A/N: The long awaited Chapter 25, wherein the Marauders are in detention, Snape makes a cameo, James contemplates cheating on Lily, McGonagall gets an aneurism, Filch takes things too far, and much more :D
Dear Messrs Black, Lupin, Pettigrew, Potter and Snape,
I regret to inform you that I am unable to join you this evening as Detention Supervisor. An important matter has come up and I simply must deal with immediately (my pet snake, Fluffy, is gravely ill I'm afraid). I didn't have the opportunity to organise a substitute supervisor, however, I trust you to be well-behaved and to get on with your detention without much fuss. I understand from what Professor McGonagall has told me that you are to be cleaning the desks in all the classrooms on the 4th floor without magic. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour and have left some muggle cleaning agents on a desk in the Muggle Studies classroom particularly for this use. Be sure to collect your wands from Professor McGonagall after you are you are finished.
Oh, and, could Mr. Lupin please ensure that Mr. Black doesn't go about conjuring any more unnecessarily large items of footwear for questionable purposes.
Yours Sincerely,
Professor Snoogenbottom, Head of Muggle Studies
---
Dear Godly One (Remus obviously)
Why, oh why, is Sirius such a prat?
Siriusly, I mean not EVERY girl wants too know about his little ducky underwear. We don't ALL wish to join him in the stupid broom cupboard (Hear that Sirius, some girls DON'T LIKE YOU!)
Please do SOMETHING, ANYTHING For the sake of unsuspecting innocent girls everywhere!
Oh and by the way, how's Flopsy doin' ?
- Unamused
---
I don't know why people try to tell me otherwise. EVERY girl dreams of dating me. All this denial can't be healthy for them.
- S
---
Flopsy's doing just fine, thankyou for asking. I'm afraid there's not much I can do about Sirius though. His head has gotten remarkably big over the years, I'm not entirely sure how he manages to lug it around everywhere with him; I imagine it would be quite heavy. Though I suppose that's not really true, considering that it's mostly full of hot air.
- M
---
That would make sense, since he's flying high-as-a-cloud most weekends.
- J
---
Oh, look, cloud fairies!
- S
---
Guys, he's glaring at us.
- P
---
Who is, Pete?
- J
---
Snape.
- P
---
Stupid git. It's his fault we're in here.
- J
---
I know, I mean, we were provoked! Provoked I say! If his over sized nose hadn't been annoying me so much then none of this would have happened. Git.
-S
---
Yeah. Stupid big-nosed git
- J
---
It's not like I made you "people" such imbecilic, brainless oafs. You deserve exactly what's coming for you, and then some. Besides, if anyone shouldn't be here it's me. Teachers these days are so incompetent. If you want to do your ridiculous excuse for an "advice" column then do it somewhere I can't hear you, or see you for that matter. In fact, why don't you all just go drown yourselves in the lake and make the world just that much better.
- Snape
---
Well, someone's grouchy today, isn't he?
- J
---
Yeah, what's up his arse? Oh yeah, I remember now, that giant boot I conjured yesterday.
- S
---
Hehe, yeah, that was a good one.
- J
---
He's glaring again. Make him stop!
- P
---
Shove off Snape. You're scaring the kid
- J
---
Hey, let's just focus on the Advice Thingy okay?
- M
---
-grumble noises-
- Snape
---
Hey, how did you get the quill to record sounds as well as speech, Sirius?
- J
---
Just a simple charm really. Same kind of thing I used for Sir Quacksalot and that time I was a cat.
- S
---
Ha, Cat. That was a good one. Ah, the memories…
- J
---
Black was a cat? Seriously? I wish I could've seen that.
- Snape
---
Grrr, watch your mouth, Snivellus! I'll show you cat!
- S
---
Here kitty kitty, want some fish?
- Snape
---
Gah, die now!!!
- S
---
Don't bother Sirius, McGonagall took our wands, remember?
- J
---
But not my hands!
- S
---
Get away from me Black!
- Snape
---
Sirius stop! Just leave it okay? Let's just get on with the question.
- M
---
But, Moony, how am I supposed to concentrate on the questions with this git here?
- S
---
Ugh, don't think I need you to intervene, Lupin. Even without my wand, Black is nothing more than a brainless Gryffindor gorilla.
-Snape
---
See what I mean Moony? This insolence needs to be dealt with!
-S
---
Don't worry mate, I know what you mean. Besides, I don't like the way he looks at my Lily flower. I'm just lucky she's still in Manchester. Now she won't see me beat the crap out of him.
- J
---
Thank you James, at least someone here is my friend.
- S
---
There's really no need to resort to violence, I'm sure civil discussion –
-M
---
Civil! You animals don't know the meaning of the word.
- Snape
---
Animals? Ha, I'll show you animal…
- S
---
What do you mean you'll show me? Actually, I don't really want to know what you're talking about. It sounds more than a little disturbing.
- Snape
---
No, Sirius, don't. Not in front of the people.
- J
---
What people? I don't see any people. Only a filthy, insolent excuse for a wizard.
- S
---
Hey!
- P
---
I meant Snape.
- S
---
Oh.
- P
---
If you do it here, he'll tell everyone, and the whole school will know. You don't want that, do you?
- J
---
-sigh- No, fine, you're right. But we can still beat him up, can't we?
- S
---
No! We're supposed to be cleaning desks remember!
- M
---
Pft, no one cares about the desks, Moony.
- S
---
I do.
- P
---
What?
- J
---
I like cleaning.
- P
---
They are rather nice desks.
- M
---
Exactly!
- P
---
Ooookay... Let's get back to bashing up Snape.
- S
---
You two are just too much. Why did we ever let them in the group, Padfoot?
- J
---
I ask myself that very same question every day, mate.
- S
---
Look, just because we're trying to inject some semblance of reason into this whole affair—
- M
---
Reason? I don't call that reason. I call that... uh... Unreason.
- S
---
Since when do reasonable people willingly clean desks? And Unreason isn't a word, Sirius, but it should be…
- J
---
No, it shouldn't. And you really shouldn't encourage him James, or he'll want all his garbled English to become real words. And then the world would fall apart.
- M
---
"Unreason"? He is stupid.
- Snape
---
What? People invent words every day. Shakespeare invented half of the words he used and now they're all real. Why should Sirius' words be any different?
- J
---
You can hardly compare Sirius to Shakespeare, James.
- M
---
That's not fair! Our names both start with an 'S'.
- S
---
Actually, Shakespeare was his surname.
- J
---
Seriously?
-S
---
Siriusly.
-M
---
His first name was William.
- J
---
Wow, The things you learn. Bill Shakespeare huh?
-S
---
Not Bill, William. Honestly Sirius.
-M
---
Bill is what they call people named William. See, I know things too.
- S
---
I know that Sirius. I just can't bear to see you abuse Shakespeare's name.
- M
---
And wasn't it technically "Sir William"? You should remind him of that too
- J
---
Don't know why you're arguing over a stinking muggle.
- Snape
---
It's not Bill's fault, I mean, no one had baths back then...
- P
---
Hey! Just because he's a muggle doesn't make him any worse than anyone else! He's probably a better playwright than most wizard writers. I mean, there are some pretty shocking plays written by wizards.
- M
---
Tell me about it. "Once upon a speckled pixie" is just horrible. And don't get me started on "She came to me upon dragon". Truly terrible. Attractive young girls don't go around flying dragons. And they certainly don't hook up with old geezers in caves. I've given up on magical playwrights.
- J
---
Some of those plays are a little odd and, uh, how would you describe it...?
-M
---
Paedophilic?
-S
---
Terrible? Atrocious? Not worth the parchment they're printed on? Classy, Sirius
- J
---
That's why I'm here.
- S
---
Stop grinning moronically.
- J
---
He can't help it; he naturally looks like a moron.
