A/N: Thanks to whomever nominated this story (and my others) for the Fandom Choice Awards. It was very kind.
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She stood at the edge of the wood amongst a copse of young trees, perhaps twenty-five yards away. "LeeLee!" he yelled.
And then she was gone, sprinting away before he could move.
"Oh god, what have you done? What did we do?" Emily whispered. Then she started to yell. "Leah? Leah?" She didn't realize how fast Leah could be.
Sam realized that the reason he hadn't budged wasn't the order of the imprint. He was just too startled to move. She had released him, if only for a moment. Emily had told him to get away from her, and get away he did. He didn't wait for her to change her mind. He shed his clothing as soon as he hit the tree line, ignoring Emily's confused questioning. She was calling his name, but it wasn't an order to return. He knew now that if she forced him to return, he would not be able to resist. He phased as soon as he was out of her line of sight, grabbing his clothes in his jaw. He ran, but he was still close enough to hear her yell, "Make sure she's okay!"
He searched for Leah in the pack mind, but she wasn't there. She was avoiding him. She would know she could not evade him for long in her human form, but she must have decided that she did not want to see inside his mind. And after what she had just witnessed, she probably doubted he would bother going after her at all.
It was only a matter of seconds until he caught up to her. She was nude, shivering probably from exhaustion more than cold, hair plastered to her head from the increasingly heavy rain. She had dropped her shredded dress during her attempt to escape, but as he approached, she tried to shield herself with her hands. The gesture, combined with the terrible look of betrayal on her face, broke his heart. She should never have to hide from him.
He gathered himself back into his human body, and he held his arms out to her. She stumbled backward, away from him. "LeeLee, please, that wasn't…" He meant to tell her that wasn't him, but the imprint stopped his voice. "It isn't… I don't..." But again, he found he could not speak.
"What," she yelled. "That wasn't what it looked like? What it sounded like? I really don't see how that's possible." She had wrapped her arms over herself to cover her breasts. She was clutching her own flesh so tightly she would leave marks. He wanted to pull her hands into his and kiss the bruises away.
"Please, it really isn't." Apparently this was a vague enough statement that the imprint allowed it. "It's so hard to explain." When he realized she wouldn't come near him, he held out his white dress shirt. She grabbed it from him and slipped her arms in, quickly closing a few buttons. He pulled on his boxers and slacks even though they were soaked; perhaps the uncomfortable fabric would keep him from getting too aroused from the sight of her standing in front of him in his translucent shirt and nothing else. She looked gorgeous despite her devastation.
"Really? Did I mishear you, or did you just tell her you're in love with her?" She spat out the words as if they tasted foul in her mouth. Miserably, he said nothing, and he saw despair break through the anger on her face. Though she knew what she had heard, she had hoped he would tell her otherwise. But he could not. "How long has this been going on?" she whispered.
"Not long. And it really isn't what you think."
"But you didn't just wake up this morning and decide you're in love with Emily. When did it start?"
He almost laughed, she was actually so close to the truth. "Actually, it did just start," he began. "There was nothing between us just yesterday."
She cut him off before he could get any farther. Which was probably well enough, because he had no idea how to explain this to her in a way that made any sense, particularly since he no longer had control over his own voice. He wanted to tell her he loved her above all else, that his feelings for Emily were nothing more than brainwashed lies, but he knew that he would get none of that past his throat. "Really? Is that so? But apparently you've never really loved me. That's what you told her, right? That you were never in love with me?"
"But I... I really... I've always..." He tried to say it, to say the words once and for all. But now that he had finally worked up the nerve, it was physically impossible.
"That's right. You can't do it. You can't even say it like a plausible lie. You've never once told me you loved me, not once, Sam. Not in all the time we've spent together, not even when you asked me to marry you. And you're trying to tell me that you've never given her a second look, but all of a sudden you're in love with her? Out of nowhere?"
"That's not..." he tried to protest. He meant to say that he didn't love Emily, but he couldn't get anything else out.
She was furious, shaking where she stood. But more than that, she was hurt. "Should I be thanking you for showing me now, at my own father's funeral, to spare me the indignity of walking in on the two of you fucking in your bed? Because you have some serious timing issues, and some real nerve. Was there really not a better way to do that?"
"Leah! We've never… It's not… We'd never..."
"Well, I never thought I'd see what I just saw. In fact, the past few weeks have been pretty much impossible. So actually, compared to what we've been going through, I guess I should be grateful for something as normal and human as walking in on my fiancée and my cousin. At least that's a plausible thing to happen."
