Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Title: Gray-colored Happiness
Chapter: 25 of 42
Chapter 25
There is a whiff of moisture in the air, a coolness of breeze and then the water shadow appears and attacks me. It's a diversion but that doesn't render it harmless.
I dispatch the first shadow quickly, but it is a hydra and two more instantly appear to take its place. As I get rid of those as well, I scan the area as swiftly as possible in search of their creator.
Kakashi is nowhere to be seen.
My sharingan has been pushed to the edge of its normal limits and is now at the point of strain where my vision wobbles and blurs. It works better than this, sees faster, clears further; I know it does. I have used it beyond its supposed limitations before, at least once. But now it's resisting me at every juncture, making me struggle again to reclaim what I've already obtained and this time worse than before.
It's like relearning how to walk. I know I can do it; I just need to find the strength and remember how.
My sight is hazy, yet it should still be enough to shatter an illusion if there is one. Nothing changes. It's possible Kakashi has gone underground, I might not be able to detect him there, but I doubt it.
More likely, he's used the opportunity the water shadows provided to conceal himself in the trees.
The false Kakashis are more annoying than the original, so I hastily form the seals of a katon goukakyuu no jutsu and evaporate them into the air. The atmosphere is now saturated with the dissipated jutsu, making my limbs heavy as I rotate in a circle to perform another inspection.
My eyes shift wildly, the strange, fish-eye quality, giving everything an even stranger appearance.
I stop suddenly halfway around.
I wonder if that's it.
The sharingan probably doesn't like the snake-eye aspect that Orochimaru forces into my eyes any more than I do. No other Uchiha in history, at least to my knowledge, has had one set of eyes with two distinct and opposing attributes. But there has to be a way to enable them to work together. There must be a thread in common between them.
With ingrained dexterity, I evade the kunai aimed at my back within a hair's breadth. Kakashi twists his body, brings his leg around one side and his arm the other in a surprisingly serpentine manner, like some sort of slippery eel. Perhaps that is why my parasite dislikes him so much.
/Do not decide my mind for me./
"Sloppy, Sasuke, sloppy," Kakashi admonishes with the weapon held firmly at my throat.
But I'm too busy trying to formulate a plan.
Kakashi sighs midway to a grumble and releases me. In the back of my ears I hear the sound of a kunai sliding expertly back into place.
"You've got to do something about your concentration issues," he complains. "I know you're trying not to act rashly, but there is such a thing as over-thinking."
If he only knew.
/Ku-ku-ku./
Now, back to important things. The sharingan opens up the eyesight further, collecting more information than the eye usually would and at a faster rate. It sees things a normal eye can't like an opponent's likely trajectory or the edges of an illusion. On the other hand, Orochimaru's snake-eye is not very special.
/I do not appreciate that./
It only sees what's there, just in a different way. It takes in a wider range of vision, but the outer rim is distorted and out of focus. Only the circle at the center is perfectly clear. Maybe that's what's upsetting the sharingan.
It doesn't make a lot of sense, but then neither does having reptile eyes nor having an annoying, hissing snake muddling around in my head.
/I do not muddle./
Then a snake slithering, whatever; it's not like the phrasing matters.
"Are you listening to me?" Kakashi interrupts from another planet.
This gives me two options. One: I completely push Orochimaru out, lock him up and throw away the key. If I do that, any influence he has on my eyes should, in theory, disappear. My normal black eyes would return, thus allowing the sharingan to function properly.
/Yes, my pet. Good luck with that. There is no way you are getting rid of me. You need me./
"This is what I'm talking about!" Old one-eye shouts in exasperation. "I could easily kill you right now and you wouldn't be able to defend. You probably wouldn't even see it coming."
Unfortunately, as appealing as option one is, I've already tried it without success.
The other option is to devise a way for the two elements work in concert. I suppose if that useless, ever-present fish eye is only truly focused at the center, maybe if I concentrate the sharingan solely on that area . . .
/That might work./
'It might.'
/Might even be an improvement./
'Don't flatter yourself.'
Still though, it's worth a shot.
"Sasuke!"
Slowly, I direct my attention to Kakashi, keeping my stance rigid. I let my lip curl into a snarl.
"I want to try again."
My teacher studies me for a while, then forms his trademark little grin beneath the mask. "All right." Then his face goes grave. "But I won't hold back."
My mouth draws up sharper.
