(Dez)

I had a dream. It was really foggy, and…everything was just dark. But I could hear Charon talking to me. He sounded far away, but I could hear him. It was like he was sorry. He kept telling me these things, nice things, and saying he didn't mean to do what he did. Then I felt him kiss me, I think. I mean, I'm not sure if he really did or not but, I felt it. It wasn't anything serious, a small peck on the forehead, I think. It was almost like, he didn't even really do much of anything. Like, he didn't want to even be near me.

Opening my eyes is hard. They feel heavy, like they want to sleep but frankly I don't want to sleep anymore. The last thing I remember clearly, is feeling really relaxed and having Charon carrying me. I can't tell you where he was taking me, or even where I am right now because I don't know. I'm not scared though, because even though Charon isn't the way I remember him to be, I know there's no way he'd hurt me, or take me somewhere dangerous. It's just not in him.

Slowly and blurrily, my eyes open and focus. There's a bright white light, and for a bit I think it engulfs the room. Voices sound really far off and smooth, like it takes a while to reach my ears. My body begins to realize things, like that I'm laying on a bed, and there's a warm blanket over me. Something sticks in my arm, but past knowledge tells me to leave alone all strange sensations until senses are at 100%. Don't want to rip out a vein during a panic attack, or something equally as stupid.

"…waking up."

Someone says, and their blurred image appears over me. I can't recognize them, but I know they're a ghoul. Charon, maybe? No the voice isn't his. Actually it sounds more feminine than anything. I feel cold hands touch my own, and I try to tell them to leave me alone. But no words come out, and all I can really do is shake my head a bit. My eyes aren't even all the way open, and I feel like there's so much weight pressing down on me. Like a Super Mutant decided to have a picnic on my head. Not sure, why really. It's not like there's a breathtaking view.

Trying to force my body to hurry up, I shake my head more, and blink my eyes. My vision is getting better, so I know I'm not losing that. I'd be pretty useless without my sight.

"Dez…can you hear me…Dez?"

Someone gently touches my face. I don't like it, because their hands are cold and it makes me cold. I can hear them, but I can't tell them I can hear them. Blinking and forcing my eyes wide open, I stare at them. Somehow I make out that it's Dr. Barrows, from Underworld. I made it to Rivet City. Alright not going to ask how that happened, even if I could ask. Nodding my head at him, well to the best I can, I try to tell Barrows that I can hear him.

"Take out the IV, let her get her strength up."

Barrows says, and then I think…it's a human. I never saw her before, she must be new. So, what happened to Graves? I feel the nurse tugging at my arm, pulling the medical tape that holds the needle in. It stings when she takes it out, but not too bad. As soon as it's gone, though, I can feel a bit of my strength returning. That and a bit of sickness, too. Without thinking, I groan. I wasn't even trying, but I guess sometimes your body just does things.

"Feeling alright?"

I hear a gravely, female ghoul voice, and I know it's Nurse Graves. Everyone falls silent, while I take the time to regain myself, and my composure. When my vision clears after a few long minutes, I find my hands, feel out my legs, and my torso goes together with it all.

"Where…where's Charon?"

It's the first thing I say. I guess…when he's the first thing I think of when I wake up, instead of how I got here or what happened, it means I do love him. I know I love him, and I think…I think that love for him is what helped me wake up. I was in a dark place. It was scary, and I thought I was alone until I heard his voice. Until I heard him talking, apologizing, saying all he could say. I didn't feel alone after that. Didn't feel so scared, in the dark place I was in. In a way, I guess I followed his voice, until I could wake up.

As I struggle to sit up, I look around and realize there's a cold silence to everyone. My insides, turn to ice. Barrows and Graves exchange nervous looks, as the human nurse stares in wonder. I feel nauseous. The human nurse sees this, and holds a kidney-shaped bowl out for me. As I puke, I wonder why they're shaped that way. Seems sort of pointless to me.

"Where is he?"

I ask again, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I know the answer, but I need to hear it. The small ray of hope that he just took a walk somewhere, is still in my heart. I think, there'll always be that hope for him, no matter how much time passes.

"He left two nights ago. A few hours after he brought you here."

Barrows tells me, with more sympathy than normal for a doctor. I look around again, just in case he's hiding somewhere, even though I know that's ridiculous.

