tortured the Cerberus operative back at Grissom Academy.

Garrus shrugged and avoided his eyes, "There was the time she threatened to throw a mercenary to his death from the upper floor of a high rise building if he didn't give her information. None of us thought she'd do it, nor did he, but she did. She shoved this guy through a plate glass window, watched as he fell screaming to his death and then walked away as though nothing has happened. Then there was this time she couldn't get this guy called Fade to cough up some info, so she tortured it out of him. Not that I think badly of her for that since I would have done the same thing..."

"She just never did stuff like that before she died." Joker interrupted Garrus with a frown, "I guess I kind of understand it, I mean, she woke up to find out that two years of her life were gone and all her friends had moved on without her. She had nothing left and was completely alone. That would be enough to break some people, and I guess Shepard dealt with it by shutting herself down so she wouldn't have to feel it."

James thought about that for a moment, Shepard was an exceptionally good actress; he'd seen on Earth how well she'd smiled and acted day after day as though nothing was bothering her. It hadn't been until she'd let her mask slip in the hospital that he'd seen how desperately frustrated and unhappy she was. Losing her friends, who were essentially her family, would have devastated her. He could see how she would have protected herself from that hurt by simply shutting the pain away and stubbornly pushing on; it was a very Shepard thing to do.

"She's a strong person and she would have wanted to keep going and save everyone from the Collectors." James agreed with Joker as he finished his rations and stood up, realising absently that he'd been so engrossed in the conversation that he hadn't tasted a thing, which was probably for the best considering that they tasted like cardboard.

Even Blasto Bites tasted better…

"Well, I'm going to head back down to the shuttle bay and get in a quick workout." James took his tray back over to the mess, and then left Garrus and Joker to return to their gossip.

As he caught the lift down, he replayed the conversation that they'd just had about Shepard's personality changing. Losing the people closest to you was a horrific experience, and while most of her friends hadn't died that day, they may as well have. She'd been abandoned by the Alliance, who were her makeshift family, and her friends had scattered to the winds. He'd felt the same way after Fehl Prime and his response had been to go on a drunker bender on Omega that had lasted weeks.

He hadn't wanted to remember the faces of the people he'd lost and he hadn't wanted to feel the pain of their loss anymore, so he'd buried himself in booze, women and poker. The thought of what he must have looked like when Anderson found him made him squirm, and he was glad that the Admiral hadn't mentioned any of it to Shepard. It was embarrassing enough that he could remember some of the things he'd done on Omega, let alone the woman who he loved finding out about it.

"Lieutenant Vega, just who I wanted to see."

As soon as James stepped out of the elevator his stomach plummeted as he saw Kaidan standing with Cortez near one of the weapon benches. All he wanted to do right now was put himself through a punishing workout so he didn't have the energy to lie awake tonight thinking about Shepard and what might be happening to her. The last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation with Kaidan, especially when Shepard had warned him to keep his distance.

"What can I do for you, Major?" He walked up casually, and forced himself to keep calm as Kaidan dismissed Cortez and turned back to face him, waiting patiently for Cortez to catch the elevator back up before he spoke.

He watched James for a second, "The Blue Suns have sent us a weapons shipment and I was hoping I could get you to supervise it being loaded tomorrow." Kaidan shrugged, "I know it's not your usual duty, but I figured you would probably like something to take your mind off Shepard being away."

"Uh, thank you." James fidgeted and shuffled, completely taken aback by Kaidan's statement. He wasn't fooled though, there was something in the way that Alenko kept looking at him and then looking away that made him think that there was something else he wanted to say, "Is there anything else, sir?"

Kaidan's eyes locked on his and for a second he thought he would walk away, but he stayed and after a moment of obvious internal struggle he sighed. "I don't want to make things awkward when we work together, but I want to talk to you about Shepard."

James didn't like the sound of this. Sure, the major seemed friendly enough now, but he'd picked up on some definitely unfriendly vibes coming from him at other times during the day. The last thing he wanted to do was get into a fight with Shepard's ex and have her come back to a ship buzzing with gossip because they'd acted like a pair of alpha males and had an argument. But how could he say no when this was the perfect chance to clear the air?

"Yeah." James nodded and tried not to let his unease show. "I kind of expected you might want to."

Kaidan paced for a second as he tried to find the words to spit out what was on his mind, finally he paused by the weapons bench again and turned to face him. "I should start by saying that I got curious about you and I read through your files."

"What? Why?" Instantly James began to bristle; Alenko wasn't technically his commanding officer and he had no right to go digging through his history.

"I'm trying to work out what kind of a person you." He shrugged and then narrowed his eyes. "Your records told me a few things about you, firstly that you're a brilliant solider and a great tactician. Secondly, that you're the kind of soldier that can make tough decisions, and thirdly," Kaidan drew in a breath, "that you've been obsessed with Shepard since the Skyllian Blitz."

James felt his stomach drop and he instantly wished he'd said no to this little chat. "Obsessed?" He tried not to sound too defensive. "I was not obsessed with her. Shepard's an amazing solider and she was my role model. I didn't try to hide how much of a fan I was at all, but that's all it was."