And that was when he realized how to explain himself, how to beg for forgiveness, how to begin convincing her not to leave him. His human life was slipping away from him. A new body was taking over, was using him like a puppet, but he could harness its power. His other form would allow him to communicate with her, and he was grateful for it. Because he needed her. He had no right to ask her for anything, not after what he had just done, but he couldn't give her up. He wouldn't. Not only because he loved her with every ounce of honesty and truth that was left in him, not only because she had always been his most devoted and loyal friend, not only because she was the most passionate lover he could ever hope to possess, not only because a future without her was void and meaningless, but because he knew that deep down, she needed him as much as he needed her. Only she could save him from the strange force threatening to consume him, threatening to destroy whatever was left of the man he wanted to be. She was his rock, his savior, his choice, and he wanted to be hers. Because she was trapped in this mess as much as he was. If she still had their original future ahead of her, even without him, he might have been able to let her go. He might have been able to watch her go to college, find a new love, make a new life, make a family and a career and be happy.
But they were both trapped here. Supernatural forces had conspired to alter her future along with his, and he would do everything in his power to stay with her. He had, after all, made it his life's mission to make her happy, to care for her, to cherish her, and to keep her safe. And no imprint could take that away from him. Only she could.
"I can't tell you what happened." She looked disgusted and started to turn away. He reached for her arm. "I need to show you. LeeLee, this just happened. Just now, just today. I literally don't have the words to explain it to you, or how I feel about her, or how I feel about you. Please phase with me."
She laughed incredulously. "I don't think I want to see that."
"It really isn't what you think," he insisted, although the truth wouldn't hurt her any less.
"I don't think so."
"Please," he begged. "You can't avoid me forever. Let's do this now, before anything else happens." He didn't want to wait. He wasn't sure how long he'd have before Emily separated them again. He had to show her while he still had the chance. He had to fix what they had before it was too late.
She just shook her head again. "I suppose it's best that this happened now instead of after we got married, huh? You're probably glad you spared yourself the trouble."
It was like a knife through the heart. She didn't want to get married anymore? Was it all ending, right here, right now, after everything they had been through together? It couldn't be. "No, LeeLee. No." He tightened grip. "I still want..." But he couldn't say it. He couldn't tell her he wanted to marry her no matter how true it was.
She stared down at his hand on her skin and waited for him to finish his thought. He never did, so she just shook her head. "What time is it?"
Was that really what she wanted to know? After what had just happened? "What?"
Her voice was flat. "You heard me. What time is it? Am I missing it? Is it happening right now? I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm phased."
And then he felt even worse. She ought to be surrounded by her family at this moment. He should have been standing beside her, holding her up and reminding her how very loved she was. He ought to be letting her cry on his shoulder, not breaking her heart. "We have about an hour before it starts. It's at sunset, remember?"
She nodded blankly, pulled her arm free, and began to walk away.
He followed her. "Where are you going?"
"Home. I think I have time to shower and change and still get there in time."
"I'll go with you," he said.
"Don't bother."
Thankfully he wasn't compelled to follow her directions as he was Emily's. She needed to hear what had happened. "I know you don't want to hear what I have to say, but it's really important."
She shook her head. "Now's not the right time to tell me why you don't really love me, Sam."
He felt like the worst kind of scum. "That's not what I was going to say."
But she wasn't listening any longer. "You really should consider waiting until I've got pants on. Panties at the very least. Or maybe until after I've buried my..." The anger in her voice faded into a choking noise, and she started to cry. She vainly attempted to wipe the tears from her face.
He would have given anything to take away her pain. "LeeLee, I'm so sorry."
"I don't need your apology," she muttered through hitching breaths. "It's useless."
So he did what he should have been doing all day long, what he was doing until he looked into Emily's eyes. He grabbed her by her shoulders and twisted her around to take her into his arms. She struggled and squirmed and tried to pull away, but he held fast. She was strong, but he was stronger. And he was more determined. As angry and bewildered as she was, she needed his comfort, and he needed her to know that he would not abandon her. She had to understand how much she still meant to him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you alone." He pulled her tightly against his chest.
Her voice was muffled against his chest. "Even if I don't want you here?"
"Not until you understand what happened." He knew that he needed to stay with her in order to fight the hold Emily had on him. "And then I'm hoping you'll let me stay. It's selfish, it is, but I also want to be here for you."
She slipped her hands to his sides, but it wasn't an embrace. She dug her nails into his flesh. Under other circumstances it would have aroused him; her breasts were soft against his chest, and she was so close that her lips moved against his skin. "So where were you half an hour ago?"
He had to show her, and he needed her to help him. "I'll show you if you'll phase with me."
She shook her head and pulled away from him. He wanted to draw her back, because without the grounding force her body provided, he started to feel the physical pull back to Emily. "Not now. I need to get some clothes."
"It'll be faster as wolves."
"For the last time, no!" She stalked away.
"Okay, okay. But I can't go like this either. Can we stop by my house first? It's on the way to yours."
She glared at him. "So go ahead. I'm not stopping you."
"I really don't want to be apart." He feared he would run back to Emily the second she was out of sight.
He was actually surprised he had been able to say as much as he had. The imprint filtered his words in a way that made him afraid to speak. So he was glad when she just nodded without asking any further questions. She was probably too exhausted to challenge him further. However, she steadily refused to phase together, even to shorten their journey, certain she did not want to know what was going on in his brain. So she walked stiffly in front of him at a rapid clip.