- Snape
---
Oh, you're still here.
- S
---
Can't mind his own business, can he?
- J
---
Yeah, always poking his huge nose into everything.
- S
---
Scrub, scrub. Washing desks is fun!
- P
---
For your information my nose is not that big. Not compared to some people, anyway
- Snape
---
Oh, getting self-conscious are we?
- J
---
He should be, with a bloody great nose like that.
-S
---
That's it. I've had it with you and your comments. Stop it now, or you'll regret it.
- Snape
---
Ha! What are you going to do about it? Drip your hair-grease on us?
-S
---
Eeww, not on my clean desks!
- P
---
That's it, you're going to regret you were ever born you waste of space!
-Snape
---
Run, Padfoot, run! He's going to get you greasy…ewww, that's quite a disgusting image.
- J
---
Hey! Stop! Let's not go into this okay? Just leave it Sirius; let's just get back to… cleaning desks or something.
- M
---
But, Moony, how can we clean the desks if he's dripping bloody grease all over them?
- S
---
He has a point, Moony.
- J
---
My hair isn't greasy; I washed it!
- Snape
---
With what? More grease?
- S
---
Just what is going on here? Where is your supervisor? What is Mr. Pettigrew doing to that desk?
- Professor McGonagall
---
Oh! Uh, hello Professor. Fancy meeting you here.
-S
---
Where is Professor Snoogenbottom? You shouldn't be left here alone.
- McGonagall
---
He had to look after his snake. I think it ate too many chocolates
- J
---
How did it get chocolate?
- McGonagall
---
Well, I'm not sure, but certainly not because someone sunk into his quarters and fed Fluffy that box of deluxe chocolates Moony was going to get for Christmas. Don't know why you'd think that.
- J
---
And it wasn't me if that's what you're thinking...
-S
---
Chocolate? Where? What chocolate? Where's the chocolate James? James? Chocolate?
- M
---
Honestly Mr Lupin, get a hold of yourself. And that still doesn't explain what Pettigrew is doing to that desk.
- McGonagall
---
I, er, I think he's cleaning it.
- M
---
With a toothbrush?
- McGonagall
---
He loves cleaning. Pete, stop it.
- J
---
That's MY tooth brush!
- S
---
Well, Professor Snoogenbottom left some muggle cleaning stuff for us...
- M
---
But, SOMEONE decided they would be better off as soup ingredients. Since muggles are so hopeless at cleaning. But we kept the soap. The house elves came in before it could be added.
- J
---
Yeah, but Snape didn't like the soup all that much...
- P
---
Not in the least, ungrateful bugger. Well, you know how Slytherins are, right Professor?
- S
---
Indeed I do. So, it seems that Mr Black fed Fluffy chocolate so that Professor Snoogenbottom would be absent, then he took the cleaning supplies left to you and fed them to Mr Snape, and now Peter is cleaning all the desks on his own with a used toothbrush. I think it's pretty clear what needs to happen.
- McGonagall
---
That's right, medals all round!
- S
---
Detention.
- McGonagall
---
We're already in detention.
- J
---
Clearly, Mr. Potter, I'm referring to tomorrow. And the entire week after that. In my office, hand-writing copies of all the Transfiguration notes to be given out to the class for next month.
– McGonagall
---
What? That's not fair!
- J
---
You think so? I think I'm being entirely too generous.
- McGonagall
---
Ha, morons.
- Snape
---
Of course, I'm referring to you as well Mr. Snape. I can't believe you would simply stand by and let this sort of behaviour occur.
-McGonagall
---
But, but –
- Snape
---
There's no 'but's about it. All five of you, starting tomorrow night, will be writing out forty copies each of the prepared notes on Animagus transformations. And that's hand-written. No Magic. You won't be dismissed until it's done.
- McGonagall
---
Great, another night stuck with the big-nosed git. I'll have to reschedule with Sara.
- S
---
Don't lie. You're just saying that to keep up your image. Sara went home sick last week with that really bad flu, remember? Idiot.
- J
---
Well, you didn't have to point it out.
- S
---
Oh! That reminds me! We didn't answer the question!
- M
---
What question?
- McGonagall
---
Oh, uh, nothing.
-M
---
And so, in answer to the question, we're in detention for the next week. I think that'll take care of Sirius until then. Unsuspecting girls, you are free.
- J
---
Huzzah! Wait, why can't we clean more desks tomorrow?
- P
---
Stupid Snape. I'll get you back for this if it's the last thing I do!
- S
---
There's no need to be quite so dramatic Sirius.
- M
---
There's EVERY need to be so dramatic.
- S
---
What did I ever do to get stuck with such a troublesome bunch of students? Merlin have mercy.
- McGonagall
Dear Troublesome Students,
I am leaving you for a short period of time to deal with another set of troublesome students. There are far too many of them in this school unfortunately, a fact that I blame you for entirely, I shall have you know. I expect to find you hard at work when I return, and I warn you, if you even think of doing anything against the school rules whilst I am gone, I shall be sorely tempted to grant Filch the pleasure of trying out some of his more inventive punishments on you.
Professor McGonagall.
---
Dear Zee All-Knowing Emperor of Zee Universe (Remus):
Have you ever fallen in love with a character out of a book? Because I have. Have you ever dimension warped into another universe (such as the setting of a book)? I have.
-Zee Supreme Empress of Zee Universe
---
Fallen in love with a fictional character? I've got news for you, love; he ain't real! Deal with it. But fear not, I don't judge. I've been known to stoop to the weird ones. And I'm all flesh and blood.
- S
---
Figures that you'd find a way to make this question into an invitation for one of your infamous "dates".
- J
---
Eewww, blood.
– P
---
Fallen in love with a character from a book? Er, I can't say I have. No, not really. Though I must say, the talking squirrel in the book "And So I Met Fuzzy" was rather charming. And, as for dimension warping into another universe, not really. I'm terribly boring in that sense I'm afraid.
- M
---
"And So I Met Fuzzy"? Isn't that a kids' book?
- S
---
Er, yes. It is. But the squirrel! You can't deny that the squirrel was something special.
–M
---
...Ooookay, so Moony's fallen for a cartoon squirrel. Wow, you just can't write this kinda crazy. It's true, reality is stranger than fiction.
– J
---
I fell in love with that girl with the plaits from that washing powder commercial. She's perfect...and lemony fresh!
– P
---
I believe the phrase is truth is stranger than fiction. Anyway, I didn't fall in love with the squirrel, I was just saying. It's cute and fuzzy is all, hence the name.
- M
---
If you didn't fall in love with it, why would you bring it up in a discussion about falling in love with fictional characters?
- J
---
Yeah, Moony, he's got you there!
- S
---
Well, because then my reply would be rather disappointing, "No, and No", I just thought it would be more polite to at least attempt to say something.
-M
---
Besides, it was a nice squirrel.
–M
---
Yeah, well...it's still weird.
- J
---
Hang on, James; you haven't said who you fell in love with yet.
- S
---
Oh, that, well, er...
- J
---
Oh, I bet it's worse than Moony's.
- P
---
Yes James, enlighten us.
-M
---
What? You don't want to hear that. It's boring. What about Sirius? He hasn't contributed either.
- J
---
People wouldn't know the books I read, so there's no point in sharing.
-S
---
What do you mean?
- P
---
Read? I didn't know you could read?
- M
---
Well, I admit, the pictures are the best part...
-S
---
It's Crystal from the centre-fold of the November issue of Busty and Bewitched, isn't it?
- J
---
...maybe...
-S
---
So predictable.
- J
---
You call that a book? Merlin, Sirius.
-M
---
But I have to hand it to you, she does have nice...qualities.
- J
---
Oh yes, I'm all about admiring the best qualities in book characters, especially where pictures are involved.
-S
---
Please, the First Years Sirius, remember the First Years.