"Maybe." Kaidan pushed away from the bench and came towards him. "I'm not trying to be difficult, but try and see things from my perspective; you were her guard and suddenly you're an item. Then when I take a glance through your file," he gave him a meaningful look, "well, you mention Shepard's name in almost every mission debrief. Your psych evaluation says you became depressed when she died over Alchera, and I don't know if you're aware, but even Hackett and Anderson noted that it was possible that you were a little too invested in Shepard." He took a breath and his eyes flashed. "I'm just trying to work out if your relationship with Shepard is what it is, or if you're just playing with her. I hurt her badly enough, and I don't want to see her get hurt again."

James swallowed and squared his shoulders. "Okay, I admit I've been a big fan of Shepard's ever since I saw footage of her in the Skyllian Blitz, and I'm not going to deny it." He saw Kaidan frown at that, and he continued, "and yeah, I thought she was fucking hot, but I wasn't obsessed with her. I followed her career because she's the best goddamned solider in the Alliance. The stuff between us now happened later. Yeah, I was interested in her, but not while I was guarding her. I wasn't in a good place then myself." He didn't elaborate further on that; Fehl Prime wasn't Kaidan's business.

"Maybe it's unfair of me to ask you these questions, hell ... I know it is," he looked apologetic, "but I just want to make things right. You can't know what it's like to lose the person you love and then suddenly have them turn up out of the blue." The biotic shook his head bitterly and took a step back, clearly wanting to put some distance between them as he quietly admitted, "I still love her."

James felt something cold spread through him at the other man's words; he'd known he was still in love with her but hearing him admit it was painful.

"You know, no one stopped you from apologising to her about your behaviour on Horizon, or from visiting her on Earth, and no one made you pull a gun on her on the Citadel," he pointed out. "Maybe you and Rennah just weren't meant to be?"

Silence greeted his quiet words, then James saw Kaidan close his eyes tightly, and the biotic turned around and faced the gleaming shuttle, giving James his back. He was silent for almost thirty seconds before he spoke again in a quiet broken voice. "You're right; I did bring this on myself." He drew in a deep breath and turned around to face James again, his eyes raw and pained. "I lost Rennah once and had to live with her death for two years, and just when I started to get my life back together, she came back and I threw everything away again. I said a lot of things I didn't mean." Kaidan went quiet for a second, and even more of the fight seemed to go out of him and he looked down at the floor. "Shit, why am I telling you this? I just ... I always thought we would still get back together."

James felt a swell of pity for Alenko in that moment and he let his own fear go and tried to see it from his perspective. How would he handle it if Shepard never came back from Omega and she died? Would he have the strength to pull himself together and go on with his life like Alenko had? And what if she turned up working with a terrorist group that he hated? He couldn't imagine how confusing and hurtful that would be.

He sighed and tried to ignore the lingering anger he felt for the man. "I know you don't trust me, but I'm not using Shepard and I'm not going to hurt her. I care about her too much."

Kaidan was silent and he raised his head to look up at him slowly, the look in his tawny eyes haunting. "I hope so Vega, because I swear to god if you hurt her I'll make you pay for it."

James wasn't sure what he could or should say to that, so he just nodded, because he didn't doubt for a second that Kaidan was deadly serious. He knew he'd lost Shepard and it was tearing him apart, but he still cared about her enough to make sure that James didn't hurt her. Whether it was guilt for the damage he'd done to her in the past, or because he was genuinely still in love with her was a mystery to James, but he respected Kaidan for wanting to protect her.

Although he didn't appreciate the way he'd gone about it.

"Is she happy with you?" Kaidan spoke again without any trace of anger, instead he just sounded exhausted. "I wanted to try and make up for all the damage I did, but if I knew she was happy ... ?"

Vega nodded, feeling another wave of pity for him. "I think so. You we're right when you said that Ren was lonely back in Vancouver, she was, but she was angry and hurt too and I wouldn't never have intruded on her pain." He shrugged and met Kaidan's eyes again. "Truthfully, I don't think I even registered on her radar until after the Reapers attacked and she was back on the Normandy. I think she needed someone to be there for her more than anything." He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do her, but I can promise you that I'm not with her for any reason other than the fact that I care about her."

Kaidan managed a weak smile at that. "I can see why she likes you; you are a good guy, and she needs that; someone to balance her out." He ran a hand through his hair again and cleared his throat. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not going to give up on her. I'm not going to interfere with your relationship with her, I'm no teenager looking for a fight. But ... I can't change how I feel." Kaidan laughed roughly. "Hope springs eternal, I guess."

James nodded. They'd made their positions clear, and he watched silently as Alenko turned and left, still feeling sorry for him. He sighed and looked out over his work out area, dejectedly realising that he didn't want to work out anymore; he just wanted Shepard to come home safely so he could hold her again.

A/N – Poor lonely James. I hope you enjoyed this chapter – please let me know what you thought! I'm nervous!

In other news - I'm looking for someone to beta read a one shot Kaidan/Shepard fluffy drabble that I'm working on. I'm not sure when it will be finished, but if you'd like to help me out please feel free to give me a shout.