Sam was torn between twin urges to take her hand in his or to return to Emily. The latter was not overwhelming, and the former would not be appreciated. So he simply trailed behind her. He was afraid she would bolt when they arrived at his house, but after sneaking through the back door behind him, she went straight for a blanket in the linen closet, wrapping it protectively around herself. She reluctantly accepted one of his T-shirts and a pair of old boxer shorts that no longer fit him. He would have told her how cute she looked if he didn't think she would slap him for it.
After hastily throwing on his only other dress shirt and slacks, they headed out to his truck. As they took the short drive to her home, he thought about trying to explain himself in words, but he feared that the only ones that would come out would describe Emily as his soulmate and true love. He couldn't trust himself to say what he meant, so he remained silent. She kept her eyes trained directly ahead of her for the entire ride, trying to hold her expression to a neutral mask. But he knew her too well. Under the surface was a riot of emotions, every one more devastating than the last.
He found himself terribly angry. Hadn't enough already been taken from her? Hadn't enough been taken from him? Not just her father and his, not just their very bodies, not only their educations, plans, dreams, and their very futures, but now they were supposed to lose each other as well? He would not accept it. He would not give in. This was where he would draw the line. It didn't matter what the elders said, what Emily said, what the spirits said. The only one who mattered was Leah herself. If she didn't want him anymore, he would just have to convince her.
Sam sat nervously on the edge of her bed while she showered. He tried to focus on the sound of her movements, the splash of water, the tapping of her feet against the tile, her ragged breaths interspersed with quiet sobs. But a picture pinned to her wall kept distracting him. It was a photograph of her and Emily grinning at the camera. The girls had their arms slung around each other and their heads tilted together. He had looked at it a hundred times before. It was actually one of his favorites, because it showed off Leah's dimples so clearly. She looked so pretty, like she always did. But this time he had to work to see her at all. He couldn't take his eyes off Emily. He found himself wondering how he had never noticed the taper of her eyes before, or the angle of her cheekbone, or the style of her hair. He moved involuntarily through the hallway, and it was only the sound of Leah crying that stopped him from going down the stairs, outside, and driving directly to Emily's side. Instead he removed the picture from the wall, turned it over, and pushed the pin back into place so that he could see neither of their faces. Then he sat on the floor of the hallway, leaning his back against the bathroom door. He nearly fell in when she finally opened it again.
She was clad only in a towel and a bandage for her supposedly-wounded cheek, so she stepped over him and entered her bedroom without a word. She firmly closed the door behind her, so he stared at the wood as if he might be able to see through it if only he tried hard enough.
She emerged a few minutes later in black slacks, a black tunic, and her wet hair brushed back. She didn't look at him as she moved down the stairs, slipped on a pair of shoes, and went out the door, not bothering with an umbrella.
He didn't know what to say while he drove. She was locked inside herself in a way that alarmed him. She was usually so open and free. He could not remember a time when she had closed herself off so completely, not since they were small and she locked her window against his careless cruelty. He remembered his promise that he would never hurt her again. He could hardly believe how thoroughly he had broken that vow, first when he phased and left her alone, then when he lost his temper and ripped into her flesh, and finally now that he had broken her heart. Was there anything left for him to destroy? He might have considered giving in to the imprint and letting her find someone better than him, someone who was worthy of her, but he could not imagine the pain of watching her with another, nor could he fathom forcing her to watch him with her best friend. There had to be a solution. He simply had to find it.
But he would not find it that day.
Looking back, Sam would be unable to recall any details of the burial ceremony. He was completely unable to focus. He did not listen to the songs sung by the elders, he missed Billy retelling the story of how a soul might linger after death for several days to say goodbye to beloved people and places, and he didn't notice Leah's silent tears when Seth mused aloud about whether Harry was with them right now, bidding them farewell. It didn't register that Leah didn't grab his arm in an attempt to stay upright, but held onto Seth. He was too busy staring at Emily across the open grave.
Leah, likewise, didn't watch him watching Emily or Emily watching him. She didn't see the startled expression on her cousin's face, didn't notice that Emily's heartbeat was much too fast for someone standing still. She missed Billy's deep frown and Old Quil's concern. She didn't look up once during the entire ceremony. She didn't meet the gaze of a single person who wished her well or passed along their condolences. She didn't even look up when Emily gave her a tentative greeting; she simply stared fixedly at Emily's shoulder as if she could see through it to where her father lay. She didn't seem to hear Emily quietly telling Sam not to leave Leah alone, and she couldn't tell that the imprint temporarily loosened its grip on Sam's soul. Leah couldn't take her eyes off the casket, and long after it was lowered into the ground, she stared at the open pit.