- M
---
She's gorgeous. If only I could find a girl like her, I'd marry her in an instant and give up my...libertine ways. Let me tell you Moony, you won't find qualities like that on first years, no sir.
- S
---
Oh God.
-M
---
Ok, this has officially reached a new level of disturbing.
- J
---
A level I hoped never to reach in my lifetime.
- M
---
James still hasn't said who he's fallen in love with.
- P
---
That's easy. Lily...from that book, you know the one...-cough-
- J
---
Stop wasting time and just tell us.
- P
---
What? Your stalker book full of photos of her and locks of her fiery red hair? That book?
-S
---
Not to mention the poetry. And unsent love letters...
-M
---
Um...yes, see, that's a book.
- J
---
It's more of a folder really, or scrap-book.
- P
---
Shut up, Pete.
- J
---
More of a collection of incriminating evidence to support the common perception that you're a creepy stalker.
- M
---
What? Do creepy stalkers have glasses? I don't think so.
- J
---
Binoculars more like...
-S
---
Actually, pretty much everyone in glasses looks creepy.
- P
---
Except for some of those Ravenclaw girls, they sure look good in glasses. And a few undone buttons. And perhaps a skirt of the shorter variety...
-S
---
You guys are so...mean...
- J
---
Ha! Good insult.
- S
---
Shut up
- J
---
He's on a roll.
- P
---
Anyway James, you're avoiding the question. Stop being evasive and just admit it, as far as squirrels go, Fuzzy has to be at least in the top three.
- M
---
For your information, I've never read that book. So "Fuzzy" isn't in any list. Except for the list of "Creepy Characters my friends are secretly in love with".
- J
---
There's actually a list?
- P
---
It's disturbingly much longer than I would prefer.
- J
---
...Fuzzy's not creepy...
- M
---
Just tell us, mate, which character have you fallen for? It's not that hard a question. Everyone's answered it but you.
- S
---
What about Snape?
- J
---
We turned him in to a lamp post the moment McGonagall was gone. He can't answer.
- S
---
How convenient for him. Stupid lamp post git.
- J
---
You never know, perhaps he can shed some light on the matter.
-M
---
Ha! I get it!
- P
---
Moony, that was a terrible joke. I don't think I can be associated with you anymore.
-S
---
Siriusly?
- M
---
Ugh.
- S
---
Ah, you chaps are funny. Now, let's get on to the next question
- J
---
He still hasn't answered!
- P
---
Indeed he hasn't. Go on James, tell us, or we shall have to force you, I'm sure Sirius can think of a few inventive ways...
- M
---
Siriusly, Pete, if you tell Moony on me one more time, I'm going to have to kill you in your sleep.
- J
---
Eep!
-P
---
Just tell us mate, and stop stalling. It can't be that bad.
- S
---
Ok, ok, fine. -sigh- when I was 13, I was reading "The Adventures of Princess Tessa"...
- J
---
You fell in love with the princess? How boring!
- S
---
No, I fell in love with...
- J
---
Yes...?
-M
---
Her best friend Julie
- J
---
...dude, Julie was a lesbian.
- S
---
I know…
- J
---
I think maybe James just has a thing for unrequited love.
- M
---
No wonder you didn't want to say anything...
- P
---
Or a thing for lesbians. Is there something Lily hasn't told you?
- S
---
Besides, it not really all that surprising. Julie is described in the book as having red hair, green eyes.... sound familiar?
- M
---
Lily is not gay
- J
---
How can you be so sure?
- S
---
Because I am, now stop making me second-guess myself
- J
---
Maybe she's only going out with you because she thinks you're a girl, I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.
- S
---
WHAT? HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT ASSUMPTION? I'M MORE MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!!!!
- J
---
-sigh- I guess it's my turn to restrain him.
- P
---
Oh yeah? When's the last time you visited the broom cupboard? A month ago? I was there this morning. Beat that.
- S
---
Lily's been away for a month, it's not my fault I'm not a whore like you.
- J
---
Well, technically, it is your fault. Lily's gone. It's not like she'll ever find out.
- S
---
She has eyes and ears everywhere. And if I did...do that, when she comes back she'll beat me black and blue. And unlike some people, I don't exactly like pain.
- J
---
Wimp.
- S
---
Would you like to face the wrath of Lily?
– J
---
Merlin no. That girl's as strong as Kingsley.
- S
---
I rest my case.
- J
---
I'm shocked James, I thought you had more of a sense of honour. So you're saying the only reason you're not frequenting the broom cupboard like one Sirius Black, is because you think you'd get caught?
- M
---
Well, no, that's only part of the reason. Also, I could never cheat on my one-true love. Never. But I mean, come on, I'm only human. You can't blame me for simply considering it for a moment. It's not like I'd ever actually do it.
- J
---
That's right, justify it. That's exactly how I think...but then I ignore the whole "not doing it" part.
- S
---
Shame, James, shame on you. Honestly, what would your grandparents think?
-M
---
Would you cheat on Lily if it were with Julie?
- P
---
No...well, actually...
- J
---
Who, might I just add, doesn't actually exist.
- M
---
They are working on spells that can bring book characters to life in Mongolia, aren't they?
- J
---
Finally, magic is being used for something useful.
- S
---
It's not really working, they've managed to make a physical being and keep it in character for a while, but it only lasts for a few minutes and then the body becomes just a, well, for lack of a better word, zombie.
-M
---
Hey, the body's all I need.
- S
---
Eww.
- P
---
That's fairly disgusting.
-M
---
Sirius, please, think before you speak. Save us, and the rest of the school, from the innermost workings of your twisted mind. I don't think we can handle it.
- J
---
Wimps. I have to deal with it 24/7. And you guys only get tiny samples now and then and already you're flinching. Pitiful.
- S
---
It's a vicious cycle I suppose, the more you have to deal with yourself, the more traumatised and messed up you become. I almost feel sorry for you.
-M
---
That's right, the sympathy vote. One of my favourite cards to play with the ladies.
- S
---
Somehow, I think he deserves it.
- J
---
Sirius, it's not a good thing that people feel sorry for you because you have to constantly put up with yourself.
- M
---
Doesn't stop them from joining me in the broom closet...only the girls though. I ignore the others.
- S
---
Ok, lets change the subject before he turns us all as twisted as he is.
- J
---
Save me!
- P
---
Yes, so, change subject. Uh... wow! Look at that quill! How... quill-y.
-M
---
Smooth, Remus, smooth.
-S
---
Yes, indeed. I think it's a feather from an owl. Shut up Sirius. We're trying to block you out.
- J
---
Is it working?
- S
---
We won't know if you keep talking to us.
- J
---
It could be an owl. I prefer falcon feathers myself.
-M
---
Look at me! Look at me! La La La La La!
-S
---
Falcons scare me. They have talons!
- P
---
Yes, well, it's just a feather.
-M
---
I think my quill is from some sort of eagle...possibly a Laegal...you know, that bird that causes it to rain wherever it goes?
- J
---
So that's why your quill is always wet after history, not because you drool on it when you sleep
- S
---
Still ignoring you.
- J
---
Ah yes, those are quite good too.
- M
---
I like sugar quills!
- P
---
Are you still ignoring me? You people are boring. This should be the Sirius Advice Thingy, as I'm the only one who ever says anything good.
-S
---
If we're thinking along those lines, it should be called the "Who-want's-to-date-Sirius Thingy" since that's all he seems to see it as. And as the creator of this Advice Thingy, I'm rather insulted that he's turning it into that.
- J
---
Co-creator you mean. I do agree with you though.
- M
---
Hey, I bring class to this Thingy. You're people would be nothing without me! Nothing I tell you!
- S
---
Class? More like...unmentionable themes that shouldn't be discussed anywhere near First Years, Or Second Years for that matter. You've perverted this fine Thingy
- J
---
Well at least I've never fallen in love with a lesbian.