"He told me to tell you to go home."

Nurse Graves tells me, solemn and sad for me. I don't want their pity. I just…I just want Charon. In the dark place, he said he was sorry for all of it. For making me go through pain and everything and…I wonder…if he was so sorry why didn't he fix it? He's always been a mystery, though. To others, and to me, even. There's things about him, that even I don't know, and probably never will. Charon is secretive with serious matters. Matters of the heart, especially. I know there's a reason for him leaving, for him to do these things, because he doesn't do anything without reason. My only argument is, no reason is good enough to let what we have fall apart. My reason, for wanting him back, for wanting to chase him and track him down, is because I love him. Maybe, though now, that reason won't hold water, against his own.

I look at Graves, and heave a big and dramatic sigh. This cat and mouse game will get old one day, but for now, it's sort of fun. Still, if there's no idea as to where he went, I guess that means I'll be taking a shot in the dark. He won't return to Underworld like I guessed the first time, and Rivet City isn't an option because the last place he'd hide is here. The risk of someone seeing him is too great, and frankly he'd be really stupid to stay. In Rivet City, I mean.

"…Can I go home, then?"

Their answer won't change my actions. Still I think it's polite that I do. I don't care how I came to be here, or what's happened in the past two days. All I want to know, I do know. Charon is gone and I have to go to Megaton. I have this stupid notion that maybe if I listen to him, he'll come around. Ghouls have much longer lives than humans, but I have another thirty, forty, hell let's push it to fifty, years to go. With all that time ahead of me, waiting for a few days and resting with Gob won't kill me. Unless someone wants to kill me, which is another story entirely.

"Don't you want to know the results of your tests, first?"

Barrows says while I wiggle my toes into my boots and sling my legs over the side of the bed. I feel dizzy now.

"Wait, perhaps it's not good for her to go, Doctor. She might still be sick."

Graves interferes with my plans, but not really. Barrows looks at me, raising an eyebrow.

"What tests?"

I ask him, as we both ignore Graves. She's right though. I do feel like shit. And a big stinking pile of it.

"Your fertility tests."

"Oh. That happened? Yeah, sure."

"Surprisingly, even with the sustained damage to your abdomen, you're still able to bear and birth children. Raising them on the other hand, is an entirely different matter."

"Stop talking to Charon. Are you sure he didn't tell you where he was going?"

They shake their heads, and I can see they're not lying. After all, what would they gain by lying to me? Nothing, really. Just a bunch of stupid.

"All he told us was that he was leaving, and to tell you to just go home."

"Right. Well. I guess I'll do that then."

I never learned the human nurse's name. Never cared to, really. Between letting Barrows run some more quick tests, and them taking my temperature even after I left the med bay, there wasn't time. I got my sawed-off back from Graves, and washed my face up in the restroom before taking off into the Wasteland again. Questions about how I got there never came up, because they're not important to me, really. Charon brought me here, and he left because that was all he wanted to do. It was the deal, and he held up his part. I have to hold up mine and go home. But I won't stay home, for very long.

As I'm about to stroll on out of Rivet City and proclaim it can kiss my pale, white ass, Barrows stops me.

"Dezbe?"

I love my name.

"Yeah?"

I look back at him as I open the door, and light a cigarette. It's been a full two days without one, and there's a no smoking thing going down in the med bay. For I guess good reason but shit, I need a cigarette.

"Charon asked indirectly about his ability to produce children."

Raising an eyebrow, I realize the small, importance of this. It is small, but in the bigger picture, it means so much more.

"He did, did he?"

I just wanted an excuse to word a sentence that way. Hiding behind veils of immature foolishness is a great defense. It hides the fact that you're really hurting, over the one person you love leaving you at the worst time in need. Then again, I understand why he did. I wasn't dying. I was okay.

"Yes, he did. If you two happen to patch things up, take this for safe measure. Walking all the way back down here would probably be a notch in plans, so keep it safe."

He hands me a pill. I don't ask what it is, but he even dresses it up in a nice little bottle.

"That's for Charon to take, it won't do anything for you."

"Gotcha."