Of course.
I settle my senses and concentrate. Focusing all my vision on the two center spots, I block out all else like I am looking through binoculars. It is a weird sensation, but I have no choice but to work with it.
/Indeed, my pet./
'Just get lost.'
/I cannot do that. I am intrigued to see what happens as well./
Kakashi vanishes amidst a rustle of leaves and a swirl of wind.
There isn't much time. It's hard to guess what technique he'll use; there are too many he likes.
I remain in the center of the trees, blatantly exposed and remaining perfectly still. This is best for my experiment. I close my eyes.
And I begin to hear, absurdly but unmistakably, the sound of birds.
I guess he really isn't holding back.
No matter. If this works I may discover something immensely profitable. If it doesn't, well, it won't make much difference.
With my eyes still shut, I activate the sharingan and meticulously feel my way around it. I've never attempted this before: to sense the chakra affecting my eyes without using my sight, and now is a bit of a dodgy time to experiment, but I'd rather just put everything on the line in one dramatic sweep.
The sound outside is reaching the piercing, squealing pitch that I recognize well and I know only a scant few seconds remain for me to figure this out.
I feel the chakra hovering like liquid over my eyeball, powerful and whirling fast like a hurricane, which means it too has a sort of eye, a calm center amid the chaos. I begin to push the vibrating outer edge to the center as quickly and efficiently as I can, concentrating all its power on that central space.
Then I detect that final sort of pop of Kakashi's chakra when the last of it to be collected now sits in the palm of his hand.
My new sharingan is still half-formed, but there's no time for second guesses.
This is it.
Sink or swim.
I open my eyes and am almost floored by the oppressive swell of chakra and power that pierces the surface of my cornea. It burns like the fire within me only hotter, white and searing like the sun.
The outer edge of my vision is blurred and distorted like always, but it has also gone dark. It is like looking through a tunnel, or rather two tunnels that meet somewhere down the line.
But the center . . . the center is clearer than it has ever been before, perfect clear, future clear, so much so that it hurts. It wobbles still, as if there is too much there to be contained and at any moment the precious hold will burst, shattering my vision into a thousand pieces. It has not yet established proper stability, but I can see everything.
Everything.
The sound of chirping grows louder and I turn towards it, almost casually.
Kakashi is barreling at me, the light of his hand eclipsed by the glow of my clarity.
He is phenomenally fast.
Yet I can see him coming. Not much more than that. But it is something.
It is potential.
That sparking, chirping, lethal fist aims straight for me.
But I can see it.
I manage one step back.
In an instant, the chidori disappears into the pale blue sky as if it were nothing more than a trick of the light. Kakashi dispelled his jutsu a split second before contact to avoid harming me.
In that instant I realize that Kakashi's chakra control is far more impressive – and formidable – than I had ever imagined.
He would have hit me, there is no doubt about that, and for good measure he let the ridge of his knuckles tap against my ribs. Nonetheless, he had to reach a little bit further. Not much, a few centimeters is all, but when considering that the chidori is designed as an unavoidable attack, the significance of this cannot be overstated.
Kakashi gapes at me, honestly surprised.
He intended to hit me, to come close to ending my life in order to reinforce the lesson of "paying attention", but perhaps he is the one who has learned something.
He wasn't expecting that at all.
/Neither were you./
'Maybe, but I knew something would happen.'
/And a delightful surprise it is, my pet./
And I must say, the look of utter astonishment on Kakashi's face was well worth the risk.
o.o.o
My nights seem lonelier than they once did, though if anything is different it is that there are more people intruding in my life, not less.
There is a hissing in my ear when I sleep, full of words I can't quite make out.
And when I wake, my mind is filled with black hands and white, of people once familiar to me but never friends.
Of an itching in my mind that something is not right, but when I fully wake and go about my mundane day, all thought if it vanishes.
And by the time I go back to sleep, I can no longer call to mind what it is that bothered me.
o.o.o
I spend the next few days in solitude, only allowing for such forced fraternization as training.
/Are you still sulking? You were rejected, toyed with. Accept it. Good that you know now and can seek a worthier companion./
'You are so annoying.'
/As are you./
It's all just as well, I suppose. As I suspected, Naruto took the decision right out of my hands. I just didn't know it would hurt so much.
That it would hurt still.
I thought all my pain had already been used up on my family.
