The Twisting Knife of Loving You
Chapter 25
Rick took up position by the window so he could keep watch on the street below. Morgan hadn't returned, but had been sighted, occasionally wheeling walker corpses to his pyre. Beth was brushing her hair out and struggling to stifle her yawns.
"I'm so tired, d'you mind if I try and sleep a while?" She asked.
"No, go ahead, I'll wait for Morgan to get back," he said and helped her unfurl a couple of sleeping bags.
"Why don't you try and get some rest too, hmm? You'll hear if anyone comes in, and there are all those booby traps," Beth fixed him with a look of concern, knowing he was exhausted.
Rick nodded and they laid down side by side wrapped in each other's arms. He didn't intend to fall asleep but his eyelids were so heavy, he couldn't stop himself. He stirred a little while later and saw Morgan, bathed in moonlight, adding another word to the wall. Rick fell straight back into a deep slumber and when he did properly awaken a few hours after, he couldn't be sure his sighting of their host had been anything more than a dream. He looked over at the wall and saw one word that might have been new; redemption. The muted light of dawn was starting to creep through the un-shuttered windows, and he looked around for Morgan, but the man was nowhere to be seen. Rick silently prayed he was alright, and carefully pulled himself up onto his feet, so as not to disturb his family. He grabbed a fully loaded rifle and then went out to look for him.
He crept down to the street and slowly made his way along the sidewalk. He didn't want to let the entrance to their shelter out of his sight, conscious as he was of the need to protect his sleeping loved ones. But his increasingly urgent need to answer a call of nature, made him duck into an alleyway to relieve himself. Rick kept watch for any sign of danger, and was ready to return to the street when he heard Morgan's voice coming from somewhere close by. He looked out onto the sidewalk to check that the coast was still clear, and once satisfied that it was, he turned back down the alley. It looked like it led onto the backyard of the place they were staying in, and he cautiously made his way down it. The closer he got to the sound of Morgan's chattering, the louder the accompanying sound of growling and rattling chains became. Rick reached the far corner of the building and tentatively peered around it, curious to see who the other man was talking too. The tragic sight before his eyes filled him with deep sorrow; Morgan had his undead son on a leash and was feeding him live rodents. He soon felt as if he was intruding on a private moment, and quickly retreated back to his family.
Beth had awoken to find Rick gone and a sense of panic had overtaken her, after everything they'd just lost they needed him more than ever. She heard someone carefully climbing the stairs and scrambled around for her pistol, only to let out a huge sigh of relief as Rick appeared from behind the drapes.
"Thank God," she exclaimed and lowered her gun.
"Sorry, I had to go pee, and I was worried about Morgan," he explained.
"Did you find him, is he okay?" Beth asked.
"His son's a walker, and he's got him chained up in the backyard feeding him live rats. Does that sound okay to you?" Rick said.
She flinched at the image but then something relevant occurred to her.
"I ain't gonna sit in judgement, I'm sure you remember back on the farm, we had a barn full of our nearest and dearest, including my momma and my brother. I think we knew in our hearts what they really were, and that they weren't ever gonna get better, but we just wasn't ready to let them go. Maybe Morgan ain't ready to say goodbye to his son yet?" She reasoned.
"Yeah, maybe," Rick sighed.
He thought about his own descent after Lori's death, and how he slipped into a kind of madness fuelled by his own grief. Beth guessed what he was thinking about and she reached out to cover his hand with her own. Rick was jolted from his reverie upon feeling her touch and they held each other's gaze for a long moment. He was about to kiss her when they heard Judith stirring in the next room.
"Ma-ma-ma-ma," she wailed.
"One day she'll be able to say dada and then I'll teach her how to say Beth," the young blonde couldn't hide her unease.
"It's okay," Rick sought to reassure her.
"She already knows who she wants," he said with a smile.
Beth had been a mother to his daughter in every way that mattered, and he had reconciled her being referred to as such in his own mind. He knew his son would need a lot more convincing, but it was just the four of them now, and they needed each other.
"I can't believe I slept so long."
Carl's voice broke into his musings as he appeared in the doorway, looking bedraggled from heavy sleep.
"Your mom always used to say you could sleep through anything," Rick said with a fond smile as he got up and checked out of the windows.
"Dad, I was thinking, this used to be our hometown so why don't we just stay here?" His son asked hesitantly.
"It used to be our home, but there ain't nothing here for us anymore. Morgan says there ain't much left in the way of food supplies, and we need to try and find someplace more secure. If it was just us, then maybe we could get by, but we got Judith to think about," his father explained.
"But where else can we go?" Carl questioned.
Rick looked over at Beth.
"We're gonna load up the car with as much useful stuff as we can find, and then we're gonna head back to Hershel's farm. If the others made it out of the prison, we might find them there," he explained.