Even when almost everyone had dispersed, Leah made no sound. Her breaths were shallow and quiet. She didn't sob or wail or cry out. Tears simply streamed down her face until she had none left to shed. The gauze she had used to disguise her smooth skin fell to the ground without her notice. She didn't move, not when rainwater streamed into her eyes, nor when her mother put a hand on her shoulder. Seth asked her if she was ready to go. She didn't respond. Sue asked if she wanted a minute alone with her father. She didn't answer. Seth tugged his mother to the car where it was dry.
When they were alone, Sam stepped between Leah and the open grave and tucked a stray lock of wet hair behind her ear. She didn't get angry, she didn't yell, didn't scream, didn't ask what was going on. "Are you okay?" he asked gently. She didn't answer, but she finally moved. But it was neither to bat his hand away nor to step into his waiting arms. She just stepped around him so that she could kneel at the edge of the grave. She sat on her heels and dug her fingers into her knees. Rain tapped against the lid and splashed at the edges. It was quite dark, but Sam's heightened senses saw that the walls of dirt surrounding the coffin were slowly turning to mud.
Finally she spoke. "Tell them to go."
He was torn. It was a reasonable request; Leah could tolerate the chill of the driving rain, but Sue and Seth needed to go home to change into dry clothes. He would only need to step away for a matter of seconds. But when he tried to walk he found himself stuck in place. It was the oddest feeling. He was trapped much in the same way that Leah was when she was running in wolf form and he ordered her to stop. He looked down at Leah. She was still staring into the grave. So he just gestured at Sue's car until she figured out what he meant and drove away.
When he turned back to Leah, she had leaned forward such that her wet hair had fallen in front of her face and her hands formed claws in the mud. She was whispering something so quietly that even Sam had difficulty hearing. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Daddy, I'm so sorry."
Sam couldn't take it any longer. He reached down and lifted her bodily into his arms. She squirmed and shoved at him, trying to get him to put her back down, but he held fast. She was trembling from head to toe, not due to the cold or a need to phase, but from her grief. The water and mud made her slippery; her strength tested his own. "Let me down, Sammy. Put me down."
He just held onto her more tightly. "Baby, no. I'm not letting you go."
When she finally realized how serious he was, she went limp and buried her face in his shoulder. Then deep sobs began. She held onto his shirt so tightly that he thought she might rip it. He just sat on the ground and wrapped himself around her. He didn't need to read her mind to know what she was thinking. "It isn't your fault. None of this is your fault."
"But it is, "she whispered. "If I had been able to stay in control, if I had been able to keep calm, if I had gotten outside like I knew I needed to, we wouldn't be here right now. He wouldn't be gone."
He rocked urgently. "You know that isn't how it works. Even if that first phase was under your control, which it just wasn't, you didn't give him a bad heart."
"That doesn't change what happened. It was me. Whether or not I meant to, whether it was under my control or not. I'm the one who killed him."
"You didn't. You just didn't." He didn't know how to make her see.
She finally looked up at him. "Even if that were true, it wouldn't matter. Because one way or another, he's gone."
Sam had no response to that other than to hold her closer. They stayed like that, huddled together, until the cold rain finally started to penetrate their heat. "Can I take you home? Can I take you somewhere warmer?"
She didn't answer, so he simply picked her up and started to walk back through the trees. He wanted to talk about the imprint, but he didn't know how to do so without sounding callous.
When she realized he was heading toward her house, she spoke again. "I don't want to go back there tonight. Not when he's not there."
"How about my house?" He could feel her trying to decide, and as the silence stretched out, he offered, "She's not there. She's never been there. I've never seen her without you except for the time we looked for engagement rings for you."
She scoffed and slid out of his arms. He wasn't sure if he should be happy that she was finally moving of her own volition. She started to stalk away. "Right. You never see her alone, but you're in love with her. So what, you fell in love with her while you were looking over my shoulder at her, huh?"
She didn't know how close to the truth her statement was. But he refused to concede that he loved Emily. It was a struggle to remember the difference between the false emotions of the imprint and his true heart, but here with Leah, he managed to suppress the urge to agree. "It's complicated."
"Why? Because she slapped you? Because you can't figure out how long to wait until after my dad's funeral to dump me?"
"No!" he yelled. "I don't want to break up!" He couldn't tell her he loved her, but he could say this much. "I asked you to marry me because that's what I wanted."
She laughed bitterly. "Oh? Do you still want to get married?" He tried to force the word "yes" through his throat, but it caught. She glared at him and scoffed. "But you don't want to break up, huh?"
"No. You don't know how much I care about you, LeeLee."
She shook her head incredulously. "I know you care about me. I've seen in there, remember?" She pointed at his skull. "And I know you like the sex. In fact, I know you love the sex." She narrowed her eyes. "So what am I, your glorified best friend with benefits? Your BFF that you really love to fuck? Is that what I am?"
"LeeLee, no. You're my fiancée!"
"Why are you even bothering?" she spat.
"Because I care about you!" he yelled back. It was the wrong thing to say. The only thing that stood a chance at breaking through to her was a wholehearted declaration of love, but now more than ever, he couldn't give her one. Not out loud. But his inability to say the words spoke volumes.