- S
---
Actually, that girl you met during the summer break, a few years ago, Wendy...
- J
---
What? No, you don't mean...
- S
---
Yep. I saw her hooking up with another girl behind the bar.
- J
---
Maybe she was just...
- S
---
You don't want to know where her hands were.
- J
---
Actually....
-S
---
Great, we've reached an even further level of disturbing. And I thought I'd never live to see the day.
- J
---
Honestly Sirius, you shouldn't go around objectifying women. If Lily hears of this I'm sure she'd put you out of action for quite a while.
- M
---
Good thing she's in Manchester then, eh?
- S
---
If Miss Evans hears of what?
- Professor McGonagall
---
Saved by McGonagall, who'd have thought it?
- J
---
Oh! Professor, back so soon?
- S
---
Hmm, you know, the students I was sent to deal with told me the strangest thing.
- Professor McGonagall
---
Oh, really...
- S
---
Yes, they were under the impression that a group of Gryffindor boys had told them to fill the Great Hall with green slime, do you know who the Gryffindor boys mentioned were, Mr Black?
- Professor McGonagall
---
No, not at all Professor.
-S
---
Oh crap. This isn't going to be good.
- J
---
Why, yourself, Mr, Potter, Mr Pettigrew and Mr Lupin. Fancy that.
- Professor McGonagall
---
That's the last time I let Sirius think of the pranks.
- J
---
Those two-faced little sons of—
- S
---
Please, Mr Black. I think-- where is Mr Snape?
- Professor McGonagall
---
Um...gee it's awfully dark in here.
- J
---
Why is there a lamp post in my office when muggle electrical items clearly don't function on school grounds?
- McGonagall
---
Crap, I should've thought of that
- S
---
Yes, you should have. Further evidence why you shouldn't be in charge of anything thinking. You're incapable.
- J
---
I would just like to say, I was against it from the start.
- M
---
Of course, Mr Lupin, I wouldn't expect any less of you.
- Professor McGonagall
---
Hey! How come you believe him!
-S
---
Prefect badge.
- J
---
Because, unlike others, Mr. Lupin has at least some sense of responsibility. I admit though, that he has poor choice in company.
- Professor McGonagall
---
Thankyou Professor, I knew you would understand.
- M
---
What about me? Do you think I condoned this?...wait, don't answer that...
- J
---
You're quite welcome Mr Lupin. Mr Potter, I know very well to what extent you "condoned" this. Now, if you please, return Mr. Snape to his original form. You know we take the misuse of Transfiguration very seriously at this school.
- McGonagall
---
Yeah James, geez.
-S
---
Fine.
- J
---
I know James, you should be ashamed.
- M
---
Traitors.
- J
---
P-p-professor! Did you see! I - ma- grrr!
- Snape
---
I liked him better as a lamp post.
-P
---
Calm down Mr Snape. I'm well aware of what they did to you while I was gone. And look at these notes. Full of spelling mistakes and smudges. I would have been better off asking trolls to write them.
- McGonagall
---
Why didn't you?
- S
---
It looks like ordinary punishment isn't enough. You will all have to report to Professor Kettleburn tomorrow night and for the next two weeks to receive your new punishment. And it looks like I'll have to duplicate these notes with magic, the old fashioned way.
- McGonagall
---
Serves you all right –
- Snape
---
You too Mr Snape.
- McGonagall
---
What? That's not fair? I was a bloomin' lamp post!
- Snape
---
James, Sirius, Peter, next time you should be more responsible, then you wouldn't end up in these situations.
- M
---
And you Mr. Lupin.
- McGonagall
---
Ha, bad luck goody two shoes.
- S
---
But, Professor!
- M
---
No buts. I expect all five of you to report to your detention. If you do not behave I shall be forced to take drastic measures.
- McGonagall
---
At this rate, we'll never get out of detention
- J
---
Gosh James, it's all your fault.
- S
---
Don't start with me, Black!
- J
---
I like cheese!
- P
Dear Delinquents,
Your continued misbehaviour has caused the five of you to reach a new level of punishment, what I like to call the third level. Never before in my years have I met students so determined to break the rules, even in detention. As a result, I have no option but to leave you all in the stern care of Professor Kettleburn, whom you shall all assist in his nightly duties for the next two weeks. I expect the best behaviour from you all, that means you, Mr Black, and if I hear of otherwise, I'm afraid that the most drastic steps imaginable must be taken. I will not tolerate trouble-makers such as yourselves under my watch. So straighten up and fly right, or you shall seriously regret testing me.
Professor McGonagall
---
Hey there!
I have a bit of a problem...
Okay, so I have a HUGE problem!
Every where I go, I'm stalked by an annoying black dog, Sirius keeps asking me out, I think there's a werewolf in the forest and I have my own little um..."furry little problem" that I'm scared to admit! That and for some reason, my bed covers keep disappearing!
I think I'm going insane!
Do you have any advice? Anything at all?
- The Walking Taking Breakdown
P.S. NO SIRIUS! I will NOT go make out in a closet, so stop ASKING!
---
Well, that's certainly a lot of problems you have there. As for your furry little problem, I would just like to assure you that having a badly behaved rabbit is nothing to be ashamed of. Not in the least. Not much can be done about Sirius I'm afraid; he's annoyingly stubborn, unless anyone else has any suggestions?
- M
---
How about you just agree to go out with me? I'm sure that'd work like a charm.
- S
---
Are you sure you could fit her in, with the other twelve girls you're supposed to meet this week?
- J
---
There's always room for one more.
- S
---
Thirteen? A baker's dozen?...somehow you just don't surprise me anymore
- J
---
Come on, Jamsie, you're just jealous. I get to "date" dozens of girls each week, while you're stuck with the same old one every time, and she hasn't even been here for a month. You much be suffering withdrawal symptoms. Admit it; you'd give anything to be in my dashing shoes
- S
---
Well...since Lily isn't here and can't possibly find out...I'll admit it, I'm jealous. Yes, I wish I could be a selfish man-whore like you. Of course I would. What man can honestly say they wouldn't? But that doesn't mean you need to flaunt it in front of me all the time. And you can't repeat this to Lily EVER.
- J
---
What? I thought you liked having only Lily. You keep saying how disgusting it is the way Sirius treats the girls.
- P
---
Give me a break Pete, it's been a month since she left. I'm only human!
- J
---
Yes, James. I shall repeat my sentiments of the utter shame that I feel towards you now. All lies James, all lies. You've passed over to the dark side. There's no return from where you've gone. Dealt with the devil you have. Oh my old friend James, whatever happened to him?
- M
---
For Merlin sake Moony, A MONTH! I've gone from "dating" lily every day to nothing, for a whole damn month. She's cut me off "cold turkey", as I believe the expression is. It's intolerable! Anyone else in my situation would've cheated by now, but no, I'm the good guy. I'm always the bloody good guy. When do I get to bend the rules a bit, huh? You can't possibly understand what I'm going through. From where I'm standing, Sirius is living like a king, a wonderfully sexed-up king. Lucky bugger.
- J
---
Finally someone acknowledges my genius. I knew you would see the light, Jamsie ol' pal.
- S
---
Oh James, poor poor James. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? The one that went "never listen to Sirius"? I'd never have thought I'd see the day where one of my most trusted companions would break that sacred law.
- M
---
Well, things have changed. Suffering tends to do that to people. Not that you'd know anything about that.
- J
---
I shake my head at you. Oh, and by the way, what is that screaming sound?
- M
---
Oh, you were late so you wouldn't know, it's just Snape. I think he's having a bit too much fun with the snufflers.
- S
---
Sirius locked him in the cage with them.
- P
---
Those things are great. I sure hope Snape doesn't have any gallons on him. They'll eat right through anything to get to gold.