"I thought you said we weren't gonna go back there, but she sweet talked you into it, I suppose?" Carl switched his harsh glare from his father to the young blonde.
"Hey, don't start in on Beth and lose the attitude. We're gonna have to pull together to get through this, or else we won't make it," Rick said.
"You never listen to me; you never listen to anyone except her. I said we'd end up losing the prison, and I know Daryl and some of the others warned you too, but you didn't wanna hear it. You had chance after chance to kill the Governor but you didn't, and if all the others are dead because of what he did, then that's on you too," Carl ranted.
"Are you done?" His father inquired.
The boy stood unapologetically defiant.
"The world mighta gone to hell, but some things never change; whatever you do and no matter what choices you make, there's always somebody claiming they coulda done it better. Every time we lose someone it's like a knife to my gut, and that knife just keeps on twisting and twisting until I think I can't take it anymore, but I have too. I gotta keep on because I got you, all of you, and y'all need me, even if you think I'm the worst dad and worst leader ever. I never asked for folks to look to me for anything, but they did, and all I could do was my best. I tried to put saving lives ahead of taking lives, more fool me, huh?" Rick looked defeated as he ignored Beth's words of comfort and headed out onto the street.
The weight of the last few days finally crashed down on him full force, and for a second he felt as if he couldn't catch his breath. He sank to the ground and folded up in silent agony.
Morgan was pacing about in an agitated way, and upon seeing the former sheriff's deputy crouching on the edge of the sidewalk, he went over to him.
"We gotta talk," he said as a dazed Rick eventually raised his head to meet his eye.
"I ain't accustomed to having folks around, I got used to it being just me, I expect you'll be leaving though, like you said," Morgan gave him an expectant look.
"I was thinking we'd stay another night, at least," the former sheriff's deputy said as he recovered his senses.
"No. Not with me you ain't. I gotta be on my own, I just gotta. I told you there ain't nothing here for you, so why don't you take your girlfriend and your kids and just leave?" The other man said with a firmness that didn't invite argument.
"What if we moved into one of the other buildings, just for a couple more days?" Rick desperately looked around for a suitable place.
Morgan fixed him with stern look.
"One more night, and then you take your guns and you go," he said.
Rick put his head back into his hands and he could feel that knife in his gut twisting again. The loss of the prison was a heavy blow, and he was only just beginning to process what it truly meant. He hadn't been forced to live on the road since before Judith was born, and for all the troubles the old group had, they were stronger together. His first priority was to keep his family safe, but the odds were stacked against them. If he could get them to the farm, and if the others were there, then they might stand a chance, but that was a whole lot of ifs.
Beth watched him from the window and her heart sank to see the depths of his despair. He always tried his best to stay strong for them, and he always had. The only time he'd completely crumbled was after Lori died, and even then he had come through for them in their time of need.
"Carl, take your sister," she commanded and giving him no chance to argue, she placed Judith into his arms.
"You can hate me all you like if it makes you feel better, but I ain't gonna let your dad think he's on his own through this," she said and hurried outside to join him.
"Rick?" Beth tenderly petted his hair.
He let out a heavy sigh but didn't turn to look at her.
"Y'know, I gotta be honest, we might not make it on the road. There's a hell of a lot more guys like the Governor out there, and they'll always have the upper hand over me. I've killed, but every time I take a life, I become a little more like them and a little less like me. I don't wanna have to become a monster, just so I can slay 'em," he said.
"I want you to know that I'm gonna help in every way I can once we hit the road. I ain't too bad a shot, and I got all the skills that Michonne taught me, I can drive too. You ain't gotta carry the weight all on your own 'cause I'm gonna do my share of the lifting. Carl will come around, I'm sure he will, and we can get through this," she said as she leant over to hug him.
Rick slowly turned around to look at her and she could hardly bear to see the sadness etched on his careworn face.
"Anything you need, you only gotta ask," Beth said as she smoothed his unruly hair out of his eyes.
"What if there's no-one waiting for us at the farm?" He questioned.
Beth didn't want to contemplate that possibility, but she needed to make him feel better.
"If we make it that far, we can make it further still, until we find someplace we can call home," she said.
"What would I do if I didn't have you?" He asked in a melancholy tone.
"You ain't never gonna have to find out," she covered his lips with her own in a sweet kiss.
Rick's line about not wanting to become a monster was inspired by the famous Friedrich Nietzsche quote:
"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."
It's very appropriate for Rick, and most of the surviving characters on The Walking Dead, I think. Because they have a battle raging inside of them between holding onto their humanity and becoming ever more savage to combat the increasing threats against their survival.
Thank you for continuing to read this story and please leave a review. - Mrs P.