"Dammit, Sammy, you're too much of a boy scout. You can't even tell me now! You can't even lie to me right now to try to make me feel better. So what's the point?"
He wanted to tear his hair out in frustration. There was no way to explain in words what had happened, not when he wasn't free to speak from the heart. "I just can't say it, okay? But it doesn't mean I don't! You know me better than this. You know me," he pleaded.
"I thought I did! I really thought I did! But you're not making any sense! You love me but you're not in love with me. You wanted to marry me until just now, but you don't want to anymore. But you don't want to break up, either. Even though you're in love with Emily. So what, you'll date her and have me on the side? 'Cause I'm good enough if you're horny?"
He started to protest, "Of course not, no, no, not at all."
But she wasn't listening, perhaps because he still hadn't said anything coherent. She kept talking. "There's no need for a waiting period after the funeral, Sam, let's just break up right now. Let's not torture each other. No need to put it off until you feel less guilty about it. I don't want you here just because you feel bad about your shitty timing. You want to be with her? Go give it a shot. Go ahead!" She stopped herself short and her eyes widened in realization. "Wait, that's why you don't want to break up. She turned you down."
"What? That's not why…"
"Yes it is," she interrupted. "I heard her. She said it wasn't right. She said, 'What about Leah?' She told you she couldn't. That's why you don't want to break up! If you can't have her, you'll settle for me, is that it?"
That was it. He had no more patience left. He was mad at the spirits for cursing him with the wolf, angry with Emily for the crush that might destroy his relationship with Leah, and furious with himself for hurting his LeeLee. Why hadn't he told her he loved her when he had the chance? Why hadn't he opened every conversation and ended every goodbye with those words? Why had he allowed her to doubt his feelings for her? Until he phased, everything was going so well. His life was as close to perfect as he could imagine. His mother and grandmother were proud of him, he was on his way to a good college, on scholarship, no less, he was working and earning steady money, and she had agreed to be his wife. He had never been so excited about what life had to offer. And now this.
His wolf exploded out of him. This time he managed to throw himself backward before he phased, and he narrowly avoided slashing through her skin a second time. Leah, however, wasn't taking any chances. She phased alongside him in an instinctive attempt to protect her human form against his monstrous one.
What the hell was that? she accused as she growled at him with her wolf's voice. What right do you have to be so angry? What did you think she was going to do, throw her arms around you and tell you she'd always loved you too? Is that what you thought was going to happen?
No, no. Of course not! That's not what happened at all! He started to picture the terrible moment that Leah overheard, but she immediately began to yell.
I don't want to see it! I don't want to know.
She started to back away, determined to phase out and leave the confines of his mind, but he refused to let her go. Don't, please. Stay. I need to show you what happened. This is the only way I can tell you.
She was incredulous. What makes you think I want to see whatever happened between you? Are you out of your mind? Haven't I been through enough today without having to see that? Plus I already heard everything I needed to know.
He felt her pulling back, and without thought, he gave her an order. No! Don't phase back! You have to listen to me. You have to watch. You have to know.
She snarled at him in frustration, but his command overrode any impulse she had to depart their shared mind. But it didn't hold her in place. Leah ran in the only way left to her. She turned tail on him and sprinted away.
He didn't have the heart to stop her with another order, and it didn't matter anyway. No matter how fast she ran, she couldn't escape. She was trapped. Sam took off after her knowing he couldn't catch up; she was too fast. But they both knew now that he could stop her with a word. She had no choice but to watch his memories.
Sam tried to prepare her. He didn't want her to see their connection break, not yet, not even if he was doing his best to hang on to her. The moment of imprinting was a blow like no other, and he wanted her to know something about it first. So he began with Billy's explanation. But his thoughts were jumbled; his memory wasn't clear enough to replay the conversation like a movie, nor could he separate his thoughts from his emotions. It was the most confusing communication they had ever had. Leah, in her despair and grief, plucked out the worst words. Center of the universe. Most important creation in all of existence. True mates. Perfect matches.
She was stunned. She's your soulmate? The perfect partner, chosen by the spirits?
The spirits are wrong! Sam raged. That's what I need you to understand. That's what I can't say out loud, why I need you to stay phased with me.
She was too focused on Billy's explanation to listen to him, though. I still don't understand. What exactly happened?
This time he couldn't control himself well enough to hide it from her. He immediately recalled the moment he looked into Emily's eyes. The moment the planet's axis shifted. The moment he became disconnected from the world itself. The moment he lost Leah, the moment he lost himself, the moment he lost everything. She felt through his mind the sensation of everything he knew and loved becoming forcibly torn from him.
Oh my god, she whispered. Oh, Sam. And then she felt the power of the chains that bound him to Emily. She was devastated. Oh my god. That's it, isn't it? So that's it, it's really over? You and I, we're over, and you and Em… She pictured the intimate embrace that she had seen outside the funeral home, the way Sam had tenderly cupped Emily's skull in his hands as he kissed her forehead.