- J
---
Oh, I see, and what did Kettleburn have to say about this? Actually, don't answer that, I'd rather not know what enclosure you locked him in.
- M
---
Who us? Moony! How could you accuse us of such a thing?
- S
---
You've got it all wrong, Moony. Kettleburn is out in the Forbidden Forest, Phoenix Watching.
- J
---
Phoenix watching? I wonder who convinced him that that was a good idea...
-M
---
All my idea.
- J
---
Are there actually any phoenix's out there?
- P
---
I dunno. Could be. It's one big forest.
- J
---
That was quite a brilliant plan. Couldn't have thought of a better one myself.
- S
---
I know. That's because I'm the one who thinks up all the good ideas. I'm the ideas man. You're just the muscle.
- J
---
Right. OK. If anyone asks, I didn't know anything about all this.
- M
---
Well, that's what we intended, I mean, we wouldn't get away with nearly as much if McGonagall revoked your status as Prefect. And what are you taking about James? I thought we'd agreed that I'm an absolute genius?
- S
---
Um...yeah, right...sure, whatever you say...I mean, you are smart...in some ways, it's just...you're not very good, strategy wise...unless it involves getting into someone's pants. In that situation you're unmatched.
- J
---
What are you talking about? My strategies are brilliant! And always end with me in a broom closet, as all good strategies should.
-S
---
I think you might find some people disagree with that Sirius.
- M
---
Yeah, I prefer strategies that end up in the kitchen...
-P
---
The broom closet is only good when you're there for a "date". Otherwise it's tacky, stuffy and a damn awful place to hide. I mean, all good hiding places need an escape route. The closet has only one entrance. It's strategically a nightmare. Which is why you're hopeless at planning.
- J
---
...but still...
-S
---
Well, this is all jolly well, but I think we should be addressing the question. It seems to me that this poor person is facing much adversity. So, let's try giving some actual advice? Just to shake things up a bit, you know?
- M
---
Perhaps you're right, since we haven't actually answered anyone's question for this issue yet.
- J
---
Fine. 1. Give the dog a steak. 2. Just say yes. 3. That's almost as ridiculous as their being a flock of fornicating Phoenixes in the forest. 4. Join a support group or something. 5. Just steal James', that's what I always do. 6. You probably are.
-S
---
That's not really that helpful Sirius.
- M
---
Sure it is, I'm always helpful.
- S
---
Ok, ignore Sirius. Here's MY superior advice: 1. Always keep a jar of fleas wherever you go. And when you come across the dog, just take out the jar and threaten to infect him. I assure you the dog will be gone faster than you can say "what a peculiar looking mutt". 2. The flee thing should work in this situation too. 3. I agree with Sirius here. There's more likely to be were-rabbits and were-cats. Werewolves tend to prefer more open forests. Ours is too dense. 4. Find some people you really trust and let them know. Or go tell Moony. He's an expert in "furry problems". 5. Don't steal mine. I've cursed them to be really itchy whenever they leave my bed. There's a secret supply closet on the fifth floor. Take a bundle from there and always keep extra covers in your trunk just in case. 6. Well, you could be insane. But it's probably best if you see a Healer and have them diagnose you before you panic.
- J
---
I agree with James. He seems know a lot about stuff.
- P
---
I too agree with James, Or, I would, if I could get over the fact that we've actually managed to give some helpful advice for once…
- M
---
Well, I agree with Sirius, he's better looking than James.
- S
---
Sirius, we all know that's you. You signed with your own name. Idiot
- J
---
Doesn't change the fact that's it's true.
- S
---
It is not. When have you ever given a piece of actual helpful advice? Huh? Mine is ALWAYS helpful. But I guess that's because I'm the only one who takes the advice thingy seriously.
- J
---
But I AM better looking.
- S
---
That's irrelevant. And debatable.
- J
---
And true.
-S
---
Sirius, not every discussion has to be about how good looking you fancy yourself to be.
-M
---
Exactly! And it's not true, Sirius. You're just so self-absorbed, you haven't noticed anyone else.
- J
---
You say that, yet I'm the one with all the girls.
- S
---
The only reason they all go to you and not me is because I'm not available. Ask Lily. That's what she and all her friends said. You're just lucky I'm staying faithful to my GIRLFRIEND (because I actually have one), otherwise, you'd have some competition there, Sirius.
- J
---
You just keep telling yourself that James, if that's what helps you sleep at night
– S
---
You don't believe me? Well, how about we sort this out like men…
- J
---
You're not going to fight to the death again, are you?
- P
---
With another poll!
- J
---
A poll? You're on, Jamsie. We'll see that I'll be triumphant again.
- S
---
Really. You two are ridiculous. Utterly insufferable. I know how McGonagall must feel, and I have to say, I have the deepest sympathy for her. I may even send her a condolence card.
- M
---
Send her some of your chocolate too. That's what I always do when I want to say sorry, send them your chocolate.
- P
---
Thanks for the suggestion Pete, but all the same, I think I'll keep the chocolate.
- M
---
Yeah, a Poll.
- J
---
You're Poll-on.
- S
---
You're going to Poll-ing loose.
- J
---
Oh yeah, well we'll see whose more Poll-tasticlar.
- S
---
I'll show you, Poll-er.
- J
---
Poll you, you Poll-ing Poll.
- S
---
I hope you Poll-ing Poll and Poll in a Poll-ing ditch.
- J
---
Oh yeah? Go Poll yourself in the Poll you Poll of a Poll-ing Poll-er.
- S
---
My head hurts. Moony, help me!
- P
---
Please, this is getting ridiculous, not that it wasn't before.
- M
---
Oh, Poll off Moony.
-S
---
Well, I heard you Poll-ing Poll-ed the other day like a Poll, and now you're just one big, Poll-ing Poll. You Poll.
- J
---
Honestly, you two.
- M
---
Stop Poll-ing in, Moony. This is between me and the Poll.
- J
---
This is getting way out of hand. Maybe we should lock you two in the snuffler cage as well.
- M
---
Like there'd be any room in there with Snape and his Poll-ing big nose.
- S
---
At least isn't not as Poll-ing as you and your polygamous ways.
- J
---
It's not polygamy. I'm not in a "relationship" with any of there girls. It's all a fling, a bit of fun. Weren't you saying before how you'd love to be in my shoes?
- S
---
...well, yes...but…
- J
---
Then why the arguing? I'm sure I could convince one of the girls to go with you instead. I could help you out here.
- S
---
Ah, yes. James' shameful turn to the dark side.
- M
---
Considering it and actually cheating on Lily are two entirely different things Sirius. I could never actually do it. I might like too, but it's impossible. I have too many morals to treat girls like pieces of meat…and Lily would kill me.
- J
---
Ha, you just don't want to admit that you'd never be able to pull off my bachelor man-whore lifestyle, because you're not half as sexy as I am.
- S
---
Oh yeah, well, I think the poll will decide that, don't you?
- J
---
Please don't let them start with the poll again.
- P
---
Yes. Silence fiends.
– M
---
But –
- J
---
Ah! No. Quiet. You two shouldn't be allowed to speak. You've caused enough havoc for one lifetime.
- M
---
But Moony –
- S
---
You too! Shoosh. We shall all just listen to the relaxing sounds of the night.
- M
---
-distant screaming-
---
Oh yes, I'd forgotten about Snape. Has he been screaming all this time? It's a wonder he hasn't lost his voice...
- M
---
Do you think the noise will attract anyone?
- J
---
Let's bloomin' hope not - Professor, how lovely to see you!
- S
---
Mr Black, please tell me that this is a hallucination of some sort, and I am not seeing what I think I'm seeing.
- Professor McGonagall
---
Well, okay then, this is all a halluca—
- S
---
I didn't mean that literally.
- McGonagall
---
Ah, I see.