/There is always more to be had. You should know this by now./
And it's all Naruto's fault. He gave me every indication that he wanted it, that he wanted me. I had no idea what I felt until he pushed me to examine it. Up until now, I had relegated any such inclinations deep into the cells of my subconscious where they wouldn't bother me.
I was perfectly happy with the arrangement.
/Happy?/
Well, accepting. And I would have remained so, fine with denying myself, until the end of my days. I wouldn't have had to consider what I could miss.
How I hate him.
"I'm not gay."
And how does that make any sense whatsoever? If it was so simple to decide what you are, then I wouldn't have had a problem to begin with.
/. Why do you insist on dredging up the distant, fruitless past?/
'It was two days ago.'
/Distant enough. It is time to move on to better things. Like your relationship with the girl./
'Sakura?'
/With the pink hair, yes./
'Why? It's a lost cause, anyhow.'
/I would not be so sure. And would it not be worth it?/
'I don't really want to use her that way.' It's a strange thing to admit. 'She's one of the few people who actually stood by me.'
/Precisely. Her loyalty to you is exactly what makes her perfectly suited. Do you want to live or do you want to die?/
'I want to be true to myself.'
/Tch! What nonsense. One ridiculous little misstep and you're ready to sacrifice everything, and for what? This is nothing more than your perpetual cowardice rearing its ugly head yet again. What do you care what an insignificant, infantile boy does? What do you care for the peace of mind of Konoha? They only hate you for circumstances beyond your control from ages ago. They have no reason to want to be rid of you now besides their own meager insecurities./
'Oh yes, and you wouldn't be enough of a reason?'
/They are unaware of my existence./
'I meant my defection.'
Idiot.
/I can hear you, dear Sasuke. Even when you do not speak to me./
'And?'
/Without my helping hand, you are doomed./
'And so are you. Don't think I don't know you always act out of self-interest. With my compliance or not, you'll do what you deem necessary to ensure your survival. You always have.'
/And what is so wrong about that? Self-preservation is only natural. Besides, you act as if the idea of the girl is a fate worse than death. I assure you, it is not. I know./
'You should, but unfortunately you're not technically dead.'
And then the parasite goes silent. I don't know whether he's plotting further or simply run out of things to say. The former, I'd guess, since I'm not sure the latter is possible.
I swallow thickly and search my mind for that omnipresent leech, but he has chosen to ignore me.
Rather unfair how easily he can do that too, when I cannot.
At any rate, moping over this like some lovesick teenager – the moniker doesn't suit me – is a total waste of time.
/Hmph./
I have another concern anyway, not the least of which is my new team leader.
Anko is clearly still wary of me, analyzing my every move from the corner of her skinny eyes, just waiting for me to trip up. I steer as far away from her as humanly possible, whenever possible. I'm not sure what she suspects, but whatever it is, I have no intention of handing over any ammunition.
Most often I hole up in the empty apartment to spend as much of my time alone as I am able. The few unfortunate times that I've crossed paths with Kakashi, I quickly cut him off before he can delve into uncomfortable subjects. I 'm seriously researching the condition of temporary insanity because I'm sure that's what I was suffering from when I confided in him.
It has made things oddly strained between us, which is fine, but it has also made it difficult to live under the same roof, which is not.
I neither want to face Naruto after my humiliation, nor know how to handle Sakura after my ill-timed and false offer.
My preference is avoidance as I wait for time to pass by.
/What a simple, insolent child you are./
My flesh and blood roommate is absent right now and when I hear the knock on the door, I am sorely tempted to ignore it.
The knocking grows insistent, downright annoying and I know it must be Naruto and there's no way I'm answering it now. Suddenly, I hear Sakura's voice.
/Answer that. This is no time for hesitation./
'And now you're interested?'
/Aren't you?/
Not really.
/You must let her in, she has only ever been faithful to your well-being, even when the boy would hurt you. You need her to preserve your life./
'Don't be ridiculous.'
But I get up anyway and when I go to open the door, the pounding on it is so fervent that it makes my hand shake. I'm surprised she doesn't simply break it down.
As I am about to open it, my parasite pulls an about face and rears back.
/On second thought, don't open it./
'Why?'
/You won't want to see what's there. Not any more than I do./
Orochimaru saying that is a surefire way to get me to do the opposite. So I do. Sakura is smiling nervously or sickly, they look strangely the same, but it's the person in front of her that immediately draws my attention.