No, no, that's not it. That's not all. You're not seeing the whole picture, he insisted. You have to see the rest! He needed her to understand that he wasn't giving up, he wasn't giving in. He needed her to know that he refused to lose her. He tried to show her how he reached out for her with his heart, with his soul, how she was all he had left. But mixed in with those thoughts were the imprint's pull to Emily, the way he couldn't look away from her when she was near, how the rhythm of her breath was the most important sound, that she suddenly appeared beautiful when once he had thought her plain in comparison to Leah. He tried to shove those thoughts away, but there was nothing he could do. He tried to bring to the forefront of his mind his feelings for Leah herself.
But she wasn't listening, overcome by her grief and despair. He felt her wondering how much one person could lose in one day. She slowed in her run, her mind swirling with emotions. She stumbled over a fallen log, exhausted and overwhelmed. Why? Why are you making me watch? I don't want to see. I know everything I need to know. Can't you just leave me alone?
Never, he yelled. If I need to handcuff us together, LeeLee, I'll do it. I'm not losing you!
What are you talking about? Why? It's over. You just showed me. It's over. Do you want me to forgive you? Is that what this is about? Do you want me to see that it wasn't your fault? Well, maybe I'll get there, but do you need to hear it tonight? Right now? He tried to interrupt her, but she wouldn't stop. Or did you want me to see that I've got no chance? That there's no point in trying to convince you to stay? Was that it? Or show me that I should just let you go to Emily, that I shouldn't be mad at her either? Do you want my endorsement or something? My support?
No! I need you to understand! He picked up his pace. Now that she had slowed, he might be able to catch up to her.
She misunderstood. Oh god, I'm going to have to see it, aren't I? There's no way I can get away from you. I'm going to have to watch you together.
No, LeeLee, you're not listening.
I don't think I can do it. Sam, I don't think I can stand it.
Then don't!
She perked up slightly at that. I'll leave then. I'll go somewhere, I don't know. You won't have to see me, and I won't have to see you. Where can I go?
Now he was getting angry again. Why wouldn't she listen to him? Nowhere! You're not going anywhere! I need you!
I can't stay friends, Sam. It hurts too much. Everything hurts too much. She finally stopped, because she had run wild in her attempt to escape, and there was nowhere else to go. She had reached the cliff's edge. She stopped and looked at the rain falling into the ocean, and momentarily wondered how far she could swim if she jumped right now.
Damn it, stop it! Listen to me! He finally made it an order. Having no choice, she turned her attention fully to him, terrified of what he would say next. But he finally worked up the courage to say the words he should have told her ages ago. I love you, don't you see? I've always loved you. Not like a sister, not like a friend. I'm in love with you. I asked you to marry me because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…
I know, I know you do, she admitted, still not hearing him. Or I thought you do. Did. Used to.
He wouldn't let her say anything more. Not until she knew everything. No, not "did". I do. I still do! I want forever with you. Imprint or not, Emily or wolves or spirits or vampires or anything, I love you! I'm in love with you! I'm crazy about you. Not just your body, not just the sex, not even just the fact that you're the best friend I've ever had. I've been madly in love with you for our whole lives. Don't you see? You're real, but whatever is going on with her is a lie! She's got some power over me, and she doesn't understand it and neither do I. That's what you're seeing, not me. That's what you saw. Brainwashing is all that is. But you and me, that's the real thing and I know it. And I want it. I want you, and I want you to want me, and I love you, and I've always loved you, and if I lose you over this I don't know what I'm going to do. You have to help me. You have to help me fight it. I can't fight it alone. Please! What we have, it can't be over.
She was too stunned to answer in words. She had no idea what to say. But he could see flashes in her mind, fleeting memories and passing moments, all of him. For the first time, he understood how she saw him. She thought he was beautiful, both in body and in soul. She thought of how much she loved his smile, how much she liked to make him laugh. She remembered him trying to protect his mother from his father when he was young, and she thought he was the bravest person she knew. She cherished images of him kissing his grandmother on the cheek; it made her melt a little every time she witnessed it. She even fleetingly remembered how touched she was when he gave Emily a yellow rose. That thought nearly derailed the others, but she kept thinking of the things she loved about him. His hugs made her warm from head to toe, and his kisses made her lips tingle. She flipped through memories of him at every age, and he was stunned to realize that she had spent almost as much time looking at him as he had at her. She was nearly as enamored with the shape of his mouth as he was with her dimples.
The best part was that she hadn't put him on a pedestal. She saw him as he was, not as she wanted him to be. She knew his jealous streak, and while she was slightly flattered, she was equally annoyed. She thought he was smart, but she knew she was smarter. She loved how hard he worked and thought he was resourceful, but she wished that he spared more time to just have fun. She thought he'd grown up a little too fast, and that he was an adult before his time (which she also blamed on his father), while she simultaneously also felt that he reverted to a rather immature and less attractive adolescent boy when he was with his male friends.