- S
---
Well, maybe you should be more clear Professor.
- J
---
Fine, I shall be clear. I have just now discovered Mr. Snape in the Snuffler enclosure and who knows where Professor Kettleburn is. This is the third time I have discovered you shamelessly breaking important school rules during a detention. Do you understand the seriousness of the situation?
- McGonagall
---
Professor, please, let me explain.
- M
---
Yay! Moony's going to save us!
- P
---
I had nothing to do with this; I've been diligently cleaning the enclosures as required of me. I had no idea of the predicament poor Professor Kettleburn and my fellow classmate were in. I assure you, if I had known I would have come to inform you immediately.
- M
---
Or not...
-P
---
Traitor...
-S
---
Prat...
- J
---
Minerva, what's going on here? What's all the commotion?
- Professor Kettleburn
---
Professor Kettleburn, it's good to see that you haven't come to any harm. Do you have any idea what has occurred tonight? I would expect a respected staff member as yourself to keep a closer watch on such notorious trouble-makers as these.
- McGonagall
---
I'm sorry Minerva, but James was kind enough to inform me of the feeding flock of Phoenix in the Forbidden Forest that only come out during the half moon. I know I was supposed to be supervising, but I couldn't resist. And he was right. Such a marvellous sight. It's a shame they all couldn't see it.
- Professor Kettleburn
---
There were actually Phoenix...I mean, of course there were. I'm just disappointed I missed it. -cough-
- J
---
That was lucky.
- P
---
Hmm... I suppose I can't really punish them for that... but what of Mr. Snape? How did he come to be in the snuffler enclosure?
- McGonagall
---
Oh that, he loves those snufflers, y'know? Must've just accidentally locked the gate behind him is all.
-S
---
It's true. Such a clumsy one, that Snape.
- J
---
Yeah, can't really blame him though, probably can't see a thing past that giant nose of his.
- S
---
Then why didn't you let him out when you heard the screaming?
- McGonagall
---
What screaming? He was screaming?
- J
---
Haven't heard a thing all night, except for the sounds of our obedient cleaning.
- S
---
Yes... cleaning...
- P
---
Ah, it seems to me this was all just a misunderstanding, Professor.
- M
---
Yes, quite. Really, Minerva, It's quite all right. I have everything under control
- Professor Kettleburn
---
Hmm, I suppose I can't really blame you for anything more than selective hearing. But I don't quite trust your story. So there'll have to be consequences.
- McGonagall
---
Are you bloomin' serious?
- S
---
I swear you must like punishing us
- J
---
And not in the fun way.
- S
---
Sirius, shut up!
- J
---
Sirius, that .. Just no. A whole new level of disturbing.
-M
---
That's got to be the third new one this week. He's on a roll. Someone stun him before he does it again.
- J
---
Mr Black...I'm...I'm speechless. Just for that you five shall all be upgraded to a months' detention, this time with Filch. Perhaps he can finally fear some discipline and self-control into you all.
- McGonagall
---
-distantly- You've got to be F…ing kidding me!
- Snape
---
That's entirely unfair. You can't!
- J
---
Oh, but Mr Potter, I think you'll find that I can, and I will. Report to Mr Filch's office tomorrow night right after dinner. I've had just about enough of your antics. It's time for drastic measures. I've warned you. And now you must face the consequences.
- McGonagall
---
Thanks a lot Sirius.
- J
---
Hehe, sorry guys. Who knew she couldn't take a joke...stop glaring at me like that...I said stop!
- S
---
I will kill you Sirius. Know that.
- M
---
Hehe, funny Moony, funny. That's... that's real... real... funny... ... help me!
-S
Mr Filch,
I am leaving these students in your charge for detention, that fact alone should be enough to let you know just how serious their transgressions are. I'm sure you are familiar with the students in question; I understand you have had incidents with them in the past. However, I must impress upon you the importance of keeping your punishment within reason. To be certain that there are no misunderstandings I shall now include a list of punishments that I do not consider to be within reason:
•Locking them in the dungeons for several days without food or water
•Beating them about the head with sharp (or blunt) implements
•The rack
•Chinese water torture
•Hanging them upside down from the Astronomy tower windows
•Using them as dart boards
•Any and all forms of capital punishment, including hanging, decapitation, drowning, burning and/or crucifixion
I thank you for your consideration of this letter and hope that you will justly and appropriately deal with these troublesome juvenile delinquents.
Best of luck,
Professor McGonagall
---
Hi-ya
Can you please ask a certain greasy haired git out for me please? Don't bite my hand off.
RAINBOWBEE
---
Oww, why does every part of my body have to ache? Filch took this way too far.
- J
---
Sooo hungry…
- P
---
I'm not. You should've eaten dinner.
- S
---
He told us not too
- P
---
Since when do you listen to Filch?
- S
---
He scares me.
- P
---
This is all your fault, you moronic twats.
- Snape
---
This is going a bit far, I wouldn't have thought Professor McGonagall would approve. I'm surprised she didn't tell Filch how to punish us, I mean, she could have at least written a letter telling him not to torture us. I suppose Sirius made her far more angry than I thought with that comment yesterday.
- M
---
She's just annoyed 'cos she wanted it.
- S
---
No. You, just stop talking. It was your talking that got us into this in the first place.
- M
---
And you really shouldn't be hitting on her. Firstly, she's at least twice your age, secondly, it's not appropriate, and thirdly, it's just damn creepy. She has to be older than your mother. You can't seriously think of McGonagall that way.
- J
---
Nah, it's just a joke. I don't know why, but I love making those wrinkled cheeks blush in embarrassment. It's hilarious!
- S
---
That's one sick joke.
- J
---
She looked really angry.
- P
---
Yeah, I'm not sure her cheeks were going red from embarrassment* so much as sheer fury.
- M
---
You shouldn't toy with people like that Sirius. It's not funny. Not at all. And, I mean, geez, it's McGonagall. She's your damn teacher! Snape's right, you are a moron.
– J
---
Ok, ok, calm down. Fine, I won't do it again. Merlin, the way you're all acting you'd think I'd killed someone for fun or something.
- S
---
Well, we're being treated as if you have, so at this point, I don't really see the difference.
- J
---
Who the hell chains people to dungeon walls? And leaves so much delicious, sweet food there for them right where we can't get it. It's evil I say!
- P
---
James has a point; I'm starting to think that Filch actually does plan on murder, or at least attempted murder. So, Sirius, you see, you haven't killed anyone yet, with an emphasis on the "yet".
- M
---
He wouldn't kill us, I mean I'm sure he'll let us out soon. Well, maybe not soon, but at least before we die of starvation.
- S
---
Sure. Because Filch is the very definition of compassion. Don't lie to yourself. He's probably watching us though some secret window and laughing giddily over his triumph. The sick bastard. I hope Mrs Norris bites him and gives him rabies.
- J
---
You're not the only one, I assure you.
- M
---
Just remember, if I die first, I'm going to come back and haunt all of you for this. I didn't do anything to get stuck here. It's all your fault. I couldn't hate you any more than I do right now.
- Snape
---
If you die first we'll eat you for survival... actually no, we might get food poisoning.
- S
---
Grrr…
- Snape
---
And, I don't like oily food.
- S
---
Ok, maybe we should pass the time by doing something constructive. Did you bring the Advice Thingy, Moony?
- J
---
Not that piece of trash. That "thingy" is the most pathetic thing I've ever read in my life. A child could write something better.
- Snape
---
Ah, but you have read it. Now, where is it Moony?
- J
---
It's right here, I do remember that tediously long speech you gave me James, since then I've kept the Thingy on my person at all times. As I recall you spoke quite lengthily on the evils of leaving the Thingy unguarded, especially with the likes of Sirius around.
- M
---
Exactly. I'm glad you've learned. I'm so proud of you, Moony. Good work.