Naruto.
Then I was right. But I feel like I am part of one big, all-encompassing prank and regret letting useless inquisitiveness get the better of me. I shoot a nasty glance to Sakura, swiftly followed by a questioning one. She rolls her eyes away, incapable of looking directly at me, and shakes her head. For no good reason, I take that to mean that she hasn't recounted our conversation to Naruto.
"Hey!" Naruto yells way too brightly with that dopey smile on his face. His eyes have apparently not gotten the message, as they are dim and shadowed around the edges. "Look who I ran into!"
He makes it sound as if meeting up with Sakura is a once a year event worth celebrating. To my satisfaction, Sakura gives the back of Naruto's head a look of incredulous disgust. At long last, she faces me.
"Hello, Sasuke."
I return her look for a long moment and then focus back on Naruto. "What do you want?"
He laughs without mirth, his hands fidgety and twitchy as if this is his first day with them and he's taking a test drive.
"So," he says. "I was thinking." He pauses, probably expecting my usual interrupting jibe about his "thinking abilities", but when I stay silent he hesitates, apparently at a loss. By the time he continues, his confidence has waned. "It's been a long time since the three of us have done anything together, so I thought . . . you're not busy, are you?"
I snarl quietly and stare hard at him, not "yes" but not exactly "no" either.
I can pretend nothing happened just as well as he can.
He smiles again, close to an apology and I hate when he does that; it makes it harder to stay mad at him.
/Do not lose your direction now. Remember how he hurt you and used you. He deserves no forgiveness./
"Well, we haven't had a good, old-fashioned training session, you know, the three of us like we used to. Remember how fun that used to be?" He volleys his head rapidly from one of us to the other.
Sakura looks at him as if he has just sprouted antennae from his head and announced that he is here from the planet Mars and can we take him to our leader, please? "Fun?" She snaps incredulously.
"No," I reply, nixing the idea neatly. Fighting with Naruto would involve touching Naruto and I don't want to be that near him, even if it's to injure.
/Good, my pet, good./
'Shut up.'
"Then I guess we could get some ramen," he suggests, putting his hand to his chin, the deep thought causing his neck to bend under the pressure. "We used to do that sometimes, too."
Sakura cuffs him so hard on the back of the head that his eyes almost fly clear out of their sockets to smash against the door. "Ramen? Is that the only thing you can think of?"
Naruto begins his usual protest, proclaiming the many and varied virtues of ramen, but I can hardly be made to care. Ramen, training, whatever, I can't believe he thinks we can just go back to what we were as if nothing has changed. I am about to tell them both to get lost when Sakura slams her foot down, literally. I hear the crack in the floor.
"I am not going to eat ramen again!" She shrieks and I'm sure people are craning out their windows to determine what all the fuss is about. "Can't you think with anything besides your stomach?"
"Then you come up with something if it's so easy!" Naruto crosses his arms over his chest defiantly, apparently believing it impossible for her to complete such an elementary task.
They are arguing quite vehemently and exclusively with each other. I am just the parsley garnish on the plate, which is perfectly fine as it allows me the opportunity to bow out completely. I begin to back into the apartment, closing the door discreetly after me, but Naruto catches the movement and quickly stops it with his hand on the door. He leans in. I can feel the edges of his breath on my face and the dizziness it causes in me makes me scowl.
/Keep your resolve, Sasuke-kun. Now is not the time to falter. Do not forget: he has used you, just like all the others. He will lie to you, abuse you and abandon you./
He's got a lot of nerve getting into my personal space after he was so clearly revolted by it the other day. My face glows crimson with anger.
"Oh no, you don't," he declares with a dark, abnormal gleam in his eye. "You're not getting out of this that easily." But I can see his arm is strained too far. There's shortness to his breath that wasn't there before.
I keep my expression as neutral as a pane of glass, but quickly glance to Sakura, narrowing my gaze.
"Well?" Naruto asks.
The one side of my body is heated from the pressure of that stare.
/Kick him out! End this foolishness once and for all!/
Sakura has either been too distracted or angry to notice our interchange, or she's excellent at pretending either way because her features haven't shifted. Then, for no particular reason, she swiftly searches through her pockets, finally whipping out a small box as if prepared for just this moment.
"We should do this," she declares, lifting her chin.
I peek at the item.
/Stop getting distracted!/
"What's that?" Naruto takes the box into his hand, careful not to let go of the door.