I slide the bottle into my pocket and say nothing else. I don't have a pack with me. I have cigarettes, I have my shotgun and enough ammunition to last my way to Megaton. There's nothing more, I really need. The only thing I want, really want, is out there some where. Out, beneath a burning sun that's too hot for foreign skin to handle. On a patch of hardened dirt and sand, walking silently as if there's an underlying purpose or mission. Smirking to myself, as I walk across the Rivet City bridge, I know better.

Charon has no mission anymore. He went on his past, and he found it. If it was good or bad, I don't know, because he never told me. I just know in the three years we spent together, that was the only thing left. The only thing that wasn't finished, and the only thing that ever bothered him. Now, there's nothing left for him to find. Nothing for him to chase, to discover, to even…well, love.

The wind whips my hair around, and smoking my cigarette I keep my head down, with a knowing smile still on my face. The sun is high in the sky. It's warm today. I can't think, that I don't enjoy this hurt. This hurt that I feel, by being alone, waking alone, has always been matched and associated with the sweet salvation of reconciliation. Call me crazy, or call me wise, there really is no difference. What's love, if you don't suffer for it? If you receive it, so easily and nonchalantly, is it then meaningful? Is it…worth it? This hurt, the hurt of the past, just means the love in the future will be that much better. I like, that it hurts. Because…when it hurts…it'll mean so much more.

For now, I can go home. I can go to Megaton, and try to make peace with the demons in my head. Those voices, that disturb the natural flow and patterns of my happy and hopeful thoughts. Everyone has them. Dealing with them, and knowing how, comes with maturity. Charon loves me, I know it. That voice I heard when I was cold, dark and alone, was real. It wasn't my mind tricking me. It was him, and just knowing after all this time, he still loves me in return…well, I couldn't ask for more. Just knowing…might be enough…for me to be okay.

Okay…with being apart. Because…somewhere in this land, Charon is thinking of me. As he walks, I can see it so perfectly, he thinks of me. Across the barren lands of this once fruitful world, beneath a scorching sun, with his shoulders arches forward, hands clasped into fists at a steady sway, and deadly eyes closed because he doesn't need to see…Charon thinks of me. If he never comes back to me in Megaton, and I never find him in any excursions and hear any word of him…I hope, knowing his love is still with me, and his thoughts are of me, will help me get to the day, where waking up doesn't hurt so much. I guess I sound stupid, because this one man has so much control, but…you've never loved, and never hurt, like I have.

Silently, I throw away my cigarette and make my way into the tunnels that will lead me home. My light is still broken, but I don't need it. I don't need anything, except what I have. When you're this much in love, and hoping and optimistic as I am right now…you like to pretend, it's all true. After all the years, the enemies have dwindled, and humans and ghouls have excelled. There's no real fears for me, except for Raiders, and they're not great. Somehow…I just have this feeling, that I'll be alright. It hurts, don't get me wrong. Inside, my heart cries and bleeds almost, with each deep beat. It kills me, and can bring me near tears if I let it, but I won't let it. I won't…be discouraged, when I've come this far.

My hands still feel the warmth of his, if I try to feel it hard enough. I can hear his saddened and apologetic voice in my mind, and I know slowly, those emotions are coming back to him. In the end, really, all that matters is he loves me. Loves me, and always has. If he didn't…he would have stayed. But he left, because still, my happiness means more to him, than his own. He thinks, this is my theory, that he can't make me happy anymore. If I ever see him again, if I ever…run into him, I'll spend every moment showing him how stupid he's being. I'll prove to him, that even if he just drops by every now and again, I will love him and be happier than I ever was before. Just having him around me, thinking of me, makes me feel as if I could fly. Have you ever felt, what it was like, to fly? I have. And it's beautiful.

I know Charon. I know, that even if things work out between us, staying in one place won't suit him. He's like me. And I know, that he wants a family. There'll be times, I won't be able to go with him. I'll have to stay home, but you know I'd be okay with that. Wherever home is, I won't mind staying there, and waiting for him. Not because I won't be some weak woman, but because that's where I'm happy. I'd be just as happy following him, because in that sense we're the same, but someone has to take care of the kid. And when he comes home…that will be the highlight of it all. But, that's a big 'if'. We may never see one another again, and we may cross brief paths. Either way, I'm happy, having him in my life, and knowing he's thinking of me.

From nowhere, a light shines on me. It's bright, and white almost yellow. I'm deep in the tunnels, so I can only assume who it is isn't trying to attack me. That or this is one good sneak attack. Raising one hand to block the light from my face, I carefully move my other one to the butt of my sawed-off.