- J
---
That was a really loooong speech. And there were too many big words. I got confused after five minutes and fell asleep.
- P
---
Hey! What about me? When did this happen?
- S
---
Well, you were on a "date" and Peter and I were speculating as to what would happen if you were to get a hold of the Advice Thingy and then subsequently destroy the innocence of all the First Years in the school, when James suddenly ran over to us, having overheard our conversation, and gave us an unnecessarily long talk on how that was never ever ever ever allowed to happen and we were to guard the Advice Thingy with our very lives from then on. Then Peter nearly lost it, so the duty fell to myself.
- M
---
Who me? I don't know what could have made you think that I would go around destroying anyone's innocence, let alone the poor little First Years'. I'm shocked at your cruel accusations; I thought you people were my friends.
- S
---
Let it go Sirius. Considering that Moony was wise enough to listen to my instruction, and we have the Advice Thingy with us, how about we just address the question, ok?
- J
---
Oh yeah, that.
- S
---
Ok, so let's see, what is this question...oh Merlin, this is...this is...blasphemy!
- J
---
What? What's the question...gah! The world is ending!
- P
---
Not really. Statistically speaking, it's not surprising that there's at least one person who fancies Snape.
- M
---
It's not surprising, it's UNSPEAKABLE!
- S
---
What? What did you people say? Speak up. I can't hear you properly from all the way over here.
- Snape
---
Well, Snape, looks like you're in luck. Someone actually fancies you. As impossible as it may seem.
- J
---
Not to mention disgusting.
- P
---
That's right, as wholly, absolutely, utterly, completely and totally impossible as it is; there is in fact one person on this planet who is crazy enough to want to ask you out.
- S
---
...
- Snape
---
I believe he is speechless. So are we.
- J
---
I hope he dies of the shock.
- S
---
This....is this serious? This isn't some kind of sick joke you prats concocted to embarrass me, is it?
- Snape
---
I wish. It would've been a spectacular prank.
- S
---
If it is, then we aren't responsible for orchestrating it. We are merely acting out of dedication to our questioners. So, what is your answer? Do you agree to go out with Rainbowbee?
- M
---
...who is this person?
- Snape
---
Does it matter? Someone wants to date you. If I were you, I'd take it regardless of who it is. It could be the only date you're ever going to get.
- S
---
Wow, I think he's too shocked to even reply to insult. That greasy git....see, it works. He's like a zombie.
- P
---
Actually, the question doesn't explicitly mention Snape.
- M
---
How many greasy haired gits are there Remus? Who else could it be?
- S
---
Well, I know of several gits, yourself included of course, and there are a few people whose hair could probably do with a wash or two, for all we know, Rainbowbee could have meant any of them.
- M
---
But, it's pretty obvious that it's Snivellus. Unless Snape has a nicer, more attractive twin who also happens to suffer from bad hair.
- J
---
I'm just saying, no specific names are mentioned, so it could be anybody. Well, I admit, it does specify to some degree with the description of a…"greasy haired git", but, everything is relative. Rainbowbee's idea of a greasy haired git may well be different to yours, or mine for that matter. In the same way that Sirius' idea of a date is different to many others'.
- M
---
Well, to be fair, this person, assumably a female, is a reader, correct? And who are we talking about every time we say "greasy haired git"? Huh? By that reasoning, she MUST mean Snape. I mean, why use that phrasing if we're not going to know who she's talking about?
- J
---
He's got you there, Remus.
- P
---
Maybe, from her perception, it's obvious that it is this supposed other person. Just as it is obvious from yours that it's Snape. As I said before, everything is relative.
- M
---
Well, in the event that she is talking about Snape, (which we probably should assume seeing as at this point we have no way of finding any alternative) how about we ask dear old Snape here what he thinks, seeing as he's the only "greasy haired git" available right now.
- J
---
He hasn't said anything for a few minutes. I think he's broken.
- P
---
Great, we can trade him in for someone more pleasant.
- S
---
I'm not broken, you imbeciles.
- Snape
---
Then what?
- P
---
I'm just thinking. A concept that must be foreign to the lot of you.
- Snape
---
Snape? Thinking? Well, this day sure is full of surprises.
-S
---
Why does he say such hurtful, and completely untrue things, when we're trying to help him? Ungrateful git.
- J
---
Don't forget the "greasy haired" part.
- P
---
Before you attempt, and fail, to insult us any further, why don't you address the question at hand, rather than gawk like a shocked headless chicken and mumble unintelligibly. Anyone would think you've never been asked out before. Not such an unbelievable thing considering who I'm talking to.
- J
---
I bet he really hasn't been out on a date before. Bilmey, this is huge. Even Peter's had a girlfriend. Haha, this is the funniest thing I've heard all day.
- S
---
I've still got a girlfriend, thank-you-very-much, Sirius.
- P
---
Please, we're trying to help a questioner here. Fine, I accept you logic (however questionable it may be), assuming the "greasy haired git" in question is Snape, then can we please get on with actually doing what the questioner asked of us, and try perhaps inciting Snape to answer the request?
- M
---
That's what we're doing Moony.
- S
---
I meant in a more civil manner.
- M
---
Sorry, can't do that. Snivellus would go into shock all over again. It might kill him. What do you take us for Moony?
- S
---
Come on Snape. If you say something, I'll try and kick that plate of chicken over to you. I promise. Marauder's Honour (Civil enough Moony?)
- J
---
I suppose so, relatively of course.
- M
---
Honour? What honour?
- Snape
---
We have honour...like that time we...um...wait, I've got one. Like that time I promised Lily that the guys wouldn't sneak into her dorm anymore. I changed all the locks and secret passage-way passwords, and tied up Sirius and left him gagged under his bed for like, two days. See, honourable.
- J
---
Not really, I could hardly breathe.
- S
---
You say that like it's a bad thing...
- Snape
---
Honourable for Lily's sake. Not yours, Sirius. And besides, I probably saved at least five girls from having "relations outside marriage". Some people would call that honourable. See, you can trust me Snape. Just answer the question. I promise not to laugh or make fun of you anymore.
- J
---
You've been spending wayyy too much time with Lily. She's made you...nice...it's scary...
- P
---
Shut up, I've always been nice. It's just now I'm being nice to my enemies...or rather, the people who currently hate me and are being propositioned by a mysterious girl through the advice thingy. Point is: Me = Nice. End of story.
- J
---
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Pete's right. (Besides, it's not like any of them were married or anything...)
- S
---
Yay! I'm right!
- P
---
Stop ganging up on me and help me get Snape talking. (And you try telling that to those muggle religious fanatics that mugged us last summer for walking past that muggle strip club. I mean we were walking past! Not going in. At least, not after they mugged us we weren't.)
- J
---
Nice? I doubt you could even comprehend the word, let alone encapsulate it. -- Oh wait; am I using too many syllables for you?
- Snape
---
Don't try and patronise the only person here who doesn't completely hate you right now. That's a pretty stupid move. And you know full well how nice I can be, or have you forgotten what happened that night?
- J
---
What are you talking ab - oh, I remember that.
- P
---
You mean the time you and your friends tried to kill me? Oh yes, I'd nearly forgotten. That was very nice of you.
- Snape
---
No, I mean the time you almost got yourself killed though your own stupidity, and I saved you out of the kindness of my bloody heart. You ungrateful twat.
- J
---
Oh yes, because feeding me to your pet monster is such a kind thing to do.
- Snape
---
How dar-- you have some nerve, Snape.
- J
---
It's not like I meant to do anything... I mean... I wasn't myself... and...
-M
---
We didn't feed you. You followed us. And besides, it's Sirius' fault. He was the one who made you follow.
- P
---
I didn't mean for him to get any further than the willow, I mean, he bloody deserves a good whomping.