Discreetly, I look sideways over his shoulder.
Not that I care.
He thumbs out the first of the cards and deftly flips it over, revealing a queen of hearts that smiles at me slyly.
Both Naruto and I look up at Sakura as she stands with her hands resting resolutely on her hips.
"A deck of cards?" Naruto asks skeptically.
Without saying so, I agree.
"And why not?" Sakura challenges. "At least it doesn't center on fighting or eating, which will be a new venue for the both of you. What," she taunts, "don't you know how to play?"
The sinister smile that gradually spreads across Naruto's lips does not fill me with confidence. Especially when he turns to me and I think of the small, enclosed space we'll be trapped in, too close together and with too many opportunities for things to go ill.
/Yes, that cannot bode well. However, it will give you a chance to get closer to the girl. If you play your cards right. Ku-ku-ku./
'That was awful.'
Then there is a soft, warm hand on my shoulder as Sakura flashes a suspiciously innocent smile.
I can't say I much care for the glint in her eye either.
o.o.o
"Come on," Naruto whines after inviting himself into my home. "You can't have anything against cards."
And I discover that the word "fine" has escaped my lips without asking for my permission. I say it with weary irritation, not wanting to agree but caught in one of those situations where it would be worse not to.
Not looking at him, I follow him into my apartment.
"What, don't you want to?" He then asks in the disbelieving tone of a person who cannot understand why everyone doesn't hold the same interests or desires as they do.
But it's too late to take anything back now and his attempt only exacerbates the wound.
"It's fine." The sentence feels like sandpaper ground over my tongue, filing off the ends of my teeth as it makes its way free.
All is moot anyhow. Yes or no, they would never have relinquished the fragile hold they have my time and acquiescence.
/And how disappointing. But you must at east use your time wisely to distance yourself from the boy and move closer to the girl./
'Just leave me alone.'
/I only have your best interests at heart, my dear./
'Somehow I doubt that.'
"Hey!" Naruto bursts into the living room like a sudden storm, overexcited by trivial things. "That's the perfect table."
I plant myself at the farthest corner wall and sense before I see when Sakura passes me by.
Naruto is busy rearranging my furniture to meet proper card-playing feng shui guidelines. The table is light and easily moved, but I can still see the strain of the muscles in his hands and neck, can imagine their workings beneath his oversized jacket and my eyes go glassy. Not long ago, those muscles and sinew moved for me, over me, with me.
/No, no, no. You are thinking of things you shouldn't./
In my mind's eye, I can form pieces of experience into a whole that lets me fill in the space of a future I will never have with a thousand intimate memories.
/Give it up, my pet. He has certainly made it clear how he truly feels./
I blink and shake my head free of the thoughts as water from a colander and return to impassively monitoring the two invaders.
Sakura is overseeing Naruto and while it is the natural order of things, there is something contrived about the way she pitches her voice and the way he gripes a little too much. It's overdone, like a play they've put on many times before. This isn't the first time I've noticed the peculiar tension between them.
But then Naruto is complaining again. "I don't care if you say I can only think with my stomach, I'm hungry." His face comes into focus and I am struck by the painfully recognizable twelve-year-old pout. "There's got to be some good food here. Right, Sasuke?"
Of course, idiot, the incline of my head states.
"No reason to be mean!"
I snort.
"All right, all right!" Sakura shouts with exasperation. "We'll get something to eat. Come with me, Sasuke."
/Ah, very good. Promising./
'Don't be an idiot.'
Sakura beckons imperiously for me to accompany her. Eager to be out of Naruto's immediate vicinity, I follow. That and I don't like people rifling through my things without my supervision.
"Snacks!" Naruto insists. "Snacks!"
With a disgusted roll of my head, I enter the kitchen on Sakura's tail. It takes her about thirty seconds flat to discover the contents of every cabinet, crack, cranny, and corner. As her hand clutches the handle of cabinet number seven, I place mine over hers, stopping it. I don't like it when people casually search through my stuff.
She blushes in anger, struggles with finding the proper expression to wear and yanks her hand away.
/See, see? Such an encouraging reaction./
'What did I just tell you?'
But the feel of her hand imprints itself into my mind.
They are my mother's hands.
/And your mother was a good woman, was she not? And you wouldn't want to be a failure or disappointment to her, would you?/
"There are some chips over here," I indicate, trying to draw attention away from . . . whatever.