"Dezbe? Is that you?"

I recognize that voice, and even though I can't see their face, I know who it is. My question being is, what the hell is he doing all the way out here?

"Cassidy?"

The surprise shows in my voice. Cassidy lowers the light, which is unneeded since well, the tunnel lighting is dim enough to see in. My eyes take a while to adjust back to normalcy, but I hear him coming closer. Finally adjusting, I see his weathered face that reminds me of Raul and Wernher. Even though Cassidy is human. I guess it's the gunslinger in him. You learn a lot about people, when you listen.

"How the hell did you get here?"

I ask without much delay. It is shocking, but, I get over it. A lot of things, don't shock me anymore.

"Are you alright? Dezbe, what are you doing way out here?"

"It's just 'Dez', Cassidy. Hey I asked first."

He's frantic so I'm instantly assuming his time out here was less than enjoyable. Still, it is nice to see a familiar face. Even if most faces I see, are already familiar these days.

"What? I…I was worried so I came here with a caravan."

"…That doesn't tell me much. Are you stalking me?"

I say it comically, but Cassidy doesn't seem much like a comedian.

"No, Dez I was worried. You left with those people and then…then you were acting so strange and…"

"How would you know I was acting strange if you never knew how I was before? This smells Mirelurk-y."

He raises an eyebrow at me. Cassidy is tall, but not Charon-tall. In my mind, I compared them a lot. I don't know why.

"I'm sorry I'll explain as soon I get over the shock of actually finding you."

"You're over it now tell me. My hand is still on my gun, Cassidy. I won't hesitate to shoot you if you're a threat. No offence."

His mouth twitches. I don't know why.

"None taken. Alright…well, like I said I was worried. I came here, and found this town. With a bomb."

"Megaton."

"Right, and I found the people who took you. They said you were in Underworld and told me how to get there, then a trader said he saw a ghoul carrying you to Rivet City and gave me directions and here I am!"

Wait…this doesn't add up. But I'll figure that part out later. Instead I want to know, just how well Cassidy here is at surviving.

"When exactly did you get to the Capital Wasteland?"

"About a day or so after you left."

"I see."

So. It took him this long to reach Rivet City. Taking out his unknowing areas of the land, I'd say that's good. Most people would get lost in these tunnels. Which is why when I started I said 'fuck it' and climbed the rubble. This way is easier, though.

"I was worried."

"So you've said."

"You don't seem surprised to see me."

I start to walk, and he walks with me. I hope he doesn't think this whole thing between us means we're going to fall in love and fuck. I'm already in love, and I'm not going to fuck anyone besides him.

"I am. But things just get common, even the uncommon."

"Where are you going?"

I shrug, letting him continue to walk with me.

"To Gob's. Charon told me to go home."

"Who?"

"Charon."

Oh, right he doesn't know. To make the walk seem shorter, I tell Cassidy a summarized and not-too-deep story of the adventures of Charon and Dezbe. Leaving out the politics and focusing really on us. Cassidy seems to follow it, even the parts of the past that make no real sense. He listens, to even the bad subjects and nitty gritties. I'm not divulging too deep, because if he doesn't know than he shouldn't know and that's my outlook. I spent enough time, trying to tell people I'm the good guy in all of this. Now, I just want to live and maybe embrace a little of that bitch they've all thought of me.

"So that's it. Now I'm going home, because Charon said to go home."

"You're in love with a ghoul?"

"Funny how that's your first concern after all I've said."

I give him a half-assed answer because I'm picking the lock so we can go above ground and switch tunnels. It should be somewhere in the afternoon, or something. I haven't checked the time on my Pip-Boy.

"Well, truthfully the entire story is shocking. I'm just too shocked to focus on important things."

"It's not your life so don't worry about it."

"But I worry about you."

Getting the lock undone I leave the gate open for him as I pass through. He sure can pry.

"There's no reason to. I'm fine on my own. You hardly know me."

"Because you never let me know you, when I wanted to."

"When you wanted to, not when I wanted to."

"Are you always this brash?"

"Nah, this is mundane. Sometimes I can be a real bitch. Now, that's scary."

