Chapter 25
It came back to him as he slept snuggled deep under the warmth of the duvet with Tosh. His arm curled possessively around her waist. For the first time since he'd woken up in the hospital bed, he felt totally relaxed and secure. A sense of belonging washed over him as it hadn't the first night they'd shared his bed. Tosh belonged in his arms.
As his mind became a tranquil haven, the wall that was the result of his injury melted away. His memories didn't assault him like they had on previous occasions. They told whole stories of his life, not jumbled fragments of events and they followed a timeline as events unfolded in his mind.
Owen's unconscious gently gave him his childhood – his mother always in the living room, but never being there for him. He was fed and clothed, but never hugged or had his forehead stroked after a bad dream or illness.
As he grew older, he began to question his single mother's reaction to his very presence.
"I love you, but that doesn't mean I have to like you."
He'd consoled his broken heart under his duvet for months. Salty wetness rained down his almost adult face every night, and the more he cried the more his heart froze to love. As the years passed, his cynicism towards women grew. He held his own mother up as a template for his own relationships. His mind twisted to its own mantra of "I like you, but not enough to love you."
College and medical school passed in a flurry of half hearted relationships, one night stands and flings, until he met Katie. His heart broke free of its mould as he got to know her. He loved Katie because she'd gotten under his skin. She'd made him care again, about love. She never played mind games, was always brutally honest and showered her love, even when he knew he didn't deserve it. Then she'd become ill, after he'd proposed and they'd booked the venue and picked the flowers. An alien being had stolen Katie and broke his newly mended heart.
In the same blow he'd been thrown into the dangerous, frightening world of Torchwood.
His first official day starting at his new job at Torchwood, after he'd given Katie's parents all her belongings and moved to Cardiff, he met the team led by Captain Jack Harkness – Susie and Toshiko.
His heart had shied away from Tosh, but his head had been attracted to Susie, involving them in a short, awkward few nights of passion, before going back to being just colleagues.
Tosh had tried to befriend him, but he'd scorned her, unwilling to be hurt again.
As more people joined the team over the years, he mellowed a little but was desperately lonely. He used the pheromone spray he'd acquired to keep a warm body in his bed, or theirs, at least for a short time.
Tosh was always around whenever he needed someone, but he tried devoutly not to, until Diane.
Strong, capable and only looking for a passing flirtation, Diane attracted Owen, but again he fell hard for her in the weeks they had together. Again his heart broke when she left him in an attempt to return to her own time. He felt his only option was to cause himself pain, to see if it made any difference.
Every night he'd go out looking for a fight, and one night during a Torchwood investigation he found what he'd been searching for. Weevil Vs. Man.
Stepping into the cage Owen felt fear tainted with a longing for death. Since Katie he'd felt he wasn't good enough for love, still haemorrhaging from his mother's hurtful words all those years ago. He believed his heart couldn't take another battering.
That night he'd nearly died, and he gained a new respect for life.
Then came the night of the accident that had landed him in hospital. His mind had focussed on his new life, post injury, where everything was simpler. There was no cynicism, no hurt, loneliness or heart aching. If he'd believed in magic, he would have said that Toshiko had soothed his soul, as he'd lain in the hospital bed. Her warm reassuring touch and gentle words adding balm to his wound.
But the return of his memories meant that he hated her again, because she was too good for him, not an easy lay and very likely to hurt him.
And so he continued to sleep, unaware and unknowing.