Sakura nods but isn't paying attention as she begins to appropriate Naruto's demanded snacks.
Soon I am standing at the kitchen counter, holding a large tub of greasy chips that I, for one, would not term "good food" while Sakura busies herself beside me.
I want nothing of this suffocating socialization.
/Time to institute the plan . . ./
Sakura patiently pours three drinks into three dissimilar glasses as if to represent our respective personalities. The one with the flower motif I assume to be hers, the faceted one to be Naruto's, and the plain, boring one distinguishable only by the crack in its side is mine.
As she performs her menial task, I study her. I've never really looked at her before so I have no way to describe her.
Now, screwing up my face as though to will the illusive words forth, I try to find them.
Her hair is short.
/How eloquent./
Her face is round, moon-shaped, and her eyes seem unnaturally large though her mouth is small. Except of course when she's yelling, in which case it encompasses the whole of her face, threatening to spill out into the empty space around her.
She has narrow shoulders, but the rest of her is ample, forming an "s" shape from the side and a figure eight from the front. She promises to resemble her teacher when she's older.
It had never occurred to me before exactly how much that doesn't appeal to me.
/Wipe that sneer off your lip. And you have decided things before sampling them. Do not be so quick to judge./
I'm not so sure it's "quick". Every girl I've ever met held not the least bit of interest for me beyond their worth as a fighter. At least I don't have to be annoyed anymore by their unsolicited attentions.
/Don't be an imbecile. That is precisely what you need now. Now, truly, truly consider the girl. She is attractive. Yes?/
I guess, if I really think about it, it has always been Naruto. From way back, from before such concerns ever entered my mind with any conscious thought.
/Forget him. He doesn't want you, remember? Don't pine over him like some silly girl./
I hardly knew him before I began to feel something that couldn't be easily defined. It has taken me this long to realize it.
/You cannot excel at everything. I suppose self-awareness is not your forte, but what does it matter? You repulse him./
'I know.'
/He looked like he was on the brink of retching./
'I know.'
/Isn't that enough to make you change your mind?/
Resignation is a bitter pill I have come to know well. All it takes is a little water to get it down.
/Very good, my dear. Now look to the girl./
I consider Sakura again.
/She is lovely, is she not? A big forehead, perhaps, but that is hardly a tragedy. And most importantly, she is likely the only girl in all of Konohagakure who may be willing to provide you with an heir. Well, there may be a few others floating around, but with your less than stellar social skills, we do not have the time to tarry with them./
That would be more insulting if it weren't so patently true.
/Precisely, my pet./
And so, I have but one option left.
Sakura.
It is ironic that now that I might want Naruto, the only way to keep him is to be with Sakura. And even then, the best I can hope for is just to be where he is. Eventually, maybe we could become friends again. That would be enough and about as much as I could expect.
/What is this sentimental drivel? You think there is a way to befriend him again? Why would you even want to? After what he did?/
'I've done worse.'
/Does that excuse it?/
'Maybe.'
/It does not. Besides, all that matters is surviving. Though I suppose that even if it is for such ridiculousness as you spout, it still comes down to surviving. So do something. The clock is ticking./
I look over to Sakura. Poor, ever-present, sidelined Sakura.
I don't hate her, that is true enough. One might even say I like her, as much as I like anybody.
It wouldn't be all bad, would it?
/No, no, my dear. She wouldn't hurt and betray you as others have. She would be good for you. Loyal./
'Yes, like a dog, apparently.'
/Don't be crude./
'Besides, you keep saying that, but why would Sakura be any different?'
There is a lengthy pause.
/Ah, I concede your point. But if you are to be abandoned regardless, you may as well pick the route that will preserve your life./
I consider it.
"You know," the subject of our discussion says unexpectedly, raising her eyes to me, "Naruto told me what happened."
He did, did he? I show only aggravation.
"I understand that new things can be frightening," she turns to the counter. "But that's no reason to run away."
What's this story he's telling?
"That's not what happened," I inform her acerbically. "He . . ."
/ There is nothing to be gained in telling her the truth. You must spin it to your side, convince her it was you who were disgusted and not he. She could be swayed to your side if you play this intelligently. Besides, this only goes to show how little the fox can be trusted. Once again, after humiliating you, he gossips to the first person he meets./
I purse my lips. "Is not what I want," I finish lamely.