We make it from one tunnel to the other without any trouble. I notice Cassidy carries two small Magnums on his waist, meaning he really is a gunslinger. The long coat he wears might conceal more weaponry, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. He has no pack.

"You're carrying light."

He says to me, and I shove my hands back into my pockets. I want to reach Megaton in less than two days. Wonder if it's possible?

"So are you."

"Shotgun?"

"I'm good with unarmed, guns, and melee. Automatic weapons are too hard for me to aim, and frankly the lightweight of a sawed-off is all I need. Power, punch, and a bit of gore."

"You seem to know your stuff."

"Nope. I know what I'm good at and it's all I need to know. Plus, living out here, you're forced to learn fast."

Cassidy sighs, and the tone gets a bit more serious as we make our way down from the top of the underground platform. I can't wait, to get home to Gob and talk to him. To talk to Zack and tell them both of my hopes and dreams. Maybe some of my desires, too. Just because I don't have Charon right now, doesn't mean I never will, right?

"Dez, I really was worried about you."

I feel bad for being a bit mean, but not much. After all, he did show up randomly in my life, and he's acting a bit suspicious.

"Thank you for that, too. But really, I'm fine."

"If I knew that, I would have still come."

Warning! I know that tone, and I know those sweet words. Did my tale of Charon mean nothing to him? Maybe I'm wrong, though. It's better for me to play stupid, than to open my mouth and prove I'm stupid.

"You should go back once we reach Megaton. This place isn't your home."

"I like it here, though. Maybe I'll do some exploring. You should show me around since it seems you know this place like the back of your hand."

"I do. But I have to go home. Charon said to go home."

"And then what?"

I never…never thought about that. Shaking my head, I try not to let those demon voices overpower me. Until I'm with friends and safe, I want to be hopeful. After all, when I'm scared, with a strange person, and sad, I might kill him or do some other things that I'll regret. I'm done with making those. Shrugging, I play with the lighter in my pocket.

"I don't know. Wait, I guess."

"What if he doesn't come back?"

"Then I'll go looking."

"And if you can't find him?"

"Cassidy…shut up."

And he does. He shuts his stupid mouth and lets me continue my walk in silence. Which is good. It feels like he's encouraging those voices. Those demons that I hate to admit I have. But we all have them, really. I don't want to think, that Charon left for selfish reasons. That his apology was really a lie, and he was saying it to make me feel better, to give me closure. If I want to hope, even if it isn't real, let me hope. False hope…it's still hope. This hurt I feel, it has to be justified. I can't…can't think that he won't ever love me again. I want it to hurt, because I know there's a reason for it. I would worry, if I woke up and felt nothing. Because then it would mean I didn't love him anymore. There has to be, reconciliation of some type at the end of this. If there isn't…what'll happen to me? To us?

"…Charon loves me. We will meet again."

"Not to argue your beliefs, but, what if he doesn't anymore?"

"…Why…do you want this hurt…to not be comforted? Why…do you want me to hurt, without hope at the end?"

I stop walking, but keep my back to him. Tears well in my eyes, but I won't let them out. I won't let those voices win. I don't want them to win.

"That's not what I mean."

"It seems like it. Telling me these things. Just let me believe, he will come back."

"I just don't want you to be disappointed."

"He's alive, when I thought he was dead. There's nothing anymore, that can disappoint me."

"Him not loving you will."

"No one else will love me the way he does. No one, will make me cry out in pain and ecstasy, like Charon has. Don't ever tell me, he doesn't love me. Because even if he doesn't, at one time he did."

I turn around to face Cassidy in my vault suit. Curious, that he hasn't asked about it. That he hasn't inquired as to why I'm wearing it, but instead only focused on Charon and Charon's love for me.

"No man has made me feel the way he did. No man, has ever pleased me emotionally and sexually, like Charon. In fact, no man has been man enough to. No man, has been brave enough to endure and face what Charon's had to, and no man has taken the time to carry me to safety, even if there wasn't much hope for me. And let me tell you, the way I moan when I'm with Charon…I've never moaned like that with anyone else."

Cassidy gets a strange look on his face. It isn't understanding, but it isn't misunderstanding, either. It confuses me, and worries me. Almost as if he's accepted some underlying challenge. But, instead of focusing on him, and his issues, I turn around and keep walking. I guess, I'm a sadist, because I like the way this hurts.