Ultimately, though, he saw that she loved him exactly as he was. He wondered how Emily saw him.
Leah answered, She thinks you're pretty great. She's always said she wished she could meet a guy like... Oh. I guess now she doesn't need to.
No! Not you too. I need you to fight this with me. I can't do it by myself. It's too strong. But if you stay with me, if you help me, if you remind me who I am, I think I can hold on. Don't you see? I'm getting lost here. We're both getting lost. The imprint cut every tie I ever made with anyone, my mother, my grandmother, my friends, everything. It feels so strange. I know I'm supposed to care about them, but that's all. I don't actually feel it, and I can't make myself. It's trying to take everything away, but I managed to hold on to you. The imprint is trying to making me lose myself. But I hung on to you. He showed her his fierce struggle to maintain their ties, how the imprint kept trying to pull him away from her and sent him tumbling back to Emily, but that he held on to her through sheer force of will. I refuse to lose you because I love you. You're the most important thing in the whole world to me. You're my life, you're my future, and if you don't want me anymore I'm lost. I need you to help me, LeeLee. I'm so sorry to ask it of you. You shouldn't have to fight this fight with me. It's not fair. You deserve to have someone love you, just love you, without having it all torn apart. And if that's what you want, then I think… then maybe… He envisioned her walking away from him, leaving him behind and abandoning him to his fate, and it terrified him. If he lost her, he would lose himself altogether.
He had finally reached her. He finally caught up. She was right there, in front of him, now turned away from the ocean and facing him fully. She crept forward and pressed her muzzle against his. Oh, Sammy. She repeated his name as a mantra in her mind. He opened himself completely and pushed his head into her neck, breathing deeply of her. He showed her what he had not been able to put into words.
She finally understood. She felt the strength of the drag he felt to Emily, the instantaneous and overwhelming bond, the chains that threatened to tear apart his life and replace it with another. She saw how magnetically he was pulled toward her cousin, how consuming the imprint was, how inexorable and inevitable it seemed.
And she saw how hard he was fighting it. She felt the strength required to keep hold of the slippery, delicate strands of love that he had woven with her over the years, how a slight lapse in concentration could result in their very destruction. With it, she felt the depth of his conviction not to give up, not to let go, because losing her meant losing himself.
I want you to see, he urged. Look all the way in. Look deep. I want you to know what you mean to me. He showed her what he had never figured out how to say. He showed her how safe she had always made him feel. How loved. How he treasured her smile above anything else, how to this day he still thought a glimpse of her dimple worth more than money, her laughter the best sound in the world. He showed her how he loved crawling into her bedroom from the time they were small, that her little hand clasping his meant there would always be someone to hang onto when everyone else might abandon him, and that watching her face relax into sleep meant that so long as she was there, there was something peaceful and lovely to see. He showed her that when she opened her body to him, they would find the heights of bliss in one another, and he knew he had found sensations that could not be replicated by any other. And more than that, he showed her that she was his home.
Not loving Leah was unthinkable. Inconceivable. Impossible. The day he stopped loving her would be the day his heart stopped beating, imprint be damned. And he wasn't certain what would happen after he died, but if there was anything left of him, any mind or memory or soul that could link itself to the man that was Sam Uley, surely he would continue to love her in whatever way he could. Surely the stardust that he would eventually become would still love Leah Clearwater.
I'm always going to love you, do you see? Even if I can't remember it, even if I do a terrible job of it, even if the imprint blinds me to everything else in the world but her, tries to change me into someone else who doesn't feel this for you, please remember: this the truth, and anything else is a lie.
She curled into him. Oh, Sammy. I love you too. I'm so sorry I doubted you.
Considering what I said, I can't blame you at all. And I wish I could promise you that nothing like it will ever happen again…
She stopped him before he could get any farther. But you can't. I see that now.
He was afraid she would give in to despair, to the imprint's force, or simply to the strange feeling of inevitability that had previously overcome him. No, that's just it. I know I can fight this, LeeLee, if I have you to fight for, and if you'll help me.
She backed up so she could look at him fully, and she held his gaze with her dark, steady eyes. You want me to fight for you too. It was a statement, not a question. He stared back at her.
I need you to remind me who I really am.
She didn't answer him in words. She didn't have to. He felt the disparate, frustrated, and grieving parts of her coming together in her mind. Her thoughts coalesced into love and into conviction, and he had hope.
I love you so much, LeeLee. Please don't forget that I love you.
She answered him without recrimination or bitterness, seeking only honesty, Even if you forget?
He was unable to lie to her, not here where she could see each one of his thoughts as they appeared. Even then. If I forget that I love you, it would mean that I'm not me anymore. I would mean that I'm gone. Please...
I won't let that happen to you, Sammy. I won't let you get lost.