Sakura places the drinks carefully on a small tray. They fizzle and pop as she stares at them, an ice cube in one altering its position with a crystalline clink. "Then what was all of it for? You and me and Naruto?" She shakes her head with finality.
/Ah, but her reaction betrays hope. Or at the very least, introspection./
'Don't look too much into things.'
/My, but you are infantile. Affection remains. Fidelity. And most of all, salvation./
Sakura glances to me, the furrows in her brow showing confusion shaded with worry and deep thought. She has not been wholly convinced one way or the other, despite what she says.
Of course, neither have I.
But there are no good options.
The short table has been pulled to the center of the living room, with the cards already dealt when we reenter. Naruto is bouncing in his seat with too much enthusiasm, an attitude that Sakura quickly quells with a "No, put those cards back in the deck and reshuffle."
Her thin finger wiggles at the end of her hand like bait on a hook.
"Why," Naruto demands in indignation.
Unaffected, Sakura hands him his drink – the faceted one as I had guessed – and rolls her eyes. "Because I don't trust you. You could have looked at those cards at any time."
Taking the glass, Naruto looks down inside it and sticks his lip out in a pout. "Always thinking the worst of me," he grumbles like a kid, but drags the cards back into a single pile anyway.
I try not to think it's cute.
/Try harder./
I cross my legs beneath me when I sit and I assume Sakura does the same since she makes no mention of the way Naruto's legs stretch out the length of the table, practically reaching me on the far end.
The new hand is dealt and we begin.
I don't want to play this stupid game.
/Patience, my pet. You need to spend more time on the girl. We must work with what opportunities are given us./
About fifteen minutes later, Naruto yells a hearty "Gin!" which earns him nothing but a smack courtesy of Sakura's hand and an informative "We're playing poker, idiot!"
This causes him to spurt his drink by route of his nose and almost into my hair but I duck in time.
He's wiping the unattractive dribble from his face with the hem of his sleeve while shouting gibberish about how no one told him and what's the difference anyway. In general, making a spectacle of himself.
And this is what I've decided I want?
I must surely be insane.
/Yes, that does seem to be the only logical explanation./
He grouses down at his cards and slams them on the table, their deserved punishment for being "gin" instead of "four of a kind". As he tosses his cards into the middle for a new deal, he raises his head and suddenly smiles, apprehensively, for no apparent reason. His gaze fixes on me as if nothing else exists in his world.
Oh right. Now I remember.
/You cannot seem to remember that it is all a lie./
For a minute, I forget to breathe.
"So, four for Naruto," Sakura says, relinquishing the cards with a disapproving huff through her nose. "Sasuke?"
"Two," I reply, not skipping a beat. I place the discards into the center at the same moment Naruto decides to reach for his new ones. The barest tip of his finger meets mine and a moment of breathless electricity careens through my body almost knocking me over.
/This is not good./
No. It's not.
I take up my cards and sort them into my hand, not too slow, not too fast, and behave as if nothing unusual has occurred.
Naruto holds his hand in the same position in the center of the table, staring at me for a while and biting his lip, before using his finger to gently brush the cards to his side. He fans them in front of his face and soon his eyes are glued to their possibilities as he sorts through the various combinations of cards like an adding machine.
All I have is that horrible queen of hearts.
/Hmph./
"Three for me," Sakura states and deposits her useless cards into the graveyard and replaces them with those at the top of the pile.
"All right, so . . ." Sakura gently places her hand down on the table and sorts through her yen. "I'll bet three."
High rollers, that's what we are.
Naruto calls and I do the same, there's no possibility of me not doing so; it's a matter of pride.
Sakura wins easily with three of a kind, and even I beat Naruto, who had absolutely nothing. I'm not sure he actually knows how to play.
Things go on like this for a while and though hardly exciting, it is relatively benign. We all start to relax and I take several glances over to Sakura. I'm still debating. Plus, I wouldn't know how to make it all work with Sakura anyway.
/Sadly, that is true enough./
When Sakura deals out the next set, I make a point to put my hand over hers in some hopeless attempt to stir up the same flash of emotion I got with Naruto. Nothing happens aside from a nervous jolt of her hand and the casual removal of her fingers. She refuses to look at me.
I can't really look at her either.
/Do not be so ridiculous. Just like the cards, this is a game. You must persevere and wait for the right hand./
'I don't know what you mean.'