-S
---
Still your fault. Now he doesn't trust us and he's being entirely unco-operative and we're never going to get this question done. Not to mention it was a low, so very low thing to try and do. You know the danger. You shouldn't have even brought him outside the castle. I'm sure Moony would agree with me in saying that no one deserves that kind of risk. No one.
- J
---
Finally someone is thinking. Now you know why I resent you all. Other than the whole making-my-life-a-living-hell thing.
- Snape
---
He didn't mean risking you, now shut up you git, you're upsetting Moony.
-S
---
How tragic.
- Snape
---
Just answer the bloody question, Merlin, I don't know what anyone could see in you.
- S
---
Stop antagonising him Sirius. This isn't the time. And even Snape isn't worth risking like you did that night. He has every reason to hate you. I'm just annoyed that he can't see what I did for him. But that's not important right now. What's important is getting this damned question done. Don't ask why, it's just important. The Advice Thingy must triumph!
- J
---
I'm not going to say anything unless Black apologises.
- Snape
---
What?
- J
---
That's stupid.
- S
---
I don't really care if he means it. I just want the satisfaction of his embarrassment, forever immortalised in your..."Advice Thingy", for all the school to see.
- Snape
---
Fair enough. Do it Sirius.
- J
---
Hey, what do you mean "fair enough"? You can't just agree for me? ... Don't look at me like that... Fine. Look, guys, I'm sorry about that night and about the fact that you now have to put up with this bloody twit all the time. And Snivellus, I'm sorry you're such a bloody twit. Good enough for you?
- S
---
Sirius, this is serious. Do it properly or I will kick you. Don't think I can't. I'm well within range.
- J
---
Fine! Fine. Okay? Fine. I really am sorry you know, I didn't mean for it to all turn out like that. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't throw a party is Snape did get killed, just... not like that. So, yeah. Sorry… (Oh, and James, if you could reach all the way over to me, then why the hell didn't you try and kick the FOOD a little closer???)
- S
---
Is that good enough for you, Severus?
- J
---
I guess that's the best apology he's ever going to manage with that tiny brain of his. Fine.
- Snape
---
Why you –
- S
---
Shut up Sirius. You deserve it (and quite frankly I don't think you deserve any food right now).
- J
---
So, Snape, you'll answer the question now? I don't think the suspense would be having such a positive effect on poor Rainbowbee.
- M
---
I - I'm still wary of this whole situation, but if it is genuine.........I guess it couldn't hurt...but if I find out that this is one of your pranks, so help me –
- Snape
---
We get it. I promise you if it is a prank, it's not one of ours. It seems genuine. And I wish you the best of luck. And stop gawking Sirius. Someone needed to take the moral high-road here.
- J
---
What on earth is going on here?
- McGonagall
---
Professor! You came to save us!
- P
---
McGonagall, I think I can honestly say I've never been happier to see you, than I am at this moment.
- J
---
Where is Mr Filch? I explicitly told him... Filch! Filch! Get over here this instant!
- McGonagall
---
Problem Professor?
- Filch
---
I specifically told you not to chain them up in the dungeons. What do you think this is?
- McGonagall
---
You said not to chain them up with no food or water in the dungeons. As you can see, I've provided them with food and water.
- Filch
---
But, it's so far away…
- P
---
Beyond their reach! And I did not imagine you would stoop to such a level as to seek a loop-hole in my instructions. You cannot chain up students. That's a rule!
- McGonagall
---
Well, it's not technically in the staff code...
- Filch
---
It's implied, for Merlin sake! We haven't used this kind of punishment since the 1700's. It's outdated and cruel, even for these students.
- McGonagall
---
Thank you Professor. He wouldn't listen when we told him so!
- J
---
And these handcuffs are a bit too tight...
- M
---
I can't feel my fingers!
- P
---
They're supposed to become looser as you steadily become more malnourished.
- Filch
---
Oh, well, in that case...
- M
---
This is inexcusable. –Alohamora- Students, you are all free to go back to your dorms. I apologise for this heinous abuse of authority. You are also excused form any further detention, and have 50 points each for your houses. Now off you go and get some food. Poor dears. As for you, Mr. Filch...
- McGonagall
---
Finally, freedom!
- J
---
Finally! Food!
-S
---
My precious fingers!
- P
---
Finally, I can move my arms!
- M
---
About bloody time.
- Snape
---
Ah, so Snape, looking forward to your date?
- J
---
Don't think that this means we're friends now or anything, Potter. I still hate you all. I'm leaving now and I hope to never have to speak with any of you again.
- Snape
---
Finally, something we agree on.
- S
---
Well, he's not going to make any friends with his attitude, that's for sure
- P
---
Oh well, at least I tried. I guess he's just too stubborn.
- J
---
I'm sure Lily would be proud.
- P
---
Well, we managed to answer the question, after overcoming many obstacles (not the least of which was Snape himself), and we can proudly say that we are indeed dedicated to this here Advice Thingy. Until next time, au rivoir.
- M
---
Geez Moony, there's no need to be all French about it.
- S
A/N: Wow, that was a long chapter (seriously, like 80 pages), but I'd like to think it kind of makes up for the 6 month absence. Sorry about that, btw. This is the last time I will have to blame school for interrupting the Advice Thingy, as I am officially finished with school. Yep, I'm all graduated now. All I have to do is wait for my results…But sadly the same thing cannot be said for my co-writer. At least she's finished for the year, so we both have time now to dedicate to this wonderful fic. We're aiming for a fortnightly update, but don't hold your breath. We'll try our best.
A few important things to mention. I'd like to point out that the part in this chapter referring to lesbians is by no means an attempt to offend any of you reading this. Don't get me wrong. We don't hate homosexual people. Not at all. In fact, Shoey and I both have gay friends. And we certainly don't discriminate against anything; race, religion, gender, etc, and certainly not sexuality. I hate discrimination. It's the bane of our flawed world. Unless you're a misogynist, in which case I hate you…just kidding. But I am a feminist…anyway, moving on.
On a lighter note, there is now a Marauders' Advice Thingy forum. It can be found here: www . fanfiction . net/forum/The_Official_MAT_Forum/48560/ (without the spaces)
And in a related matter, the poll discussed by James and Sirius above is indeed legitimate. Who do you think is hotter? Well, to vote, go here: www . fanfiction . net/topic/48560/11028200/1/ (without the spaces) and vote in the official MAT Polls topic on our new forum. We would prefer if you voted there rather than in a review, as it's much easier, especially to quote numbers rather than count individual votes.
And finally, we are holding a competition. For more details, go here: www . fanfiction . net/topic/48560/11028830/1/ (without the spaces) to our official competitions page.
Ok, I've said a lot, so I think I'll leave you now and pass you on to Shoey. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and remember to keep sending in your reviews/questions/suggestions, because without them, this fic would be redundant :D
- Tiger_cub684
Well, it has been a while, hasn't it? Gosh, Tiger, you sure do write a lot. There isn't much left for me to say. We certainly don't mean to offend anyone with the contents of this fic, and if you are (offended that is), we offer our profuse apologies. We don't really have any idea as to where it's going, even when we're actually writing it, that's one of the side effects of doing next to no planning :D
I'd just like to state, for the record, that if we do manage the proposed fortnightly update, it will be all thanks to Tiger. I am notoriously lazy and not very good at starting things let alone finishing them.
Ah, yes, the MAT forum, it'd be lovely if you could come visit it if you feel like it, it's a lonely place at the moment. It's not all about MAT (we're not that egotistical, or at least, I'm not, can't say about that Tiger…) so please feel free to drop by and discuss, well, pretty much whatever you want really. You can find a link to the forum from either of our user pages (or at least, I think you can…)
Um, yes. I don't have much else to say, so adios amigos! Thankyou for all your reviews and questions, we really appreciate them and hope you continue to enjoy this fic as much as we do :)
- discombobulated shoe