They spent the rest of the night in the shelter of the cave at Third Beach. He would have made love to her then and there in a reaffirmation of his love for her, but her combination of grief and exhaustion overtook her. They remained in wolf form to preserve both physical comfort in the cold, spare space, as well as their mental connection. After Leah fell asleep tucked against him, her head resting on his paw, he began to worry about how they would communicate once he was back in his human form. The imprint could filter his spoken words, put lies into his mouth, and shift his attention to Emily, but it had not yet achieved full control over his thoughts. If only he were able to project them into her mind when they were both human. He feared he would continue to do foolish things, particularly if Emily was nearby, and he hoped that Leah could read him well enough to understand what was really going on. She had always been able to do so before. Would she continue? And how much would he test her patience? She had already shown him that her capacity to forgive was great, but neither was she willing to be disrespected. He did not want to push her boundaries any more than he already had.
He lay by her side for a long time unable to sleep. He was almost as tired as she was, but his frustration did not allow him to rest. He had never felt so out of control, not when he first phased, not even when he was a small child living in fear of his father. Joshua was stronger, at least physically, but Sam could make his feelings known. Even if the abusive man had not considered the feelings of his wife and child, Sam at least had the option to fight back in what little way he was able, and when he could not, to run. But there was no way to run from this. No way to run from himself. He was powerless against the forces threatening to consume him, and if it were not for Leah to hold onto, he would be lost.
Eventually Leah's unconscious thoughts began to distract him from his depression. In her sleeping mind, she began to dream. He watched it in fascination. At first it was disjointed and made very little sense. She was cocooned in a place of heat and darkness. She did not know where she was, so neither did he. She tried to stretch her limbs but met resistance. It probably should have frightened her, but it did not. She wondered fleetingly if she was in the afterlife, if she would find Harry somewhere in the darkness. She was sad when she realized this wasn't the case, and he felt the sharp pain of her loss right along with her. Her heart ached, but then she realized that there was heat at her back, but cool air at her front. Slowly the warmth took shape, and she was delighted to realize that the heat radiated from Sam's own body. In the darkness she turned and kissed him sweetly, and he wondered if he could keep her here, forever, loving her in the darkness.
But eventually she turned away as she fell deeper into the dream, disconnecting completely from her conscious mind. The darkness faded into a pale blue sky, the hazy nothingness coalesced into grainy sand, and the salty scent of the sea began to surround them. He looked around and saw that she had created First Beach. He felt her body move away from him, and then he saw her shrinking. Before his eyes she reverted not to her wolf, but her childish body of girlhood. She kissed him on the nose and then sprinted away, directly into the arms of her father, who picked her up and tossed her into the air. Sam sat back and watched with a mixture of fascination, delight, and sadness, because soon enough she would wake and find that it had all been a dream. She would never again feel her father's arms around her, nor see his smile, nor tell him that she loved him. When she woke, she would feel the loss all over again, but for now he would not begrudge her her happiness. He kept himself awake just so he could watch it, could see the pure and childish joy on her face, and hear the bright sound of her laughter. Soon enough, translucent versions of her younger brother and mother materialized out of nowhere. Her subconscious couldn't seem to settle on a particular age for Seth, so he kept growing or shrinking as Sam watched. It was captivating, and he was relieved that even if Harry would not greet Leah when she woke, Seth would be there for his sister.
Sam sat up and paid close attention when a small version of himself appeared and disappeared in the surf alongside her. Young Leah was floating on her back in the shallows of the Pacific, Harry supporting her with a hand under the middle of her back. Then she began to tilt in the water, her torso rising up and out as her legs were involuntarily pulled down. She squealed with laughter and collapsed into a giggling ball as his young self emerged on her other side, tickling her mercilessly. Harry laughed and backed away as the two children attempted to dunk one another under the gentle waves. Sam could have stayed right here forever, just watching, and been happy.
In his wolf body, he cradled her against him, and through their mental connection he watched how wonderful life had once been. He was tempted to approach her, to join Seth in chasing her down the sand or tell the young, dreamt version of himself to kiss her the second she came into reach, but he was afraid of disturbing the balance she had created in her mind. So he watched and waited.
An indeterminate time later, the tiny child version of Leah began to approach him. He looked around and realized that the young Sam had disappeared. With each step she took, she grew taller, more mature, and more beautiful. By the time she reached him, she looked exactly like her present day self. She brushed her soft lips against his cheek, and into his ear she whispered, Can we stay here a little longer? I'm not sure I want to go back.
He could have wept. Instead he assented, and she took his hand. He followed her back to her family, whole and complete, and there he stayed until he, too, was dreaming.
X-x-x-x-X
A/N: A few days after my father died, I woke up crying into my pillow. I had been having a dream, and it was the first and only one in which he appeared. I remember seeing him, becoming incredibly sad, and asking him where he had gone. He didn't answer. He just smiled at me and reached out. He hugged me just as I woke up. I remember being happy and sad all at once. Sad because he was gone, but happy that I'd gotten to see him one last time.