/Of course you don't, my boy. You are so terribly clueless./
And the game continues on, boring as ever, but uneventful is better than disaster.
Then I feel an uninvited appendage stretch over to my side of the table. I examine both my opponents, but neither gives any clear sign of being the culprit. But I could make a pretty good guess.
The foot eases over mine and up along my clothed leg. When I search Naruto's face for a sign, all he does is yell "call!" and antes up his bet.
His movements seem a little more constrained than normal.
I fold my hand and push away from the table inelegantly at the same time that I lay down my cards. Naruto shifts faintly and his foot traces my movement. With an uncontrollable spasm, I lever against the table edge and hoist myself to my feet. Sakura looks up at me curiously, while Naruto adamantly pretends not to notice. I seize my half empty glass.
/Awkward, my pet. Do not lose before you have played./
"I'm getting something to drink," I excuse myself hastily and rush out of the room and into the comparative safety of the kitchen.
I collapse into the sink, the glass making a horrible crashing, sloshing noise when it hits the metal.
/Get control of yourself, you foolish boy. Do not make a big deal of trifling things. It is just a game to him, as simple as this game of cards. Remember what he has done./
My body has become over-sensitized with Naruto's nonsense. There is no other explanation. With the faucet running cold, I splash some water over my face to cool down. The clear liquid cycles down into the silver center drain.
I have got to control the situation better.
"You all right?"
Too absorbed in my thoughts, I completely missed Naruto's entrance. I whirl around, my wet hair sending droplets of water spraying over his face.
He tilts his head to me - the water drips down his cheek and how does that not bother him - waiting for a response. I don't know where he gets off acting normal after . . .
"Don't even," I warn without bothering to finish the sentence.
His eyebrows pinch together in the middle of his forehead and his lower lip pushes against his upper.
It's endearing, in its way.
No, wait . . .
/Useless./
"But," he whimpers. "You haven't let me explain anything. Look . . . "
"There's nothing to explain," I state, not wanting to hear any lame, made-up excuses.
"You don't understand." He's speaking very quietly, especially for him.
"I understand perfectly well," I snarl, trying to keep my rising voice in check. "People in neighboring lands understood that."
"That's not true!" He squeaks.
I grip my fists tight, talking a step back from him and glare straight into those deep blue lying eyes. "Just stop." My blood is glowing hot again. "I don't want to hear any more lies."
"But I'm not lying! If you would just listen to me . . ."
/But he has nothing to say that you would want to hear./
"I don't want to hear it." My tone is startlingly calm while my gaze is as still as ice. "You've had your little fun and now it's over."
"Fun? But . . ." Naruto is faltering, unsure what to say.
"It won't happen again." I decree with finality.
His puzzled but sheepish countenance only serves to irritate me more and I shoulder past him gruffly. A least he doesn't have the nerve to try and protest.
/And what could he explain? Nothing. Because it was the truth he revealed in that moment and now his joke has been unmasked./
When I trudge back into the living room, Sakura is silently shuffling and reshuffling the cards as if hypnotized by their movement, doing her best to block out everything she's overheard. Her face is shadowed by what seems to me to be a modified sort of regret.
/Now, dear pet, before you lose your chance, your life, everything I have worked so hard for . . . /
I sit down, my hurt and anger and determination making me blind.
"Sakura," I say, and wait for her to focus on me. With intense concentration, I hold her gaze and bite back my trepidation to help me say the next words. "He is not what I want."
Her lips pull into a white stripe, doggedly refusing to believe it. Her head convulses to the left but nothing else changes.
With a slow blink of dismissal, she rotates her head away, glances across the room and that's when I at last achieve a bitter success.
Sakura's mouth drops, just a little, as if her jaw hinge has slipped, and she takes in a quick gulp of air.
"Oh, I, uh, forgot."
His voice is soft, damp, like the melting of ice the moment before it cracks.
"I've got a new mission early in the morning. I'd . . . better go."
I'm shocked into utter numbness, too stunned to even be certain what I should feel.
I feel like my world has returned to black.
/Triumphant, my pet. Vindicated. This is as it should be./
Sakura appears as stricken as if she has just seen her teammate fall in the line of duty.
It is a strange, long, excruciating moment, confined in the vacuum of my false confession.
Then, Naruto leaves.
And Sakura and I are alone, with not a thing in the world to say.